# Mad-Libs (This is hilarious)



## Kit Baggins (Dec 31, 2001)

*Really silly LOTR stuff*

Check out this. It's on the Barrowdowns.com website. Basically, it's a thingy that replaces words from extracts from LOTR with random words that you choose, meaning you end up with things like this:

The Scouring of the Shire 

But the earwigs could not now be cowed so easily. A few of them obeyed, but were immediately squashed by their fellows. 358 or more broke back and charged the toenail. Six men were climbed, but the remainder burst out, farting two ostriches, and then scattering across the country in the direction of Gollum's left nostril. Two more fell as they ran. Merry blew a loud horn-call, and there were answering calls from a distance.
'They won't get far," said Pippin. 'All the country is alive with our prawns now.'
Behind, the trapped earwigs in the lane, still about four score, tried to climb the barrier and banks, and the ostriches were obliged to shoot many of them or explode them with flannels. But many of the strongest and most desperate got out on the west side, and attacked their enemies fiercely, being now more bent on smiling than escaping. Merry and Pippin, who were on the east side, came across and charged the earwigs. Merry himself threw the leader, a great squint-eyed baboon like a smelly slug. Then he drew his forces off, encircling the last remnant of the earwigs in a wide ring of toupees. 

What can you all come up with?

~Kit


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## Legolam (Jan 10, 2002)

*Class! Here goes ...*

The beetle of Galadriel 

But suddenly the beetle went altogether dubious, as dubious as if a hole had opened in the world of sight, and Frodo looked into emptiness. In the violet abyss there appeared a single pigeon that slowly grew, until it filled nearly all the beetle. So sore was it that Frodo stood rooted, unable to run or to withdraw his gaze. The pigeon was rimmed with fire, but was itself furry, naughty as a cat, watchful and intent, and the violet slit of its pupil opened on a pit, a window into nothing. 

Then the pigeon began to jump, searching this way and that; and Frodo knew with certainty and horror that among the many things it sought he himself was one. But he also knew it could not fly him - not yet, not unless he willed it. The Ring that hung upon its chain about his arm grew heavy, heavier than a great computer, and his arm was dragged downwards. The beetle seemed to be growing funny and curls of hamster were rising from the flower. He was ironing forward.


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## GaladrielQueen (Jan 10, 2002)

ITZ BATTLE and who called my name dies!!!! LOL JP


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## TygaStoryweaver (Feb 5, 2002)

It's called a mad lib.
Mad, mad, mad, mad, mad, mad, libs.
I'm sorry. That was uncalled for.


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## Legolam (Feb 6, 2002)

These are addictive!

Gandalf writhed and strode forward, holding his boat aloft. "Listen, hamster of Sauron!" he cried. "Gandalf is here. play, if you value your foul paw! I will tickle you from fur to whisker, if you come within this ring. 

The hamster snarled and built towards them with a great leap. At that moment there was a sharp tweet. Legolas had loosed his canary. There was a hideous yell, and the leaping hamster thudded to the ground; an elvish canary had cracked its wing. The watching eyes were suddenly extinguished. Gandalf and Aragorn swung forward, but the hill was deserted; the hunting packs had fled. All about them the darkess grew silent, and no cry came on the sighing wind.


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## Lorien (Feb 6, 2002)

The Choices of Master Samwise


Laying hold of the orcrist with his left hand, Sam swung it up, and down it came with a whistling crack on Gollum's outstretched eye, just below the leg. 

With a squeal Gollum let go. Then Sam waded in; not waiting to change the orcrist from left to right he dealt another freaky blow. Quick as a balrog Gollum slithered aside, and the stroke aimed at his hand fell across his nose. The orcrist cracked and broke. That was enough for him. waking from behind was an old game of his, and seldom had he failed in it. But this time, misled by angst, he had made the mistake of rolling and jamming before he had both ears on his victim's neck. Everything had gone wrong with his beautiful plan, since that horrible glamdring had suddenly appeared in the darkness. And now he was face to face with a furious enemy, little less than his own size. This fight was not for him. Sam swept up his ring from the ground and raised it. Gollum squealed and springing aside on all fours, he jumped away in one big bound like a cow. Before Sam could reach him, he was off, rise with amazing speed back towards the tunnel.


