# Story I'm developing: THE GARNET STAR



## Persephone (Jun 23, 2009)

I need input. Should continue? Is the story lame? Is the style too old? In fact, I'm looking for someone to co-write it with. No offers yet.

Synopsis:

Dailus was the crowned Prince of Apodis, a kingdom of winged men and women who have built their city high in the mountains of Unuk and El-Nath. Their kingdom was rich and content though it was bordered by the sea. Atrya was the youngest daughter of Emperor Nun-Chi of the city of Eridu, and her people dwelled in the waters of Pleione. The ocean was abundant with life and treasures, but the air above prevents them from conquering the world and claiming it for their own. Theirs was a forbidden love that could never be, for one worshipped the skies, while the other swam the seas. However, they found love and shared it in secret. But secrets always have their way of coming out, and with that revelation an ancient hatred between their people would bring them all to war and complete annihilation. There was only one way for their love to continue and survive, but it was perilous. Many have tried it and perished. Dailus and Atrya will test the boundaries of their love, and their world, and find escape with THE GARNET STAR. 

​~ooo~
*
The Garnet Star

*~ooo~_There was one law in Pleione everyone should obey: Eridu owns the night and Apodis owns the day.
_~ooo~*


One

*The sky had turned orange-indigo when Dailus and Kuma decided to go out of the castle to stretch their wings in flight. As they flew, the night air that had begun to chill slapped against their faces causing their skins to burn slightly with its icy touch. Dailus loved the cool breeze, though his cousin did not. He had dared him to go to the Northern gates of the Kingdom where the last rays of Vega would be seen before he retires for the day. Dailus loved seeing the setting of Vega from the Northern Gates not only because its full glory was visible from that point, but also because the distance from the Castle to the Northern gates allowed Dailus the pleasure of seeing the Magnificent City of Apodis.

From the towering battlements of iron and stone of the Southern and Northern Gates of the City, to the beautiful white, round rooftops of the houses below, to the deep-green leaves of many trees that bore fruits that served as food for the people, to the mountains of Unuk and El-Nath where the Castle of King Cepheus—his father—lay white and shining in the fading light, Apodis was a breathtaking beauty to behold. The only thing that was greatly misplaced was the border around it. 

A high wall that was built many ages ago kept the Apodisians from going anywhere outside their great City, for even though they had wings, the distance from the farthest landing point to the border was so great that before they could reach it, exhaustion would bring them to a watery grave. They were told that nothing lay beyond the border except empty waters filled with unspeakable horrors, but this kept only the weak of mind at bay. For someone like Prince Dailus, the borders were more of a challenge than a threat, and it excited him to plan crossing it every single day.

He knew he was not allowed beyond the Borders, but he wanted to see what was on the other side. After hearing countless stories of Apodisians who have tried to cross—most were found dead and some were never found at all—the young prince’s curiosity grew until it became an obsession. Since he turned sixteen, all he could think about was getting to the border and looking out beyond it. Everyone told him there was nothing beyond it but water and danger, but with more and more people caught trying to cross the Borders, Dailus suspected that all stories he was told about the horrific things on the other side were untrue. ​
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## Persephone (Jun 23, 2009)

Continuation:

“Why cross over if all it leads to is death?” he asked. “There is an abundance of everything they need here; what could they possibly want that is out there?”

“Maybe they are just suicidal,” Kuma said sardonically.

“I think there is something that lures them to the Borders,” Dailus said, ignoring his cousin’s remark; “a treasure or something—something that is worth one’s life.”

“There is no such treasure,” said Kuma. 

“How do you know? You’ve never been there, you’ve never seen what they’ve seen,” Dailus retorted. 

“And hopefully I will never get to see it! The Borders are there for our protection, Dailus. Beyond it is… a very dangerous place,” Kuma warned, but he knew the words fell on deaf ears. 

“Too many attempts to breach it tell me otherwise,” said Dailus, laughing as he swerved passed his cousin. Being the fastest flyer in the kingdom had its benefits—one being annoying cousins with your speed. “You, however, warn me as if you know so much about what lies beyond it.”

“I don’t.” 

“I know you know a great deal more than what you’ve led me to believe,” said the prince. Kuma tried to put some distance between himself and Dailus, but the prince kept swerving past him, outmaneuvering him until they were once again face-to-face. “Spill it! Tell me everything you know about it!”

