# Jokes



## Wolfshead

Because I am a genuinely nice person, I have decided that every day, or whenever I come across a good joke, I shall post it here in this thread for you people to laugh and chuckle at. And if anyone else happens to come across a very funny one, post it here as well! So here goes todays joke...

--------------

A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an
activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand to give him
an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood
up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick
it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way
my wife would do it?" the husband asked.

"Exactly," replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and
said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."


----------



## Anamatar IV

that is pretty funny but theres already a thread like this in the guild of writers section.


----------



## FREEDOM!

Who cares if there is already one. hey Craig keep postin the jokes.


----------



## legoman

theres already one on this forum, Merry posted it ages ago, could a moderator perhaps merge them both?? It'd save space.


Still funny joke though.


----------



## Wolfshead

I know there's another thread but it's about 7 pages long so I figured a new thread would make things easier for people that haven't read the whole of the other one. Might as well leave this one here. Todays joke coming once I get home


----------



## Wolfshead

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive. "Dead." She was informed.

"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.

"Because I ****ed in its ear and it didn't move,"answered the child
innocently.

"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. 

"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' 
and it didn't move."


----------



## Anamatar IV

that one is funny. It sounds better when the computer doesnt censor it


----------



## FREEDOM!

Pretty good. lol.


----------



## Wolfshead

Oh yeah, the server has gone and censored it. My apologies Mods, I didn't think that particular word would be too offensive


----------



## FREEDOM!

I have a good one guys here it is:

A boy rides on his donkey to school everday and he arrives on time to school everyday, but one day he is late for school so his teacher asks him y he is late. He replys to his teacher my ass almost got runn over by a train. and she says son we don't use that kind of language here, we say rectum. the boy replys wrecked him heck it dang nearly killed him.


----------



## Wolfshead

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, 
finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy 
thought it over and said,"Well, I'll run in and out and in an out 
and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's 
sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"


----------



## Spartan117

I've already posted this one in one of those random thread things, but I guess another wouldn't hurt:
What is the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?
One goes: Whack!! . . . . "Dang it"!
and One goes: "Dang it"! . . . . Whack!!


----------



## FREEDOM!

Why do they call it a kilt?



Cause if you call it a skirt you will get kilt.












(I think thats how it go's)


----------



## Wolfshead

*Plane Problems*

After every flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The form is a piece of paper that the pilot completes, and then the mechanics read and correct the problem. 

They then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. 

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, as submitted by QANTAS pilots, and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. 


P = The problem logged by the pilot. 
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers. 
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. 
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. 
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough. 
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft. 
P: Something loose in cockpit. 
S: Something tightened in cockpit. 
P: Dead bugs on windshield. 
S: Live bugs on back-order. 
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent. 
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. 
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. 
S: Evidence removed. 
P: DME volume unbelievably loud. 
S: DME volume set to more believable level. 
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. 
S: That's what they're there for. 
P: IFF inoperative. 
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. 
P: Suspected crack in windshield. 
S: Suspect you're right. 
P: Number 3 engine missing. 
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. 
P: Aircraft handles funny. 
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. 
P: Target radar hums. 
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words. 
P: Mouse in cockpit. 
S: Cat installed.


----------



## Legolam

That's a great one!


----------



## Spartan117

Hey Craig, Thats great stuff, where did you find it?


----------



## Spartan117

Heres another one:

Whats the difference between a set of bagpipes and a lawnmower??

You can tune a lawnmower.


----------



## Goldberry344

ok, here i go.. hehe.

Whats small, purple and dangerous???











a grape with a gun.


----------



## Wolfshead

> _Originally posted by Eomer88 _
> *Hey Craig, Thats great stuff, where did you find it? *


The one about the planes I found on http://www.amazingjokes.com. But that's not where I usually get them


----------



## Wolfshead

A trucker stops for red light and a blonde girl catches up. She 
knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window. The girl 
says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." 
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. 

The trucker stops for another red light and the girl again catches 
up. She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window and 
she says "Hi my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load!" 

He ignores her again and continues down the street. 

The trucker stops for still another red light and the girl catches 
up again all out of breath. She knocks on the door and the trucker 
lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you 
are losing some of your load!" 

He dismisses her and starts off down the street, then stops. The 
trucker gets out of the truck, approaches the blonde girl and says: 

"Hi, my name is Andy and I am driving a SALT TRUCK!"


----------



## Merry

A girl walks in to a supermarket in Burnley and buys the following items: 

1 Bar of Soap 

1 Toothbrush 

1 Tube of toothpaste 

1 loaf of bread 

1 pint of milk 

1 apple 

1 banana 

1 orange 

1 plum 

1 grapefruit 

1 tomato 

1 lettuce 

1 cabbage 

1 baking potato 

1 kraft single 

1 samosa 

1 vegetable pakora 

1 muesli bar 

1 pie 

1 frozen pizza 

1 single frozen dinner 

The bloke behind her in the queue taps her on the shoulder. He is carrying a basket with a six pack of stella, a pizza and some Wagon Wheels. As she turns he smiles at her and says, 

Single, eh? 

The girl smiles sheepishly and replies 

"How did you guess?" 

He looks at her - straight in the eyes and gently says 

"Because you're minging"


----------



## Legolam

Welcome back Merry! Good to see you're back on top form!


----------



## Merry

Three snails, Mick, Andy & Roy, decide to go on a picnic. Mick packs the 
picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is 
ten miles away, so it takes the ten days to get there. When they get there 
Mick unpacks the food and beer. 

'Ok Roy, give me the bottle opener, 'I 
didn't bring it' says Roy. 'I thought you packed it'. Mick gets worried, He 
turns to Andy, 'Did you bring the bottle 
opener' Naturally, Andy didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from 
anywhere without a bottle opener. Mick and Andy beg Roy to go back for it. 
But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, 
and after they have sworn on their snail lives that they will not eat the 
sandwiches, he finally agrees. So, Roy sets off down the road at a steady 
pace. 20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Andy are starving, 
but a promise is a promise. Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a 
promise is a promise. Finally, they can't take it any longer so they take 
out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Roy pops up from 
behind a rock and shouts. 
'I knew it'........... I'm not going now!'


----------



## Merry

Hello Legolam sweetie, how are you?

Bit quiet around here isn't it?!?!


----------



## Legolam

Too right! What happened to you over the summer? I thought you'd dropped off the face of the earth!


----------



## Merry

There's a Space Shuttle mission to the moon with 2 monkeys and a woman on
board.
Space command Houston calls:
"Monkey number 1, monkey number 1 come to the television screen."_ He sits
down and is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the
temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors.
So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases the oxygen.

A few moments later Ground Control calls again:
"Monkey number 2, monkey number 2 come to the television screen." He sits
down and he is told to add carbon dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel
injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to
analyse the solar radiation.

So the monkey does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen
and the analysis of solar radiation.

A little later on, headquarters call again:
"Woman, woman, please approach the screen." She sits down and just as she
is about to be told what to do she says......."I know, I know! Feed the
monkeys, dont touch anything."


----------



## Legolam

That's a good one, although I feel for the pride of females all over the world I should give you an official reprimand


----------



## Merry

> _Originally posted by Legolam _
> *Too right! What happened to you over the summer? I thought you'd dropped off the face of the earth!   *



My job changed around a bit, then we had a nightmare with the UK examination results so I've been busy with that, these past few months have been manic!!

How are you? Exams all finished?

Ps We may get told off for chatting here, may have to pm you.


----------



## Legolam

Already two steps ahead of you, my dear


----------



## Merry

*Clever girl!!*

One morning a woman finds her pet parrot lying stiff in his cage so she
takes it to the vets
The vet examines the parrot in the surgery and shakes his head
'I'm sorry but your parrot is dead' the vet tells her
The woman is very distressed ' he can't be dead he was just fine earlier, it
can't be right'

The vet leaves the room and a few minutes later returns with a Labrador, the
dog jumps up and puts his front paws on the table, he looks at the parrot
for a while and then at the vet and shakes his head, the vet leads the
Labrador out of the room

The vet comes back into the room with a cat, he places the cat onto the
table, the cat sniffs the parrot and then looks at the vet and shakes his
head, the vet takes the cat out of the room

The vet then returns and informs the woman that her parrot is indeed dead,
he then produces a bill for £120.00, the woman cries out '£120.00 to tell me
my parrot is dead that's ridiculous!!
The vet says 'well if you'd have just taken my word for it, the bill only
would have been £20.00.......................................
...............
..............
..............
..............
..............
.............
.............
.............
.............
..............
.............
.............
............
But what with the lab report and the cat scan'


----------



## Legolam

Ooooooooh, that one just hurt!


----------



## legoman

how many of these have you got merry, you been saving them up??


----------



## Merry

Martin is in the house, the crowd goes wild!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hello chum, how are you?


----------



## legoman

couldn't be better mate.
* the crowd quieten a little*
well obviously I could be better, but it would take a ball pool and an underwater camera - I don't even understand why I said that.


----------



## Goldberry344

i know jokes, but they're all in the way they're told, not the words, ya know...?

anyhow. 

whats brown and sticky??

a stick. hahaha. funny.


----------



## legoman

hehehe, yeah the classics,

whats green has four wheels and grows in fields:


grass, I lied about the wheels.

lol.


----------



## Legolas_lover12

oh, that's the most hilarious joke i've ever heard. i don't have any jokes right now but i'll be back if i find any.


----------



## Wolfshead

As we're going for some short jokes here...

What did Gepetto say to Pinochio when he caught him lying?

- Stop lying.

That's a damned good one!


----------



## legoman

two elephants fell of a cliff,
boom boom!!


----------



## Legolas_lover12

ok, a guys walks into bar 

................................

he gets drunk, he leaves, end of story


----------



## legoman

nice, this is one I heard when on a camp, it was funny then but no ones ever laughed at it since then, lets see:

An irishman is sat on the floor.

He fell off.


----------



## Legolas_lover12

hahahahahaha. that is kinda funny.


----------



## tookish-girl

Here's one:

What's large and white and wears yellow check pants?

Rupert the fridge.


----------



## Wolfshead

Guy walks into a bar

-Ouch!


----------



## Wolfshead

Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working so she calls a repairman. Since 
she has to go to work the next day, she tells him, "I'll leave the key 
under the mat. Fix the dish_washer, leave the bill on the counter, and 
I'll mail you the check. Oh, by the way, don't worry about my Bull Dog; 
he won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY 
circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

When the repairman arrives at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the next day, he 
discovers the biggest and meanest Bull Dog he has ever seen. But just as 
she said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go 
about his business.

The Parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant 
yelling, cursing, and name-calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain 
himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"


----------



## legoman

apparently some scientists have claimed this to be the funiest joke of all time, please note, I may not get it as funny as it was read to them:

These two men went hunting in a field, after some deer who had been seen in the area, they had some shot guns with them and they're walking along under some trees and one of them just drops dead, I guess it was his time or whatever, but basically this other guy panics and he's totally scared cos he doesn't know what to do, he's stuck in a forest with a dead guy. Then suddenly he remembers that the guy had a mobile phone so he goes up to him, you know trying to look away and stuff, and gets this phone out of his pocket. He rings up the emergency services 999/911 whatever applies to you. OK and he explains the situation to the guy on the other end of the line '... yeah and he just collapsed there under the tree.' The guy on the other end is sympathetic but has to make sure what hes dealing with so he asks 'can make you sure he's dead?', the hunter says hang on a sec, and puts the phone down. The emergency guy then hears a sort of ruffling and then two gun shots *bang bang*. 'Yeah he's dead' comes the reply.


hehe.


----------



## Wolfshead

Yeah, one of my mates was telling me about that, it was in the Daily Record or some other sleazy tabloid. I wouldn't have thought it was the funniest of all time though.

------------------

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing 
wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me 
terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and 
demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, 
"Now, just a minute, listen to my side of the story.

This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I 
went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, only to realize 
that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside." "I had 
to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I 
got a speeding ticket. When I was about three blocks from the store, 
I got a flat tire. When I finally got here, there was a bunch of 
people waiting for me to open up.

I got the store opened and started waiting on these people and, all 
the time, the damn phone was ringing off the hook." He continued, 
"Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register 
drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got 
down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels. The phone was 
still ringing. When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash 
drawer which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of 
perfume bottles on it. . . . all of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally 
got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a 
rectal thermometer. . . . "

"and believe me, mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell 
her."


----------



## Anamatar IV

i have so many great jokes but too dirty for this forum.


