# Reading Eyes: Story in need of (brutal) feedback- please?



## Rhiannon (Mar 31, 2003)

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## Rhiannon (Mar 31, 2003)

*Reading Eyes- cont'*

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## Rhiannon (Mar 31, 2003)

*Reading Eyes- cont'*

[deleted post]


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## Rhiannon (Mar 31, 2003)

*Reading Eyes- cont'*

[deleted post]


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## Rhiannon (Mar 31, 2003)

*Reading Eyes- cont'*

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## Uminya (Mar 31, 2003)

I have read only the beginning (for now) but I like the story. You're descriptive and emotions are good, but for some reason, there is a sombreness to it. Not a quiet sombreness, but a lethargic one. I don't know how you'd fix it, but that's the only thing I can add!


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## Kailita (Apr 3, 2003)

Very very interesting...

I love the whole concept of "reading eyes". Very intuitive. 

You like Beauty and the Beast, yes? I read your story in the short story contest thread, and now this...but I liked them both. I usually am not a big fan of fairy tales, but I've always liked Beauty and the Beast, because it's focused so much more on _inner_ beauty than the usual beautiful-princess love-at-first-sight stories. Nice twist on the classic story...using an Eastern point of view...

I believe there may be a few tense disagreements, but I'm not quite sure. You would need to talk to someone more fluent with English grammar about that. 

As for what Ciryaher said...there does seem to be a somber sense to the story, but I think it's partly because of the setting and the culture, and a lack of dialogue. But it fits well with the tone of the story...or that's what I think, at least. 

Anyway, do keep writing! I'd like to see the rest of this...


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## Rhiannon (Apr 6, 2003)

> You're descriptive and emotions are good, but for some reason, there is a sombreness to it. Not a quiet sombreness, but a lethargic one. I don't know how you'd fix it, but that's the only thing I can add!



I see this too, and I think it might be due to the fact the several parts (the beginning paragraph and others) were originally written in the present tense, back when all I had was fragments. Once it started to look like an actual story, I went back and altered them. 




> You like Beauty and the Beast, yes?



Adore it. I read a lot of fairy tales and fairy tale based books, and B&B has remained my favorite. 



> I usually am not a big fan of fairy tales, but I've always liked Beauty and the Beast, because it's focused so much more on inner beauty than the usual beautiful-princess love-at-first-sight stories.



That's my feeling as well. I outgrew Cinderella along with Barbie and pink (I am so ashamed of my past 8yr old self). 

Thank you both very much for the comments!


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## Zale (Apr 8, 2003)

Apart from slight disagreements in tense from time to time, you grammar is good, & the spelling as well.
Very descriptive, physically as well as emotionally. You've made it quite believable, although you can tell it was written from a woman's point of view (obviously) & there are some bits that to me appear a bit sexist; this might put off male readers.
Ciryaher is right, it is fairly lethargic, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.
The only thing I can criticise really is the ending; it seems a bit flat to me (unless it's still work in progress).


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## Rhiannon (Apr 8, 2003)

> Apart from slight disagreements in tense from time to time, you grammar is good, & the spelling as well.
> Very descriptive, physically as well as emotionally.



Thank you.




> You've made it quite believable, although you can tell it was written from a woman's point of view (obviously) & there are some bits that to me appear a bit sexist; this might put off male readers.



I know the sexist bits are there; they're the views of the narrator, not me  



> Ciryaher is right, it is fairly lethargic, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.



The pace is meant to be slow, but not to the point that the reader loses interests and the story loses momentum, which is one of the things I'm worried about.



> The only thing I can criticise really is the ending; it seems a bit flat to me (unless it's still work in progress).



It is- It's far from finished. I've been going over and trying to edit what I have before I move too far forward, though.


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## Zale (Apr 9, 2003)

That would explain it. It's hard to review unfinished articles (& I hope I don't sound too pompous here) 'cos I might be criticising things that are about to change (like the ending) & you cannot see the full picture.
But: so far so good.


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