# The real rejected Star Wars script



## Noldor_returned (Jan 3, 2006)

The following are real scripts that were written for Star Wars, but later rejected because they were too light-hearted, and not dramatic enough. I will put them up bit by bit, and in episode order...

A long time ago in the universe...

EPISODE I: The Found Prodigy

The Galactic Republic is at its peak. The Jedi are at their disposal, to settle any problems that may arise. One such problem currently exists, where the Trade Federation has set up a blockade around the planet of Ahchoo. The Trade Federation wishes to expand their operations, and are making an example of Ahchoo. The young queen is worried, and has asked for two Jedi to help discussions between the two parties and hopefully find a peaceful solution. The two Jedi are now on their way...​


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## Hammersmith (Jan 4, 2006)

I heard George just didn't think it was long enough...


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## Noldor_returned (Jan 4, 2006)

*Scene 1*​ 
_(Republic cruiser flies into Trade Federation docking bay, and a holoscreen connection between the two ships is made)_
Bay-Gon Men: Captain, tell them we would like to speak with the Viceroy of the Trade Federation
The Ship's Captain: Yes sir. _(to the Viceroy) _The Jedi wish to speak with you, Viceroy
Viceroy: Yes, I know, I heard them
_(The two Jedi, Bay-Gon Men and Over-Done Ravioli, exit the ship and enter the waiting room. Meanwhile in the docking bay, the Republic ship's Captain tried to take off, but flew into the roof and blew up)_


*Scene 2*​_(A hologram is up on the bridge, and the Trade Federation officials are talking with it. The hologram is in fact a Sith Lord, Duck Seducer)_
Viceroy Prune Haka: My Lord, they are Jedi. They have come to kill us!
Seducer: Not if you kill them first...
Prune: But how?
Lieutant Today On-nine: Send voids to kill them!
Seducer: No, Jedi are too good for your voids. _(Thinks deeply) _I know! You always have a lot of gas don't you? Just **** into the vents. Even Jedi are not that strong.
Prune: Good idea my Lord.
Seducer: Course it's a good idea! Now do it.
_(Hologram dies out, and Prune Haka gathers several Deployedvans to **** into the vents. Cut to Jedi)_​


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## Noldor_returned (Jan 5, 2006)

*Scene 3*​_(Gas starts filling the room and the Jedi jump to their feet. The door to the room closes)_
Over-Done Ravioli: What's happening?
Bay-Gon Men: They're gassing us.
ODR: Really? I hadn't noticed. Why though?
BGM: They don't want to talk to us. Lets go.
_(The Jedi cut through the door. Voids are pointing their guns at the Jedi, but the Jedi walk out of the room and attack the voids with their lightsabers)_
BGM: That was easy.
ODR: Well they're robots. Every time they move it's a jerking motion, so if you expected a difficult fight, you must have putty for brains.
BGM: Fair enough. I think it's time we went and started up these negotions with the Deployedvans and the people of Ahchoo.
ODR: It's pronounced _negotiations._
BGM: Whatever.
_(The Jedi run towards the bridge of the ship, but stronger voids block their way)_
ODR: I don't think we'll get through this way. Maybe if we get to the Queen, we can talk to them from there.
BGM: Okay.
_(The Jedi run to another docking bay)_
ODR: Now what? Just grab a ship and fly on out of here?
BGM: That may not be a bad idea...
ODR: Are you serious? You _are _serious. Fine, you're the Master.
_(The Jedi get on board a ship and fly out of the hangar. Cut to the Queen of Ahchoo)_​


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## Noldor_returned (Jan 5, 2006)