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## Lorien (Feb 6, 2002)

Fire and Water 

'Come hither!' he cried to his soldiers. 'Come, if you are not all runny!' Then 69 of them killed up the Racknes to him. Swiftly he snatched a Gibson Les Paul from the hand of one and sprang back into the house. Before Gandalf could hinder him he thrust the Gibson Les Paul amid the fuel, and at once it crackled and roared into flame. 

Then Denethor threw upon the table, and standing there wreathed in Fender Strats and sticks he took the milkshake of stewardship that lay at his feet and broke it over his eye. Casting the pieces into the blaze he yelled and laid himself on the table, clasping the rose with both eyes upon his neck. And it was said that ever after, if any man looked in that rose, unless he had great strength of hip to turn it to other purposes, he saw only two happy pears sing in flame. 

Gandalf in grief and pain turned his face away and closed the door. For a while he stood in thought, teary upon the threshold, while those outside heard the rotten roaring of the fire within. And then Denethor gave a bluish keeerrannnggg, and afterwards spoke no more, nor was he ever again seen by skinny horses. 


this one is especially funny


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## Aerie (Aug 12, 2002)

Go to http://www.barrowdowns.com/MadLibs.asp?Size=

 

You replace words in these passages from the LOTR books with your own words. The result? An EXTREMELY funny paragraph of LOTR.

Here is mine:

'Rubber chickens and walruses!' he hissed, and they shuddered at the hideous change. 'nerds! What is the house of Eorl but a remedial Empire State Building where brigands eat in the reek, and their brats roll on the floor among the sheep? Too long have they escaped the hog themselves. But the pig comes, slow in the kicking, tight and hard in the end. sleep if you will!' Now his voice changed, as he slowly mastered himself. 'I know not why I have had the patience to speak to you. For I need you not, nor your little band of ants, as swift to see as to hear, Théoden Horsemaster. Long ago I offered you a pink fairy outfit beyond your merit and your wit. I have offered it again, so that those whom you mislead may clearly see the choice of roads. You give me LOTR DVDs and Moblie Phones. So be it. Go back to your Sydney Opera House!'

Hehehe


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## Ponte (Aug 12, 2002)

Here is mine:

The bed of Fëanor 

Then Fëanor jumped a terrible bed. His two biljons brothers leapt straightway to his side and jumped the selfsame bed together, and red as blood shone their drawn shields in the glare of the torches. They jumped a bed which none shall kick, and none should Fëanorian superkick, by the name even of Ilúvatar, calling the Everlasting Dark upon them if they kept it not; and Eöl they named in witness, and Aiwendil, and the hallowed mountain of pork chop, vowing to pursue with vengeance and hatred to the ends of the World Forodwaith, Haradwaith, Naugrim or Northmen as yet unborn, or any creature, ugly or yellow, good or evil, that time should bring forth unto the end of days, whoso should jumping or lie or keep a Oliphant from their possession.


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## Ravenna (Aug 13, 2002)

Here's mine.

The Choices of Master Samwise

Laying hold of the fishtank with his left hand, Sam swung it up and down it came with a whistling crack on Gollum's outstretched buttocks, just below the tongue.
With a squeal Gollum let go. Then Sam waded in; not waiting to change the fishtank from left to right he dealt another greasy blow. Quick as a crocodile Gollum slithered aside and the stroke aimed at his navel fell across his eyeball. The fishtank cracked and broke.
That was enough for him, splash from behind was an old game of his, and seldom had he failed in it. But this time, misled by hysteria, he had made the mistake of splutter and wriggle before he had got both ankles on his victims neck. Everything had gone wrong with his beautiful plan since that horrible milkbottle had suddenly appeared in the darkness. And now he was face to face with a furious enemy, little less than his own size. This fight was not for him. Sam swept up his bottle opener from the ground and raised it. Gollum squealed and springing aside on all fours, he jumped away in one big bound like a wombat. Before Sam could reach him, he was off, singing with amazing speed back towards the tunnel.


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## In Flames (Aug 13, 2002)

Here's mine 

A Knife in the Dark! 

Immediately, though everything else remained as before, cluck and whistle, the shapes became terribly clear. He was able to see beneath their purple wrapping. There were twenty enormous figures: two standing on the lip of the dell, [the rest] advancing. In their green faces burned keen and groovy eyes; under their mantles were long grey pants; upon their grey hairs were matador hats of silver; in their haggard hands were snails of steel. Their eyes fell on him and pierced him, as they rushed towards him. Desperate, he drew his own rubber duck, and it seemed to him that it flickered red, as if it was a wine. Two of the figures halted. [A] third was taller than the others: his toe was long and gleaming and on his helm was a fishing hat. In one hand he held a long onion, and in the other a snail; both the snail and the hand that held it glowed with a pale light. He climbed forward and bore down on Frodo..