----------



## Wolfshead

Yeah, I know loads of them too. Unfortunately, we can't post them! Just gotta survive on regular, clean jokes then. But you've gotta push the rules to the limit


----------



## Anamatar IV

heres one.

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I
told my wife that I would be home by midnight ..promise!

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy.
At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just
as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up
and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed
another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a
quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible
conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told
her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got
away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked
her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three
times, then said "oh ****," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more,
and then farted."


----------



## Dragonblade

LMFAO!! That was hilarious Anamatar!!!

Here's one.

A father was helping a cow give birth to her calf. Once it was delivered the father turned around and saw his little boy standing at the mouth of the barn, jaw dropped, eyes wide. So the father says to himself 'Oh great, now I am going to have to explain this.' The father stands up and asks his son, 'Is there anything you would like to ask?"
"Just one," The boy says, "How fast was that calf going when it hit the cow?"


----------



## Legolam

Just a footnote to Legoman's "funniest joke of all time" post - the first time I was told that I got told they were Texan hunters ...

Also, the same study found that Germans are the funniest people in the world (as in they laughed the most) and that Americans like to laugh at other people.


----------



## Dragonblade

That explains why Kellivara and Elfprincess are always laughing at me, lol.

Here's another, I mean no offence to anyone blond, I'm a blond too and I think this joke is bloody hilarious.

Three women escaped from jail; two brunettes and a blond. The police are chasing after them. The three women find a farm and run into the barn where they find three potato sacks, so they climb into them. The police find the barn and go in and find the three potato sacks. One police officer kicks the first sack, which contains one of the brunettes.
"Woof!" 
So the officer says, "It's just a dog." So he goes over and kicks the next potato sack, which contains the other brunette.
"Meow!" 
The officer says, "It's just a harmless cat." He kicks the last potato sack, which contains the blond.
*whispering voice* "poootaaaatooooooos"


----------



## Wolfshead

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at 
a bar in a small town. 
He's going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big blonde 
woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "OK jerk, I've 
heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes 
you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person's physical 
attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like 
you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, 
of reaching my full potential as a person...because you and your kind 
continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women 
at large...all in the name of humor." 

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologise, when the blonde pipes 
up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little guy on your 
knee!"


----------



## Goldberry344

a horse walked into a bar and the bartender said "hey, why the long face?"

haha, funny.


----------



## Wolfshead

An old blacksmith realized he was soon going to quit working so hard. 
He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. 

The old fellow was crabby and exacting. "Don't ask me a lot of questions,"
he told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell you to do." 

One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on 
the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit 
it real good and hard." 

Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith....


----------



## Wolfshead

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a 
five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. 

Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like 
this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with 
my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. 

"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed 
one of the cows had something white at its rear end. 

"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was 
my wife's golf ball -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. 
That's when I made my mistake." 

"What did you do?" asks the doctor. 

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks 
like yours!'"


----------



## Legolas_lover12

hahahahahahahahahaha. that is funny!!!!!!!!!!!! this looks like yours *gasp* *snort*


----------



## Wolfshead

The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson. 

"Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor. 

"P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied. 

"Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a 
vain attempt to do the same thing."


----------



## Legolam

*Apparently the second funniest joke ...*

A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. 

His friend says: 'Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.' 

"The man then replies: 'Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.'"


----------



## Anamatar IV

so many golf jokes!


----------



## Wolfshead

*Not A Golf Joke*

In Italy, a man went to a priest and confessed. "Forgive me, Father," 
he said, sobbing. "During World War II, I hid a refugee in my attic." 

"Well," the priest replied, "that's not a sin." 

"But," the man admitted, "I made him pay rent." 

"That wasn't very nice," the priest said, "but you put yourself at risk." 

"Oh, thank you, Father." the man said. "But I have one more question." 

"What is it?" 

"Do you think I have to tell him the war is over...?"


----------



## Wolfshead

*You Should Probably Get Offline If*

You name your children Eudora, Hyperlink and dotcom. 

You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you 
just pulled the plug on a loved one. 

You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and 
your child in the overhead compartment. 

You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for 
the free Internet access. 

You laugh at people with 28.8-baud modems. 

You start using smileys in your snail mail. 

You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word 
processor.com 

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. 

You can't call your mother because she doesn't have a modem. 

You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again. 

You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are because 
they have neutral screen names and you never bothered to ask. 

You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape. 

You tell the cab driver you live at 
http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html 

After reading this joke, you immediately forward it to a thousand of 
your closest friends.


----------



## Dragonblade

Here's another one...Just a little warning though, just a little one.

A man was driving over a bridge, going faster than the speeding limit and just at the end of the bridge sat a police officer with a radar gun.
The cop pulls the man over and asks him why he was speeding.
The man replies that he is late for work, so the officer asks him what he does.
"I'm a rectum stretcher." The man answers.
"How do you do that?" The officer asks.
"Well first I start with one finger, then I work up until I have both my hands in and I stretch it until it's 6ft." The man answered.
"What the hell do you do with a 6ft asshole?"
"You put him at the end of a bridge and give him a radar gun."


----------



## Wolfshead

A blonde finds herself in dire trouble.
Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial 
straits.
She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray...
"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get
some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me 
win the
lotto."

Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it.
She again prays...
"God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my
house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays...
"My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my
house,and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask 
you for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. 
PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get 
my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens 
open and the blonde is confronted by the voice of God Himself...
"Sweetheart, work with Me on this. Buy a ticket


----------



## Legolam

No offense to Texans, I love y'all really! 

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do its own, entitled "Survivor-Texas Style". 
The contestants will start in Dallas, travel to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland, Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they'll proceed to Abilene, Ft. Worth, and finally back to Dallas. 
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads: "I'm gay, I'm a vegetarian, I voted for Al Gore, George Strait Sucks, Hillary in 2004, and I'm here to confiscate your guns!" 
The first one that makes it back to Dallas alive, wins


----------



## JanitorofAngmar

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle

of nowhere, the

following people are suddenly stranded by, as you

might expect, a shipwreck:



2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman



2 French men and 1 French woman



2 German men and 1 German woman



2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman



2 English men and 1 English woman



2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman



2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman



2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman



2 American men and 1 American woman



2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman



One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands 

in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:



One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian 

woman.



The two French men and the French woman are living happily 

together in a manage-a-trois.



The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating 

visits with the German woman.



The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman 

is cleaning and cooking for them.



The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the

endless ocean, and another

long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started

swimming.



The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting 

instructions.



The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a 

restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order 

to supply employees for

their stores.



The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide 

because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her

body; the true nature

of feminism; how she can do everything they can do;

the necessity of

fulfillment; the equal division of household chores;

how sand and palm trees

make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected

her opinion and treated

her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her

mother is improving

and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't

raining.



The two Irish men have divided the island into North

and South and set up a

distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the

picture because it gets

sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whisky. But 

they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having

any fun.


(this one's fer Wonks
The two English men are waiting for someone to

introduce them to the

English woman.


----------



## Wolfshead

Now that I'm back from holiday I can put in some more jokes!

----------------------

A man requested a female blonde painter to paint him in the nude. 
"No" the talented blonde artist said. "I don"t do that sort of 
thing. 

"I"ll increase your fee two times," he said. 

"No, no thanks!!" 

"I"ll give five times as much as you normally get." 

Okay, said the artist, "but you have to let me at least wear my 
socks. I need somewhere to place my brushes."


----------



## Wolfshead

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed 
away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying 
the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring 
the casket. 

They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the 
woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then 
dies. 

Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall-
bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the 
casket towards the door, the husband cries out: "Watch that wall!"


----------



## Wolfshead

This guy goes to a Halloween party with a girl on his back. 
"What the heck are you?" asks the host. 
"I'm a snail," says the guy. 
"But... you have a girl on your back," replies the host. 
"Yeah, he says, "that's Michelle!"


----------



## Wolfshead

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one
of her kindergarten students put on his boots? He
asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling
and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on.

When the second boot was on, she had worked up
a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy
said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked
and sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it
was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as
together they worked to get the boots back on-
this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These
aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his
face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted
to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the 
ill-fitting boots off. He then said, "They're my brother's 
boots. My Mom made me wear them."

She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She
mustered up the grace and courage she had left to
wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said,
"Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed them
in the toes of my boots..."

Her trial starts next month.


----------



## Wolfshead

A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel. The new bride is 
concerned and asked, "What if the place is still bugged?" 
The groom says "Hmm... Good point. I'll look for a bug." 

He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug...
"AHA!" he shouts! Sure enough, under the rug was a small disc 
shaped plate, with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, 
unscrews the screws, throws them and the plate out the window. 

The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds "How was 
your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate 
Hotel?" Curious, the groom says, "And why, sir, are you asking
me all of these questions?" 

The hotel manager says "Well, the room UNDER yours complained of 
the chandelier falling on them!"


----------



## Wolfshead

The best beer drinking story ever? _Quite probably not, but that's what the joke says..._ 

From the State where drink driving is considered a sport,comes a true 
story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland. Recently a routine police 
patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern. Late in the 
evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that 
he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few 
minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an 
eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to 
find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as 
a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he 
started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry 
night), flicked the indicators on and off, tooted the horn and then 
switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, 
reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes 
as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the 
car park and started to drive slowly down ! the road. The police officer, 
having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, 
put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried 
out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated 
no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, 
the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police 
station this Breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," 
said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

-------------------

And another because I'm in a good mood  

-------------------

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie
comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant 
three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" 
says the admin clerk."I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, 
without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to 
be in Hawaii,relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an 
endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's 
gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 
"I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of story: always let your boss have the first say.


----------



## Wolfshead

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those 
bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE.

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a 
peeing section in a swimming pool?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean 
that 1 enjoys it?

------------------

Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, 
an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a Rochester 
hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the 
hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the 
parking lot. 

The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 
number and get an ambulance?" 

The lady said, "My phone doesn't have an eleven."

------------------

*If anyone else has some jokes, feel free to post them, I won't kill you or anything!*


----------



## Legolam

Ah, but you're so amusing we thought we'd just let you natter on...  

Here's a lame one:
What should you do if you meet a hard of hearing, jaundiced, yet laid-back male cellist? 
Bellow "Hello, yellow, mellow cello fellow".


----------



## Wolfshead

Yes, you're right, a lame one  Yes, I know I'm amusing, but I thought it'd be nice to know someone was actually reading them


----------



## Legolam

Of course I read them! I sit here in the Computer lab at Uni and giggle inanely at them whilst people sit and stare at me  . By the way, where do you find all of these jokes? Either you spend alot of time searching on the Internet (and are therefore very sad  ) or you're just a very funny guy


----------



## Wolfshead

Well, I am a very funny guy anyway  But I'll admit to just copying the jokes from a joke mailing list I'm on for the benefit of Tolkien lovers everywhere


----------



## Wolfshead

*You Know Your Cow Has Mad Cow Disease...*

Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne. 
She refuses to let you milk her, saying "Not on the first date." 
Your cow takes up painting and wants to wear an earring. 
Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder. 
Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body. 
Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Archs Logo'. 
Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred. 
Your cow insists evaporated milk comes from thirsty cows. 


Your cow quits the family dairy business and applies for a job at 
Burger King.
She starts giving you Milk of Amnesia. 
Your cow joins the Hell's Angels because, hey, it already has
a cool leather jacket.
Your cow starts smoking grass rather than eating it. 
Your cow spends half the day sitting in the Lotus Position 
chanting "MOO" backwards. 
Your cow insists that it can give you chocolate milk if you started
feeding it Hershey bars. 
Your cow asks you to brand it again but only if you'll 
wear something sexy this time. 


Your cow purposely blinds itself with a dart and yells "Bullseye"! 
Your cow insists Milk Duds are the result of stupid cows.
Your cow starts laughing hysterically until milk spurts out its nose.
You find your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago. 
Your cow keeps wanting to chew other cows cuds. 
Your cow believes it could really jump over the moon like in 
the nursery rhyme if it had a really good run at it.


----------



## Frodorocks

A man walks into a bar. Ow


----------



## Wolfshead

Frodorocks, are you sure that 'un ain't somewhere in the first 6 pages?  I'm sure I've used it somewhere around recently!


----------



## Frodorocks

I'll go look. Ok I'm back now. Did ya miss me?
 Ok all right, you did say that one. Iwas reading all of the jokes backwards and haddn't gotten to that one yet.


----------



## Wolfshead

Miss you? No, not really  

--------------

A psychology student was to help a professor in conducting a personality
test. The room was set up with various props in order to move through
the assessment quickly. The first person to enter the room started
through the test.