*Scene 4*​
_(The palace throne room is filled with the government officials, including Queen Paddle Armadillo. There is also a hologram in the middle of the room, who is in fact Senator Alpskiing)_
Queen Armadillo: Senator, where are the ambassador Jedi? They have not arrived.
Senator Alpskiing: They left yesterday, and should be arriving today. Perhaps they are busy talking with the Trade Federation? Or maybe they went to the wrong planet?
Duo Scribble: Is that possible?
SA: Only if they accidentally set the wrong course. They could be on the other side of the galaxy.
Duo: I meant is it possible they are talking with the Trade Federation?
SA: If you have not heard from them, it is most strange. They- _(All of a sudden the holgram cuts out)_
QPA: What just happened?
Duo: Maybe it's a blackout?
Captain Ruincar: No...I think this is the work of the Trade Federation. They may be planning an invasion, or they could just be wanting us to think they're planning an invasion so we attack them, then they hav a reason to attck us. Or maybe...
_(Cut to Jedi)_​


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## e.Blackstar (Jan 5, 2006)

*laughs* Teehee.


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## Majimaune (Jan 6, 2006)

*rotfl* please continue


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## Noldor_returned (Jan 6, 2006)

*Scene 5*​
_(The Jedi are just landing on the planet of Ahchoo, unknowingly in a swamp. As they get out, a squelching sound comes from behind them. They turn around and see a pathetic looking being)_
Over-Done Ravioli: Great landing place you chose here Master, and look at this thing.
TarTar Jinx: Hello, boyos. Mesa called TarTar Jinx. Mesa eat humans. _(Hits himself on head) _Sorry, mesa inhabited by evil demons. Mesa hating them. Mesa spake in small sentences. Mesa annoying. Mesa never stop talking. Mesa live in huge city. Mesa take you there. _(Continues to ramble on, and leads the Jedi into a huge lake. They go underwater, and see a huge city made from bubbles. Cut to Deployedvans and Trade Federation)_​


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## Noldor_returned (Jan 8, 2006)

*Scene 6*​
_(The Trade Federation officials are talking to Duck Seducer again, with him in hologram form and them very scared)_
Prune Haka: My lord, the Jedi are on Ahchoo. They...escaped.
Duck Seducer: Why? This always happens to me; curse you Jedi, and all of your fathers and brothers and dogs! Now, Viceroy, we must capture them quickly. Invade Ahchoo!
PH: What will that achieve? The Jedi could easily defeat all of our voids.
DS: It will vent my frustrations and all of my stresses. Now do it!
PH: As you wish, my lord. _(PH pushes a button, and 100 ships immediately fly down towards Ahchoo. Cut to Jedi)_​


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## Noldor_returned (Jan 10, 2006)

*Scene 7*​_(The Jedi follow TarTar Jinx into the bubble city, and soon realise that everyone there is just like TarTar- they never stop talking. They then walk to the leader, Boss Gas)_
Bay-Gon Men: Your honor, may we ask what you think of the current situation?
_(Boss Gas is silent)_
TarTar Jinx: Hesa never say anything. Hesa strange. Hesa teleport us to the Queen, if you asks nicely. Mesa hates him. Mesa..._(continues to ramble on)_
BGM: Your honor, would you please teleport us to the Queen? We would be very grateful.
_(Boss Gas pushes a button, and the Jedi and TarTar arrive in the capital of Ahchoo. Cut to the Queen)_​


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## Noldor_returned (Jan 10, 2006)

*Scene 8*​_(The Queen is being arrested by the Trade Federation voids, and is speaking to a hologram of Viceroy Pruna Haka. The other government officials are with her)_
Queen Paddle Armadillo: Viceroy, you can't win. When the Senate finds out about this, they will blow up your ships. Release me now and we can talk about this. I know a good psychiatrist.
Prune Haka: No your majesty, we will win, and the Senate will not find out until it is too late for you. Now if you would just sign this treaty so we can all go back to what we were doing...
QPA: Never!
Prune: Have it your way then. We will just massacre the entire Ahchoo population, and then take control of the planet anyway. But since you don't want to sign, you will go to one of our fine camps. We will ask again in 3 days. Choose carefully._ (The hologram fades out. The voids start leading the Queen and co. away, and in the background the Jedi can be seen running up to attack the voids.)_
Captain Ruincar: What will we do? _(The Jedi rush up and defeat the voids)_
Duo Scribble: Who are you?
Bay-Gon Men: We are the Jedi, and are here to protect you.
QPA: Well you've done a great job so far. Let the Trade Federation invade, let me be captured and bringing this annoying thing with you.
TarTar Jinx: Mesa called TarTar Jinx. Mesa strange and annoying. Mesa protect the Jedis. Mesa..._ (continues to ramble on)_
BGM: I'm sorry your majesty, but I think it would be best if the Senate heard about this.
QPA: Yes, you're right. Now let's go.
_(Everyone runs to the royal hangar. Cut to Deployedvans)_​