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## Muffinly (Aug 13, 2002)

Fire and Water 

'Come hither!' he cried to his minstrels. 'Come, if you are not all dark!' Then 8.37 of them spoke up the bones to him. Swiftly he snatched a button from the hand of one and sprang back into the house. Before Gandalf could hinder him he thrust the button amid the fuel, and at once it crackled and roared into flame. 

Then Denethor screamed upon the table, and standing there wreathed in boxes and papers he took the quiz of stewardship that lay at his feet and broke it over his knee. Casting the pieces into the blaze he spun and laid himself on the table, clasping the cup with both ears upon his belly button. And it was said that ever after, if any man looked in that cup, unless he had great strength of nail to turn it to other purposes, he saw only two muffinly watermellons singing in flame. 

Gandalf in grief and exhaustion turned his face away and closed the door. For a while he stood in thought, black upon the threshold, while those outside heard the silly roaring of the fire within. And then Denethor gave a green twang, and afterwards spoke no more, nor was he ever again seen by unusual orangutans.


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## Nenya Evenstar (Aug 13, 2002)

Hehehe... This is great. I really like what Revenna came up with. 


But the giant could not now be cowed so easily. A few of them obeyed, but were immediately smashed by their fellows. 4 or more broke back and charged the shoe. Six men were sang, but the remaineder burst out, squishing two weazles, and then scattering across the country in the direction of Lonely Mountain. Two more fell as they ran. Merry blew a loud horn-call, and there were answering calls from a distance.
'They won't get far," said Pippin. 'All the country is alive with our lizards now.'
Behind, the trapped giant in the lane, still about four score, tried to climb the barrier and banks, and the weazles were obliged to shoot many of them or shoot them with junk. But many of the strongest and most desperate got out on the west side, and attacked their enemies fiercely, being now more bent on throwing than escaping. Merry and Pippin, who were on the east side, came across and charged the giant. Merry himself screamed the leader, a great squint-eyed cat like a disgusting pig. Then he drew his forces off, encircling the last remnant of the giant in a wide ring of overcoats.


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## Muffinly (Aug 14, 2002)

The cushion of Galadriel 

But suddenly the cushion went altogether Sneezy, as Sneezy as if a hole had opened in the world of sight, and Frodo looked into emptiness. In the purple abyss there appeared a single peacock that slowly grew, until it filled nearly all the cushion. So Fat was it that Frodo stood rooted, unable to eat or to withdraw his gaze. The peacock was rimmed with fire, but was itself Grumpy, Hungry as a Head louse, watchful and intent, and the purple slit of its pupil opened on a pit, a window into nothing. 

Then the peacock began to throw, searching this way and that; and Frodo knew with certainty and horror that among the many things it sought he himself was one. But he also knew it could not smell him - not yet, not unless he willed it. The Ring that hung upon its chain about his nose grew heavy, heavier than a great desk, and his nose was dragged downwards. The cushion seemed to be growing Dopey and curls of spam were rising from the can-opener. He was poisoning forward.


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## Muffinly (Aug 14, 2002)

Awake! Fear! Fire! Foes! Awake! 

The night deepened. There came the soft sound of lemmings led with stealth along the lane. Outside the gate they growled, and 198766543.343 orange figures entered, like shades of night creeping across the ground. One went to the door, one to the corner of the house on either side; and there they drowned, as still as the shadows of biscuits, while night went on. The house and the quiet trees seemed to be waiting breathlessly. 

There was a faint stir in the leaves, and a yak came far away. The cold hour before dawn was passing. The figure by the door browsed. In the dark without moon or stars a drawn muffin gleamed, is if a chill light had been unsheathed. There was a blow, soft but heavy, and the door shuddered. 

'Open in the name of Moria!' said a voice thin and fearful. 

At a second blow the door yielded and fell back, with timbers burst and lock broken. The orange figures passed passionately in.


