# Who Knows Whom The Best



## Lillyaundra (Oct 20, 2002)

[Elrond enters an the audience is cheering]

ELROND: Thank you, thank you. Welcome to "Who Knows Whom the Best" with the Fellowship of the Ring! And our contestants, and fellowship members, are Frodo Baggins, Samwise Gamgee, Meriadoc Brandybuck, Peregrin Took, Aragorn son of Arathorn, Boromir son of Denethor, Legolas son of Thranduil, Gimli son of Glóin and Gandalf son of... uh, son of... here they are!

[The fellowship enters and take their places]

ELROND: Okay, first the rules. You will be given a number of questions concerning the members of your fellowship. If you know the answer, hit the buzzer in front of you and if you're the first to buzz your buzzer you get to answer. If you get it wrong the question moves on to the next one who buzzes. You get one point for a correct answer, and the one who has the most points in the end is our winner. You are not allowed to answer questions about yourself. And it is also forbidden to cheat, which is why Pippin is not allowed to use the palantír... Please give it to me Pippin! 

[Pippin gives palantír to Elrond]

ELROND: First question, who was the ringbearer? [buzzer] Sam?

SAM: Mr. Frodo! 

ELROND: That's right one point. Second question. [buzzer] Pippin I haven't read the question yet...

PIPPIN: Sorry...

ELROND: Okay... Who's got blonde hair and-- [buzzer interrupts him] Aragorn?

ARAGORN: Legolas!

LEGOLAS: Objection! We don't know what my hair colour is for sure, for it is never mentioned!

ELROND: True, but you have blond hair in the movie and the rest of the question reads "and resides in Mirkwood".

LEGOLAS: Okay then...

ELROND: Who has a sister named Pearl? [buzzer] Merry.

MERRY: Pippin.

Elrond: Correct.

[The audience cheers, as they always do when someone scores a point. Aragorn, Gimli, Boromir and Legolas aren't cheering however, they look displeased]

GIMLI: You never told us that, so how were we supposed to know?

PIPPIN: Read the appendix.

[Pippin yelps as two swords, one axe and two arrows point at him from members of the fellowship who obviously didn't read the appendix]

ELROND: Calm down or I will send you off to Mordor. One point to Merry. Next question. Which one of the Hobbits would be most likely to skip a meal? [long pause] Shall I repeat the question? [buzzer] Aragorn.

ARAGORN: I think it's Merry.

ELROND: Wrong... [buzzer] Legolas.

LEGOLAS: Frodo?

ELROND: Wrong again... [buzzer] Gimli.

GIMLI: Pippin?

ELROND: Wrong again! [buzzer] Boromir.

BOROMIR: It's got to be Sam.

ELROND: No that's wrong too... 

[Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli and Boromir all look mighty confused. Pippin hits his buzzer]

ELROND: Pippin you're not allowed to answer questions concerning Hobbits. 

PIPPIN: But I'm obviously not the correct answer at this question! 

ELROND: That doesn't matter. [buzzer] Gandalf?

GANDALF: None of them.

ELROND: Finally correct. Next question...

PIPPIN: I'm hungry.

ELROND: That proves--

MERRY: [cuts Elrond off] I'm also hungry...

SAM: And so am I...

ELROND: [trying not to lose his temper] The longer you whine about it the longer it will be before we're done and you can go have dinner! Next question! Who got stabbed by a cave-- [buzzer cuts him off] 

SAM: Mr. Frodo!

ELROND: Correct Sam. Now, let's go into some random "Lord of the Rings" trivia!

BOROMIR: That's not what this game show is supposed to be about.

ELROND: Oh cork it, I decide which questions belong or not! It's one of the priviliges of being the host! And the trivia concerns you all. Now, what is the Elvish word for friend? [buzzer] Yes, Gandalf? 

GANDALF: Mellon.

BOROMIR: Great, now you remember the word!

GANDALF: What are you talking about? I never had any problem remembering it. Just figuring out that mellon was the password!

FRODO: [proudly] Which you managed to do thanks to me.

ELROND: One poin--

MERRY: [interrupting Elrond again] Excuse me Frodo. But it was I who helped Gandalf, haven't you read the book? Page 297 if memory serves me right. You only help him out in the movie.

PIPPIN: I thought it was I who helped Gandalf...

MERRY: No Pip, you were the one who annoyed him so much that he wanted to knock your head against the doors.

PIPPIN: [remembering] Yeah, that's right.

LEGOLAS: Okay, we can agree on the fact that it was Frodo in the movie and Merry in the book, right? Then we can move along to a more relevant subject. Like why Gandalf didn't ask me for the password. I thought my ears gave it away that I am an Elf and that Elves speak Elvish.

GIMLI: [grabbing axe] Are you saying that you knew the password all along? 

FRODO: You could have told it earlier back there and that watcher wouldn't have touched me. Thanks a lot! 

GIMLI: We sat out there the whole time and you didn't say a word! Come Frodo and let Sting accompany you. We'll show that non-speaking Elf! 

[Frodo draws Sting and Legolas jumps away from an angry Gimli]

LEGOLAS: Aragorn! Help! Calm him down!

ARAGRN: Me? You're the one who's best friends with him!

GANDALF: Aragorn let the Dwarf chase him for awhile! [laughs slyly]

[Legolas isn't too happy about the situation, he picks up an arrow and aims it at Gimli who stops] 

LEGOLAS: Calm down! 

ARAGORN: Now calm down both of you! 

ELROND: How you guys made it to Amon Hen without bludgeoning each other makes no sense at all to me. One point for Gandalf, and be seated, all of you! 

MERRY: It should be our point. That old wizard wouldn't know the answer without me! [Frodo harks] And Frodo in the movie. 

GANDALF: Okay so you did one good thing-- 

SAM: One? One? One?! Excuse me but who took the ring to Mordor? It was Mr. Frodo, and that was not just one good thing. 

[Sam looks angry at Gandalf and reaches for a frying pan. Gimli, who has now been accompanied by Frodo and Sting, is aiming at Legolas who has a hard time deciding whom of the two to aim at. Pippin is hungry and starts to complain so loudly that Boromir decides to do something about it and draws his sword. When he does that Merry draws his at Boromir. Aragorn is standing in the middle and tries to calm the others down but no one listens so he gets so he gets angry and draws Andúril]

ELROND: Cut to commercial! Cut to commercial!




[Commercial Break]


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## Lillyaundra (Oct 20, 2002)

ELORND: Welcome back. The score is that Sam and Gandalf are in the lead with two points each. Second are Merry and Aragorn with one point each, and the rest remain at zero points. And now there has been a new rule added. No weapons allowed and that also includes frying pans. And now, as the Hobbits have finished yet another meal, we are ready to proceed. Our next question goes... Who liked Bill the pony the most, and had a knick for throwing apples? [buzzer] Frodo.

FRODO: Sam.

ELROND: That's right, on-- 

SAM: [cuts him off] Mister Frodo! [runs over and hugs him] You like me... [hugs him tighter]

FRODO: [clenched] A... kingdom... for a... mithril shirt... 

ELROND: Sam, you're not allowed to hug your fellow contestants. So let go of Frodo. And I mean now! There... Next question who is also known as Storm Crow? [buzzer] Pippin.

PIPPIN: [happy grin] Aragorn!

ELROND: Sorry, wrong answer.

PIPPIN: Are you sure? [turns to Aragorn]

ARAGORN: Uh, let me see... [mumbeling, listing on fingers] Aragorn, Strider, Estel, Elessar, Dunedain... nope not me. 

[Pippin doesn't look as happy anymore. Legolas hits his buzzer]

LEGOLAS: It's Gandalf. 

ELROND: Correct Legolas, your first point.

[Female audience cheering and Legolas bows gracefully for them]

SAM: Gandalf I thought you were called Grey Pilgrim, Mithrandir, Olórin and... and...

FRODO: ... Tharkûn and Incánus!

SAM: Right! Thanks Mister Frodo! Thrakrûn and Incástus.

GANDALF: Right... Those too, I'm popular you know. And I like having lots of names, the more the merrier!

ELROND: Moving on... Whom in the fellowship is loved by Éowyn? [buzzer] Boromir?

BOROMIR: Faramir!

PIPPIN: Is Faramir a part of the fellowship? Is he? [looks at Merry]

ELROND: No his not young Hobbit, Boromir got the answer wrong.

BOROMIR: But they got married! That means that she must love him. Meriadoc you know the Lady, she does like Faramir doesn't she? 

MERRY: Yes she does.

BOROMIR: You see, I was right Elrond.

ELROND: [under his breath] Now I understand why Tolkien killed you of relatively early. [buzzer] Gimli.

GIMLI: Aragorn.

ELROND: Correct!

BOROMIR: But why? What does she see in him? What does he have, that my brother doesn't have?

ARAGORN: Well, were to start... I'm king! Plus I look good, and there's nothing strange about her loving me.

GIMLI: [rolling eyes] You forgot to mention modest. You sure like the attention.

ARAGORN: Oh yes... [notices the if-looks-could-kill look from Elrond] I mean no! No, no, no, no, no!

ELROND: One point to Gimli.

ARAGORN: ... No, no, no, no, no, no! I definitely do like Éowyn. No, I mean don't, don't! I don't like Éowyn.

MERRY: I happen to know her very well and she is niece to king Théoden who I also happen to know very well, so if you insult her you insult Théoden and therefor you insult me. Come on Pippin. For Théoden!

PIPPIN: But I don't know Théoden!

MERRY: Pippin, you're ruining my angry attack! You can attack him for the beer in Bree or something!

PIPPIN: Okay! Chaaaaaaaarge!

[Merry and Pippin run against Aragorn. Pippin accidentally trips over Gimli's axe and sprains his ankle] 

ARAGORN: Merry calm down. I don't hate her, I think she's a very nice girl and a very brave one too.

MERRY: [calming down] Oh. That's a relief then, I thought I would have to kill you. I've offed the ringwraiths' Witch King, so a guy like you wouldn't have been such a big deal! [leads Pippin back]

PIPPIN: Oww, my poor hobbit ankle.

ELROND: Now, next question. Whom in the fellowship has a horn? [buzzer] Legolas.

LEGOLAS: Boromir.

ELROND: Correct Legolas, one more point. That's good, remember that you represent the Elves. It is a highly--

MERRY: [interrupting Elrond once again, upset] I too have a horn! 

[Everyone turns to Merry]

MERRY: I too have a horn. A horn which I received from the hands of the white lady of Rohan! [takes out his horn and blows it]

LEGOLAS: Ahh! My poor elven ears! The horror!

ELROND: Meriadoc Brandybuck, stop that right now! [takes Merry's horn]

MERRY: No one takes the possession of a Brandybuck! You will not get away with this!

PIPPIN: I'm right behind you! 

MERRY/PIPPIN: For the Shire!

[Pippin kicks Elrond on the knee]

BOROMIR: I hate it when he does that.

PIPPIN: Owww! My ankle!

[Merry and Pippin jump on Elrond and wrestle him down]

BOROMIR: That's gotta hurt.

[The screen goes blurry. A textline appears that reads "Temporary technical problems". After a few seconds the screen goes black and the text reads "To be continued"]


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## HobbitGirl (Oct 20, 2002)

Genius...pure genius!! Encore, encore!


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## legoman (Oct 21, 2002)

Hahaha, I agree, we want more, thats one of the funniest things I've EVER read on here!
Jolly well done. keep it up.


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## Lillyaundra (Oct 21, 2002)

MERRY: Welcome back to another episode of "Who Knows Whom the Best"! I, Meriadoc Brandybuck, will be your host today, as Elrond has had to be taken to the House of Healing. I hope this will be a lesson to him, do not take something from a Hobbit who has helped slay a Ringwraith. [blows his horn]

ARAGORN: The hands of the King are the hands of a healer.