“NO!” said Kuma and he decided to go down. He dove towards Unuk-Milui—the Northern post—where his father, the Baron, Saiden, held residence. Dailus followed him swiftly and caught him just before he reached the confines of the guardhouse. 

“Hey!” he cried. “Let me go!”

“I am the crowned Prince of Apodis, Kuma,” he said, locking his cousin’s heel in a tight grip. “And I order you to tell me everything you know!”

“And risk my head being chopped off for doing so—not a chance! You’re in this alone, Dailus!” said Kuma. 

“I am going to be King someday, Kuma, I should know every inch of it,” he said, and he pulled Kuma up by his ankle—a stunt that Kuma hated. “And you are going to help me.”

“LET ME GO! I will do NO such thing! Lest you forget—your kingdom ends at the Borders!” Kuma cried. “What’s beyond it is no longer yours!”

Dailus let him go, still laughing at his own joke. “Apodis owns the day—everything the light touches is mine!” 

“You know how much I hate it when you act overly ambitious, Dailus!” Kuma said resentfully. 

“And you should see your face when you’re annoyed—IT’S PRICELESS, KUMA!” 

Still scowling at the humiliation he endured, Kuma decided to glide towards the Watchtower before Dailus decided to do something else to him for his amusement. “Not all of it is yours!” he cried. “You sound like you’d make a poor king! Your own father did not covet the world, and neither should you.”


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## Persephone (Jun 23, 2009)

Continuation: 
“How do you know he doesn’t covet it, dear cousin? Have you asked him?” Dailus said, following his cousin downward towards Lio, the Head Guard of the Northern tower, who waved at them as they descended. 

“No, but how do you know he does?”

“I don’t, but he is my father, and I bet he and I have the same line of thinking,” Dailus said, landing ahead of Kuma and spreading his arms wide as if he was about to catch him. It was meant as an insult, and Kuma resented it even more than the ankle dangling stunt Dailus did earlier. He stopped in mid-air, folding his arms across his chest, scowling even deeper than before. Dailus put his arms down and looked at his cousin apologetically. “All right—maybe I was overly ambitious to want more than the kingdom.” He tried to look as sorry as he could, but Kuma wasn’t buying it. In the end, Dailus gave up; flinging his arms in the air, he said, “Aren’t you curious about what is on the other side of that wall?” 

Kuma shook his head. “Not the slightest. I know what’s out there: the Eriduns.”

“The Eriduns are not the only ones beyond the Borders.”

“Again,” Kuma said, “how do you know?”

“I don’t,” Dailus said. 

“Then it makes no sense going there, Dailus.”

“Actually, it makes all the sense in Pleione, Kuma,” countered the prince. “For one, if there is something magnificent outside, it will be a great victory to Apodis if we claim it. Second, if there is nothing out there but the Eriduns, it will benefit our people to know the truth. We can stop them from attempting to go to the Borders by educating them on what is exactly on the other side.”

“Well, I don’t want to go anywhere near that wall much less beyond it,” said Kuma, landing beside Dailus. “It is against the law, Dailus, and even you, my prince, are not exempted from the law. Those who have been caught were executed. You’d be foolish to attempt it.”

“Execute ME? Me, Kuma?” asked Dailus, laughing at the hilarious idea his cousin presented. “No one can execute me. I can cross the Borders if I want to and when I want to. No one can stop me, not even you.”

“It is also too far for any Apodisian to fly to. You’ll die of exhaustion before you reach it.”
Dailus snorted. “I’m the fastest flyer in Apodis, Kuma!”

“Speed is one thing, endurance is another.”

“Well, if you don’t want to come, FINE! I’ll do it alone if I have to,” Dailus said, greatly vexed by his cousin’s persistence.

Lio, overhearing their debate, gave Kuma a worried look, but Kuma shook his head. Relieved, Lio returned to his post inside the tower. 

“Why can’t you be a nice prince and follow the law, Dailus?” Kuma said shortly. “The Borders are there because—”

“—because someone waged war with the wrong neighbor,” said Dailus, sounding more contemptuous than necessary. 

“They started the war, Dailus, not us.”