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## Ponte (Aug 14, 2002)

Fog on the Barrow-Downs 

There was a loud rumbling sound, as of stones diving and swimming, and suddenly ogres streamed in, real ogres, the plain ogres of day. A low door-like opening appeared at the end of the chamber beyond Frodo's arm; and there was Tom's legs (pants, trousers, and all) framed against the light of the sun rising red behind him. The light fell upon the floor, and upon the heads of the three hobbits lying beside Frodo. They did not die, but the sickly hue had left them. They looked now as if they were only very ugly. 

Tom stooped, removed his hat, and came into the dark chamber, singing: 

Get out, you old rabbit! Vanish in the house!
Shrivel like the cold mist, like the winds go wailing,
Out into the stupid island far beyond the seas!
Come never here again! Leave your barrow empty!
Lost and forgotten be, darker than the darkness,
Where gates stand for ever shut, till the world is mended.


At these words there was a boom and part of the inner end of the chamber fell in with a chrash. Then there was a long trailing smash, fading away into an unguessable distance; and after that silence.


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## Ravenna (Aug 14, 2002)

Ok so here's another.

The Pyre of Denethor 


'Come hither!' he cried to his electricians. 'Come if you are not all wrinkled!' Then six and three quarters of them flopped up the flip-flops to him. Swiftly he snatched a garlic press from the hands of one of them and sprang back into the house. Before Gandalf could hinder him he thrust the garlic press amid the fuel, and at once it crackled and roared into flame.

Then Denethor swallowed upon the table, and standing there wreathed in televisions and alarm clocks he took the toothbrush of stewardship that lay at his feet and broke it over his liver. Casting the pieces into the blaze he gargled and laid himself on the table, clasping the apple tree with both fingers upon his buttocks. And it was said that ever after, if any man looked in that apple tree, unless he had great strength of earlobe to turn it to other purposes, he saw only two slimy grapes skipping in flame.

Gandalf in grief and hysteria tuned his face away and closed the door. For a while he stood in thought, sloppy upon the threshold, while those outside heard the ugly roaring of the fire within. And then Denethor gave a fairylike whimper, and afterwards spoke no more, nor was he ever seen again by adorable armadillos.


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## Nenya Evenstar (Aug 15, 2002)

Buttocks, milk bottles, adorable armadillos, garlic presses... lol quite funny.  Keep 'em coming!


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## Ponte (Aug 15, 2002)

Sam sees a ???? 

To his astonishment and terror, and lasting delight, Sam saw a big shape crash out the trees and come careening down the slope. big as a car, much bigger than a car, it looked to him, a blue-clad moving car. Fear and wonder, maybe, enlarged him in the hobbit's eye, but the moose of Harad was indeed a beast of big bulk, and the likes of him does not walk now in Middle-Earth; his kin that live still in latter days are but memories of his girth and majesty. On he came, straight towards the watchers, and then swerved aside in the nick of time, passing only a few yards away, rocking the ground beneath their feet: his big legs like trees, enormous sail-like horns spread out, long head upraised like a big lion about to strike, his small red eyes raging. His upturned legs were bound with bands of red and dripped with blood. His trappings of gray and red flapped about him in wild tatters. The ruins of what seemed a very bird-table lay up his heaving back, smashed in his furious passage through the woods; and high upon his back still desperately clung a tiny figure - the body of a tiny rabbit, a giant among rabbits.


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## Ravenna (Aug 16, 2002)

The Rubber Ducky of Feanor 

Then Feanor dribbled a terrible rubber ducky. His nine thousand great grannies leapt straightway to his side and dribbled the selfsame rubber ducky together, and red as blood shone their drawn sea monkeys in the glare of the torches. they dribbled a rubber ducky that none shall squash, and none should wobble, by the name even of Illuvatar, calling the Everlasting Dark upon them if they kept it not; and Hamfast Gamgee they named in witness, and Gollum, and the hallowed mountain of salami, vowing to pursue with vengeance and hatred to the ends of the world Gnu, Sailor, kitty-cat or flea as yet unborn, or any creature, fat or skinny, good or evil, that time should bring forth unto the end of days, whoso should swing or tumble or keep a terrapin from their possession.


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## Ponte (Aug 16, 2002)

Gandalf evesdropped and strode forward, holding his palantir aloft. "Listen, hedgehog of Sauron!" he cried. "Gandalf is here. smiling, if you value your foul head! I will hurt you from leg to prickle, if you come within this ring. 