BOROMIR: So how do you explain that they had to take him away?

ARAGORN: I… don't know! I'm a King, not a psychic!

[Galadriel enters and takes the horn from Merry. She sees the look he gives her and quickly hands it back]

GALADRIEL: I will not take the horn from you. But I will forbid you to blow it. I am now the hostess of this show! The score is now that Legolas, Samwise and Gandalf in the lead with two points each, followed by Aragorn, Meriadoc, Frodo and Gimli who each have one point. [looks up at the audience and notices the attention she's getting] This is fun, I could get used to this! 

MERRY: But what about me?

GALADRIEL: You go back to the others and take part in the contest, like you're supposed to! And according to the new rules it is forbidden to blow horns. Have I made myself clear? Okay. Be seated, Meriadoc! The question reads, which one of the Hobbits published a book about herbal medicine? [buzzer] Aragorn.

ARAGORN: Sam.

FRODO: You might think so. He is a good gardner [Sam nearly faints] He's actually one of the best in all Middle-Earth. [Sam faints]

GALADRIEL: [to Aragorn] Sorry longshanks. [looking at card] It's not the Hobbit that we are looking for. Can someone have a look at the one who fainted?

[Arwen goes to fainted Sam]

SAM: [looking up at Arwen] If your father where here he would add a new rule, fainting is forbidden. 

ARWEN: No, I don't think it's necessary. But if it's possible, try not to.

GIMLI: [loud whisper] Is it Frodo or Merry? I mean it could not be Pippin. Right Legolas?

GALADRIEL: No helping each other out! [buzzer] Boromir.

BOROMIR: I think it's Merry.

GALADRIEL: Right and correct.

SAM: [a bit woosy] He thinks I'm good… The best…

FRODO: Pull yourself together Sam.

SAM: Whatever you say Mr. Frodo sir.

[Sam sits up in his chair and Arwen goes back to her seat]

GALADRIEL: That gives Boromir one point. Who in the fellowship says yrch and when? [buzz, buzz] Gimli!

GIMLI: Legolas… When he gets dirty… [everyone, except Legolas, laughs] Or when he hears or sees orcs.

GALADRIEL: [through hysterical laughter] Correct. Gimli, one point. Next question…

LEGOLAS: [whiny] I do not!

GIMLI: Sorry, sorry.

GALADRIEL: [having stopped laughing] So in the lead we still have Samwise, Gandalf and Gimli with two points each and close behind we have all others with one point. Except for Peregrin who has none. Okay. Whom in the fellowship was brought up by the Elves in Rivendell? [buzzer] Borormir.

BOROMIR: Legolas.

LEGOLAS: Why would the prince of Mirkwood be brought up in Rivendell?

BOROMIR: How should I know? You might have been a bad little Elf, unlike me who is the favourite son. 

GALADRIEL: Wrong, Boromir. [buzzer] Frodo.

FRODO: Aragorn, also known as Estel by the Rivendell Elves.

GALADRIEL: Correct.

PIPPIN: Strider, it must have been quite fun growing up here! I always thought you were brought up by wolfs in the forest. When I saw you the first time I would never have dreamed that you were brought up at a place like this. I can almost imagine you being clean--

MERRY: [covering Pippin's mouth with his hand] Pippin for your own sake, hush! Continue Galadriel.

GALADRIEL: Thank you Meriadoc. Next question. The future son of which Hobbit in the fellowship will marry a daughter of Samwise? [buzzer] Aragorn?

ARAGORN: Merry?

GALADRIEL: Wrong. [buzzer] Legolas.

LEGOLAS: It can't be Frodo, since he sails of to the West, and it can be Sam's son since that would be gross… That leaves only… Pippin?

GALADRIEL: Peregrin, also known as Pippin, is the right answer. 

GIMLI: It's hard to believe… I guess it's written in the appendix. 

PIPPIN: [whiny] Whats that supposed to mean?

SAM: Pippin! If your future son does anything to hurt my little girl--

FRODO: Which one?

SAM: Either one! If he hurts her, I will take out all of my frying pans!!! 

PIPPIN: If your daughter does anything to hurt my son, I… [realizes] Merry will take out his frying… sword!

SAM: Why would my daughter hurt your son?

ARAGORN: What's a frying sword? Some sort of Hobbit weapon? Or cooking device? Or both?

PIPPIN: I don't know, ask Merry!

MERRY: Hey, leave me out of this!

PIPPIN: [to Sam, angry] I suppose you think it will be my child hurting yours because mine will be the boy!

SAM: Well… now that's what I think! And we all know Tooks can't be trusted.

PIPPIN: What do you mean by that? Has your tiny brain forgotten that Merry and I came with Frodo and yourself, out of own free will and saved your lives and helped you out?

SAM: That just proves you're insane.

PIPPIN: Well let me tell you something, no son of mine will be raised to someone who hurts people!

SAM: And my daughter will?

PIPPIN: Well obviously! Otherwise, who's gonna hurt who?

MERRY: Is anyone else really confused right now?

[Sam and Pippin start yelling at each other while Merry occasionally throws in a comment that makes the argument more heated] 

GALADRIEL: [fed-up, looking scary] Will you rugrats quiet down and stop this yapping, or I'll give you something to yap about! Stop this arguing at this instant or I will make sure neither one of you ever has children!

SAM: I already have children.

GALADRIEL: [raging] Don't get smart with me!

FRODO: Wow. Even scarier than in the movie!

LEGOLAS: Que?

GALADRIEL: I need a break… I need a break… Oh my elven nerves… Cut to commercial!



[Commercial Break]


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## Lillyaundra (Oct 21, 2002)

AND NOW!!! May i present!!!! LORD OF THE RINGS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! belly dancers!

yes you heard right they are one of a kind belly dancers, you could be the special one to get ARWEN or even the one and only GALADRIEL!!

This is a onece in a life time offer! don't miss it!!


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## Lillyaundra (Oct 21, 2002)

[Elrond has now returned, with his arm in a cast and standing on crutches. Elladan and Elrohir are standing on either side of him to support him]

ELROND: Welcome back! I, Elrond, have now returned as your host, after a quick stop at the House of Healing, where Galadriel is at the moment seeing her psychiatrist. From what I understand Legolas is in lead with three points, Sam, Gandalf, Frodo and Gimli come second with two points and Aragorn, Merry and Boromir have one point [sarcastic] and to everybody's surprise Pippin has none! And there will be no more fighting about things that haven't yet happened. Got that?

[Pippin and Sam have calmed down, but neither one looks very happy with the other]

PIPPIN: [muttering under breath] "You can't trust a Took"… Who does he think he is?

ELROND: I heard that!

[Pippin quickly quiets and looks rather scared]

FRODO: Pssst! Aragorn! Which one is Elladan and which one is Elrohir?

ELROND: [glaring at Frodo] May we continue? Good! Next question. What does Gandalf battle at the bridge of Khazad-Dum? [buzzer] Gimli.

GIMLI: I know, I know… A balrog!

LEGOLAS: [screams loudly and gets everyone's attention] A balrog! [hides under his chair] 

GANDALF: Legolas! There is no balrog here, so you can come out.

LEGOLAS: [takes his seat again] Sorry, but I think they are really scary. 

PIPPIN: [whispering to Merry] What was the answer to the question?

MERRY: I dunno.

PIPPIN: Elrond! Elrond! [loud to get his attention] Elrond! Balrog--

[Pippin is cut off by a scream from Aragorn, who falls from his chair when Legolas takes cover again. The rest turn to look at Pippin]

ARAGORN: Don't ever do that again!

LEGOLAS: Me or Pippin?

ARAGORN: Both!

ELROND: You don't have to shout it out like that! I…

SAM: …will change the rules. No screaming allowed. [smiles big at Elrond]

ELROND: Right. [turns to Pippin] And you…

PIPPIN: You didn't hear me so I had to shout.

ELLADAN: He heard you, he was just ignoring you.

[Pippin looks offended]

ELROND: Next question! What present did Gimli recieve from Galadriel when leaving Lothlórien? [buzzer] Sam.

SAM: A box of dirt!

MERRY: Dude, that was your gift.

SAM: Are you sure?

MERRY: Do you remember planting a bunch of trees with it?

SAM: Now that you mention it… Ooops!

ARAGORN: [hits buzzer] I know! He got three strains of her hair!

ELROND: Correct.

GIMLI: [screams in terror] Oh no! I can't find the hair! Someone has stolen the hair! Nobody leaves the room! Okay! Who did it? Who did it? [to Boromir] It was you, wasn't it?

BOROMIR: Me?

GIMLIL: You were jealous of my gift! Admit it!

[Gimli storms into the middle of the room, shouting and screaming]

GIMLI: Who has it? Who has it?

LEGOLAS: [yawning] Did you check your inner right pocket?

GIMLI: [does so] It's not here.

LEGOLAS: Third pocket from the left.

GIMLI: [searches] Yay! I found it! I found it! Here it is!

ELROND: [sarcastic] Now that this extreme emegency is taken care of maybe we can proceed! Moving along… Who is son to the ruler of Gondor? [buzzer, sigh] Yes Pippin?

PIPPIN: Boromir!

ELROND: No that's incorrect. Anyone else?

ELROHIR: But… it says Boromir on the card.

ELROND: [confused] What did Pippin say, again?

PIPPIN: [upset] Boromir!

ELROND: Are you sure?

ELROHIR: Yeah. He said Boromir.

ELROND: Okay then…

ARAGORN: But waaaaaaaaiiiit a minute here! [picks up crown] I have the crown of Gondor. Which would make my son Eldarion the correct answer.

GIMLI: Your son isn't a member of the fellowship.

ARAGORN: So?

BOROMIR: My daddy ruled Gondor! I am a correct answer!

ARAGORN: Are you related to Isildur?

BOROMIR: No.

ARAGORN: Then you're an incorrect answer!

BOROMIR: Am not!

ARAGORN: Are too!

BOROMIR: Am not!

ARAGORN: Are too!

BOROMIR: Not, not, not, not, not…

ARAGORN: Too, too, too, too, too…

PIPPIN: [furious] Elrond! Make them shut up and give me my point!

ELROND: Sorry Aragorn, Boromir is the correct answer to this question.

BOROMIR: Ha!

ARAGORN: [grumpy] Just you wait…

PIPPIN: So I get a point?

ELROND: Yes you get a point.

PIPPIN: Yay! [does victory dance]

ELROND: Very good Pippin. One whole point. Be seated! Next question! Who told Sam not to leave Frodo? [buzzer] Aragorn. 

ARAGORN: Gildor Inglorion!

ELROND: Yes that is correct.

GANDALF: No! It is not! It was I who told him not to leave Frodo. Right Frodo?

FRODO: No, I think it was Gildor. Wasn't it?

ARAGORN: Yay!

FRODO: It was Gildor. I'm sure of it. Right Pippin?

PIPPIN: You want my opinion? Wow! Well it was Glorofindel, wasn't it?

MERRY: Uhhhh… No. Glorofindel was the one who came and rescued Frodo after Weathertop. Remember?

PIPPIN: Potayto, potahto.

GANDALF: I'm pretty sure it was me! At Bag End! I mentioned it to you Gimli, didn't I? [wink]

GIMLI: [hesitating] Nnnnn… [sees Gandalf's look] Sure you told me!

LEGOLAS: I'm with Aragorn on this one. It had to be an Elf!

GIMLI: Now I'm really agreeing with Gandalf!

SAM: Actually--

MERRY: [cutting him off] Well I'm sure it was Gildor! Pippin told me.

GANDALF: Pippin just said he thought it was Glorofindel!

MERRY: Potayto, potahto.

SAM: Guys, I--

BOROMIR: [cutting him off] I think it was Gandalf. Because it's a very Gandalf-y thing to say. Plus Sam talks in his sleep and he said-- 

MERRY: [cutting him off] Sam has also said in his sleep that he likes to dress in pink, but that doesn't make it true!