"How does this glass of water look to you?"
Person 1: It is half empty.
Student writes 'pessimist' in his report.

Person 2 enters the room. "How does this glass of water look to you?"

Person 2: It is half full.
Student writes 'optimist' in his report.

Person 3 enters the room. "How does this glass of water look to you?"

Person 3: Looks like you have twice as much glass as you need there.

The student looks totally blank and goes to consult with the professor.

"Oh them!", the professor says, "I forgot to warn you about the
engineers! They have no personality."


----------



## Wolfshead

A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.

"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

"Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes 
and at the man's feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk says.

"Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." 

-------------------

FUN STUFF TO DO IN COURT:

1. Bring a cell phone and order a pizza when the
judge starts talking.

2. Bring a zip-lock bag full of grapes and launch
a few at the defendant when the judge isn't
looking.

3. Giggle uncontrollably when they show the
evidence, if any blood is present.

4. If they ever bring up the possibility of an
accomplice, duck your head and quiver.

5. Stand up and yell, "OBJECTION!" to everything
the judge says. EVERYTHING.

6. If you're the defendant, wait until the judge
starts talking about you. Proceed to hide under
your table.

7. If anybody attempts to communicate with you in
any way, stare off into space and blow spit
bubbles.

8. Sing "The Song That Never Ends" incessantly.

9. Get the judge to look at you. Lick your lips
and motion that you'll "call him."

10. Actually call him.

11. Bring a kazoo.

12. Act like you're doing something important,
and ask them to "keep it down."

13. Every time the judge uses the gavel, keel
over backwards and act like you've been shot.

14. Bring a Gameboy and leave the volume at full.

15. Wait until everybody is completely focused on
the trial, then blow a referee's whistle as loud
as you can.
Point to the person next to you and tell him to
"stop it!"

16. Pretend you turn into a pig when you get wet.

Douse yourself in cold water and act like one.

17. Call the judge a wuss when he issues the
death penalty.
When he accuses you of contempt of the court,
look puzzled and ask him what it means. When he
answers, object.

18. Dress up like Santa Claus

19. Drink all of your lawyer's water, then ask
for more.
Then ask to go to the bathroom.

20. Hiccup every time somebody says the word
"the."

21. Change your plea every five minutes.

22. If you're the judge, call the defendant the
plaintiff, the plaintiff a lawyer, the witness a
juror, and the jurors defendants. Call the
lawyers "Barney."

23. Gurgle into the microphone.

24. Complain aloud about that nasty wedgie you
have, then take a poll of others in the audience
if they too have a nasty wedgie.

25. If in traffic court, when asked to stand,
walk over to the judge and issue him a parking
ticket on his desk.


----------



## Wolfshead

It's not just the stock market that's been telegraphing "trouble" 
about the economy. The price of thoroughbreds has matched Wall 
Street's gyrations. Yearlings that sold for an average of $27,295 
in 1994 were fetching $54,506 in 2000. But recent sales have seen 
20 percent declines from a year ago.

Moral: If you invest in horses, don't expect stable prices. 

-----------------

TOP 7 SIGNS YOUR PASTOR NEEDS A VACATION
--------------------------------------------

7. His first words to the congregation on Sunday morning
are "All right, listen up you heathens..."

6. He falls asleep during his own sermon.

5. He shows up for Sunday service wearing Bermuda Shorts and a
Tank Top.

4. Every time his pager goes off, he shouts, "Why can't they
just leave me alone?!"

3. Announces baptismal services will be at the Grand Canyon.

2. You go to his office for counseling and pour your heart out
to him and he says, "Sounds like a personal problem to me."

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOUR PASTOR NEEDS A VACATION

1. For the past two months he has preached the same sermon every Sunday.


----------



## Legolam

The CIA needs to hire a new agent and lines up three applicants for interviews. 

The first applicant gets great marks on the interview and then says:" Your wife is in the other room. To get this job you'll have to take this gun, go in there and shoot her". The applicant says:"You're crazy. We just got married and I love the woman" and stormed out. 

The second applicant also has a great interview and to the request about shooting his wife says: "You're nuts. We've been married 15 years, have three lovely children and I love the woman" and stormed out. 

The third applicant also has a great interview and when asked to shoot his wife, pauses a bit, picks up the gun, goes into the room and closes the door. After a few seconds gunshots were heard and then nothing. And then the sound of furniture and lamps being tossed around. About a minute later, he walks out looking dishevelled. The agent asked him what the hell went on in there and the applicant answered:" It turns out the gun was loaded with blanks so I had to beat her to death with a chair!"


----------



## Wolfshead

Pah, heard it before, haven't you got anything original?   

As for me, I don't... just now.


----------



## Legolam

Well fine then! I'll have to try harder ....

The Five Secrets to a Good Relationship 

1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, occasionally cooks and cleans, and who has a job. 

2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh. 

3. It is important to find a man who is dependable and doesn't lie. 

4. It is important to find a man who's good in bed 

5. It is extremely important that these four men never meet.


----------



## Wolfshead

I'm beginning to think I've heard all the worlds funny jokes... I've even heard that one you just put in, Legolam, to which, funnily enough, I'm not laughing at  

Even my supply is just churning out awful ones now  

A patient tells his psychiatrist, "Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.". The shrink replies, "Come now, pull yourself together."

--------------

New Medicines Now Available 
St . Mom's Wort

Plant extract that treats mom's depression
by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

EmptyNestrogen

Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy
by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as
teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

Peptobimbo

Liquid silicone for single women.
Two full cups swallowed before an evening out
increases breast size, decreases intelligence and improves flirting. 

Dumerol

When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause
dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.

Flipitor

Increases life expectancy of commuters by
controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Anti-boy-otics

When administered to teenage girls, is highly
effective in improving grades, freeing up phone
lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.

Menicillin

Potent antiboyotic for older women.
Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want
to be a better person .......can we get naked now?"

Buyagra

Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping.
Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-One-All

When combined with Buyagra, can cause an
indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim
may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD
or a book by Dr. Laura.

JackAsspirin

Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't
remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

Anti-talksident

A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone
too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

Sexcedrin

Bedroom aerosol spray for men.
More effective than Excedrin in treating the,
"Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.

Ragamet

When administered to a husband, provides the
same irritation as ragging on him all weekend,
saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

<<< N O T I C E >>> 

Always consult your family physician before taking new medication


----------



## Frodorocks

Three blondes were walking down a beach and they found a bottle. A genie came out of the bottle and said, "You each may have 1 wish." The first blonde said, " I don't like to be a blonde, I want to be 50% smarter." The genie turned her into a red head. The second blonde said, "I don't like being a blonde, I want to be 100% smarter." The genie turned her into a brunette. The third blonde said, "I like being a blonde, I want to be 100% dumber." The genie turned her into a man.


----------



## legoman

permission to rip that joke apart... permission granted:

If blondes are as you seem to claim dumb, therefore theorectically they have no intelligance, you know just as a basic model.
OK now 50% away from blonde is what - brown?
and 100%away from blonde would be what - black?
Therefore:

50% of 0 = 0 - from blonde to brown 
100% of 0 = 0 - from blonde to black 
100% less than 0 = 0 - from blonde to male.

so therefor as intelligence goes... 
blonde women = 0
brown women = 0
black women = 0
men = 0

so then we're all just plain stupid... (except for ginger women!)


----------



## Wolfshead

Legoman, perhaps we should just hit them with loads of blonde jokes?  

---------------

On a special teacher's day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving 
gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She 
shooked it, held it over her head, and said, "I bet I know what 
it is - flowers!"

"That's right!" said the boy, "but how did you know?"

"Just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher 
held her gift overhead, shooked it, and said, "I bet I can guess 
what it is - a box of candy!"

"That's right! But how did you know?" asked the girl.

"Just a lucky guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher 
held the bag over her head and noticed that it was leaking. She 
touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and tasted it. "Is 
it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied.

The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the 
leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied.

The teacher then said, "I give up, what is it?" 

The boy replied, "A puppy!"

--------------------

A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap 
on his shoulder and a man handed him a card that read "I am mute. 
I am not able to speak. May I play through, please?"

The first man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that 
"No, he may not play through, and that his handicap did not give 
him such a right." He whacked the ball onto the green and left 
to finish the hole.

Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in 
the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold. When he came to 
a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the mute sternly 
looking at him, holding up 4 fingers.


----------



## legoman

I like the way the teacher didn't shake the box with the puppy in, would that have made it animal cruelty??

hmm, blond jokes, I dunno, thats a bit prejudice, still I did read a good one today, I hope this hasn't been posted already, I'm sure I havent read all of this thread:

A blonde walked into an electronics store and told the salesman,
"I want that T.V." and she points to the display.

He looks at her and tells her, "I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to
sell that to blondes." So the blonde, all ticked off, walks out
of the store.

An hour later, she walks back into the same store with a black
wig on. She walks up to the salesman and says, "I want to buy
that T.V." and she points to the display.

He looks at her and said, "I'm sorry, but I already told you we
can't sell that to blondes." So she walks out of the store mad
again without a T.V.

A few weeks later she gets a makeover, new hair color and
everything, and she walks back into that electronics store. She
walks up to the salesman and says, "I want to buy that T.V." and
points to the display.

The salesman shakes his head and tells her, "I told you twice
already, I can't sell that to blondes."

The blonde looks at him and says, "How do you know that I'm a
blonde?"

He looks at her and states, "Because, that's a microwave."


----------



## Wolfshead

There was a very funny one I came across today, but unfortunately, the Mods would lynch me if I posted it, so I won't. It's irritating how the best jokes aren't suitable for kids...

-----------------

Weary of constantly picking clothes up from the floor of her son's 
room, a mother finally laid down the law: each item of clothing she 
had to pick up would cost her son 25 cents. By the end of the week, 
he owed her $1.50. She received the money promptly, along with a 50-
cent tip and a note that read, "Thanks, Mom; keep up the good work!"

-----------------

Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom:
"Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit." 
Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:
"Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother." 

-------------------

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer? 

A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it. 

----------------

Haha, hitting back with sexist jokes, mwuhahaha


----------



## Wolfshead

*Top Ten Quotes On Marriage*

1. The last fight we had was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!" 

2. In the beginning God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then neither God nor man has rested. 

3. My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog. 

4. Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mother-in-laws.

5. Young son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son. 

6. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. 

7. How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free. 

8. If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. 

9. Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late." 

10. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they look beautiful.


----------



## Frodorocks

I don't really think that blondes are dumb, but if I did, brunettes are smarter in my joke because I am a brunette and I am the smartest of all!


----------



## Dragonblade

ANSWERING MACHINE AT THE MENTAL HOSPITAL
Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until
a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone
number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden
name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 000.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or
before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy
to talk to you.
If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down & cry. You
won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just screw it up.


----------



## Dragonblade

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. 
The very next year, the Wongs have a new baby. 
The nurse brings them over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, definitely Caucasian, white baby boy. 
"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents. 
"What will you name the baby?" 
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "Well, two Wongs don't make a white, so I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong." 

---------------
I know some other funny jokes, but if they have to be suitable for children, I think the mods might get a little peeved, and I don't need more warning points.


----------



## Wolfshead

Two Blondes waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation, "How'd 
you die?" the first blonde asked the second. 

"I froze to death," says the second. 

"That's awful" says the first blonde. "How does it feel to freeze to 
death?" 

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You get the 
shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, 
it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as 
if you're sleeping.". 

How about you, how did you die?" asked the second blonde. "I had a heart 
attack," says the first blonde. "You see I knew my husband was cheating 
on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the 
bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no 
one was hiding there either. I ran to the second floor, but no one was 
hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as 
I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." 

The second blonde shakes her head. "What a pity, if you had only looked 
in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."


----------



## Wolfshead

Here's a nice long edition now, seeing as I haven't posted any for a while, I've built up quite a large back-catalogue  

--------------

Two men working in a facory were talking. "I know how to get some 
time off," said one. 

"How are you going to do that?" 

"Watch," he said, and climbed up on a rafter. The foreman asked what 
he was doing up there, and the man replied. "I'm a lightbulb." 

"I think you need some time off," the foreman said said, and the 
first man walked out of the factory. After a moment, the second 
man followed him. 

"Where do you think you're going?" the foreman shouted. 

"I can't work in the dark," he said. 

----------------

The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and 
International Studies report on "Global Organized Crime." The author 
who introduced the story swears it's true. 

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego 
that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours 
of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had 
worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation 
called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick 
dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation 
took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping 
all conversations at the hospital. 