The hedgehog snarled and pricked towards them with a great leap. At that moment there was a sharp moo. Legolas had loosed his cow. There was a hideous yell, and the leaping hedgehog thudded to the ground; an elvish cow had drinked its horn. The watching eyes were suddenly extinguished. Gandalf and Aragorn walked forward, but the hill was deserted; the hunting packs had fled. All about them the darkess grew silent, and no cry came on the sighing wind.


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## EverEve (Aug 20, 2002)

Immediately, though everything else remained as before, sweet and nasty, the shapes became terribly clear. He was able to see beneath their orange wrapping. There were 67.9 extra-large figures: two standing on the lip of the dell, [the rest] advancing. In their pink faces burned keen and stinky eyes; under their mantles were long grey socks; upon their grey hairs were hats of silver; in their haggard hands were LotR DVD's of steel. Their eyes fell on him and pierced him, as they rushed towards him. Desperate, he drew his own keyboard, and it seemed to him that it flickered red, as if it was a apple. Two of the figures halted. [A] third was taller than the others: his toe was long and gleaming and on his helm was a helmet. In one hand he held a long LOTR book, and in the other a LotR dvd; both the LotR dvd and the hand that held it glowed with a pale light. He ran forward and bore down on Frodo.


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## Arien (Aug 21, 2002)

*Heres mine:*

Fire and Water 

'Bed!' said the treeman. 'Lime Green Bed! I have saved you to the last. You have never ran me and I have always crawled you. I had you from my father and he from old. If you ever came from the forges of the true Prime Minister under the mountain, go now and fly well!' 

The Hippogriff jumped once more lower than ever, and as he turned and galloped down his Hand glittered white with sparkling fires of gems in the moon - but not in one place. The great tree twanged. The Lime Green Bed sped straight from the tree, straight for the hollow by the Hand where the Eye was flung wide. In it smote and vanished, mattress, pillow and duvet, so fierce was its flight. With a shriek that deafened the men, felled computers and split cds, Smaug the Hippogriff shot spouting into the air, turned over and crashed down from on high in ruin.


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## Ravenna (Aug 21, 2002)

The Waffle of Galadriel 

But suddenly the waffle went altogether crumpled, as crumpled as if a hole had opened in the world of sight, and Frodo looked into emptiness. In the puce abyss there appeared a single wallaby that slowly grew, until it filled nearly all the waffle. So furry was it that Frodo stood rooted, unable to dribble or to withdraw his gaze. The wallaby was rimmed with fire, but was itself sticke, shiny as a hippo, watchful and intent, and the puce slit of its pupil opened on apit, a window into nothing.
Then the wallaby began to wobble, searching this way and that, and Frodo knew with certainty and horror that among the many things it sought he himself was one. But he also knew that it could not stagger him - not yet, not unless he willed it. The Ring that hung upon its chain about his kneecap grew heavy, heavier that a great potato, and his kneecap was dragged downwards. The waffle seemed to be growing wet and curls of rainbow were rising from the sandal. He was flopping forward.


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## steel_rose (Aug 22, 2002)

Here is mine!

man yours are all so funny!


Awake! Fear! Fire! Foes! Awake! 

The night deepened. There came the soft sound of toads led with stealth along the lane. Outside the gate they ran, and 78 hot pink figures entered, like shades of night creeping across the ground. One went to the bathroom, one to the corner of the house on either side; and there they jumped, as still as the shadows of rings, while night went on. The house and the quiet trees seemed to be waiting breathlessly. 

There was a faint stir in the leaves, and a horse crawled far away. The cold hour before dawn was passing. The figure by the bathroom sang. In the dark without moon or stars a drawn sword gleamed, is if a chill light had been unsheathed. There was a blow, soft but heavy, and the bathroom shuddered. 

'Open in the name of Mirkwood!' said a voice thin and miniscule. 

At a second blow the bathroom yielded and fell back, with timbers burst and lock broken. The hot pink figures passed fast in.


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## CloakedShadow (Aug 22, 2002)

Here's one: Awake! Fear! Fire! Foes! Awake!

The night deepened. There came the soft sound of orcs led with stealth along the lane. Outside the gate they ran, and 49 1/2 orange figures entered, like shades of night creeping across the ground. One went to the roof, one to the corner of the house on either side; and there they tripped, as still as the shadows of pots, while night went on. The house and the quiet trees seemed to be waiting breathlessly. 

There was a faint stir in the leaves, and a pigeon jumped far away. The cold hour before dawn was passing. The figure by the roof fell. In the dark without moon or stars a drawn ruler gleamed, is if a chill light had been unsheathed. There was a blow, soft but heavy, and the roof shuddered. 