SAM: Excuse me!

FRODO: It has to be Gildor.

GANDALF: Me!

MERRY: Gildor!

GIMLI: Gandalf!

LEGOLAS: Gildor the Elf!

BOROMIR: Gandalf!

PIPPIN: Glorofindel!

ALL: No! 

SAM: Hey! Why don't you ask me?

FRODO: Oh what would you know about it?

ELLADAN: [to Elrohir] I wonder if they're always this stupid?

ELROND: Will you stop this arguing! Now! So we can--

MERRY: [cutting him off] Stay out of it!

ELROND: [loud voice] The correct answer is Gildor so everyone just sit down and stop this argu--

SAM: [cutting Elrond off, angry] If anyone knows the right answer it's me!

PIPPIN: Why?

MERRY: [annoyed] Pippin! 

ELROND: I am the allmighty judge and I rule in favor of Aragorn. Moving along… Whose clothes were confiscated by Sauron? 

PIPPIN: That's a dirty question!

FRODO: What does confiscated mean?

SAM: [hits buzzer] Pippin!

ELROND: [giving him a you're-stupid look] Uh, no.

SAM: But… [thinks] Pippin was at the Black Gates… and not in his Hobbit clothes…

FRODO: What does confiscated mean?

ARAGORN: [bangs his buzzer really hard] I know! Frodo!

SAM: No. If it were Mister Frodo I would have known the answer.

ARAGORN: But it was Mister Frodo! I mean, Frodo!

ELROND: Frodo is the right answer.

SAM: [breaking into tears] Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo…

ELROHIR: Maybe they're not as close as one might have thought after the counsil.

[Sam cries harder]

ELLADAN: Nice going, bro. You made the cry baby cry harder.

ELROND: Stop crying! Stop it right now or I will forbid it!

SAM: [makes a huge effort and stops crying] I'm sorry Mr. Frodo!

FRODO: For what? And can someone please tell me what confiscated means?

PIPPIN: Remember that time when you woke up in a tower all naked and your clothes had been brought to Sauron?

FRODO: Yeah.

MERRY: [overly clear] Con-fi-sca-ted.

ELROND: Let's see now, that means Aragorn has another point and is now in the lead with four points!

ARAGORN: Yeah baby! Go me!

ELROND: Next question. Who--

MERRY: [cutting him off, whiny] How long are we going to play this game? I'm hungry!

PIPPIN: Now that you mention it…

FRODO: I could use a snack!

ELROND: Oh no!

GIMLI: I'm really hungry too!

ELROND: Oh no you're not! Eat some lembas and pipe down! I want no more--

MERRY: [cutting him off] Dictator.

ELROND: Blabber mouth!

MERRY: She elf!

ARAGORN: [to both] Childish!

ELROND: [to Merry] Tag-along!

MERRY: Horn stealer!

ELROND: Interrupt--

MERRY: I never interrupt people!

ELLADAN: Would you just cut it out? Manwë!

MERRY: Don't call me by nicknames!

ELROHIR: He wasn't talking to you.

ELROND: No he wasn't. And soon I'll be adding a new rule. No interrupting people!

MERRY: You're one to talk!

SAM: [rolling eyes] I didn't see that one coming.

ELROND: [to himself] Remember to count to ten, count to ten… [deep breath] Right… Where were we?

ELLADAN: In the middle of a quiz show.

ELROND: Not funny!

SAM: Hi hi!


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## Lillyaundra (Oct 21, 2002)

ELROND: Quiet you! Now. Who does not like riding horses? [buzzer] Lego-- [loud buzzer interrupts him] Aragorn, I already gave Legolas the question.

LEGOLAS: If you hit that buzzer any harder I'll develope tinnitus! And remember, I'll live forever. Forever is a long time to have tinnitus!

ELROND: Just answer the question or you'll end up like Glorofindel. We will replace you with Arwen and no one will ever know you existed.

LEGOLAS: [gulp, pause] Yeah, the correct answer here is Boromir.

BOROMIR: Me?

LEGOLAS: Well you're the only one I never saw on a horse!

ARAGORN: Ha ha! You got it wrong!

[Frodo hits buzzer before Aragorn can]

ARAGORN: Oh man! Is that the thanks I get, Frodo Baggins?

FRODO: [ignoring Aragorn completely] The correct answer is Gimli!

GIMLI: And I am hurt that Legolas didn't know that!

LEGOLAS: But… but… [looks from Boromir to Gimli]

ELROND: Yes, Gimli is the correct answer.

LEGOLAS: But… but…

PIPPIN: Even I knew that!

LEGOLAS: But… [to Gimli, accusingly] You lied to me!

GIMLI: What? When?

LEGOLAS: You told me you enjoyed riding with me! Don't you remember all those times, you and me, riding on Arod, off to be brave and manly in battle… And we would talk about Fangorn, and the Glittering Caves, and how funny Sam looks in his elf cape…

SAM: Excuse me?

LEGOLAS: The point is, you lied!

GIMLI: Well maybe I like riding with you!

ARAGORN: A-ha! Thus Frodo was wrong! Now it is my turn to answer!

[Aragorn bangs his buzzer hard but is interrupted by Merry's buzzer]

ELROND: I have a headache! Neither of you will get to answer because Gimli is the correct answer. No matter what he says about it!

GIMLI: I'm with Merry, the guy's a dictator! Who does he think he is? Our mother? He does look like it in that silly dress. Right Merry?

ELLADAN: [to Elrohir] What do we do about the Dwarf? We cannot let him insult our Father like that!

ELROHIR: But what about the others? They have insulted him too.

ELLADAN: He is a Dwarf.

ELROHIR: I'll hold him, you hit?

GIMLI: Legolas! Are you going to let them do that to me?

LEGOLAS: Maybe.

GIMLI: But I just said I liked riding with you!

LEGOLAS: Elladan, Elrohir… Dwarfs might have awakened evil in the mountains and they may look ugly--

GIMLI: [cuts him off] Well excuse me, Miss Supermodell!

LEGOLAS: Elves and Dwarfs don't always get along but let's not fight! Not here! You can write him an angry letter tomorrow, but right now can we please move on?

ELROND: Thank you… And now--

MERRY: [cuts him off] Let's not fight? All we've done so far is fight!

PIPPIN: Is Gimli the correct answer?

FRODO: Yes, you moron!

ELROND: Do you need to read the bloody cards in order to understand the correct answer?

PIPPIN: Fine! [crosses arms, sulking]

ELROND: Now. We… [looks at wristwatch] Oh! Look how late it is! We're all out of time! And they said that this would only take thirty minutes… Yeah, right! Okay. We will continue this, but for you viewers it will be a while. Tune in tomorrow to see how it all ended. Hopefully. [to Gimli] And you, master Dwarf! Be on your guard! Elladan and Elrohir are my sons, and therefore they can be dangerous!

GIMLI: [dives behind Legolas] Stop them, Legolas!

LEGOLAS: Gimli. They won't maim you now! We still have another half hour to cover!

ELROND: What a horrible truth that is! [to viewers] Watch us tomorrow, as we find out who knows who the best in the Fellowship of the Ring!


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## ltas (Oct 22, 2002)

*APPLAUSE*

 'tis is the bestest show ever!!! 

(Sets up VCR for tomorrow. Can't wait.)


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## legoman (Oct 22, 2002)

yeah, I've got the popcorn out ready and everything, half of my friends are coming round, we read the review, it got 10/10 in the telegraph.


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## FREEDOM! (Oct 22, 2002)

*Applauds loudly*

That is the funniest show ever, not to mention the best!!!!!!!!!

Keepp up the good work i've got everything set to watche tommorrow!!!!!!


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## Kellivara (Oct 22, 2002)

*bursts out laughing* LOL!!!!! they had stuff kinda like this on ringbearer, but this tops it all! And it's been SOOOOOO long since I've been to ringbearer!!!

OOC: did u type this out a while ago and copy n paste it or something? cuz unless u type at the speed of light, there's no way that much could be typed in that short amount of time, lol


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## Lillyaundra (Oct 23, 2002)

OOC:well it is somthing that I have been working on, I have it all the way through 4 episodes, but I am stuck with the TTT...since I havent seen the movie and the ROTK same reason.Glad everyone is enjoying


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## Lillyaundra (Oct 23, 2002)

ELROND: Welcome back everyone to "Who Knows Whom the Best". Today we are still with the Fellowship of the Ring. Aragorn is in the lead with his four points.

ARAGORN: Yeah! I rule both this game and Gondor!

ELROND: Quiet! Legolas, Gimli and Frodo each have three points, Gandalf and Sam follow with two and the rest have all managed to get a point each. Okay. Everybody is seated? Good. With me today are also my two sons Elladan and Elrohir, for those of you who didn't watch us yesterday.

FRODO: [whispering] Aragorn, Aragorn! Which one is Elladan and which one is Elrohir?

ELROND: Quiet Frodo. Which one in the Fellowship is known as the Magnificent? [extremely loud buzzer sound] Aragorn.

ARAGORN: Meriadoc Brandybuck of Buckland.

ELROND: That's right. You now have five points and hold the lead by two.

ARAGORN: [turning to Merry] Who is the magnificent now?

MERRY: You're just jealous beacause your name Elessar means rock.

[Aragorn goes over to Merry, looking dipleased. Elrond sighs] 

ELROND: How long did that take, thirty seconds?

ARAGORN: [to Merry] The word you are searching for is Elf Stone.

MERRY: It should be rock, since it fits you better. Rock head!

FRODO: Rock head? What's a rock head?

ARAGORN: No one insults the king. [turns to Pippin] Pippin, as a Knight of Gondor, arrest this halfling!

PIPPIN: [very surprised] Arrest Merry?

ARAGORN: Do not disobey! Or I'll send you of to the front!

BOROMIR: Not that I wanna be a part of this but, which front, in which war? 

ARAGORN: A war I will start so I can send Pippin there if he disobeys me. Arrest Merry, now! We can fight Bree! That Barliman Butterbur has always had a horn in the side for me. Pippin, arrest Merry!

PIPPIN: Arrest Merry? Have you lost something? Like your mind? Is there something in ruling Gondor which makes one crazy?

ARAGORN: [closing in on Pippin] Do not disobey your king! 

PIPPIN: Help! He wants to burn me alive! 

[Elladan and Elrohir interfere and save Pippin]

ELROND: Aragorn! Calm down! [to himself] Boy am I getting sick of telling people to calm down...

MERRY: He he he… [stops laughing when Elrond turns to him]

ELROND: And as for you-- 

SAM: [interrupting Elrond] You are forbidden to… to… to… What is he forbidden to do?

ELROND: [now looking at Sam] Will you stop that! You are getting on my last ner-- 

MERRY: [interrupting Elrond as many times before] I'm sorry Elrond. I will not tease Aragorn again, even though he has insulted me, Éowyn and Théoden. Not to mention threathining Pippin at least twice. I will act mature and not fight with him.

ELROND: Good. That's more I like it. Now we can-- 

MERRY: [cutting off again] But I will kick his royal behind in this game! [takes out horn and blows]

ELROND: What have I told you about that horn?

MERRY: Uh… Blow it?

ELROND: [mad] It's time for commercial. Stay tuned to see if little Merry Brandybuck will still have lips to blow with when we return! [jumps over with his crutches to Merry]




[Commercial Break]


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## Lillyaundra (Oct 23, 2002)

Do you go on long journeys and get hungry all the time? Well we have a solution for you!!!

LEMBRAS!!! 

Lembras is the way to go, you can eat one packet a day and not be hungry!!!

it gives you all of the neccesary nutrients and tastes great!!!

Gimli:When I first tried lembras, i thought that it was something that was good for you but tasted awful. It was a HUGE shock to the system when it tasted good, I might even have traded some of my peoples bigger secrets to get the recipe....