Agent: Hello. I'd like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda. 

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered? 

Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital. 

Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital? 

Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent. 

Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent? 

Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is. 

Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital? 

Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front 
doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back 
to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas. 

Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents? 

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here? 

Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent? 

Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving. 

Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this? 

Agent: I have my checkbook right here. 

Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents? 

Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember 
to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? 
We have the front doors locked. 

Pizza Man: I don't think so. 

CLICK. 

------------------

Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell 
out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled 
him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had 
seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and 
recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks. 
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still 
going to have to write you a ticket." 

Amazed, the driver asked for what. 

The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion." 

-----------------

An elderly couple, Minnie and Max, sit down to their Thanksgiving dinner. 
Before eating, his wife speaks up. "Can I ask you a question, Max?" 
"Sure Minnie," Max says, waiting to dig into his meal. 

"Has our 50 years of marriage made you grateful?" 

"Yes, indeed!" Max replied. "For the twenty years I was a bachelor!" 

-----------------

A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog pipes 
up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll hang out 
with you for a week". The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the 
frog in his pocket. 
A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll be your
girlfriend for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his 
pocket. 

A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll be your 
girlfriend for a whole year!". The programmer smiles and walks on. 

Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised lots of 
fun with a beautiful princess for a whole year and you won't even kiss 
a frog?" 

"I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for girls.... But a 
talking frog is pretty neat."

----------------------

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says 
here that you should be wearing glasses." 
The woman answered "Well, I have contacts." 

The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"


----------



## Wolfshead

*The Cat's Diary*

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling 
objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry 
cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and 
the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of 
furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their 
feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the 
top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile 
oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite 
chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep 
depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, 
in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to 
strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about 
what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan ......

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good 
reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it 
included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds
could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb 
still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was 
placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise 
and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More 
importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of 
"allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe 
snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy 
to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand 
has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue 
(something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am 
certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the 
metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter 
of time.


----------



## Wolfshead

And just a side note, we've hit 100 replies and 600 views  

Yay for the Jokes thread!


----------



## Wolfshead

Benny and Mark were at the bar chatting about how much their wives thought of
them. Mark said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any
work around the house. It's great!" 
Not to be out done, Benny said, "That's nothing. My wife simply worships me..." 

Confused Mark asked, "She worships you? C'mon, what makes you say that?" 

"Easy. Every night she places a burnt offering before me."

-------------------

12 Step Program of Recovery for Web Addicts
--------------------------------------------
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER 
newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one 
hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and 
plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends 
and family that are Web-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

7) I will read a book... if I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling 
them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it 
is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to
balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed 
sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!


----------



## Froggum

Forgive me if this joke is a bit too gross for the forum...
-------------------------

So this guy goes to the doctor to get some Viagra. THe doctor writes up the perscription, but he tells the patient, "Avoid taking laxatives while you're on Viarga." Naturally the guy wondered why, so he asked the doctor and the doctor said, "Because you won't know whether you're coming or going."
------------------------
Please don't get mad at me! I thought it was funny!


----------



## Wolfshead

Yeah, funny, dunno what the Mods'll think though...

This is about Bill Gates (or as my computing teacher would call him, Uncle Bill) new child.

----------------

For the first time in, oh, a decade, I think, something from Microsoft 
shipped on time: Jennifer Katharine Gates, weighed 8 pounds 6 ounces 
when she was downloaded, er, born on Friday, April 26 at 6: 11pm.

And what do Baby Gates and Daddy's products have in common?

1. Neither can stand on its own two feet without a LOT of third 
party support.

2. Both barf all over themselves regularly.

3. Regardless of the problem, calling Microsoft Tech Support won't 
help.

4. As they mature, we pray that they will be better than that which 
preceded them.

5. At first release they're relatively compact, but they seem to grow 
and grow and grow with each passing year.

6. Although announced with great fanfare, pretty much anyone could 
have produced one.

7. They arrive in shaky condition with inadequate documentation.

8. No matter what, it takes several months between the announcement 
and the actual release.

9. Bill gets the credit but someone else did most of the work.

10. For at least the next year, they'll suck.


----------



## Wolfshead

*The Perfect Couple*

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to 
help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon 
they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. 
The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?

Scroll down for the answer...



The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.

Men keep'a scrollin'...









So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.


----------



## Frodorocks

Of course we don't


----------



## Wolfshead

*Supermodels*

It's hard to be a Supermodel as evidenced by the following actual 
quotes from some of today's hardest-working and best-known supermodels. 

We've come a long way from Oscar Wilde and Mark Twain...

ON COURAGE "They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit 
and I thought, Oh my God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman 
hates herself from behind."-- Cindy Crawford

ON SELF-KNOWLEDGE "Everywhere I went, my cleavage followed. But I 
learned I am not my cleavage." -- Carole Mallory

ON POVERTY "Everyone should have enough money to get plastic 
surgery." -- Beverly Johnson

ON FATE "I wish my butt did not go sideways, but I guess I have 
to face that."-- Christie Brinkley

ON PSYCHOLOGY "I loved making 'Rising Sun'. I got into the psychology 
of why she liked to get strangled and tied up in plastic bags. It 
has to do with low self-worth." -- Tatjana Patitz

ON ARRIVING "Because modeling is lucrative, I'm able to save up and 
be more particular about the acting roles I take." -- Kathy Ireland, 
star of 'Alien From L.A.' and 'Danger Island' > 

ON CAREER CHOICES 
"My boyfriend thinks I lost my true calling to be a librarian."
-- Paulina Porizkova

ON PRIORITIES "I would rather exercise than read a newspaper." 
-- Kim Alexis

ON GEOPOLITICS "Mick Jagger and I just really liked each other 
a lot. We talked all night. We had the same views on nuclear 
disarmament."-- Jerry Hall

ON INNER STRENGTH "I love the confidence that makeup gives me." 
-- Tyra Banks

ON DEATH "Richard doesn't really like me to kill bugs, but sometimes 
I can't help it."-- Cindy Crawford

ON TRAVEL "I haven't seen the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, the Louvre. 
I haven't seen anything. I don't really care." -- Tyra Banks

ON BREAKTHROUGHS "Once I got past my anger toward my mother, I began 
to excel in volleyball and modeling." -- Gabrielle Reece

ON EPIPHANY "I just found out that I'm one inch taller than I thought." 
--Christie Brinkley

ON HEREDITY "My husband was just OK looking. I was in labor and I 
said to him, 'What if she's ugly? You're ugly.'" -- Beverly Johnson

ON THE BASICS "It's very important to have the right clothing to 
exercise in. If you throw on an old T-shirt or sweats, it's not 
inspiring for your workout."-- Cheryl Tiegs

ON INTRODUCTIONS "I think most people are curious about what it 
would be like to be able to meet yourself -- it's eerie." 
-- Christy Turlington

ON COURTSHIP "The soundtrack to 'Indecent Exposure' is a romantic
mix of music that I know most women love to hear, so I never keep 
it far from me when women are nearby." -- Fabio

ON PARADOX "Sometimes I get lonely, but it's nice to be alone." 
-- Tatjana Patitz

ON THE CONSERVATION OF MATTER "I've looked in the mirror every 
day for 20 years. It's the same face."-- Claudia Schiffer

ON TRAGEDY "The worst was when my skirt fell down to my ankles 
-- but I had on thick tights underneath." -- Naomi Campbell

ON INSTINCT "If I'm making a movie and get hungry, I call time-out 
and eat some crackers."-- Carol Alt

ON THE CASTE SYSTEM "We're not Prince Charles and Princess Di. We 
don't think of ourselves as royalty. We happen to be working people."
-- Christie Brinkley

ON OCCUPATIONAL HAZARDS "I tried on 250 bathing suits in one afternoon 
and ended up having little scabs up and down my thighs, probably from 
some of those with sequins all over them." -- Cindy Crawford

ON ECONOMICS "I don't wake up for less than $10, 000 a day." 
-- Linda Evangelista

ON ZEN "When I model I pretty blank. You can't think too much or 
it doesn't work."-- Paulina Porizkova

ON LOGIC "I think, If my butt's not too big for them to be 
photographing it, then it shouldn't be too big for me." 
-- Christy Turlington

ON BODY PARTS "I don't know what to do with my arms. It just makes 
me feel weird and I feel like people are looking at me and that 
makes me nervous." -- Tyra Banks

ON BODY LANGUAGE "You can usually tell when I'm happy by the fact 
that I've gained weight."-- Christy Turlington

ON DEPRIVATION "If they had Nautilus on the Concorde, I would work 
out all the time."-- Linda Evangelista

ON MOTIVATION "It was kind of boring for me to have to eat. I would 
know that I had to, and I would." -- Kate Moss

ON VERSATILITY "I can do anything you want me to do so long as I don't 
have to speak."-- Linda Evangelista

ON THE GRIEF PROCESS "When my Azzedine jacket from 1987 died, I wrapped 
it up in a box, attached a note saying where it came from and took it 
to the Salvation Army. It was a big loss." -- Veronica Webb

ON VENGEANCE "Girls are always getting mad at each other and they 
tell their hairdresser to purposely mess up another girl's hair."
-- Tasha

ON BATTING .667 "I'm a pretty girl who's a model who doesn't suck 
as an actress."-- Cameron Diaz


----------



## Aerin

A man walks into a toystore to buy a present for his daughter for her birthday. He goes to the Barbie aisle, and looks at the different prices.

Princess Barbie: $13.95

Vacation Barbie: $13.95

Party Barbie: $13.95

Divorce Barbie: $499.95

Startled, the man asks a clerk why Divorce Barbie is so much more expensive than the others.

"Well," the clerk replies, "Divorce Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's trailer, Ken's motorcycle...."


----------



## Wolfshead

*Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart*

50 degrees Fahrenheit (10 C): Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Canadians plant gardens.

35 Fahrenheit (1.6 C): Italian cars won't start.
Canadians drive with the windows down.

32 Fahrenheit (0 C): American water freezes.
Canadian water gets thicker.

0 Fahrenheit (-17.9 C): New York City landlords finally turn on the
heat.
Canadians have the last cookout of the season.

-60 Fahrenheit (-51 C): Mt. St. Helens freezes.
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

-100 Fahrenheit (-73 C): Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadians pull down their ear flaps.

-173 Fahrenheit (-114 C) Ethyl alcohol Freezes.
Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

-460 Fahrenheit (-273 C) Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"

-500 Fahrenheit (-295 C): Hell freezes over.
The Leafs win the Stanley Cup.


----------



## Wolfshead

*The Rudolph Song*

Once upon a time there was a king in Lapland called Rudolph. He 
had bright ginger hair so his people called him Rudolph the Red.

Now Rudolph the Red was bad-tempered and argued a lot. He gave his 
poor wife, Gertrude the Green, a terrible time. No matter what she 
said he had to argue.

One winter's day Gertrude the Green looked out of the palace window 
and said, 'Oh dear, it's snowing again. You'll have to clear the 
footpath before mother comes to tea.'

'Humph!' Rudolph the Red grunted. He didn't fancy shifting snow 
and he didn't want Gertrude the Green's mother coming to tea.

'That's not snow. It's rain!' he argued.
'But it's white and fluffy and drifting,' Gertrude the Green tried 
to tell him.
Rudolph the Red hid behind his newspaper and snapped, 'It's rain!'
Gertrude the Green became quite angry. 'Gertrude the Green knows 
snow, darling!'
'Yes,' retorted her husband. 'And Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!'

'What a great title for a song!' Gertrude the Green exclaimed.


----------



## Wolfshead

*Why the angel is on top of the tree*

Not long ago and not far away Santa was getting ready for his annual 
trip...but there were problems every where... four of the elves got 
sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the 
regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being 
behind schedule....then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mum was coming 
to visit... 

This stressed Santa even more...when he went to harness the reindeer 
he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped 
the fence and were out heaven knows where...more stress. 

And then, when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards on the 
sleigh cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered all 
the toys...so, frustrated Santa went into the house for a cup of 
coffee and a shot of whiskey...but he found that the elves had hit 
the liquor cupboard and there was nothing there to drink...and in 
his frustration he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds 
of little pieces all over the kitchen floor... he went to get the 
broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. 

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door .
he opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big 
Christmas tree. And the angel said: Santa, where would you like to 
put this Christmas tree?? 

And that, my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of 
the Christmas tree...


----------



## Gary Gamgee

Did anyone read about that midget psychic tarot reader who ran away from the circus. Headlines where...

SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE


----------



## Wolfshead

*What to give an optimist & pessimist for Christmas*

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was 
their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was 
too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the 
volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an 
eternal optimist, the other a doom & gloom pessimist. 

Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father 
loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. 
The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure. 

That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found 
him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly. 

"Why are you crying?" the father asked. 

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these 
instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll 
constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." 
answered the pessimist twin. 

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for 
joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked. 

To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in 
here somewhere!"


----------



## Frodorocks

This isn't really a joke, but I thought it was funny. It comes from a real "Worst Case Scenario" game card.
How To React When Caught In A Crowd.
A. Tense your arms and fold them over your stomache as if you are carrying something. Allow yourself to be carried by the crowd.
B. Drop to the floor, sheild your face and cover the back of your neck with your hands. 
C. Keep your knees locked and your arms extended over your head. Be flexible, and go with the flow as much as possible.
Can you imagine some person in a mall the day after Thanksgiving looking around, screaming, and diving to the floor? I'd step on him. By the way, the correct answer is A.


----------



## Aerin

The Norse god of thunder, Thor, rode into a town. Getting off his horse, he yelled out, "I am Thor!"
His horse turned to look at him, and said, "That's because you forgot your thaddle, thilly."


----------



## Wolfshead

*A great fruit cake recipie*

You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, 
four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking 
soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, 
nuts, and a bottle of whisky.

Sample the whisky to check for quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the 
highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on 
the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. 
Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the 
mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup 
of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck 
in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups 
of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the 
lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or 
something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to 
beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the 
whisky again and go to bed.


----------



## Frodorocks

There was this girl that was a prostitute who lived with her grandmother. The girl really didn't want the proper old lady to know about her occupation.
One day there was a police raid on the brothel and the police told all of the prostitutes to line up in a straight line on the side of the road. Suddenly, the girl's grandmother mother walked around the corner. The girl tried to hide, but it was too late, the old lady saw her and walked over.
"What are you doing?" she asked "We're umm, ummm, waiting to get oranges." the girl replied. "Oh, Okay, I'll wait with you." the old lady decided.
When a young policeman saw the old lady he was shocked. "But you're so old, how do you do it?" he asked
"Oh, it's easy sonny! I just take out my dentures and suck 'em dry."


----------



## Wolfshead

Oh, god that's awful  No, please, not more like that, it's too much to think about *shudders*

Well, seeing as Rockie has ressurected this thread from the ashes, I may as well start posting again  

------------------------------

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. 

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.


----------



## lossenandunewen

I'm definately getting warning points for this one lol

This guy was at the hospital, his wife had just had a baby.. He rushed in and said "Nurse! Nurse! My wife just had a baby! can I see it?" And the nurse said "Sure! Follow me!" so she led him up to the glass window where you see all the babies in their baskets, she walks in a points to one. "Aww" The guy thinks, but then the nurse picks it up and starts slamming it against the wall and the ground.. The father starts freaking out and he runs into the room.. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!??!" he yelled


"APRIL FOOLS! It was already dead."


----------



## Frodorocks

For some reason whenever I tell guys that joke, they all react the same way. Whenever I tell girls the same joke, it goes to the top of their best jokes list. 
A guy walked into a bar carrying a little 12 inch midget. He was a little drunk, so when he told people that the midget was a pianist, nobody believed him. So the guy set the midget down at the piano and the midget started to play. Some guy walked up to the guy with the midget and was like, "Hey, he's pretty good, where did you find him?" "In the dumpster in the alley out back is a red bottle, rub the bottle and a genie will come out. He'll give you one wish." The man replied. So the other guy went out into the alley, jumped into the dumpster, and found the bottle. Sure enough, a genie came out. "I will give you one wish, for whatever you want." The genie announced. The man thought, and finally, he made up his mind. "I want a million bucks!" he declared with a slur in his voice. ( he too was a little drunk) Suddenly, a huge flock of ducks flew over, scattering their droppings all over him. This really ticked the guy off. He ran into the bar, grabbed the guy with the pianist buy the collar, and demanded to know why the genie had given him a million ducks instead of a million bucks. "Hey, you don't think I asked for a 12 inch pianist, do you?"


----------



## Wolfshead

This one's great!

-----------------------------

A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?" 

The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!" 

Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."


----------



## spirit

heee hee hee
these r good


----------



## Wolfshead

Ha, some people are so slow! I was told this one by one of my teachers about 3 years ago 

-----------------------------

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class.

"In English," he explained, "a double negative forms a positive. In
some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative."

"However," the professor continued, "there is no language wherein a
double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up. "Yeah, right."


----------



## Wolfshead

We seem to have died again. Oh well, revitalisation number 2...

----------------------

A Scotsman was visiting a friend in the North Woods of Canada, 
both liked to hunt. They were hunting for deer, when all of a 
sudden, a moose popped up in front of them. It was so unexpected, 
neither of them had a chance to fire. The Scotsman was shaken. 
"Hoot mon, wit in blazes was that?!" 
"That was a moose", the Canadian replied. 
"What are ye saying, lad? A moose? Good Lord, I'd hate to see 
yer rats!"


----------



## Wolfshead

*Ressurects thread for the third time...* But I had to post this one 

--------------------------->>>>

The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared 
four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct 
the first day's mistake. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------

MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. 
Pbone 948-0707 after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives 
with him cheap. 

TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. 
It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 
and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M." 

WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received 
several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in 
the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: 
"For sale -- R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. 
Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him." 

THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. 
I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. 
I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my 
housekeeper but she quit!


----------



## Zale

REMOVED


----------



## Wolfshead

Not in reference to any friend of mine - the joke is pasted from elsewhere...

-------------

While waiting in line at the bank, a co-worker developed a very loud 
case of hiccups. By the time he reached the teller's window, the 
hiccups seemed to have worsened. The teller took my friend's check 
and proceeded to run a computer verification of his account. After 
a minute she looked up from her terminal with a frown and said that 
she would be unable to cash his check. 

"Why not?" my friend asked incredulously. 

"I'm sorry, sir," she replied, "but our computer indicates that you 
do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount. As a matter of 
fact," she continued, "our records show your account overdrawn in 
excess of $5000." 

"It can't be!" he cried. "You have to be kidding!" 

"Yes, I am," she answered with a smile, counting out his cash. "But 
you will notice that your hiccups are gone."


----------



## Gandalf_White

Here's a couple of cute ones:

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict. 

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the hall. Music will follow.  

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. 

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. 

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.


----------



## Wolfshead

The Winter Break was over and the teacher was asking the class about
their vacations. She turned to little Johnny and asked what he did 
over the break. 

"We visited my grandmother in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania," he replied. 

"That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word," the teacher said. 
"Can you tell the class how you spell 'Punxsutawney'?" 

Little Johnny thought about it and said, "You know, come to think of 
it, we went to Ohio."


----------



## BlackCaptain

A new Indian cheiftan is elected as the head of his tribe in his reserve in the year 1997. His father just died, and he was, old as he was, possibly the greatest leader of all time. 

So, it just happened, that all of the lesser indians came to this new leader, and asked: "Oh great leader, will this winter be especialy cold? Or will it just be another winter" 

Now, trying to sound super kingly and all, he says "It will be a very cold winter. Go gather as much firewood as you can"

So they went, and the next morning, the chieftan wanted to double check his answer, so he called the National Weather Service. They said it would be a very very cold winter.

Later that day, the Indians came back to the leader, and asked if the new day has brought any new foresight. Now the chief, feeling confident, said it would be a very very cold winter, and that the other indians should gather as much firewood as possibly possible, so they went and did that. 

Feeling curious as to how the big bad people at the NWS knew it would be a very cold winter, he called them again and asked: "What kind of instruments do you use? There must be some secret..."

The weather man responded:

"Oh well the indans over at the reserve are gathering wood like crazy!"


----------



## Wolfshead

Yeah! This thread's alive again! Come on everyone, let's post jokes until we're blue in the face... 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Agri - Cows

How agri-corporations around the world would treat their cows. 

NORTH AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and 
force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised 
when the cow drops dead. 

FRENCH: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three 
cows. 

JAPANESE: You have two cows. You redesign them to 1/10 the size 
of ordinary cows, producing 20 times the milk. You then create 
clever cow cartoons called Cowkimon and market them worldwide. 

GERMAN: You have two cows, re-engineered so they'll live for 100 
years, eat once a month and milk themselves. 

BRITISH: You have two cows. Both are mad. 

RUSSIAN: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five 
cows. You count them again and learn you have 42. You count them 
again and learn you have 12. You stop counting cows and open another 
bottle of vodka. 

SWISS: You have 5,000 cows. None belongs to you. You charge others 
for storing them. 

HINDU: You have two cows. You worship them. 

CHINESE: You have two cows and 300 people milking them. You claim 
full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest the newsman 
who questions the numbers.


----------



## Elendil3119

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven! here, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, shakingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. "Stay out of those," she said, "they're for your funeral."


----------



## Wolfshead

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[These are real examples from real resumes]

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

--Responsibility makes me nervous.
--They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning.
Couldn't work under those conditions.
--Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as
cockroaches.
--I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
--The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous 
employers.

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

--While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am 
decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least 
partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and 
that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the 
application of more rarefied facets of financial management as
the major sphere of responsibility.
--I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

--Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and 
my employer does not know I am looking for another job.
--My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have 
no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try 
stock brokerage.
--I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

--Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

--Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

--Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.
--Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts 
that arouse.
--Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.
--I'm a rabid typist.
--Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest 
chain operation.