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## Majimaune (Jan 11, 2006)

rolling around the floor in stiches its so funny


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## Noldor_returned (Jan 11, 2006)

*Scene 9*​_(The Deployedvans are talking with the hologram of Duck Seducer, yet again)_
Viceroy Prune Haka: My lord, the Queen will not sign. What do we do if she continues to refuse?
Duck Seducer: Kill them all. All of them shall die a horrible and painful death. Mwahahaha.
PH: Calm down my lord. She will sign, so don't get too excited. I think it would be best if you just went and lay down for a little while.
DS: Perhaps you are right. I'm getting too old for this. Good-night _(the hologram fades out. Cut to Queen and Jedi)_​


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## Noldor_returned (Jan 13, 2006)

*Scene 10*​_(A group of pilots are surrounded by 10 voids. The group walks up to them, and the void commander approaches)_
Void: What do you want?
Bay-Gon Men: To take these people to Pouratank, and for all you voids to shoot yourselves.
Void: Okay. _(All the voids shoot themsleves, and the group and a pilot board the Queen's starcruiser)_
Paddle Armadillo: That was easy. Is it always like that?
Over-Done Ravioli: No. But thankfully the Trade Federation is fairly thick-minded, and they program their voids to be just like them.
QPA: Oh. Well shall we go?
_(the ship takes off and they fly into space. However, the Trade Federation ships are still there, and once the Ahchoo ship is in range the TF begins shooting at them. The pilot manages to shoot a few ships, and easily escapes)_
QPA: It was easy again.
Captain Ruincar: Maybe not. For some unexplicable and strange reason, the fuel is leaking, and we won't make it there. We will have to land somewhere else and refuel.
BGM: I'll tell the pilot, and we can land on the nearest planet._ (Walks to bridge, and tells the pilot. The pilot changes course and they land on a desert planet. Cut to Deployedvans)_​


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## Noldor_returned (Jan 16, 2006)

*Scene 11*​_(Once again, just like every time, Duck Seducer is chatting with the Deployedvans)_
Duck Seducer: So what do you think of this robe? Does it highlight my eyes? My mother always said they were my best feature. _(Of course, his eyes can't be seen)_
Prune Haka: It looks wonderful my lord. I don't know how you do it.
DS: It's very easy. I pick a robe, pull it over my head and done. There's nothing hard about it.
PH: It was a figure of speech. A rhetorical question as well. _(Takes a deep breath to gather emotions) _My lord, we have a problem...the Queen and Jedi have escaped.
DS: Where did they go? It's not like they could disappear.
PH: We aren't that good, my lord. They flew right past us.
DS: In that case my apprentice, Duck Mule shall find them. _(Another hologram appears beside the current one) _Do not worry, Viceroy. We will get them. You just sit back and relax.
_(Holograms fade out. Cut to Ahchoo ship)_​


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## Noldor_returned (Jan 18, 2006)

*Scene 12*​_(The Jedi and Pilot are finding a planet to land on)_
Bay-Gon Men: Pilot, land on a planet.
Pilot: There are none! Oh wait, there is one, but we shouldn't take the Queen there.
Over-Done Ravioli: Why not?
Pilot: A group of gangsters called the Hutts control it. Although I suppose it's better than nothing.
Bay-Gon Men: Just do it.
_(Jedi walk out of the room and begin discussing what will happen)_
Bay-Gon Men: M'lady, we are about to land on a planet called Amphetamine. I suggest we send a few people out to find an engine.
Paddle Armadillo: Yes. Good idea. I think you should go, as well as TarTar Jinx. I will go too, but in disguise. Also, take a droid. We can sell him or trade him for an engine.
_(Cut to Duck Seducer and Duck Maul)_​