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## Lillyaundra (Oct 23, 2002)

ELROND: We're back. The score hasn't changed much, because I cut to commercial way too soon. This means the network will want to lay me off, unfortunately. But then again, a nice little vacation wouldn't be too bad... Now, contestants! If you break the rules, I will do something about it! 

[He glances at Merry, whose horn has been placed whith Elladan and Elrohir. We also see that Elrond is now in a wheelchair] 

MERRY: [lifting warning finger] Elladan, if you get as much as the tiniest scratch on my horn, I will hunt you down and shave your head!

ELROHIR: I'm Elrohir.

MERRY: Yeah well I can shave your head too!

ELROND: Now, let's continue. What's the name of Legolas' father? [a buzz and a bang] Aragorn.

ARAGORN: Thranduil.

ELROND: Corre--

[A strange buzz noise interrupts him. Everyone pauses to listen. A series of odd buzzing sounds can be heard before it slowly dies out]

PIPPIN: [off everyone's looks] What? It wasn't mine, I swear!

ELROND: Let's just move along, shall we? Right. What was the name of Gandalf's horse?

[Aragorn bangs his buzzer. Nothing happens. Aragorn looks puzzled and bangs the buzzer again, but still nothing happens]

ARAGORN: [whiny] Elrond! My buzzer won't buzz!

FRODO: That's because you've broken it, stupid! Some healing hand you've got!

ARAGORN: Fix my buzzer! Fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it!

FRODO: Do I look like a mechanic? You fix it!

ARAGORN: Elrond! My buzzer's broken!

ELROND: Well then you're just gonna have to do without a buzzer. You did break it yourself, so it's your fault.

ARAGORN: But if my buzzer doesn't buzz, how will you know when I'm first to answer?

ELLADAN: He won't.

ARAGORN: But that means…

MERRY: That your royal behind is going to be kicked. Ha ha!

ARAGORN: [bangs buzzer with no result still] Why? Why me? [buzzer makes a strange, final noise]

GIMLI: Now it's really broken. You family seems to enjoy breaking things. Like swords and buzzers... 

ELROND: Okay. Moving on.

ARAGORN: But my buzzer!

ELROND: [ignoring Aragorn completely] So the question still reads, what's the name of Gandalfs horse? [buzzer] Pippin.

PIPPIN: Balrog!

[A scream comes from Legolas, who tries to hide in Gimli's beard]

GIMLI: There, there… You're getting my beard all clean!

ELROND: Pippin, no question is read twice, so stop screaming balrog!

LEGOLAS: Cut it out!

PIPPIN: [looking at Elrond] So it's not balrog?

LEGOLAS: [starts to cry] Stop it!

GIMLI: Can you please stop using the b-word?

ARAGORN: Psst! Elrohir! Fix my buzzer!

FRODO: Which one is Elrohir?

SAM: I'm hungry! I want a snack!

MERRY: I want my horn!

PIPPIN: I want to know what's wrong with the b-word! 

LEGOLAS: I want to be in a fellowship where people don't use the b-word!

GIMLI: I want Legolas to stop crying!

ARAGORN: I want to answer!

FRODO: I want to know who is Elladan and who is Elrohir!

ELROND: I want to quit!

GANDALF: I want an asprin!

BOROMIR: Cuuut iiiiiiit oooooout! [everybody looks at Boromir] What's the matter with you people? Sam, you just had a meal! Second breakfast or something else, doesn't matter, it was a meal and you should be full. Merry you know the rules, no horn! And frankly, we're all very happy about that one!

MERRY: Just because your horn is broken…

BOROMIR: Pippin, if you can't remember what happened with the b-word in Moria then you're stupider than I thought. Legolas calm down, there is no balrog here so pull yourself together and Gimli you help him withthat. And may I also suggest Legolas that you see a professional shrink about your balrog issues. Aragorn you broke it so you fix it! Frodo, does it matter who's who? I completly understand you Elrond, and Gandalf, what on Middel-Earth is an asprin?

GANDALF: [with his hand to his head] Something that takes away headache. Merlin reccomended it.

ELROND: [having calmed down] Where wer-- [buzzer] 

MERRY: Shadowfax.

ELROND: What?

ELLADAN: That's the answer to your question.

ELROND: Ahh! Okay. Were we still on that one? That gives Merry one point and now he has two points.

FRODO: Is the one on your lefthand side Elladan or Elrohir?

BOROMIR: Why even bother?

ELROND: It's Elladan, you inquisitive Hobbit.

ELROHIR: No it's not. It's me… 

ELLADAN: Maybe we should start wearing nametags.

ELROND: Moving right along. Which member of the fellowship does always carry an extra pipe? [buzzer] Gandalf.

GANDALF: Merry!

ELROND: No.

MERRY: I wish! Does anyone have some pipeweed by the way?

LEGOLAS: [hits his buzzer] It's Sam, isn't it?

ELROND: No it's not.

LEGOLAS: [to Aragorn] Don't you dare touch my buzzer!

ARAGORN: [whiny] But I know the answer…

GIMLI: [hits his buzzer] Pippin!

ELROND: Yes that's right. Very good Gimli.

PIPPIN: Always be prepared, that's my motto!

MERRY: Does that include carrying pipeweed with you?

PIPPIN: Sure thing!

[Pippin takes out two pipes filled with pipeweed and he and Merry start to smoke]

SAM: Are they allowed to do that?

ELROND: No! Put those away! [coughs twice]

FRODO: You wouldn't happen to have a third pipe with you?

ELROND: Can't you idiots read? [points to "No Smoking" sign] Put those pipes out, you're breaking yet another rule.

PIPPIN: Partypooper.

ELROND: That's Mr. Partypooper to you. Next question, whose name means fathiful jewel?

ARAGORN: [bangs his nonworking buzzer] I know!

ELROND: The rules read "If you're the first to buzz your buzzer you get to answer".

ARAGORN: Buzz!

GIMLI: You don't sound much like the real buzzer. This is how it sounds. [immitates the buzzer real well]

ELROND: Sorry Aragorn. Anyone who wants to try and answer?

ARAGORN: Me!

ELROND: Anyone besides Aragorn? You can get to answer when everyone who has a buzzer has tried. [buzzer] Sam. 

SAM: Uhh... Legolas?

ELROND: No it's wr-- 

LEGOLAS: [cutting him off] Help! Aragorn is trying to use my buzzer!

[Elrond turns and sees Legolas doing everything he can to keep Aragorns hands away from his buzzer]

ELROND: Aragorn, stop that!

SAM: [to Frodo] He will soon forbid him to do that.

ELROND: I forbid you to do that!

SAM: [looking proud] What did I tell you?

MERRY: [hits his buzzer] Boromir.

ELROND: Correct.

ARAGORN: It's not fair! I knew all along. [bangs his hand in his chair which breaks]

FRODO: Nice going Strider.

ARAGORN: Oh great. So now I have to stand? Pippin, surrender your chair to your king!

ELROND: Aragorn you will get a new chair… [Aragorn opens his mouth to speak] … but not a buzzer.

[Elrohir gives aragorn new chair]

ELROND: Next question, which non-Elf member of the fellowship has the eyes of a hawk and the ears of a fox? [buzzer] Frodo.

FRODO: Gimli.

ELROND: Incorrect. [buzzer] Gandalf.

GANDALF: Boromir.

ELROND: Incorrect. [buzzer] Sam.

SAM: Boromir… Wait a minute Gandalf just said that. Do I get another guess?

ARAGORN: No!

ELROND: Anyone else who thinks he knows? [buzzer] Boromir.

BOROMIR: Aragorn?

ELROND: No! [buzzer] Gimli.

GIMLI: Merry.

ELROND: No! [buzzer] Legolas, please think…

LEGOLAS: [getting confused] Gandalf?

ELROND: No… [buzzer] Merry.

MERRY: Boromir.

ARAGORN: For the third time no!

ELROND: [sighs] No… [buzzer] Pippin. 

ARAGORN: [to Pippin] As your king. I order you to answer wrong.

PIPPIN: [ignoring Aragorn] Gimli!

FRODO: I have already tried that.

SAM: Then who have we forgotten? [starts counting on fingers]

ELROND: [not that surprised] Aragorn you get to answer now.

ARAGORN: Yay! It's… it has to be… it should be… Damn! finally I get to answer and I do not know.

HALDIR: [from the audience] It's none of you since you didn't hear us coming in the forest!

ELROND: That's right. Now we--

MERRY: [interrupting] Does that mean that he will get a point?

ELROND: No he won't. And now it's time for a bonus question. If you answer correct you will get two points. It's not about someone in the fellowship directly since that would be unfair to that person since he is not allowed to answer the question.

ARAGORN: Fix my buzzer! I need those points!

ELROND: [still ignoring Aragorn]The qustion reads, what does it say on the One Ring? [buzzer] Pippin?

PIPPIN: Ash nazg durbatulûk, ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg thrakatulûk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul. Or in common speech, "One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them, one ring to bring them all and in darkness bind them". Which is just a part out of a longer verse; "Three rings for the Elven-kings under the sky, seven for the--"

ELROND: [interupting Pippin] Okay! You obviosly know the ring verse, what says on the Ring, how the whole verse goes including how it goes in Mordor. Which by the way I wish to kill you for having uttered here! The short verse would have been enough for you to get the points.

GANDALF: [looking surprised at Pippin] How do you know how to say the inscription in its original speech? I thought I was the only one in this fellowship how could do that.

PIPPIN: Tolkien dosn't know that in the books I also sneaked at the council of Elrond, only I did not make myself known like some others.

[Everyone gives Pippin strange looks, which Pippin completely ignores]

ELROND: Whatever, Pippin gets two points.

PIPPIN: Go Tooks!


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## Lillyaundra (Oct 23, 2002)

ELROND: Now back to the original questions. There were three Brothers in Arms. One had a bow, Legolas, and one had a sword, Aragorn… Who was the third? [buzzer] Boromir.

BOROMIR: Gimli. With the axe.

ELROND: That's right. You get another point. Let's continue. And no shoe throwing.

ALL: Huh?

ELROND: I saw Aragorn aiming with his shoe… Don't forget Estel, I have the eyes of a hawk and the ears of a fox.

ARAGORN: Sorry.

ELROND: Gandalf you don't happen to have one of those asprins on you?

GANDALF: No, I'm sorry. I've used them all. 

ELROND: Oh well, I just have to go witho-- 

MERRY: [cutting Elrond off, pointing acusingly at Gandalf] He is doped!

LEGOLAS: I don't think that those asprin qualifies as a doping substance. And besides, you smoked just a while ago.

MERRY: That's different!

GIMLI: In which way?

MERRY: I wasn't smoking pot!

ELROND: Stop it! Stop it! Let's just move along so we can finish this during this age? Next question… Why am I never going to see Arwen ever again after I sail off to the west? 

PIPPIN: [in shock] Is she mortally ill?

ELROND: No Pippin. Let me rephrase. Why does she decides to stay behind?

GIMLI: [hits buzzer] She gets seasick? [looks confused] Elrond I don't understand what this qustion has to do with the fellowship.

ELROND: Do I have to spell it out? Who is Arwen staying with in Middel-Earth?

SAM: Why can't she go with you? Don't you like your own daugther? And you call yourself a daddy!

ELROND: [getting frustrated] Who in the fellowship is Arwen married to? 

LEGOLAS: What's with all the follow-up questions?

ELROND: What's the matter with you people, did an orc eat your brains? It's the same question all the way!

PIPPIN: Why didn't you say so from the beginning? You sure make the questions complicated.

ELROND: Beacause then-- [buzzer] … it would-- [buzzer again] … be to easy. And this time Merry will not cut me off! 

MERRY: But I pushed the buzzer just like you told us to in the beginning!

ELROND: Oh sorry. Yes?

MERRY: Yes what?