----------



## Legolam

Those are class, Craig! Brightened up my otherwise mundane life


----------



## Wolfshead

Always glad to be of service 

~~~~~~~~~~~

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a 
felony trial. It went like this: 

Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene? 
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the 
description of the offender running several blocks away. 

Q: Officer, who provided this description? 
A: The officer who responded to the scene. 

Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called 
offender. Do you trust your fellow officers? 
A: Yes sir, with my life. 

Q: WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer -- do you have 
a locker room in the police station -- a room where you change your 
clothes in preparation for your daily duties? 
A: Yes sir, we do. 

Q: And do you have a locker in that room? 
A: Yes sir, I do. 

Q: And do you have a lock on your locker? 
A: Yes sir. 

Q: Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH 
YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room 
you share with those officers? 
A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and 
sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.


----------



## Aragorn21

I got one.

There was this man (George) and his wife (Patrisha) who went to their local fair every year. At the fair there was this beautiful plane that gave rides to all who paid $10. "Patrisha," George said, "I would really like a ride on that airplane." "I know," said Patrisha, "but $10 is $10." They were a poor couple. The next year they went back to the fair and George said, "Patrisha, I would really like a ride on that airplane." "I know," replied Patrisha, "but $10 is $10." Then the next year they go to the fair again, the airplane is still there. "Patrisha," George said, "I would really like a ride on that airplane." "I know," said Patrisha, "but $10 is $10." This year the pilote was standing next to them and over heard the annual conversation. He turned around and said, "I'll tell you what, I'll give you a free ride on my airplane for free if you don't make a noise the whole time. If you do make a noise you'll have to pay $10." George and Patrisha decided this was a good deal, and took him up on his offer. When they went up the pilot did everything he knew, from loops to corkscrews, never a word from George or his wife. When they got on the ground the pilot said to George, "I don't understand, I did everything I knew and you still didn't make a noise." George replied, "well, I wanted to say something when Patrisha fell out, but $10 is $10."


----------



## Finduilas

Here's a website I didn't know where to post otherwise.
It's a Bulgarian one but the jokes inside (Tolkien related) are so funny that I coulfn't stop myself from posting it somewhere.
So here it is:

http://valaquenta.hit.bg/fun/

Now this is the fun section and probably people who can't speak Bulgarian won't find them so funny  .
However,the pictures are nice too and what's more I'll try to translate every day a bit id the humorous diaries of the characters into English because they are really worthy!


----------



## Wolfshead

This is a list of the ways that professors in
different departments grade their final exams:

Dept Of Statistics:
All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

Dept Of Psychology:
Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books,
close them and turn them in. The professor opens the
books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

Dept Of History:
All students get the same grade they got last year.

Dept Of Religion:
Grade is determined by God.

Dept Of Philosophy:
What is a grade?

English Dept.:
Your final exam will be scored by totalling the weight
of all the books you read this semester:
40+ pounds - A
30 pounds - B
20 pounds - C
10 pounds - D
<10 pounds - F

Law School:
Students are asked to defend their
position of why they should receive an A.

Dept Of Mathematics:
Grades are variable.

Dept. Of Physics:
Grades are relative. but...
All theoretical physics is really mathematics. See Above.

Dept. Of Chemistry:
All theoretical chemistry is really physics. See Above.

Dept. Of Biology:
All theoretical biology is really chemistry. See Above.

Dept. Of Logic:
If and only if
the student is present for the final
and
the student has accumulated a passing grade
then
the student will receive an A
else
the student will not receive an A.

Dept. Of Marxist Studies:
The history of all hitherto existing society is the history
of class struggles. Therefore, everyone will now get the
same grade!

Dept. Of Economics:
All of your grades, as a collection, will reach the level
where your marginal product (MP) of labour for each individual grade is
equal.

Dept. Of Operations & Logistics Management:
Grades will be posted *at* 12:00 Noon.
NOT 11:59 -- NOT 12:01

Dept. Of Computer Science:
Random number generator determines grade, but...
YOUR grade is an object in a class of its own.

Music Department:
Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor
play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat
respectively).


----------



## Lúthien Séregon

In March 1992 Andy Mikula living in Dickson City near Scranton, Pennsylvania, received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away.
In April Andy received another and threw that one away too.
The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn’t send them $0.00 by return post.
He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they’d take care of it. The following month Andy decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament.
However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been canceled.
He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue.
Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.
The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.
Finally giving in he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all.
A week later, Andy Mikula’s bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail.
The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash.
The following month Andy received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt.
Andy, who had been considering buying his wife Eileen a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.


----------



## Manveru

A querulous wife to husband:

- You always say: "*my* house", "*my* car", "*my* TV" etc. We've been married for 30 years, don't you remember? And what are you looking in that wardrobe?

- *Our* pants - replies the husband.


----------



## Wolfshead

Mary was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of 
the Insurance policy with the clerk at the Insurance Agency. 
During the discussion, she asked. "Suppose I take the life 
insurance for my husband today and tomorrow he dies? What will 
I get? 

The clerk eyed her suspiciously and replied " A Life Sentence"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man 
he meets, "Do you want to go to Heaven?" 
The man said, "I do Father." 

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." 

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to Heaven?" 

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. 

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. 

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go 
to Heaven?" 

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." 

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when 
you die you don't want to go to Heaven?" 

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group 
together to go right now." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog. 

If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining. 

But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably
raining really hard. 

If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's
probably windy. 

If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing. 

Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to 
leave
the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather. 

Sincerely, 

The CAT


----------



## Manveru

A mammoth was going through a desert. All of a sudden a big herd of elephants came and trode him down into the sand. The mammoth stood up, remove the sand from his eyes and proboscis and said:

- "Those nasty skinheads..."


----------



## Beorn

No offense to any Texans or Aussies 

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. 
The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large." 
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows." 
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?" 
The Aussie, fed up with the Texan's bragging replies with an incredulous look, "What, don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"



A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." 
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" 
"Twelve thirty." 



A man is driving down the highway, when he gets a call on his cell phone (no, it's not in NY, he _can_ answer his cell phone and drive too...). His wife says, "Honey, get off the road, there's a maniac going the wrong way down the highway." He replies, "It's not one of them, there are THOUSANDS!"



One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names ...and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. 
The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex." 
"Good morning," replied the young man -- still focused on the plaque. 
"What is this?" Alex asked. 
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service. 
"Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. 
Little Alex's voice was trembling .. and barely audible ... when he asked, "Which service? ... the 8:30 .... or the 11:00?" 



An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then 4 yr. old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. 'Be still my heart,' thought my friend, 'my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!' Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?" 



A Woman Gets Pulled Over by a Police Officer and.... 
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? 
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. 
Woman: Oh, I see. 
Officer: Can I see your license please? 
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. 
Officer: Don't have one? 
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving. 
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. 
Woman: I can't do that. 
Officer: Why not? 
Woman: I stole this car. 
Officer: Stole it? 
Woman: Yes, and I killed the owner.
Officer: You what? 
Woman: He's in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. 
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. 
Woman: Is there a problem sir? 
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. 
Woman: Murdered the owner? 
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. 
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. 
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? 
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. 
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. 
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. 
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered the owner. 
Woman: Bet you the liar told you I was speeding too. 




Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other one and says, "does this taste funny to you?". 



Most are copied from a site I read occasionally....


----------



## Aglarthalion

Two cows were in a field. One said "Moo". The other said, "Aww, I was going to say that..."


----------



## Frodorocks

Two pink penguins are sitting in a bathtub. What does one pink penguin say to the other pink penguin?
Pass the toast. 

Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One muffin says to the other, "man, it's really hot in here." What does the other muffin say? "Ahhhhhhhhhh! A talking muffin!


----------



## Wolfshead

I'm sure a couple of those jokes I've already posted, Beorn  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This fella had owned this large farm for several years. 

He had a large pond in the back yard, had it fixed up nice, with picnic 
tables, horse shoe courts, a basketball court, etc. 

The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built. One evening the old 
farmer decided to go down to the pond as he hadn't been there for a 
while and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting 
and laughing with glee. 

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in 
his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to 
the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not 
coming out until you leave!" 

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim 
or to get you out of the pond, I only came to feed my Gators!"


----------



## Gary Gamgee

Three pieces of string walk into a bar and sit themselves down at the nearest table. Then one gets up and goes to the bar. 'Can I have three pints of lager please?' it asks the barman. 'No I'm sorry we only serve human beings in here' he says. The piece of string goes back and the second piece of string gets up and tries to get served but gets the same response. The third piece of string says 'right watch this guys' it stands up, ties itself in a knot and frays itself round the edges and goes to the bar. 'Can I have three pints of lager please?' to which the barman replies 'Aren't you that piece of string i've refused twice now?' 'No I'm a frayed knot'


----------



## Wolfshead

Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny
village. "What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant.
"All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has to live
in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered dump, or by them that's
merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms for a short
spell."


----------



## Frodorocks

Jack locked up his bar and headed home. He'd been asleep a few minutes before the telephone rang.
"What time do you open in the morning?" he heard an obviously drunk man inquire.
Furious, Jack slammed the phone down and went back to sleep. But the same guy called again.
"You might as well stop calling," Jack shouted. "There's no way I'm letting a drunk like you into my bar!"
"I don't want to get in," the caller interjected. "I want to get out!"

" A study in The Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh'"
- Conan O'Brien

Joe and Dave are hunting when Dave keels over. Frantic, Joe dials 911 on his cell phone and blurts, "My friend just dropped dead! What should I do?" 
A soothing voice at the other end says, "Don't worry, I can help. First, let's make sure he's really dead."
After a brief silence the operator hears a shot ring out. Then Joe comes back to the phone. "Okay," he says nervously to the operator. "What do I do next?"

A priest, a nun, a rabbi, a lawyer, and a doctor walk into a bar. The bartender takes one look at them and says, "What is this, a joke?"

Phil visits his doctor after weeks of not feeling well.
"I have bad news." says the doctor. "You don't have long to live."
"How long have I got?" asks a distraught Phil.
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten? Ten what? Months? Days?"
The doctor interrupts, "Nine..."


----------



## Wolfshead

Hear about the blonde who.............................? _Ok, so it doesn't have to be blondes, it could be Irishmen, or whoever, but blondes is what was in it. So, please don't hit me_

* Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too
tight...........?

* Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a
slope...........?

* Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit into the
typewriter...........?

* Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in six months. The
box had said "2 to 4 years."..........?

* Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went
out...........?

* Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone
button...........?

* When asked what the capital of California was, answered
"C."..........?

* Can't make KoolAid because eight cups of water won't fit into one of
those little packets...........?

* Got hurt when she fell out of the tree while raking leaves...........?

* Changes the baby's diaper only once a month because the label said
"Good up to 20 pounds."..........?

* After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that
the other swimmers were using their arms...........?

* What goes "vroomscreechvroomscreech"?
A blonde at a flashing red light...........?

* Two blondes are trying to get into their car using a coat hanger when
one says, "Hurry, it's starting to rain, and the top is
down."..........?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender
promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to help
me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. The other night I
dreamed I was a Trans Am. Another night I dreamed I was an Alpha Romeo.
Last night I dreamed I was a Porche. What does this mean?"

"Relax," says the doctor, "You're just having an auto-body experience.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_This is not me speaking. Well, it is, but below it isn't_

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the
in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit 
more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant 
crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached 
cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. 
This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your 
flight attendants."


*****************************

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of
your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make 
sure it's something we'd like to have."

*******************************

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 
ways out of this airplane"

*****************************

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you 
enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking 
you for a ride."


----------



## Aulë

*Actual Newspaper Headlines*

-WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE

-TYPHOON RIPS THROUGH CEMETERY; HUNDREDS DEAD

-SPARE OUR TREES - THEY BREAK WIND

-SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH, EXPERT SAYS

-SMOKERS ARE PRODUCTIVE, BUT DEATH CUTS EFFICIENCY

-SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTED

-PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE

-PLANE TOO CLOSE TO GROUND, CRASH PROBE TOLD

-NIZAM OF HYDARABAD IS DEAD - TIMES, 23RD FEBRUARY 
NIZAM OF HYDARABAD SLIGHTLY BETTER - TIMES, 24TH FEBRUARY

-NEW JERSEY JUDGE TO RULE ON NUDE BEACH

-MOUNTING PROBLEMS FOR YOUNG COUPLES

-MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH

-MAN FOUND DEAD IN GRAVEYARD

-IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS

-INCLUDE YOUR CHILDREN WHEN BAKING COOKIES

-IF STRIKE ISN'T SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST A WHILE

-FILMING IN CEMETERY ANGERS RESIDENTS

-DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE

-DEATH CAUSES LONELINESS, FEELING OF ISOLATION

-DEAF MUTE GETS NEW HEARING IN KILLING

-BLIND WOMAN GETS NEW KIDNEY FROM DAD SHE HASN'T SEEN IN YEARS

-BISHOP HOISTS HIS CASSOCK TO REVEAL A SECRET

-AUTOS KILLING 110 A DAY, LET'S RESOLVE TO DO BETTER


----------



## Valdarmyr

Very good, Aule!

So, a guy's driving a truck with 127 penguins in the back, and he's taking them to the zoo, but the truck breaks down by the side of the road. So he asks a passing motorist, "Will you take these 127 penguins to the zoo for me?" The man says yes, he loads the 127 penguins into his car, and he takes off. 

A couple hours later, the truck is fixed, and first thing the truck driver does is go to the zoo to make sure the 127 penguins got there--but they're nowhere to be found. Frantically, he jumps in his truck and starts looking for them all over town. 

Finally, he sees the man and the 127 penguins walking down the street. The truck driver says to the man, "Hey! I thought I asked you to take my 127 penguins to the zoo!" And the man says, "I did! But I had a few bucks left over, so I took them to the movies, too!"


----------



## Gary Gamgee

What did the inflaitable Teacher say to the inflaitable boy who had taken a pin into the inflaitable school?

'You've let me down, you've let the school down but worst of all you've let yourself down'


----------



## Manveru

*Wild-life of animals...*

Once upon a time a fox-woman was going through a forest. Suddenly she heard a voice coming from the nearest bushes.

- Quack, quack! - the voice said.

But she paid no attention to that and went on. She didn't walk even 30 meters when she heard another voice...

- Honk! - said the mysterious voice.

She decided to ignore it again. She continued to walk through the forest. All of a sudden there came yet another sound from bushes not far away from the fox-woman:

- Peep, peep! - sounded the voice once more.

She couldn't stop herself any more and jumped through the bushes. There was some struggle, wild voices could be heard... After about 5 minutes from behind the bushes, fastening his belt, there came a wolf and said:

- It's good to know foreign languages!


----------



## Wolfshead

It's alive! The thread's alive! Run!

-------

What's green and smells like yellow paint?

Green paint...


----------



## Arvedui

*Tragedy vs accident vs great loss*

President Bush was visiting a primary school. One of the classes was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stood up and offered : "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy." " No," said Bush "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand : "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not." explained the president "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said : "If Air Force One carrying Mr. Bush was struck by a friendly missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic !" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."


----------



## Wolfshead

Well, as they say, the death of one's a tragedy, and the death of a million's just a statistic... I'm sure someone said that before Marilyn Manson, but I can't remember who 

What's black and white and red all over?

A nun lying in a gutter...


----------



## pipin

what do you do when a blond throws a gernade at you

pull the pin and throw it back...


----------



## Hammersmith

Wolfshead said:


> Well, as they say, the death of one's a tragedy, and the death of a million's just a statistic... I'm sure someone said that before Marilyn Manson, but I can't remember who


 
Stalin  

How do you kill an entire circus at once?

Go for the juggler


----------



## Hammersmith

Wolfshead said:


> -----------------
> 
> TOP 7 SIGNS YOUR PASTOR NEEDS A VACATION
> --------------------------------------------
> 5. He shows up for Sunday service wearing Bermuda Shorts and a
> Tank Top.


Mine does


----------



## Wolfshead

Stalin. That'd be the one 

How do you make a cat go woof?
Soak it in petrol and flick a match at it!


----------



## Hammersmith

Wolfshead said:


> How do you make a cat go woof?
> Soak it in petrol and flick a match at it!


That one never gets old!

*What's "ET" short for?*

*Because he's got little legs * 

Good to see you back, Wolfshead. This thread needs to stay ALIVE!


----------



## Gilthoniel

A blonde (sorry) drives onto a garage forecourt, gets out, and asks the mechanic if she can buy a '710'. The mechanic has worked there for many years, and has never heard of one. So, he goes and consults his friend, who has never heard of it either. Then he pulls out a catalog, and finds no. 710, shows it to the blonde, who shakes her head, and tells him that it's not the right thing. Now utterly confused, he takes her to his car, opens the bonnet, and asks, 'is there one on this car?' The blonde says, ' yeah, look. (see attachment).


----------



## Hammersmith

Gilthoniel said:


> A blonde (sorry) drives onto a garage forecourt, gets out, and asks the mechanic if she can buy a '710'. The mechanic has worked there for many years, and has never heard of one. So, he goes and consults his friend, who has never heard of it either. Then he pulls out a catalog, and finds no. 710, shows it to the blonde, who shakes her head, and tells him that it's not the right thing. Now utterly confused, he takes her to his car, opens the bonnet, and asks, 'is there one on this car?' The blonde says, ' yeah, look. (see attachment).


That's fantastic!!!  

_Did you hear about the Amazonian Hilawi tribe, who ended up getting desperately lost in the midst of the jungle?_

_They were last seen running madly and screaming, "We're the Hilawi, we're the Hilawi"_


----------



## Wolfshead

Hammersmith said:


> Good to see you back, Wolfshead. This thread needs to stay ALIVE!


If I got a quid for every time I'd ressurected this thread, well, let's just say I'd have at least a fiver...

Did you hear about the big game hunter that died in Africa?
He was crushed by a giant Cluedo board...


----------



## Hammersmith

_With apologies to all blondes  _


In a small eastern European nation, a revolution kicks off. Among those slated by the new regime for immediate execution are three women, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The morning of their death arrives, and the brunette is marched out forthwith to face the firing squad. Thinking fast, as the sergeant calls out, "Squad, ready!", she screams, "Earthquake!"
As earthquakes are a daily trial in this particular country, the soldiers flee in all directions, covering their heads. By the time they return, the brunette has escaped. Slightly miffed, they drag the redhead out to face death by shooting. She has seen the brunette's cunning performance, and so, as the rifles are raised, she cries out, "Tornado!", again scattering the guards and allowing her a chance to escape. Finally the blonde is brought before the squad. She too has seen the failed executions, and is forced to think fast. Again the sergeant calls out, "Squad ready!"
The blonde seizes her chance, shouting loudly, "Fire!"


----------



## Hammersmith

*Resurrects thread*

This one's awful. Hold tight.

We all know that Mahatma Ghandi was a very holy man. So holy that he endured a simple lifestyle. In fact, did you know that he refused to wear shoes? As a consequence he developed terrible blisters on his feet. His spartan diet meant that besides being emaciated and frail he had incredibly bad breath, but he didn't complain, because he was...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
(may have to say it aloud)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
an extra-calloused-fragile-mystic-vexed by-hallitosis

*Shoots self*


----------



## Zale

Jokes like that should be a banning offense.

I only know offensive ones, so best not post them here.


----------



## e.Blackstar

Okay, I have two.
~~~~~