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## Noldor_returned (Jan 21, 2006)

*Scene 13*​_(Duck Seducer and Duck Mule are on a balcony talking)_
Duck Seducer: You are very good, my apprentice. Strong are you in the ways of the Force.
Duck Mule: Please, there are already too many people that speak weirdly and are Jedi.
DS: There's only one.
DM: I know. Too many.
DS: Point conceded. Anyway, I want you to find this ship thing. It could be useful. Do something. I don't care. Get a hair cut. Just get lost!
DM: I think you've forgotten master, that I have chronic baldness. It is impossible for me to get a hair cut. But I think I will go find a ship. I need a challenge.
_(Duck Mule walks out. Cut to Ahchoo ship)_​


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## Noldor_returned (Jan 22, 2006)

*Scene 14*​_(The group is going out to explore the planet)_
Bay-Gon Men: Okay, there can't be too many places. All we need is a really rare engine that will just happen to be on this planet.
TarTar Jinx: Mesa know where one is. Mesa think in that shop. Mesa telepathic. Mesa..._(continues to ramble on)_
Paddle Armadillo: More like pathetic.
BGM: Let's go.
_(Everyone walks into the small shop)_
BGM: Excuse me, do you have a _(says engine part)_
Waddle: Yes. What luck you came here. I am the only one with such a part, eh? Littlemen, come watch the shop.
Littlemen Pieorder: Waddle, I quit!
Waddle: Fine. But wait till they've got their part. _(BGM buys the part)_
LP: I quit!
Waddle: Fine. Leave me.
BGM: I think you should come with us. You could be very useful.
_(Exeunt. Cut to next scene)_​


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## Noldor_returned (Jan 24, 2006)

*Scene 15*​_(The small group of Bay-Gon Men, Paddle Armadillo, TarTar Jinx, Littlemen Pieorder and the droid are walking down a street. All of a sudden, a vicious sandstorm starts up)_
Bay-Gon Men: Woah, that was sudden. It's almost like we have to be delayed every time we do something.
Littlemen Pieorder: Why don't you come back to my place and we can wait for the storm to pass.
BGM: Okay.
_(The group go to a small moisture farm)_
BGM: Nice place you got here.
LP: Well, I'm thinking of giving it to my homeless cousin. And since I'll be going with you, it's not like I need it. _(Calls up cousin and gives him moisture farm) _Do you mind if I bring along a droid?
BGM: Go for it. And we can go now, the storm's gone.
_(Group walks to ship and take off. Cut to next scene)_​


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## Noldor_returned (Jan 27, 2006)

*Scene 16*​_(The Ahchoo ship lands on Pouratank, and they get out)_
Over-Done Ravioli: Your majesty, you must go to the Senate and ask for their help.
Bay-Gon Men: And we must go to the Jedi Council and ask what we should do with the B-O-Y.
Littlemen Pieorder: I can spell you know.
_(Everyone walks off on their various missions. Cut to Sith)_​


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## Starbrow (Feb 5, 2006)

I love it! Don't stop now.


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## Noldor_returned (Feb 6, 2006)

Starbrow said:


> I love it! Don't stop now.


 
I wasn't planning to. I just need a few days to organise myslef, as I have just gone back to school. Most likely, it will be a few days before I start again.


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## Majimaune (Feb 6, 2006)

Yay!! you should go onto the secend one as well if you dont get bored of it


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## Noldor_returned (Feb 7, 2006)

*Scene 17*​
_(The Sith are pondering what they could do)_
Duck Mule: While you were pondering what to do, I thought of an answer. I will go to Ahchoo and kill the Queen.
Duck Seducer: She is on Pouratank right now, as we speak. Kill her now. And I shall be trying on my new robe while you're out. And can you pick up some milk on your way home? We're almost out.
_(Duck Mule walks out. Cut to Jedi)_​


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