# new story!



## numen (Mar 21, 2004)

I wrote this for my class and got a 1st for it. What do you think?



Charlie Hadley
10142667
Short story- ‘The Sun’s Blessing’

Upon the shores of Sanieth-Niepath, two races of people lived under the giving sun in peace and harmony. They worked together to provide food, equipment, housing and good council to all that lived there. Their hearts were simple and pure. The two races were named the Pagigaian and the Billaomin. Physically they were very different for the Pagigarian were tall with dark olive skin, while the Billaomin were shorter and darker in skin and hair. But, the differences mattered not to them, they worked as one.
The warm and colourful days of autumn were upon them, when a stranger from the west sailed out of the mists of the deep ocean and landed on Sanieth-Niepath’s pure shores, where women were tending the fishing nets. The stranger was tall and fair, with flowing locks of gold and robes of silk ruined by the sea.
A great fear spread among the two races at his coming, the women hid with children while men stared at him from a long distance. But the two kings of the two races of Sanieth-Niepath came from their houses of stone to greet the stranger, where he stood, alone on the tiding of the shore.
The king Racomia of the Pagigarian people and the king Caroliden of the Billaomin, welcomed the fair stranger and bid him to their house to hear of his travels which brought him to the fair Sanieth-Niepath. They replaced his ruined robes, fed him richly and in return he sat at the feet of Kings and told of his coming. He spoke only to them.
All was well in the kingdom, the two races forgot the fear which the fair stranger had brought to celebrate the best harvest in many years. The kings praised the strangers good fortunes and proclaimed him a sun god, regardless of the work and co-operation of the two races. The people of Saneith-Niepath resented this, for it was their tender hands which had brought the land into bloom.
Many months later, after the harshness of winter and the coming of the spring, the stranger, known only to the people as “Sun God” at last announced his leave from the pleasant land and kissing the kings feet, at which he had sat for so long, he set back in the vessel he arrived in.
Secretly the villagers celebrated his departure as they believed the kings had been deceived by the strangers words of other worlds and creatures. They began to become lazy as food was plentiful and good. 
“We will finish the fields soon” they said “after all there is plenty of fish”
Over next two harvests, the two races of Sanieth-Niepath despaired, for all their crops had failed, but they did not look at themselves and see the seeds had been planted to late, but at the departure of the stranger- the Sun God.
“Oh!” they cried to the heavens, “forgive us Sun God! Come back and walk among us again”
The king feared for their people, food was scarce, as the fish were hard to catch in the great numbers needed to feed the growing land. The days were drawing in, preparing for winter. Fights broke out for food between the Pagigarian and the Billaomin. The hearts of the races cried for their old friendships as they clashed in the fight for food.
When all was thought to be lost and many had perished, there came out of the deep winters shadows a boat, the fair man at its helm. The scared people wept with joy and laid themselves at his feet crying,
“The Sun God has come and he has not forsaken us! We are to be saved!”
The Kings, Caroliden and Racomia, welcomed him graciously and gave to him the last of their own food stores. They sat for a long time in silence waiting for him to speak. And at last he did. 
“Your land is failing, and your peoples are dying of starvation. What will you do?”
The Kings replied,
“There is nothing that we can do. No word will quell either the fighting or the despair of the people when there is no food to feed even Kings”
The fair man sat for a while longer in silence, a troubled look passing through his beautiful features. He spoke once more.
“I can help you, Kings of Saneith-Niepath, but you must do exactly as I say or your races will be lost”
The Kings agreed quickly, fearing that if they did not hasten, the fair man, their Sun God would leave the shores once more.
“First,” he proclaimed, “You must sacrifice the most gracious and virtuous maiden of your mixed races to purify the oceans tears”
The Kings were horrified at this, for they were beautiful of heart and death hurt them greatly. They held council to together in hope that here was another way. But the fair man said 
“There is no other way. The death of one may release the suffering of many”
Still the Kings hearts were heavy with grief, as the Fair man chose such a woman whom lightens all other hearts with her beauty and charm. She was named Zioniria, the light of the moon. And so, with the villagers standing at the shore holding aloft pyres which illuminated the tears which ran down their silent faces, Zioniria-the light of the moon, of the people of Saneith-Niepath, was driven into the waiting mouth of the sea to be devoured by Neptune. And as her last innocent breath echoed into the darkness, the peoples remaining spirits were broken. That night the moon refused to come out.
But the fair man had not finished.
“Next,” he said, “You must burn all your boats but mine, for the sea is evil and poisonous still. It misleads you with false hope. All your energies must be on the land which feeds and clothes you”
With this advice the Kings again despaired at their Sun Gods council, for the boats held their last possible source of food.
“Sun God!” They cried, “ Is there no other way? We will starve without the fish which the boats bring, few though that they be”
The fair man appeared to grow in size before them, his beautiful face creased with anger, 
“ Do as I say or the wrath of the sun and the earth will destroy your world! There can be no bargains made or goods exchanged. The earth is still good, but you have scored it deeply. If you truly love your peoples and this land of Sanith-Niepath, then the boats must be burnt!”
And so the boats which the Pagigarian and the Billaomin had laboured to build, were burnt. Long plumes of smoke hung in the sky, darkening the land beneath and darkening the handsome sun. And far away, on the horizon, the war ships of fair men saw the signal which their leader had promised and set forward toward the doomed shores of Saneith-Niepath.