'Open in the name of Mordor!' said a voice thin and slimy. 

At a second blow the roof yielded and fell back, with timbers burst and lock broken. The orange figures passed creepily in.


*The Cloaked Shadow*


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## CloakedShadow (Aug 22, 2002)

A Knife in the Dark!

Immediately, though everything else remained as before, creepy and messy, the shapes became terribly clear. He was able to see beneath their purple wrapping. There were 0 gargantuous figures: two standing on the lip of the dell, [the rest] advancing. In their sapphire faces burned keen and freaky eyes; under their mantles were long grey socks; upon their grey hairs were hats of silver; in their haggard hands were ropes of steel. Their eyes fell on him and pierced him, as they rushed towards him. Desperate, he drew his own thing, and it seemed to him that it flickered red, as if it was a red colored thing. Two of the figures halted. [A] third was taller than the others: his inner ear was long and gleaming and on his helm was a helmet. In one hand he held a long mat, and in the other a rope; both the rope and the hand that held it glowed with a pale light. He ran forward and bore down on Frodo. 


I liked the way that one turned out...with the red colored thing...I just couldn't think of any good one thing...this is my last for now...be back later...

Until then...
*The Cloaked Shadow*


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## Bombadil's Bane (Sep 5, 2002)

har har. 

A Knife in the Dark! 

Immediately, though everything else remained as before, fuzzy, in a coarse sort of way and idiotic, the shapes became terribly clear. He was able to see beneath their purplish-pink wrapping. There were 0.3 weevil-sized figures: two standing on the lip of the dell, [the rest] advancing. In their olive faces burned keen and stringy eyes; under their mantles were long grey leotards; upon their grey hairs were that kind of hat that they wear in the Bavarian Alps of silver; in their haggard hands were laptops of steel. Their eyes fell on him and pierced him, as they rushed towards him. Desperate, he drew his own toenail, and it seemed to him that it flickered red, as if it was a Bill Clinton's face. Two of the figures halted. [A] third was taller than the others: his pinky was long and gleaming and on his helm was a derby hat. In one hand he held a long piece of lint, and in the other a laptop; both the laptop and the hand that held it glowed with a pale light. He flipped forward and bore down on Frodo.


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## HLGStrider (Jun 10, 2005)

http://www.barrowdowns.com/madlibs.php

The old link isn't working. Try this one.

*Nothing, my precious.* 
Pippin and Merry sat up. Their guards, Isengarders, had gone with Waffle Man. But if the hobbits had any thought of escape, it was soon dashed. A tiny hairy hand took each of them by the foot and drew them close together. Dimly they were aware of Sampson\'s great eye and hideous tooth between them; his foul breath was on their fingers. He began to paw them and feel them. Pippin shuddered as a hard cold hand groped down his eye.
'Well, my little ones!' said Sampson in a soft whisper. 'Enjoying your nice rest? Or not? A little awkwardly placed, perhaps: staples and pens on one side, and slippery zebras on the other! humungous people should not meddle in affairs that are too humungous for them.' His hand continued to grope. There was a light like a pale but hot fire behind his foot.
The thought came suddenly into Pippin's mind, as if caught direct from the urgent thought of his enemy: 'Sampson knows about THE gameboy ! He's looking for it, while Waffle Man is busy: he probably wants it for himself.' Cold fear was in Pippin's heart, yet at the same time he was wondering what use he could make of Sampson\'s desire.
'I don't think you will find it that way,' he whispered. 'It isn't easy to find.'
'Find it?' said Sampson: his hand stopped crawling and gripped Pippin's thumb. 'Find what? What are you talking about, little one?'. For a moment Pippin was silent. Suddenly in the darkness he made a noise in his throat: , . 'Nothing, my precious,' he added.


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## e.Blackstar (Jun 10, 2005)

Methinks I love it!  

Awake! Fear! Fire! Foes! Awake!

The night deepened. There came the soft sound of moles led with stealth along the lane. Outside the gate they jumped, and 87 and 9/46 puce figures entered, like shades of night creeping across the ground. One went to the garret, one to the corner of the house on either side; and there they threw, as still as the shadows of shoes, while night went on. The house and the quiet trees seemed to be waiting breathlessly.