ELROND: You wanted to answer…

MERRY: Yes. Aragorn!

ELROND: Correct and that gives you one more point, which gives you a total of four points. And by the way Aragorn, we have not forgiven you for taking Arwen away!

ARAGORN: Hey, what do you mean? I did everything you told me to! Here, look at my check-list! [takes out list] Reclaim throne of Gondor. Check. Claim throne of Anor. Check.

BOROMIR: You're always looking for an opportunity to brag, aren't you?

ARAGORN: Hey, just because I got the princess and the kingdom…

ELROND: Hey! Watch your mouth! This is not a fairy-tale, pal!

ARAGORN: Might as well be… And don't blame only me! Arwen has a will of her own. Well, more or less…

ELLADAN: What's that last part supposed to mean?

ARAGORN: Eh… Nothing?

PIPPIN: This should be interesting.

FRODO: Anyone got popcorn?

ARAGORN: I do. But hey! Whose side are you on?

ELROHIR: The more I think about it, the less sense it makes… If Arwen does have a free will… why forsake immortality for him? 

ARAGORN: Hey! Legolas, stop that laughing! Elladan, I'm warning you--

MERRY: [cutting him off] That was Elrohir.

ARAGORN: [pauses] Hey how did you know that?

MERRY: Read the nametags.

ELROND: I think we're getting sidetracked here… [under breath] Sure was a good thing Arwen followed Galadriel to the House of Healing. She would not have liked this!

ARAGORN: Elrond, how come those two orcs of yours can insult me, and you do nothing about it?

ELLADN/ELROHIR: Orcs?

ARAGORN: … Oops… Bad choice of words.

BOROMIR: If I were you, I'd run my friend.

ARAGORN: I'll be right back! [runs off screaming]

ELLADAN: Get him!

MERRY/PIPPIN: For the Shire!

[Elladan races after Aragorn. Elrohir turns to Merry and Pippin]

ELROHIR: Who are you attacking?

PIPPIN: No one. That's your job. He just called you an orc, remember, but he didn't do anything to us!

MERRY: We kinda' got caught up in the moment. Now go catch that orc-caller.

ELROHIR: [running after Aragorn] Die, mortal!

ELROND: Yikes… Estel, you sure need a lot of hope right now… Eh… [to the viewers] We'll return tomorrow. If anyone has survived. [runs after his sons] Come back here! You can't kill the king, that's bad for the ratings!

MERRY: And think about how upset Éowyn will be!

BOROMIR: Excuse me?

MERRY: Maybe I'll shut up now.

[The screen turns black]


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## HobbitGirl (Oct 23, 2002)

LOL!!! I almost fell out of my chair laughing! Keep 'em coming, Lilly!


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## Carantalath (Oct 24, 2002)

This is so funny! Keep writing them!


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## Lillyaundra (Oct 26, 2002)

ELROND: Welcome back folks… Due to some… violent actions last time… Elladan and Elrohir have been sent off to get rid of their aggressions by hunting orcs. And since there hardly are any orcs left, they'll be gone for a looooooong time. 

ARAGORN: Damn straight.

ELROND: Watch it!

ARAGORN: Sorry.

ELROND: The score is that Aragorn, in spite of a banged up buzzer, holds the lead with six points. Second are Merry and Gimli who have four each. Legolas, Pippin, Frodo and Gandalf all have three points and on two points we find Boromir and Sam. Okay ready for the next question, who in the fellowship was a ringbearer-- [buzzer] Other than Frodo, Pippin. 

PIPPIN: There where more rings in our fellowship? What happened to them? Did we destroy those too? [another buzzer is heard]

MERRY: Sam.

ELROND: Correct. 

BOROMIR: Waaaaiiit a minute. You mean Sam wore the One Ring? When?

FRODO: After you died, when he tought I was dead.

BOROMIR: Okay. [muttering] Some have all the luck. 

PIPPIN: There was only one ring in our fellowship then? 

ARAGORN: I also have a ring, The ring of Barahir. [waves proudly with it in the air]

GANDALF: Ha! At least my ring had powers, unlike yours. [reveals Narya] 

ARAGORN: Show-off!

GIMLI: What is that, Gandalf? 

GANDALF: One of the three elven rings. Narya, Ring of Fire. 

BOROMIR: Where are the others? Pawn shop?

ELROND: [revealing Vilya] This is Vilya, Ring of Air.

MERRY: That's one of the elven rings? [exhales in relief] I thought you just had it for fun. And that would have been very girly. [reciving angry looks from Elrond] Or not, whatever.

GIMLI: Where's the third?

GANDALF: The third ring is in the possession of lady Galadriel. The Ring of Water, Nenya.

SAM: Enya? 

FRODO: Enya? You mean like in Enya who sings? 

ELROND: It's Nnnnnenya. And who is Enya? 

PIPPIN: I thougt you knew that it was the name of the ring.

ELROND: Not Nenya, Enya!

[The Hobbits give Elrond strange looks]

MERRY: We'd better sing this…

HOBBITS: [singing] May it be an evening star, shines down upon you. May it be when darkness falls, your heart will be true…

GANDALF: What are they singing?

HOBBITS: [singing] You walk a lonely road, oh how far you are from home…

ELROND: Okay. Enough! That didn't help but thanks for the song… By the way, new rules, no singing allowed. Where were we? Ahh… yes the next question… Yet another non-fellowship question. How many were the nazgúl? 

PIPPIN: [throws himself at his buzzer] Five!

MERRY: Pip that was at Weathertop! 

PIPPIN: Your point being?

MERRY: How many were the nazgúl all toghter?

PIPPIN: Five?

SAM: How many members are there in this fellowship?

PIPPIN: [starts counting] Well, let's see… There's me… and you guys make four… and the humans make six… unless Gandalf counts as a human, that makes it seven… Eight, nine, ten … Ten!

FRODO: Is Elrond a part of this fellowship?

ELROND: No! [buzzer] Legolas.

LEGOLAS: Nine.

ELROND: Corre-- 

MERRY: [cutting Elrond off] Damn, I forgot to answer! 

ARAGORN Ha!

PIPPIN: But what does the number of members in our fellowship have to do with the nazies?

FRODO: Nazgúl!

PIPPIN: [rolling eyes] Sorry, Mr. I-don't-know-what-confiscated-means!

SAM: See Pippin, we were nine members of the fellowship so there would be one of us for each one of the nazgúl!

ARAGORN: Ha ha, Merry forgot to answer…

MERRY: Are you still on that?

PIPPIN: Well for your information, Mr. Homewrecker--

MERRY: [cutting him off, upset] Me?

PIPPIN: Aragorn! For your information, there are only eight nazgúl!

GIMLI: Does this little squeezetoy know something we don't?

PIPPIN: Have you all forgotten that Merry and Éowyn killed one? So they're only eight.

BOROMIR: Yeah, but technically, so are we. I'm dead, remember?

ELROND: Before this gets too complicated… Let's move on to another question!

BOROMIR: How many questions are left?

ELROND: Two. Thank goodness.

SAM: What do you suppose he means by that?

ELROND: Don't trouble your little mind with that, Sam. Next question. Which Hobbit does not reside in the Shire? [buzzer] Yes Gandalf?

GANDALF: Frodo!

FRODO: What? Gandalf, for crying out loud, you've been to my house numerous times, you know it's in the Shire!

GANDALF: You've sailed off to the West, you foolish Baggins! Thus, you no longer live in the Shire!

ARAGORN: And they allow him to answer, but not me?

ELROND: Frodo is not the right answer. Let me rephrase. Which Hobbit did not reside in the Shire prior to the War of the Ring? [buzzer] Yes Boromir?

BOROMIR: Sam!

ELROND: No! Sam was practically Frodo's next-door-neighbour!

BOROMIR: But… Okay, Frodo lived in the Shire, we know that much! And Pippin was the son of the guy who rules Great Smials, in the Shire.

PIPPIN: The Thain of the Great Smials.

BOROMIR: And Merry was the son of the Master of Buckland… in the Shire…

MERRY: Is it creeping anyone else out that he's talking about us in past tense?

ELROND: Well be that as it may Boromir, Sam is not the correct answer. [a yelp is heard from Aragorn] What the..?

ARAGORN: [whiny] Gimli smacked my hand!

GIMLI: You were trying to use my buzzer!

LEGOLAS: [hits buzzer] It was Merry!

MERRY: Hey, I didn't try to use anyone's buzzer! Unlike some people, I don't break mine!

LEGOLAS: I meant that it's you who lives outside the Shire.

ELROND: Enough, before you start fighting! Legolas, that's the right answer.

BOROMIR: [looking at huge map] But it makes no sense to me… Let's see now, Shire, Shire, Shire… Where is the Shire? Wait a minute, Orthanc? Ha ha Legolas, very funny! This is a map of Isengard!

LEGOLAS: You're so guillable.

BOROMIR: Would somebody get me a map of the Shire?

PIPPIN: Do we have to start looking through maps? Major yawn!

BOROMIR: I want to check this out!

PIPPIN: If Buckland is outside of the Shire, then why do you expect to find it on a map of the Shire?

BOROMIR: Would someone please just give me a map with the Shire and Buckland?

FRODO: Do you wish to see the one that includes Bree as well, or will you settle for--

BOROMIR: [cutting him off] Never mind! Forget it! Let me live my life in ignorence! I give up!

MERRY: If you're interested, I can tell you the complete history of Buckland!

SAM: And we know that he can…

MERRY: It all started when the Fallohide brothers Marco and Blanco crossed what we now called the Brandywine. Back then of course, it didn't have a name. The river got it's name when…



[Commercial Break]



MERRY: … and they decided to settle down there!

GIMLI: [bored beyond belief] Are you finished now?

PIPPIN: No. That's just the prelude.

FRODO: It goes on for about another millennia. About 1300 years, to be exact.

BOROMIR: Hasn't it already been a millennia during the telling of this tale?

MERRY: No. I only covered two years. Weren't you listening?

LEGOLAS: I want to die!

ELROND: Merry, shut up or I will give your horn back to Éowyn.

MERRY: What's with the let's-bully-Merry concept?

ELROND: Moving along! Final question! This could very well settle it! Please let this settle it!

MERRY: Like my ancestor Gormadoc used to say…

ARAGORN: Quiet, you annoying little cottontail!

MERRY: Was that a reference to my hairdo? Because you know, I get that from my great, great, great, great… [trails off] Why is everyone looking at me like that?

ELROND: Now. Final question. It reads--

[A massive roar of appriciation comes from the audience cuts Elrond off]

ELROND: Is there anyone who hasn't cut me off yet? Now… If one were to drink water from the Entwash, what would the effets be?

PIPPIN: I'm thirsty!

SAM: Why is Elrond talking about the Entwash? When are we gonna get that final question so we can go home?

PIPPIN: Speaking of, Elrond you wouldn't happen to have some Entwash lying around would you?

ELROND: Blasted Hobbits! The final question reads: "if one were to drink water from the Entwash, what would the effects be?"

SAM: Oh! Now I get it! [hits buzzer] He wouldn't be thirsty anymore!

ELROND: No, that's not correct.

PIPPIN: Is too! I've tried it myself and it does relieve thirst! Now, did you have any Entwash or..?

ELROND: Let me rephrase. Again. If one were to drink water from the Entwash, what would the effects be other than that of regular water?

GIMLI: Actually regular water doesn't relieve my thirst.

ELROND: I hate Dwarfs.

[Aragorn looks longingly at Gimli's buzzer]

GIMLI: Don't even think it!

[Aragorn turns to Legolas and slowly moves his hand closer to his buzzer]

LEGOLAS: I can hear that!

[Suddenly Aragorn drops to the floor]

GANDALF: What on Middle-Earth..?

ARAGORN: [only his voice is heard] Just ignore me!

ELROND: Oh I try to do that far more often than you know… Anyone else who wishes to answer?