In a taxi there were a Floridian, a New Yorker, a guy from Idaho (Idahoien?), and a Nebraskan. The town flew by, and no one said or did anything. Finally the Nebraskan opened a burlap bag that was in his lap, rolled down the window, and started throwing ears of corn out onto the road. After a minute or two of this, the Idahoien asked "What are you doing?" The Nebraskan explained "Well, we have so much corn in Nebraska, I'm sick of seeing it. So I'm getting rid of it" The Idahoien considered this, and after a moment, opened his briefcase and began tossing potatos out the window. The Floridian wakes up from his nap and sees the Idahoien doing this. "What are you doing?", he asks. The Idahoien replies " Well, we have so many potatoes in Idaho, I'm sick of seeing them. So I'm getting rid of as many as I can." The Floridian mulls this over for a minute or two, then opens the door and shoves the New Yorker out.

~~~~~

A blonde is driving down the road in her shnazzy new red convertible. However, a large man in a truck soon pulls her over and makes her get out of the car. Frightened, she does so. The man draws a circle in the dirt on the edge of the road and makes the blonde stand in it. "Don't you dare step out, missie." She nods, and the guy turns back to her car. With a knife, he slashes the tires. He looks over his shoulder at the blond; she's giggling. He shrugs and takes out some neon spraypaint and sprays it all over the car. She starts giggling again. Using the kinife again, he tears up the upholstrey. She begins laughing uncontrollably, and he finally turns around and says "Lady, what is WRONG with you? I;m destorying your car, can't you see that?" She giggles again and says "while you weren't looking I stepped out of the circle THREE times! Tee hee!"

~~~~~

Stupid, I know. I had some better ones but I forgot them.


----------



## Hammersmith

Zale said:


> Jokes like that should be a banning offense.


I warned you  

Any British people here?

What do you call a row of lettuce down the middle of the road?
A dual Cabbageway


I'll go now...


----------



## Forgotten Path

Great jokes. I only made it to page five, so forgive me if theis one is already posted.


There are three kids: shutup, manners, and doodoo. One day, they all go for a walk. Well, the park they go walking in is very hilly. doodoo ends up tripping and hurt his ankle. So manners begins to help him up while shutup runs to find help. He finds an old lady. She asks him his name and he replies "shutup". The old lady, a little suprised, asks him again. He replies "shutup". The lady now angry, shouts "WHAT'S YOUR NAME?". shutup yells, "SHUTUP!" The lady then asks him "where are your manners, young man?" To which he promptly replies: "over the hill picking up doodoo"


----------



## Hammersmith

I've seen Wolfshead around recently, so I'd better knock this thread back to the top of the pile with a truly terrible joke.


How do we know that Moses wore a wig?

Because he was sometimes seen with Aaron, and sometimes without.





Over to you...


----------



## Wolfshead

Thank you, Hammersmith, good to see I'm not the only who thinks this thread deserves ressurecting. Perhaps it should be a sticky? 

---------------

A policeman pulled a female driver over and asked to see her license. After looking it over, he said to her, "Lady, it stipulates here on your license that you should be wearing glasses."

"Well, I have contacts," the woman replied.

"Look, lady, I don't care who you know," snapped the officer. "You're getting a ticket." 

----------------

I see no need to apologise


----------



## Shireman D

Contribution from Shireman D's #4 offsprung (female):


What do you call a line of small pink dolls?




A Barbie-queue.


(Well she is only 9)


----------



## e.Blackstar

*reads Smitty's joke* Heh heh.  

*reads Wolfshead's joke*  *re-reads it* Oh, I get it.  *massive grin*

*reads Shireman's joke, mentally mispronounces "queue"* I don't get it. *reads it again, like a good limey would* Ah ha! Heh heh, I love it!  



Good stuff, that.


----------



## Wolfshead

What's good about being a test-tube baby?

You get a womb with a view...


----------



## Hammersmith

That's hilarious!

Yet probably wrong in some way. Um...

_*Why should you stay away from trees full of meat?*_

_*It's probably an 'ambush*_


----------



## Wolfshead

There's these two fish sitting in a tank. One says to the other, "How do you drive this thing?".


----------



## Shireman D

*reads Shireman's joke, mentally mispronounces "queue"* I don't get it. *reads it again, like a good limey would* Ah ha! Heh heh, I love it!  





Forgive ignorance but how do you say queue on that side of the water?

We say 'cue'

ps daughter suitably gratified by international appeal of joke.


----------



## Hammersmith

Shireman D said:


> Forgive ignorance but how do you say queue on that side of the water?


I've been treated to nothing but blank stares when using the word "queue" in America. It appears that in the Midwest at least, it simply doesn't exist...


----------



## e.Blackstar

Shireman D said:


> Forgive ignorance but how do you say queue on that side of the water?



Mmm...being an American (a Midwester, even!), I almost always mentally mispronounce it the way it's spelt, something like "quee". But I KNOW that it's 'cue'...and I KNOW what someone means if they say it to me. I'm a Brit at heart, I think.


----------



## Barliman Butterbur

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said "Cough!"

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"

The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

The patient says "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do it!"

The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks the patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbor!"

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says "Limp!"

===============================

Barley


----------



## Hammersmith

I feel duty bound to add to that,
"Doctor, my hair's falling out! What can you give me to keep it in?"
"How about a paper bag?"


----------



## Shireman D

Hammersmith said:


> I warned you
> 
> Any British people here?
> 
> What do you call a row of lettuce down the middle of the road?
> A dual Cabbageway
> 
> 
> I'll go now...


 
Really? Since when have lettuce been brassicas? (Points to signature)


----------



## Barliman Butterbur

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

Hollywood called me, asking me "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back "How about $20,000?" I said "I'll pay it!"

Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.

Man sez to his doctor, "Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation?" Doctor sez "Certainly!" Man sez "That's funny, I couldn't before!" (ba da BOOM)

===============================

Barley

PS: Correct post count is whatever is shown *PLUS 800. *For some reason, 800(!!!) posts have been subtracted from my count with no explanation given to me whatever.


----------



## Hammersmith

I was eating an orange this morning when some guy came up to me and starting stealing the peel. Straight out of my hands, he took it, then just stood there laughing at me.

I told him to stop taking the pith.


----------



## Barliman Butterbur

Hammersmith said:


> I was eating an orange this morning when some guy came up to me and starting stealing the peel. Straight out of my hands, he took it, then just stood there laughing at me.
> 
> I told him to stop taking the pith.



Huh??? I think I understand the pun you're trying to do, but "pith" is the _opposite_ of what you want. Pith means

n 1: soft spongelike central cylinder of the stems of most flowering plants 2: the choicest or most essential or most vital part of some idea or experience; "the gist of the prosecutor's argument"; "the heart and soul of the Republican Party"; "the nub of the story" [syn: kernel, substance, core, center, essence, gist, heart, heart and soul, inwardness, marrow, meat, nub, sum, nitty-gritty]

It's _bananas_ that are a-PEELING! 

===============================

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled
down in their old neighborhood and are celebrating their 60th wedding
anniversary. They walk down the street to their old school. There, they
hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had
carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car
practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, but they don't know
what to do with it so they take it home.There, she counts the money,
and it's fifty thousand dollars.

The husband says, "We've got to give it back."

She says, "Finders keepers." And she puts the money back in the bag and
hides it up in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood
looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, but did
either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

She says, "No." The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the
attic." She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says,
"Tell us the story from the beginning."

The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school
yesterday..."

The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "Let's get out of here."

===============================

Barley


----------



## Hammersmith

Barliman Butterbur said:


> Huh??? I think I understand the pun you're trying to do, but "pith" is the _opposite_ of what you want. Pith means
> 
> n 1: soft spongelike central cylinder of the stems of most flowering plants 2: the choicest or most essential or most vital part of some idea or experience; "the gist of the prosecutor's argument"; "the heart and soul of the Republican Party"; "the nub of the story" [syn: kernel, substance, core, center, essence, gist, heart, heart and soul, inwardness, marrow, meat, nub, sum, nitty-gritty]
> 
> It's _bananas_ that are a-PEELING!


Dictionary.com? 
Pith can also be used to describe the white bits on oranges, though I'd be willing to concede that it's regional.


----------



## Barliman Butterbur

Hammersmith said:


> Dictionary.com?
> Pith can also be used to describe the white bits on oranges, though I'd be willing to concede that it's regional.



White "bits" on oranges??? Must be regional, I've never seen oranges with white bits — not even mold!

===============================

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...

===============================

Barley


----------



## e.Blackstar

Barliman Butterbur said:


> White "bits" on oranges??? Must be regional, I've never seen oranges with white bits — not even mold!
> 
> Barley



I'm assuming by "white bits" he means the stringy white parts that are essentially part of the peel, but come away and stick to the fruit itself. Surely you've encountered them?