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## Lantarion (Mar 22, 2004)

I like this format, it's in a simplistic storytelling mode; the kind of fable-style that is meant to carry a metaphorical lesson. And the language makes it seem like this is maybe a translation, from Egyptian or something (or from some fictional language?). And the plot of this is cunning indeed, a grim and interesting twist. A theme of this could easily be "Do not be too quick to trust strangers". 
But there are a lot of points here that I would consider negative.. Well first of all my linguistic aesthetics do not permit me to enjoy names like "Sanieth-Niepath"; it simply looks too awkward and somehow forced (no disresepct intended with any of this, by the way ). You might want to work on the names in this.. Of course, in this sort of prose the names aren't that important unless they are meaningful on purpose.
The other thing about this I find awkward is the general setting, of two 'races' existing in one community under *two* kings? It just seems a little needless to have two races, when the theme of the story really doesn't need it. If this was a work of 'normal' prose, the setting would be interesting, because it would be something to work with; but here it's sort of redundant. And in any case having two kings ruling a single nation is a bit odd. 

But as an 'Aesopian' tale this is great, I like the style a lot!


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## Kelonus (Mar 24, 2004)

Nice! I didn't read through all of it, but the parts I read was interesting. I like the fact that you came up with your own names. You did.. right? lol  . Keep Writing!


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## numen (Mar 24, 2004)

*yay*

thanks very much guys!

Yeh i made all the names myself. Saneith-Niepath is pronounced

SAN-IF-NI-A-PATH

hope that helps.

Car-o-li-den

Rac-o-mia

PAG-I-GAR-IAN

BILL-A-O-MIN


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## Lantarion (Mar 25, 2004)

I know how they are pronuonced; the phonetic pronunciation is always my default 'setting' when I see foreign words. 
The thing is I just don't like the look or sound of the words, although Caroliden and Racomia are alright. 
What about my earlier comments, was I even partially correct?


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## numen (Mar 26, 2004)

*lol*

lol, yeh you where!
I am thinking about what you said about the two kings and i was thinking about making it two lords rather than Kings. The reason I included two races was to show that people shouldn't be racist -that we can all work together. I don't know if that comes accross.

Thanks for the compliements though- i may edit it a bit and maybe add some more to it.


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## HLGStrider (Mar 27, 2004)

I don't get why the sun man wanted them to sacrifice the maiden. The boats was obvious. Why the maiden, however? It would not help him conquer the island in anyway. I can understand if he'd asked for her to be sacrificed to him, implying that he lusted for her or something, but just killed? You don't think it would be in his interest at all.


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## Lantarion (Mar 27, 2004)

HLGStrider said:


> I don't get why the sun man wanted them to sacrifice the maiden. The boats was obvious. Why the maiden, however? It would not help him conquer the island in anyway. I can understand if he'd asked for her to be sacrificed to him, implying that he lusted for her or something, but just killed? You don't think it would be in his interest at all.


Yeah you have a point.. But then again the very fact that the people of the land did as he said and actually killed somebody just because this guy told them to affirmed his position among them for good, he was now a 'real' deity to them because he can control life and death.

I had a little trouble reading your post, because I went into a mild coma at the incorrect usage of the word 'however'..


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## HLGStrider (Mar 27, 2004)

I write and post the way I talk and that's how I talk so you'd best get used to it. . .at least I've started using period. Before my posts were generally one sentence joined by a myriad of conjunctions.


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## Lantarion (Mar 28, 2004)

Heh it's alright, I am used to it actually.. Just picking on you.


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## numen (Apr 4, 2004)

*ok*

The Sun God sacrifices Zioniria because it breaks the peoples remaining spirits so that when the island gets attacked they will have no means of escape and no spirit to fight back.
Hope that makes sense!


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## joxy (Apr 4, 2004)

What sort of sun is a "giving" one, and what sort of "council" did they have: a city council, or a county council?


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## Lantarion (Apr 5, 2004)

Joxy if I understood your Sun-inquiry correctly, I'd say that the Sun is a 'giving' entity in itself as it is the source of all life and the sustenance of life on Earth.. 
As for the council question, as I see it it makes absolutely no difference. The story is simplified because it carries a clear moral story. This question is like asking exactly what breed of fox is the Fox in Aesop's fable where he tries to get the grapes; it doesn't matter, because the story is built on notions alone.


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