BOROMIR: [hits buzzer] You get really clean?

PIPPIN: What kind of an idiotic answer is that? How does drinking something make you clean?

SAM: I really don't wanna know how you got bathed as a child, Boromir!

ARAGORN: [only his voiced heard] Wow Gandalf! I never knew you wore the grey under the white!

GANDALF: Get away from me!


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## Lillyaundra (Oct 26, 2002)

ARAGORN: [only voice heard] I'm really unappreciated around here…

ELROND: Boromir, your answer is incorrect.

PIPPIN: Not to mention idiotic. I'm thirsty! I want some Entwash!

FRODO: All right! All right! Which one of you perverted Hobbits is caressing my leg?

SAM: Not me, Mister Frodo!

ARAGORN: [only voice heard] Sorry! It was an accident.

PIPPIN: [looking under table] What are you doing down there?

ARAGORN: [only voice heard] Do not question thy king!

BOROMIR: Come to think of it, why did I answer that it makes you clean? I mean, Pippin and Merry didn't look too clean to me…

MERRY: I resent that, Mr. Anti-Loréal!

[Everyone else non-Elvish turn their attention to Legolas]

GIMLI: What does Loréal mean? It's Elvish, right?

LEGOLAS: It means "you're worth it".

FRODO: Oh! I know! [hits buzzer]

ARAGORN: [only voice heard] I miss the times I could hit my buzzer!

FRODO: Quiet! When you drink from the Entwash, you become energized!

GANDALF: That's almost as dumb as Boromir's guess. Don't you know the difference between an Elf-brew and an Ent-brew?

PIPPIN: Actually you do get energized by---

ELROND: [cutting Pippin off] Don't go there!

PIPPIN: [laughing] Stop tickling me, Aragorn!

ARAGORN: [only voice heard] Just checking which Hobbit it was!

PIPPIN: The ticklish one!

ELROND: Frodo's answer is not correct. What we're looking for here is something that is specific for water from the Entwash and cannot be found in any other beverage that we know--

[Elrond is cut off by Aragorn giving a war cry and leaping up to his feet, banging his hand on Merry's buzzer]

ARAGORN: [crying out] Eärendil!

MERRY: What in all of farmer Maggot's crop is the meaning of this?

ELROND: Aragorn! Have you completely lost your mind?

MERRY: Aragorn! Have you completely smashed my buzzer?

ARAGORN: I get to answer now!

ELROND: Says who?

ARAGORN: I buzzed a buzzer!

MERRY: But it wasn't yours! Have you people no respect for other people's property? That damn Elrohir still has my horn!

ELROND: The halfling is right. It was not your buzzer, Estel.

ARAGORN: Well Merry can't answer the question anyway since it concerns him, and therefore I get to answer!

SAM: So that was your wicked plot?

FRODO: I knew I should have kicked you when you crawled by!

ELROND: Aragorn nobody said neither Merry nor Pippin could answer the question. It concerns the Ents, and falls under the category Lord of the Rings Trivia!

SAM: What is this Lord of the Rings thing you keep going on about?

GIMLI: Bla bla bla, what happens now then?

ELROND: Well the question is Merry's.

ARAGORN: I could have aimed for Pippin's buzzer but noooooooooooooooo…

MERRY: Well that's easy then! I didn't know I could answer! The answer is that you grow taller! And if you're a Hobbit, your hair gets curlier!

SAM: [rolling eyes] Pippin and Merry don't shrink when you wash them, they grow!

PIPPIN: All this talk about Entwash… Does anybody have any?

MERRY: Not now, Pip! Well Elrond?

ELROND: Unfortunately, that is correct.

MERRY: Hey, what's that supposed to mean!

FRODO: I think Elrond is a racist. A racist against Hobbits!

SAM: Okay guys, on the count of three we attack him for the Shire!

BOROMIR: Now why would Merry attack him for the Shire if his stupid Buckland is outside the Shire?

ELROND: I am not a racist! And you will not--

MERRY: [cutting Elrond off yet again] Interesting point, Boromir… All this time I've been attacking stuff for the Shire, when I could have been doing it specifically for Buckland!

ELROND: I want an end to this eternal misery! Could we please just finish this?

MERRY: Sorry.

ELROND: What I meant when I said "unfortunately", is that we now have a tie. Aragorn and Merry each have six points.

FRODO: How come you said Strider's name first? You are a racist, just admit it!

PIPPIN: Maybe he's one of those nazi-nazgúl! By the way, where's that Entwash?

BOROMIR: [mocking Pippin, in Scottish accent] Hullo, my name is Pippin, and I'm an Entwash-o-holic.

ELROND: Somebody just shoot me dead right here, right now! [long sigh] Okay. To settle this, there will be one final round. Just Merry and Aragorn.

ARAGORN: Will I get a new buzzer this time?

ELROND: You won't need a buzzer. Besides, we can't afford to let you near any more buzzers since you've already broken two!

ARAGORN: Merry's is not broken!

[Everyone's attention turns to Merry's buzzer that has started playing "Macarena"]

MERRY: It doesn't sound too good to me…

ARAGORN: Okay so maybe I scatched it a little…

ELROND: This gameshow has gotten out of hand completely…

[Elrond hopelessly watches the fellowship minus Aragorn, Merry and Gandalf doing the Macarena]

ARAGORN: It's not broken, I tell you! It's an improvement!

PIPPIN/FRODO/SAM/BOROMIR/LEGOLAS/GIMLI: Heeeey, Macarena! [does a twist hop]



[Commercial Break]



ELROND: Welcome back. We are now at the final round of this contest, where it will once and for all be settled who knows whom the best in the Fellowship of the Ring. Meriadoc Brandybuck or Aragorn son of Arathon. Satisfied now, Frodo?

FRODO: Yeah.

ELROND: First, while we make the final preparations, let's have a look at how our two finalists have trained since yesterday… And would someone for the love of god make Merry's damn buzzer quiet down?

ARAGORN: I'll handle that! [bangs buzzer with all of his might] There! Aragorn conquers yet another enemy!

[The buzzer has a minor explosion and the top flies up and smacks Aragorn on the forehead. Aragorn cries out in pain]

ARAGORN: Spoke too soon…

MERRY: Let this be a lesson. Never destroy the possession of a Brandybuck!

ELROND: You never actually owned the buzzer, Merry.

SAM: What do you mean? We don't get to take the buzzers home with us?

[Elrond gives Sam an annoyed look. We see that Sam is holding his buzzer in his hand, Frodo has placed his next to Sting and Pippin's trying his best to hide his dismantled buzzer behind his back]

GANDALF: Hobbits really are amazing creatures, as I have said before. You can learn all that there is to know about their ways in a month, and yet after a hundred years they can still surprise you.

ELROND: Just roll the damn film of Merry and Aragorn training!

[We cut to a series of clips showing the two finalists getting ready for the big finally. They haven't been told what the finally will be about, so it is of importance to train in many departments. We see the following…

* Aragorn is lifting weights. Or more correctly, lifting Gimli. Legolas stands beside him, watching.
LEGOLAS: This is rediculous.
ARAGORN: Fifty-one, fifty-two, fifty-three…

* Merry is eating dinner with the other Hobbits.
SAM: This is rediculous.
PIPPIN: [counting mushrooms as Merry eats them] Fifity-one, fifty-two, fifty-three…

* Aragorn is reading through a huge Middle-Earth Encyclopedia which he has borrowed from Legolas.
ARAGORN: [reading] Balin: Dwarf who set out with Bilbo the Hobbit, bla bla bla bla bla… Next. Balr--
GIMLI: Do not go there!

* Merry, Pippin, Frodo and Sam are looking through some road guides.
MERRY: [reading] Bree. Inn: The Prancing Pony. Both Hobbits and humans visit this inn, which has a very lovely sitting room and serves some of the best beer around.
PIPPIN: Well we all know that. After Frodo got himself drunk and danced on the table, singing that song--
FRODO: Do not go there!


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## Lillyaundra (Oct 26, 2002)

* Aragorn is trying to learn family trees.
ARAGORN: … And Ferumbras II fathered Fortinbras I, who fathered Gerontius, aka the Old Took. He married Adamanta Chubb and they had twelve stupid kids, out of which the fourth one was Hildigrim who married Rosa Baggins. They had Adalgrim, who… [long sigh] I can't take more of this!
GIMLI: Why are you even learning this?
ARAGORN: Because Merry probably knows this by heart and I don't, thus I need to learn it!

* Merry is trying to teach Pippin about herbals.
PIPPIN: … And kingsfoil is also known as athelas, and it can help bring people like you Merry back from the black shadow… [long sigh] I can't take more of this!
SAM: Why is he even learning this?
MERRY: Because I know it by heart and he doesn't, thus he needs to learn it!

* Aragorn is learning about Ents from Quickbeam. We just see Quickbeam at first.
QUICKBEAM: Boom, boom I'll linger here, rumbom beneath the sun, boorar because my land is best, boom, boom when winter comes, dahrar the winder wild that hill and wood shall slay, boom, boom when trees shall fall, dahrar and starless night devour, boom.
The camera zooms out to reveal an Aragorn fast asleep and snooring.

* Gandalf is sitting by Merry's bedside, telling him a story.
GANDALF: In Dwimordene, in Lórien, seldome have walked the feet of men. Few mortal eyes have seen the light, that lies there ever long and bright. Galadriel, Galadriel.
The camera zooms out to reveal a Merry fast asleep next to Frodo who's got a teddybear.

* Aragorn is out jogging in the early morning.
ARAGORN: Just five more kilometers… 

* Merry is eating breakfast in the early morning, together with the other Hobbits.
MERRY: Just five more pancaces…

* Aragorn is practicing swordfighting with Boromir.
BOROMIR: Told you I could beat you at this!
ARAGORN: You wish! Best out of five!

* Merry is having second breakfast together with the other Hobbits. He has just finished an apple-eating contest with Sam.
SAM: Told you I could beat you at this!
MERRY: You wish! Best out of five!

* We see a close-up of Aragorn's mouth, white smoke coming out of his mouth when he breathes. We zoom out to reveal Aragorn skiing up the mountain Caradhras. Legolas is skipping next to him.
LEGOLAS: Someday I'm going to teach you how to walk ontop of the snow!

* We see a close-up of Merry's mouth, white smoke coming out of his mouth when he breathes. We zoom out to reveal Merry lying on his back, smoking away together with Pippin, Frodo, Sam and Bilbo.
BILBO: Someday I'm going to teach you how to make reall big smoke rings!

… End of training sequence]

ELROND: Now let's get started. And may I add that we might have gotten this show on the road a lot sooner, had it not been for the fact that Aragorn decided to take a little trip to Caradhras!

LEGOLAS: He made me go with him!

ARAGORN: Liar!

ELROND: In the audience we have the rest of the fellowship at the honorary seats. Let's see what their opinions are.

PIPPIN: [only voice heard] I can't see a thing! How come Gandalf gets to sit on the first row when I get to sit on the third?

LEGOLAS: Why aren't you sitting on the second with us?

PIPPIN: Uh… I don't know! But I want to sit in the front!

ELROND: Promise you won't whine if you get to switch seats with Gandalf?

PIPPIN: Cross my little Hobbit heart!

GANDALF: But I will complain! I don't want to sit way back on third rowe!

LEGOLAS: Just move back here to second, will you!

[Pippin hops up to where Gandalf was sitting and Gandalf sits behind him]

ELROND: Now. I'm going to ask you one question each, and when I've done that there will be no talking!

SAM: Not even if we have to go pee?

ELROND: Go now if you have to! [Sam runs off to the bathroom] Now then. Boromir, who do you think will win this?

BOROMIR: Aragorn. Humans will prevail!

FRODO: Oh good. Another racist.

BOROMIR: I didn't mean it like that!

ELROND: Now then… Frodo. Who do you think will win this?