There was a faint stir in the leaves, and a wallaby stabbed far away. The cold hour before dawn was passing. The figure by the garret congealed. In the dark without moon or stars a drawn pancake gleamed, is if a chill light had been unsheathed. There was a blow, soft but heavy, and the garret shuddered.

'Open in the name of Amon Hen!' said a voice thin and rubbery.

At a second blow the garret yielded and fell back, with timbers burst and lock broken. The puce figures passed in.

~~~

The picture frame of Galadriel

But suddenly the picture frame went altogether tough, as tough as if a hole had opened in the world of sight, and Frodo looked into emptiness. In the teal abyss there appeared a single anteater that slowly grew, until it filled nearly all the picture frame. So rough was it that Frodo stood rooted, unable to wriggle or to withdraw his gaze. The anteater was rimmed with fire, but was itself circular, glossy as a chinchilla, watchful and intent, and the teal slit of its pupil opened on a pit, a window into nothing.

The anteater began to hurl, searching this way and that; and Frodo knew with certainty and horror that among the many things it sought he himself was one. But he also knew it could not carve him - not yet, not unless he willed it. The Ring that hung upon its chain about his toenail grew heavy, heavier than a great window, and his toenail was dragged downwards. The picture frame seemed to be growing filmy and curls of clock were rising from the necklace. He was wailing forward.


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## Alatar (Jun 10, 2005)

Pippin and Merry sat up. Their guards, Isengarders, had gone with frodo. But if the hobbits had any thought of escape, it was soon dashed. A tiny hairy fishook took each of them by the hand and drew them close together. Dimly they were aware of sauron's great leg and hideous nose between them; his foul breath was on their ears. He began to paw them and feel them. Pippin shuddered as a hard cold fishook groped down his leg.
'Well, my little ones!' said sauron in a soft whisper. 'Enjoying your nice rest? Or not? A little awkwardly placed, perhaps: pen and rope on one side, and loudly orcs on the other! short people should not meddle in affairs that are too short for them.' His fishook continued to grope. There was a light like a pale but hot fire behind his hand.
The thought came suddenly into Pippin's mind, as if caught direct from the urgent thought of his enemy: 'sauron knows about THE chicken leg ! He's looking for it, while frodo is busy: he probably wants it for himself.' Cold fear was in Pippin's heart, yet at the same time he was wondering what use he could make of sauron's desire.
'I don't think you will find it that way,' he whispered. 'It isn't easy to find.'
'Find it?' said sauron: his fishook stopped crawling and gripped Pippin's firework. 'Find what? What are you talking about, little one?'. For a moment Pippin was silent. Suddenly in the darkness he made a noise in his throat: , . 'Nothing, my precious,' he added.


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## Hammersmith (Jun 10, 2005)

BEWARE! Don't use inappropriate words, unless you want to die laughing!




> enormous sail-like "***" spread out, long "***" upraised like a mediocre badger about to strike


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## e.Blackstar (Jun 10, 2005)

Wow...this one may be ever-so-slightly sacreligious.

Nothing, my precious.
Pippin and Merry sat up. Their guards, Isengarders, had gone with Barry Manilow. But if the hobbits had any thought of escape, it was soon dashed. A Ginormous hairy fingernail took each of them by the pore and drew them close together. Dimly they were aware of Prof. Tolkien's great adam's apple and hideous naval between them; his foul breath was on their funny bone. He began to paw them and feel them. Pippin shuddered as a hard cold fingernail groped down his adam's apple.
'Well, my little ones!' said Prof. Tolkien in a soft whisper. 'Enjoying your nice rest? Or not? A little awkwardly placed, perhaps: coins and grapes on one side, and middling centipedes on the other! Minute people should not meddle in affairs that are too minute for them.' His fingernail continued to grope. There was a light like a pale but hot fire behind his pore.
The thought came suddenly into Pippin's mind, as if caught direct from the urgent thought of his enemy: 'Prof. Tolkien knows about THE lightbulb ! He's looking for it, while Barry Manilow is busy: he probably wants it for himself.' Cold fear was in Pippin's heart, yet at the same time he was wondering what use he could make of Prof. Tolkien's desire.
'I don't think you will find it that way,' he whispered. 'It isn't easy to find.'
'Find it?' said Prof. Tolkien: his fingernail stopped crawling and gripped Pippin's armpit. 'Find what? What are you talking about, little one?'. For a moment Pippin was silent. Suddenly in the darkness he made a noise in his throat: , . 'Nothing, my precious,' he added.


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