“I wonder if it says the same thing in the Eridun history books.” 

“Not again—I’ve heard your conspiracy theories too many times, Dailus, it’s no longer amusing!”

The prince turned to the empty space between them and the wall that kept him from the world beyond it. He wondered if he was overly romanticizing the enemy. Their books have detailed descriptions of how lethal and merciless Eriduns have been towards their kind—killing off their younglings with spears of lightning, or drowning them slowly in their whirlpools. The massacre of Utan-Kee was particularly terrifying to see, and it filled his younger nights with endless nightmares. However, talks with their most unpopular philosopher and teacher, Arrackis, made him rethink the books that had molded his childhood. 

“Have you ever heard anything from the Eridun point of view, Kuma?”

“No—and thank goodness for that! I never want to meet an Eridun for as long as I live!” Kuma said loudly.

“I’ve been thinking about that, you know,” said the prince, still looking blankly into the open space. “Why don’t we make peace with them? Open the gates and allow them in.”

“Dailus you have lost your mind!”

“It’s been ages since that war—there is a new generation of Apodisians and Eriduns now,” said Dailus, “and we know nothing of their quarrel. We should try to make peace with them and gain back their friendship.”

“Friendship with monsters?” Kuma cried. "Dailus—has Vega fried your head? Eriduns have no sense of intelligence—they are not a people—they are beasts of the waters!”

Dailus looked at his cousin, half laughing at his panic. “You worry too much, Kuma. The stories about them are so magnificently horrible that I find myself disbelieving them all. I have never seen one of these so-called monsters of the deep. For all we know, they’re all dead.”

“—or waiting to ambush the next Apodisian who crosses the Border!”

“Think, Kuma—if they are as beastly as the stories make them, how could they have waged war?” Dailus asked. “Only intelligent beings can do that—beings with a sense of self-government, who have laws, and organized militia can wage war against another people as advanced as us.” Kuma looked away, defeated. “If they are intelligent enough to wage war, then they are intelligent enough to declare peace. I do not fear them. Besides, if they are truly beastly, why do we have attempts at the Borders every year? No, Kuma, they are not beastly at all; I even suspect that they are the reason for the attempts.” 

Kuma, having given up, said nothing. 

“When I become king,” said Dailus after a while, “I shall order the wall destroyed.”

“What an ambitious task?” Kuma said sardonically. “And how do you begin this incredible deed, my prince?”

“With your help, of course!” Dailus said, smiling suggestively at his cousin.

“I won’t help you,” Kuma replied. 

“Of course you will.”

“No, I won’t, because I don’t believe in your cause,” Kuma said. “I like the way things are—with them out there and us safe in here.”

A long silence ensued between them after that, and Kuma could see that Dailus was lost in his own thoughts for a while. What he was thinking of, Kuma could only guess, but he knew, no matter what his thoughts were, it couldn’t be good for them both.

“Vega will help me,” Dailus said shortly. 

“Vega leaves the skies, my prince, and it takes him hours to return,” Kuma countered.

Dailus walked towards the edge of Unuk-Milui and looked out into the gargantuan cage surrounding his Kingdom. “The gates are not that far. I can make it there and back in a matter of hours.”

“Don’t do it!” Kuma warned stiffly. 

At that, Dailus turned to him and laughed so loud Lio rushed out of the tower. Kuma looked at him, shrugging his shoulders, looking as confused as he does. 

When Dailus finally got the better of his mirth, he said, “You never cease to amuse me, dear cousin! You should look at yourself when you’re scared out of your wits—it’s amazing how your face contorts in so many folds all at once.”

“I should remember to stop accompanying you from now on.”

Dailus, knowing he had pushed Kuma's patience too far, grabbed him by the arm and pulled him close, placing an arm around his shoulder. “I’m sorry. Don’t be like that; you know that you are the only one in my confidence, Kuma. The only one that I trust with all my secrets and all my secret longings. I dread the day I lose your friendship—forgive me. I know I went too far with my jest.”

Kuma smiled at him, and said, "Yes you did." Then, tapping his arm, Kuma added, “Forgiven. So, can we stop talking about the borders now?”