FRODO: My dear cousin Merry. After all, Hobbits will prevail! [evil glare at Boromir]

BOROMIR: This ain't a contest on taking jewelry to Mordor!

FRODO: Whatever.

ELROND: Gimli, who do you see as the winner?

GIMLI: Aragorn, of course. My brother in arm! He has conquered so many enemies, and he has--

ELROND: I didn't ask for his life story! Legolas, what do you think?

LEGOLAS: Aragorn's been brought up in Rivendell, by Elves… No offence to the halfling, but he doesn't stand much of a chance.


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## Lillyaundra (Oct 26, 2002)

FRODO: A--

ELROND: [cutting him off] Don't you dare make another racist comment! Pippin, who do you think will win?

PIPPIN: Merry! Naturally! And look, I can see so much better from here in the front!

ELROND: Good for you…

PIPPIN: Plus, Merry's been training hard all day and all night! He's bound to win!

ELROND: Gandalf?

GANDALF: I believe Aragorn will be the winning one. He is the king of Gondor, and he has won many a battle. Besides, I know Meriadoc a little too well, even though he has come a long way he still has Took in him and that might bring him down.

PIPPIN: Is that a bad comment about Tooks? Watch it old man, or I'll throw rocks at you!

ELROND: None of that, Peregrin! Now then… Sam? Has Sam returned yet?

SAM: [coming running] Here I am! What's the question?

ELROND: Who do you see as the winner of our contest?

SAM: Mister Frodo.

ELROND: He's not in the final.

SAM: I still believe he can win!

FRODO: Uh, Sam…

SAM: Well then it's a given. Strider will win this for sure.

FRODO/PIPPIN: [gasping] You traitor!

BOROMIR: That was pretty low, Sam!

SAM: Fine, fine, I think Mr. Merry will win. [crosses arms, sulking]

ELROND: Now then. No more bathroom breaks and no more talking! Let the finals begin!

[The audience cheers. The Hobbits wave "Go Merry" and "For the Shire" flags. Pippin has one "For the Shire… uh, I mean Buckland" flag as well]

SAM: Should we bring out the pompoms?

FRODO: No. That would just make us look silly!

ELROND: Now then. Silence everybody! Or I will forbid the audience to be present! Now… The rules are as follows. We will bring out two boards, one for each contestant. On the boards the names of the members of the Fellowship of the Ring are written. Your object is to match the correct female name, you'll be given nine by the way, with the correct spouse. As not all of the members get married, some spots will be left blank. Have you understood?

ARAGORN: Ready!

MERRY: I'm more ready than Rock Head over there!

ARAGORN: Will you stop that?

MERRY: Oooooo… touched a nerve!

ARAGORN: Oooooo… might break a Hobbit's bone.

MERRY: I'll be good, I swear!

ELROND: Bring out the boards!

[Elladan and Elrohir, who have now returned, enter with a board each. On the boards the names of the fellowship members are written, just as Elrond said]

MERRY: Actually Merry isn't spelled with three Rs.

ELLADAN: Oh goody… [erases one of the Rs]

ELROND: As you can see, there's a basket along with each board, and these baskets have nine plates with female names on them. Those names are; Estella, Peony, Galadriel, Arwen, Diamond, Rose, Daisy, Éowyn and Mirabella. Now it's your task to match the correct name with the correct husband. Go!

[Merry and Aragorn get to work. We see various clips of them matching names, Hobbits waving flags and audience cheering]

ELROND: Time is now… up! Finally, this will all be over soon!

AUDIENCE: Yaaaaaaaaaay!

ELROND: Now. Let's have a look here…

[He goes over to the two boards and has a look. Merry's reads;

FRODO -
SAM - ROSE
MERRY - ESTELLA
PIPPIN - DIAMOND
ARAGORN - ARWEN
BOROMIR -
LEGOLAS - PEONY
GIMLI -
GANDALF - ]

ELROND: You matched all who get married with the correct wife. Only Legolas never gets married. What we know of, at least.

MERRY: Oh darn it all to heck!

LEGOLAS: Let this be a lesson to you all! Looks don't matter!

GIMLI: So you're saying you have such a bad personality that no girl likes you?

LEGOLAS: Uh…

ELROND: Now then. Merry has one incorrect answer.

[Aragorn's board reads:

FRODO - MIRABELLA
SAM - ROSE
MERRY - ESTELLA
PIPPIN - DIAMOND
ARAGORN - ÉOWYN
BOROMIR -
LEGOLAS -
GIMLI -
GANDALF -]

ELROND: Okay, fist off, Frodo never gets married.

FRODO: No I don't! Who-ho, bachelorhood rocks! [to Aragorn] I never get married, loser! No wait… I'm the loser! Why doesn't anyone want me?

PIPPIN: To be honest I think it's that nine fingers thing. Chicks don't dig that.

FRODO: No fair!

SAM: I like it, Mr. Frodo! Wait, that came out wrong…

ELROND: [continuing to look through Aragorn's board] Sam and Rosie, Merry and Estella, Pippin and Diamond, Aragorn and Arwen… No wait a minute! Aragorn and Éowyn? Aragorn you rock head!

ARAGORN: Éowyn? [looks at his board] Oh no! I must have gotten the wrong one!

ELLADAN: Now can we kill him, father?

ELROHIR: Please daddy, please!

ELROND: I think Arwen will take care of that. Aragorn, you no good, brainless, idiotic--

MERRY: [cutting Elrond off] Yay! I win! Don't I? I win, I win, I win, I win! Victory for Buckland!

ARAGORN: This is not right! I know who I'm married to!

MERRY: No, but I do, which means I won the game! Yay!

ARAGORN: Argh! [kicks board. It breaks]

ELROND: Do not touch anything else! Including Arwen!

ARAGORN: I hate this stupid game!

MERRY: So Rocky, who's the magnificent still? Okay people, it is hornblowing time!

ELROND: Oh please no!

MERRY: Elrohir! My horn please!

ELLADAN: I'm Elladan.

MERRY: And you don't have my horn? Where's my horn? Did you two lose my horn?

GIMLI: Have they checked their third pocket from the left? Do not trust Elves with your personal belongings, young Hobbit!

MERRY: I want my horn and I want it now!

FRODO: Okay guys. Let's do it! You know the routine, we practiced it in Moria!

FRODO/SAM/PIPPIN: [leaping from their seats] For the Shire!

MERRY: And Buckland!

ELROHIR: No! Wait! Calm down! Please don't hurt me! I'm fragile! Here, take your stupid horn, just let me leave this place of insanity!

MERRY: [grabs horn back] And Buckland has prevailed! [blows his horn]

ELROND: Finally. It is all over. And-- [Merry's horn cuts him off] I am not finished, Meriadoc!

MERRY: I can interrupt you if I want to, because I am the winner and this game is over!

ELROND: Look over at that camera, Merry. [they look into the camera] See that red light? As long as it's shining, the show is still going on and I call the shots!

MERRY: Yeah whatever. [blows horn]

ELROND: Read the damn rules! [points to long lists of rules up on the wall] Pippin!

PIPPIN: [looks up from tearing them down] What?

ELROND: Stop that this instant! It is forbidden to tear down the rules!

SAM: [reading a list] Nope… It doesn't say anything about that over here. However, it does say that it is forbidden dance the Macarena. When did we add that rule?

ELROND: [to viewers] Well then. As you can see, insanity has taken over. Meriadoc Brandybuck is the winner, which I would never have imagined even in my wildest dreams… Tune in tomorrow, as we play "Who Knows Whom the Best" with the gang from Harry Potter. [breaks into hysterical laughter] Yeah… Like that would happen in this Elvish lifetime! Oh I crack myself up… Bye now, all viewers!

MERRY: I am Master of this Hall! [blows horn]



THE END


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## LadyGaladriel (Oct 26, 2002)

Bravo Bravo!!
very good!!!!!!!!!!!!






> ARAGORN: A war I will start so I can send Pippin there if he disobeys me. Arrest Merry, now! We can fight Bree! That Barliman Butterbur has always had a horn in the side for me. Pippin, arrest Merry!




Lol, this is priceless


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## Lillyaundra (Oct 26, 2002)

glad ya like

I'll be haaving the two towers as son as I see the movie


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## ltas (Oct 26, 2002)

*sulking* I can't believe it's already over!! 

Yay for the next season!!!


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## FREEDOM! (Oct 26, 2002)

That was AWESOME!!!!!!! I can't wait till next season!!!!!!!


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## Anamatar IV (Oct 26, 2002)

*pathetic excuse of a tryfor holding in laughter* MORE!! I must have more!! Ive always wodnered what the fellowship would be like when theyre always fighting. "THE SHIRE! and buckland"


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## HobbitGirl (Oct 27, 2002)

YAY LILLY!!!! BRAVO!!!! <wild cheering from audience>

<Merry blows his horn, and Boromir steals it and cuts it in half>


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## Kellivara (Oct 27, 2002)

YAY FOR LILLY!! GO LILLY!


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## legoman (Oct 28, 2002)

that was utterly utterly BRILLIANT!!!
There must be a sequel, we demand more.
If there is not more I will personally get the mods to force more out of you.

that is easily the funniest thing I've read in a long time, and people keep looking at me when I laugh out loud, I hate libraries.


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## Wonko The Sane (Oct 28, 2002)

That was the funniest thing I've read since The Lord of the Rings diaries!!
I could NEVER come up with something like that!! You're BRILLIANT!!!

I read the whole thing through and I was laughing so hard that these guys got up to see what I was looking at...they thought I was watchinga show or something on the internet they didn't realize that I was reading some "lame" (In their opinions) message boards...
The guy was like, "THAT'S what you've been cracking up over for the last 40 minutes?!" I was like, "I'd tell you to read it but you probably wouldn't find it NEARLY as funny! 

Is it ok if I copy and paste all that to my website, Lilly? I'll give you FULL Credit!! I just want my friends who aren't on the forum to be able to read it too!!


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## captin_obvious (Oct 28, 2002)

YAY LILLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  DOO WE REALLY HAVE TO WAIT UNTILL NEXT SEASON? NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11  WOW....THIS IS MY FIRST POST! HURRAY FOR MEEEEEEEEEE!


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## Lillyaundra (Oct 28, 2002)

*bows* thankyou thank you

I am just about finnished with another episode and will get it up as soon as possible..it won't be quite as refined as my others but it should still be good....don't mind any punctation or spelling errors...I found a few int he above but amtoo lazy to fix them 

anyway go ahead and copy I feel honored that you wish too.


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## Wonko The Sane (Oct 28, 2002)

yay! Thank you!!!


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## Lillyaundra (Oct 30, 2002)

it is my pleasure!


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## legoman (Oct 31, 2002)

au contraire,
it is our pleasure.


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## Wonko The Sane (Oct 31, 2002)

It certainly is!!! My brothers will get a kick out of these!
He'll be quoting them for months.

*suddenly feels lightheaded*
I gave blood today!


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## Lillyaundra (Nov 1, 2002)

good for you!! i am too young for it


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## Wonko The Sane (Nov 1, 2002)

How old? I think you can still give with your parents permission if you're over 16.

*grins* I have a huge bruise on my arm! I'm so proud!

Lilly, are you planning on writing anymore of those funny things? Or are you really going to wait until TT comes out?!


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## Lillyaundra (Nov 1, 2002)

yes but I am only 15*sighs*

ohI am in the middle of a new episode
just have to proof read!!!!!!!!!1AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I hate that part)


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## Wonko The Sane (Nov 1, 2002)

Yay! I'm so excited!! *cannot wait*


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## HobbitGirl (Dec 8, 2002)

Um...hey Lilly...is that new episode done yet?...cause I, for one, could really do with a little more of your comic genious.


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## Wonko The Sane (Dec 9, 2002)

I could as well...and by comic genius we mean you're BLOOMIN' BRILLIANT!