“All right, no more talk of the Borders—for now,” said Dailus. Kuma sighed and walked towards his father’s house. Dailus looked at the wall again, and he could still feel the desire to reach it and cross it burning inside him. “I will reach you someday… someday…” Then he, too, went inside his uncle’s home.


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I'm writing the story as we speak, but if you guys think it's lame, I'll trash it.


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## YayGollum (Jun 24, 2009)

You should obtain a better reason for trashing it than, "Those The Tolkien Forum Dot Com humans didn't like the bits that I offered." Yes, you should continue, at the least because I would enjoy more information. The story might be lame. I can't tell yet. From what I have read so far, I would have few problems with continuing to read. I have seen much older styles. Was the style supposed to look especially old? If so, it needs revision. Towards a co-writer, how many times have you and I written about co-writing?


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## Persephone (Jun 24, 2009)

YayGollum said:


> You should obtain a better reason for trashing it than, "Those The Tolkien Forum Dot Com humans didn't like the bits that I offered." Yes, you should continue, at the least because I would enjoy more information. The story might be lame. I can't tell yet. From what I have read so far, I would have few problems with continuing to read. I have seen much older styles. Was the style supposed to look especially old? If so, it needs revision. Towards a co-writer, how many times have you and I written about co-writing?



Yes, but you always seem to be very very busy - and I don't mean this in a bad way, because I know that real life is extremely hard nowadays. I didn't want to bother you about it. 

Also, regarding the style, I wanted it to sound fantastical - not nearly as old as Tolkien - but not as modern as Potter. I want it somewhere between since this is set in another galaxy anyway, an entirely different planet. I would love to co-write with you, if you still have the time.

About asking opinions from people here, it's important to me to know that it is readable. I don't want to waste my time if people are just going to hurl it with great force after reading the first chapter. And people here are honest and know me long enough not to be patronizing.


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## YayGollum (Jun 24, 2009)

I am not busy. I really wish that I was. 

It sounds decently fantastical enough, I suppose. It does not seem as old as Tolkien type stuff, and I wouldn't know what the evil harry potter sounds like. Too sickeningly popular for myself to touch. *shudders* 

And I won't make the point that is always made about writing ---> Your fulfillment is the only the matters. Write what you enjoy, and flick people who hate you in the head (or some equivalent). It looks as if you are looking to entertain others, with this one.

I am up for assisting. Point me towards a goal. Toss me what ideas you already have to work with. Also, you are looking for a co-writer for what purpose? You are horrible at describing architecture, but you've got everything else handled?


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## Illuin (Jun 27, 2009)

Didn't realize the story was here Narya. I was looking in your groups . Sounds excellent to me so far. My kind of story. Why the heck would you want to trash it, especially if you have been thinking about it for awhile? My only suggestion is that you don't give away too much too fast. The mystery of the wall and beyond is really cool, and should be revealed slowly (IMO). I especially like the little creepy suggestion: _"the Eriduns are not the only ones beyond the Borders"_. I'm not sure how I'd go about it. Showing how the two worlds exist on their own in a back and forth manner until they come together, or keeping the Eriduns a mystery for the most part, other than maybe a few "_visitors_" from the Sea that spend time in Apodis (maybe in hiding with Dailus), revealing only bits and pieces of their world. I'm sure you've got it covered though. I like the astronomical references like King _Cepheus_ and _Vega_. Let me know where you're going to post this so I can read more.


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## Persephone (Jun 27, 2009)

Illuin said:


> Didn't realize the story was here Narya. I was looking in your groups . Sounds excellent to me so far. My kind of story. Why the heck would you want to trash it, especially if you have been thinking about it for awhile? My only suggestion is that you don't give away too much too fast. The mystery of the wall and beyond is really cool, and should be revealed slowly (IMO). I especially like the little creepy suggestion: _"the Eriduns are not the only ones beyond the Borders"_. I'm not sure how I'd go about it. Showing how the two worlds exist on their own in a back and forth manner until they come together, or keeping the Eriduns a mystery for the most part, other than maybe a few "_visitors_" from the Sea that spend time in Apodis (maybe in hiding with Dailus), revealing only bits and pieces of their world. I'm sure you've got it covered though. I like the astronomical references like King _Cepheus_ and _Vega_. Let me know where you're going to post this so I can read more.





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Well, Yay, looks like we've got some writing to do


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