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## Lillyaundra (Dec 22, 2002)

hehe sorry it took so long for me to get out my new episode:$ been awfully busy with school and b-days and swimming and AHHHHHHHHHHHHH but!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!!!!!!

My present to all you you comic loving tolkienists is that I have finished a nother section It will be posted by 10:35 tonight


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## Wonko The Sane (Jan 7, 2003)

Happy Birthday, Lil!!! 

Yay!

And Um...confused me wants to know if you've posted new stuff yet.


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## Legolas_lover12 (Jan 11, 2003)

LOL. that was hilarious. post more soon.


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## ltas (Jan 11, 2003)

Please do.

Oh and I'm sorry for not congratulating you on the right day, I tried to PM my best wishes to you few days later, but was utterly unable to spell your name right and had somehow lost this thread too .

A big hug to you, Lilly .


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## Wonko The Sane (Feb 18, 2003)

Have you posted new ones yet?!

YES OR NO!

I'm SOOO CONFUSED!!!


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## legoman (Feb 20, 2003)

In think it must be posted in a mgic place where we cannot read it.


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## Wonko The Sane (Feb 20, 2003)

So new additions HAVE been posted or not?


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## legoman (Feb 21, 2003)

Don't look at me, I just work here.

hehe, I'm working in a pub tomorrow, hahahahaha, I've never had a job before, well other than babysitting and a paper round. hehehe, working...


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## Wonko The Sane (Feb 22, 2003)

How old are you?
And you've never had a job?
I've been working since I was 16.

And that's not all that early even.


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## legoman (Feb 23, 2003)

I will be 20 on April 6th, hehe, 
I don't need or want a job, I didn't actually work on saturday, so I still never have, yey me!!!

Most of my friends had jobs, even my little sister had a job before me!! haha, but why do I need a job, I've never been out of money (I'm not daft and I don't spend it all on silly clothes) hehe.
Happy and Job-less! 

well until september...


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## Wonko The Sane (Feb 23, 2003)

What's in September?


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## legoman (Feb 24, 2003)

In september I start my year out at the BBC, which will include working for them in Cardiff - I'm sure I mentioned that somewhere already.

Oh no, i hope they have computers i can get on. oh dear oh dear.


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## HobbitGirl (Mar 2, 2003)

I spoke with Lilly recently. I know that she has at least part of the next episode written, but she is waaaay busy, and she hasn't had the time to post yet.


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## Wonko The Sane (Mar 6, 2003)

I'm pretty sure they have computers in Wales, Legsieman.


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## legoman (Mar 9, 2003)

yeah, but will they let me on them??


I wouldn't!


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## Lillyaundra (Apr 7, 2003)

to my fans, I am sooo sory about the delay, I got tied up with school and swimming, my team got 3rdin state YAY!!! anyway, the next show should be comming by the end o'this week, but please be patient, I have AP tests comming in 2 weeks, and well life is a wee bit hectic:S


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## Lillyaundra (Apr 7, 2003)

[Eowyn walks in]

Audience: GASP!!

Eowyn: due to factors beyond my control, I have been asked to be the NEW and IMPROVED host of ¡§Who knows whom the best¡¨ The people in charge of the show have decieded

[is interrupted by Elrond]

Elrond: HAHAHAHA!!! They think a girl can do a better job then me? HAHAHA!!!! 
Eowyn: I am not a girl!
Elrond: you are compared to me! I have hundreds o¡¦ years on you!
Eowyn:well that just makes you OLD!
Elrond: OH ya? Well now I get to be part o¡¦ the audience so . 

[Elrond smirks and sits down]

[Eowyn being quite shocked to see an elfs toung is momentarily speechless so the fellowship walks in]

Audience: cheers

Eowyn: now that we have all of the chioldish behavior out of the way, let me tell you the New rules:

1. Aragorn gets almost everything he wants, sorry sweety but they laid some restrictions on me.
2. There will be no using blunt, sharp, pointy, flat, heavy, light, ect. Objects to hinder or hurt any of the people in this hall. 
3. NO WEAPONS. I want all and every weapon that you carry to be put into security now or the show won¡¦t go on.

[Eowyn waits]
[Gandalf puts on his most sincere old face]
Gandalf: you wouldn¡¦t deprive and old man of his walking stick, would you?
Eowyn: OH yes I would, I saw what you did with it to Girmer remember?
Gandalf: and what is that supposed to mean?
Eowyn: it means lose the stick old man!
Gandalf: you are discriminating me over everyone!!
Eowyn: am not! 
Gandalf: are too!
Eowyn: do you want to be thrown out? I can do it ya know! I am a princess!! LOOK AT WHAT YOU MADE ME DO! I USED IMPROPER GRAMMER!! Take 5 points from Gandalf for that! Humph.
[Gandalf grumbles but gives up his staff]
Eowyn: thank you. Merry pippin, all of your swords, knives, horns, armor. Frodo, sting and your mithrial coat. Sam: all of your cooking pots, swords, and skillets too.
Hobbits: grumble but give the items up.

[pippin trys to be sneaky and walks over to Merry]

Pippin: hehe she never said anything about my steal toe coveringsƒº
Merry: so that¡¦s why it hurts so much when you kick.
Pippin:yupƒº
Eowyn: and your steal toe coverings Pippin.

[Pippin looks totally defeated and hobbles over to the table to add i\his toe coverings to the pile.] 

Eowyn:thank you Pip.

[Legolas hand over the arrows and bow and knives and everything else. Boromir hands his weapons over and his horn, though not very willingly.]

Eowyn: Aragorn, you can keep your stuff if you want. *she looks at him with a sickeningly sweet smile and bats her eyes*

[Aragorn considers a moment]

Aragorn: I would love to but it is all this peer pressure stuff, I mean yeash, whats a man to do?

[Aragorn walks over to the table and adds his attachments to the pile]

Eowyn: now that we have that all over with, Shall we begin?
Audience: YES!!!!!
Elrond: snort
Eowyn: here is our very first question: Who was.

[is stopped in mid sentence by Boromir]

Boromir: I forgot the rules!!
Eowyn: yesh what is the world coming to? All right hit the buzzer when I finish the question if you hit the buzzer before you the question is complete you are disqualified. No answering any questioins about yourself. Better?
Boromir: umm could you repete that please?
Eowyn: NO!

[Eowyn straightens her hair and continues]

Eowyn: as I was saying, Who was raised in Rivendell?
[looks expectantly at Aragorn who looks furious]

Pippin: BUZZER!!!!!!!!!!!
Eowyn: yes pippin?
Pippin: Boromir?
Eowyn: sorry incorrect.

[pippin sighs]

Pippin: it was worth a shot.
Merry:BUZZER!!!
Eowyn: yes Merry?
Merry: Gimli?
Gimli: How dare you even think that I was raised there!! What do I look like? And ELF!??!?!?
Merry: well how am I supposed to know?
Eowyn: now now lets settle down.
Gimli: If I hadn¡¦t of given my ax away, then I would cleave your skull.
Legolas: Hey are not all elfs are bad.
Gimli: I don¡¦t mean you.
Legolas: oh so you are saying that I am not an elf? Look at these ears this fine long hair, you wouldn¡¦t be caught dead in it!
Gimli: of coarse not! It quite frankly looks rediculus.
Legolas: oh ya? Well when is the last time you looked in a mirror?
Gimli: when you shattered it because it said you were getting grays!
Legolas: but that was an enchanted mirror to say good things about me. *bursts into tears* it hurt my feel goods.
Eowyn: Shut up all of you!
Audience: fight fight fight!!!
[no one hears her over the noise]

Eowyn:COMERCIAL BREAK!!


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## Lillyaundra (Apr 7, 2003)

Are you always tired? Do you think you need a break? well the MOUNT DOOM lava resort is the place for you.

for more information send a carrier to the nearest orc in your town.


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## Lillyaundra (Apr 7, 2003)

Eowyn: Hello and welcome back to Who knows whom the best.

[Boromir who has had a very painfull look on his face for a long time looks up unexpectedly]

Boromir: BUZZER BUZZER BUZZER
Eowyn: yes boromir? *she says with a sigh*
Boromir: I have been thinking..
Audience: GASP!
Boromir: hey be nice!
Audience: snickers.
Boromir: Anyway I have been thinking and I think the answer is Aragorn!
Eowyn : Correct!

[Boromir does a dance, which is very painful to see]

Eowyn: second question: Who is the son of Denethor the second?
Merry: BUZZER!!
Eowyn: yes Merry?
Merry: ARAGORN!!
Aragorn: NOOOOO you silly little kaniving hobbit! Don’t you remember my introduction? “ I am Aragorn son of Arathorn, if by life or death I can save you I will.

[Aragorn runs over and bops merry]

Merry: well how was I supposed to know? I was out being attacked by black riders while you were cowering by the fire in the inn.
Aragorn: HOW DARE YOU!
Eowyn: NEXT QUESTION! Who is the…

[Eowyn is interrupted by Boromir]

Boromir: hey! Not fair you never finished the second question!
Eowyn: oh really? Well then Mr. Smart Guy, What is the answer?
Boromir: I can’t answer!
Eowyn: Why?
Boromir: because I am the answer
Gandalf/Aragorn/hobbits/Gimli/Legolas: BUZZER!!!

[after a bewildered look at the contestants, eowyn calls on Aragorn]

Eowyn: yes Aragorn my sweet and handsome saveior?
Aragorn: Boromir!! *Smiles triumphantly*
Gimli: why does he get special treatment? 
Eowyn: because I love him and I am the host!
All contestants: grumble

Eowyn: well lets take a look at the scores shall we?
Gandalf:-5
Merry:0
Pippin:0
Frodo:0
Sam:0
Gimli:0
Legolas: 0
Boromir: 1
Aragorn: 1
And next question:Who is the leader of the biggest part of the fellowship when Gandalf “dies” and they split apart at helms reach?
Merry: could you repete the question please?
Eowyn: NO!
Merry: well that’s not fair! If Aragorn asked the you would.
Eowyn: well that is because the rules are different for him. I quote “Aragorn gets almost anything he wants.”
Merry: well I don’t like that rule
Aragorn: well I do. Infact I love it

[Aragorn grins]

Merry: well I think that you are discriminating against hobbits andd dwarfs because we are short. And and and
Gandalf: SIIIIILLLLLEEENNNNNNNCCEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Snickers I love doing that.
Eowyn: thank you Gandalf. You can have a point back for that.

[Gandalf grins even more]

Eowyn: Now Aragorn gets what he wan’ts I can’t repete the question, and there is no way in the Dark forest that I am dicriminateing short people!
Merry: Fine you’re just favoring

[Eowyn looks fit to be tied then pauses]

Eowyn you know something? Your right! I am and I admit it, so what are you going to do about it?
Merry: blab la bla hurumph.

Eowyn: Next question: How many staffs does Gandalf have?
Ganalf: can I answer that?
Eowyn: no
Gandalf: crap
Merry: 3?
Pippin: BUZZER!!!!
Eowyn: Pippin?
Pippin 3?
Merry: I said it first!
Pippin: but YOU didn’t sound the buzzer!
Merry: that shouldn’t count!

[Pippin walks up to Merry and kicks him hard and then squeals in pain]

Pippin: MY TOES OOUCCCHHH how could you! You are soooo mean!
Merry: MY SHIN!! OUCHHHHHH I’m mean you are the one who kicked me!
Pippin: so? What does that have to do with anything?
Eowyn: now now settle down.
RIIIING!!!

Eowyn: Ops looks like we are out of time folks, we will see you next time on Who knows who the best.

[everyone runs for their weapons and start to fight]

Eowyn: if there is anything left of us! ARAGORN SAVE ME!


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## Wonko The Sane (Sep 6, 2003)

I knew it was up, it's just taken me this long to finally read it!

 Brilliant work Lilly!


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