That _is_ what you meant, wasn't it Hammer?


----------



## Hammersmith

Yep. And if they aren't pith, I don't know what they are


----------



## Barliman Butterbur

Hammersmith said:


> Yep. And if they aren't pith, I don't know what they are



Stringy fibers...

Barley


----------



## Barliman Butterbur

Hammersmith said:


> Yep. And if they aren't pith, I don't know what they are



Stringy fibers...

Two oranges walk into a bar,one says to the other, 'Your round' 

Barley


----------



## Gothmog

> White "bits" on oranges??? Must be regional, I've never seen oranges with white bits — not even mold!


What Hammersmith is refering to is the white inner part of the peel of oranges, lemons and limes just under the 'zest'.

The zest is used often in cooking but the 'Pith' just below is too bitter.

Hope that helps.

Now I will stop talking a lode of pith and let you get back to your jokes


----------



## Hammersmith

Thanks! On the subject of fruit...

An orange, a mango, a tangerine, a lemon and an apple were sitting in a basket together. Without warning, the apple suddenly squashes the lemon viciously. The other fruit are aghast. Moments later, the apple maliciously squishes the tangerine.

Understandably horrified, the mango whispers to the orange, "It must be his stem-per"


----------



## Wraithguard

*Creeps in*

I might as well jump into the fray with a few horrible jokes of my own.



What's 40 feet long and smells like urine?
A Nursing Home Line Dance



"What does your dad do for a living?"
"My dad is dead."
"Oh. What did your dad do before he died?"
"Well, he kind of clutched his chest and fell over."


----------



## Barliman Butterbur

Wraithguard said:


> *Creeps in*
> 
> I might as well jump into the fray with a few horrible jokes of my own.
> 
> 
> 
> What's 40 feet long and smells like urine?
> A Nursing Home Line Dance
> 
> 
> 
> "What does your dad do for a living?"
> "My dad is dead."
> "Oh. What did your dad do before he died?"
> "Well, he kind of clutched his chest and fell over."



Horrible? You want horrible? Here's horrible:

QUESTION: What has 100,000 legs and can't walk?

ANSWER: Jerry's Kids. 

Barley


----------



## Wolfshead

Seeing as we're in the realm of bad jokes...

What did Batman say to Robin before he got in the Batmobile?
Get in the Batmobile, Robin.

Man: Doctor doctor! I think I've broken my leg!
Doctor: It's a very bad break. I'm afraid you'll never walk again.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
It's the police. There's been a terrible accident. I'm afraid your husband has been killed.

BAR JOKE
A man walks into a bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender.
Later that night, he goes home alone and reflects on the poor decisions he's made in life.

GENIE JOKE
A man and a woman are crossing the desert. They find a lamp in the sand. The man rubs the lamp and nothing happens. Afterward, he feels a bit foolish.

How many Irish people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the ladder, and the other to turn the light bulb in a clockwise fashion until it is secured in the socket. 

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because the chicken lacks any reasoning or decision-making capabilities, it seems unlikely the chicken's action was spurred by any particular motivation.

How do you sell a horse to a dwarf?
*look down* Would you like to buy a horse?

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into a bar. They Englishman orders a pint of lager, the Irishman orders a pint of Guinness and the Scotsman orders a large whisky. They sit down and talk about the various pros and cons of living in their respective countries, and leave with a better knowledge of each other's cultures.

How do you fit 300 midgets in a Volkswagon?
You manufacture a Volkswagon large enough to accomodate 300 midgets. You would not be legally allowed to drive it on the roads but at least the 300 midget problem has been solved

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
Neophema Chrysogaster, or the Orange-Bellied Parrot, which is native to the coastal regions of South Eastern Australia, sadly less widespread and abundant than it was in the early part of the 20th century.

A boy enters his school hall, and sits down, waiting to take his maths exam, this was the most nervous that he had ever been, he had always wanted to be a qualified mathmetician. Then he realised he had lost his pen, but the boy had an ingenious idea! He would write in pencil!!! Unfortunatly this method is not allowed and the boy failed.

Thank you, I'm here all week...


----------



## Barliman Butterbur

Bad jokes? You want bad jokes? I'll give you bad jokes!

Why did Bobby Fischer marry a woman from Prague?
He was looking for a Czech mate.

•••

Why don't blind people skydive?
It scares hell out of the dogs.

•••

A Panda walks into a restaurant and orders the Chef Salad and a glass
of wine. Upon finishing his meal, he pulls out an Uzi and fires at everything
in sight, virtually destroying the establishment.

The owner, hearing the gunfire, comes running from the kitchen."Hey! Why did you go and shoot up my restaurant, man?"

"I'm not a man, I'm a Panda,"calmly answers the Panda.
"So you're a Panda," yells the proprietor,"what right does that give you
to destroy my business?"

"Look it up in the dictionary...I gotta go," replies the Panda, who then strolls
out of the restaurant. Fumbling under the bar, the owner finds a dictionary,
thumbs through the P's until he finds: Panda: a white and black bearlike
animal of Asia; eats shoots and leaves.

•••

A string walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender
says "Hey, we don't serve strings in here." Dejected, the string goes
out and rolls around in the dirt. He comes back in, all tangled up, with
loose threads hanging off, sits down and orders a drink. "Hey, aren't you
that string I just kicked out of here?" asks the bartender. "No," replies
the string. "I'm a frayed knot."

•••

A sandwich walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender
says "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

•••

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his
home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll
just have the eggs benedict." His order comes a while later and it's
served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the
hubcap?" The waiter sings, "Theres no plate like chrome for the
hollandaise!"

•••

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a
beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

•••

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other.
One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an
electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"

•••

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to
disperse. "But why?," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he
said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

•••

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut
daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would
always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon,
as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to
find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw
together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The
doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and
exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied
the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

Barley


----------



## Wraithguard

More bad jokes.


An Ethiopian and a Mozambique are in a car. Who does the car belong to?
The Red Cross


Why did a man kill the restaraunt patrons?
He was a sociopath


There is a sign on the other side of an enormous marsh and a man is determined to find out what it says. After a grueling two day hike through reptile infested wetlands and receiving enough diseases to make it into the recordbook, he finally reaches the sign. It reads, "Danger: Poisonous Swamp".


----------



## Wraithguard

My cousin in Iraq sent me a picture of a resteraunt sign from the city of Falujah. Naturally, my affiliation with the language allowed me to understand it perfectly, however, when I translated it, this is what came out.

Home-cooked Food
We'll beat your wives!​ 
There are two things I found funny there


----------



## Starbrow

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife told him, "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway
for me that goes zero to 200 in two seconds flat."
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for this Saturday


A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a 
helicopter. She went to the airport, but the only one available was a 
solo-helicopter.
> The Instructor figured he could let her go up alone since she 
was already a pilot for small planes and he could instruct her via radio.
> So up the blonde went. She reached 1,000 feet and everything 
was going smoothly. She reached 2,000 feet. The blonde and the Instructor 
kept talking via radio. Everything was going smoothly.
> At 3,000 feet the helicopter suddenly came down quickly!
> It skimmed the top of some trees and crash landed in the woods.
> The Instructor jumped into his jeep and rushed out to see if 
the blonde was okay. As he reached the edge of the woods, the blonde was 
walking out.
> "What happened?" the Instructor asked. "All was going so well 
until you reached 3,000 feet. What happened then?"
> "Well," began the blonde, "I got cold. So I turned off the 
ceiling fan."


----------



## Wolfshead

What do you call a sheep tied to a lamp post in Cardiff?

A leisure centre


----------



## Wolfshead

In the old days the English and Scottish armies used to fight by gathering their armies on top of the hills and at day break they would run down the hillside into the deep gorge below to fight.

One morning at dawn there was a fog (as thick as pea soup) and the two generals decided to refrain from fighting that day. Whilst the two armies were resting a voice, with a scottish accent came from within the dense fog.

"Any one scotsman can beat any 10 englishmen". With this, the english general sent down 10 of his soldiers. There was a hell of a fight and NO ONE returned. An hour later, the same voice was heard. "Any one scotsman can beat any 50 englishman". With this the english general sent down 50 of his soldiers. The same thing, a terrible fight ensured and again NO ONE returned. An hour later the same voice. "Any one scotsman can beat any 100 englishman". Same same, down went 100 of the best. NO ONE returned. An hour later. "Any one scotsman can beat any 1,000 englishman". By this time, the english general had enough and was about to send down his elite soldiers, when he saw a lone englishman crawling up the hill. He was battered to a pulp. As he reached his general he said, "Don't send any more troops down, its a trap, THERES TWO OF THE B*******".


----------



## Gothmog

Wolfshead said:


> What do you call a sheep tied to a lamp post in Cardiff?
> 
> A leisure centre


There is no truth in the stories about the Welsh and Sheep.

It is all just Baaad Press


----------



## Starbrow

HOME: The thing that keeps a man running to the hardware store.


----------



## Erestor Arcamen

Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself? 

Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures. 

What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.

There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and asked, "Did you get my drift?"

Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant's fingers.

Why is Saudi Arabia free of mental illness? There are nomad people there.

When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way

Question: How did Christopher Columbus finance his trip to America? Answer: With the Discover Card.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Show me where Stalin's buried and I'll show you a communist plot.

When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"

This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Four bucks," says the bartender. "Put it on my bill."

A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man who shot my paw."

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

I was on an elevator the other day, and the operator kept calling me 'son.' I said, 'Why do you call me 'son'? You're not my father.' He said, 'I brought you up, didn't I?'

I get enough exercise just by pushing my luck.

Without geometry, life is pointless

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and on the table was a checkered tablecloth. It took him 2 hours to pass me the salt.

I went to a seafood disco rave last week and pulled a mussel.

What is the difference between one yard and two yards? A fence

Have you heard about the lawyers word processor? No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that developed a new drug which, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent? The FDA refused to license it, though. Seems it was habit-forming.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing around in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. About an hour later the manager comes out of his office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked as they moved along. "Because," said the manager, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."




There's just a few hehe, enjoy!


----------



## Wolfshead

Haha, they're good 

-----------

What's the hardest part of roller-blading?

Telling your parents you're gay!


----------



## Maggot

A rabbit walked into a bar he brought a ham and cheese toastie and he loved it. So every night he came back and had a different toastie. One night he didn't turn up, and during the night the rabbi's ghost flew through the window and said do you know why I died, Mixamatosties.


----------



## Erestor Arcamen

hahaha i like that maggot! anyways, heres more:

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate. 
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe. 
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. 
The job was only so-so anyhow. 
Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting. 
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard. 
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't note worthy. 
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience. 
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in. 
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell. 
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. 
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp.

A King ordered the heads of several of his counts chopped off because they refused to reveal where they had buried their treasures. As the axes began to fall, one count decided to change his mind, but it was too late. Moral: Don't hatchet your counts before they chicken. !"

A hangover is the wrath of grapes

A lady wrote to an advice column in a newspaper: 'I have been engaged to a man for some time, but just before the wedding, I find he has a wooden leg. Do you think I should break it off?'

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. Oh my, I am so sorry, the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! ! You know, he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" No, she replied, "You just happened to catch my eye."


----------



## Starbrow

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin,
Texas:

Things I've learned from my Boys (honest)... 


1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a
2000 sq. ft. house, 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run
over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 

3. A 3-year old Boys voice is louder than 200 adults
in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the
motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy 
wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is 
strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to
spread paint on all Four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling
fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have 
to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesnt stop
a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh 
oh" its already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots
of it.

9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint
rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only 
do it in the movies.

10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive
tract of a 4-year old Boy.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the
same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever. 

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming
pool you still cant walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCRs do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though 
TV commercials show they do. 

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when
driving.

18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor
is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; 
plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute
response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not
make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy. 

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the
Clorox and brake fluid.



On 11/23/05, Alfred the Friendly Balrog <[email protected] > wrote: 
Yea for Rufus' Hero List!!!!!!

*hugs Rufus* 



-- 
Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws.
~~
Douglas Adams 




-- 
In my experience there's no such thing as luck.


----------



## Wolfshead

Starbrow said:


> 24. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.


Yep, when I get home for Christmas and have the ingredients


----------



## AraCelebEarwen

Did you hear what happened to Donald when he went to the bar?



Someone slipped him a mickey and he got a little goofy.

What a wise quack!  HAHA! 


I’m going to bed now...


----------



## Starbrow

>A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde gal in a 
convertible 
>sports car for speeding. She walks up to the car and asks the blonde 
>for her driver's license. The blonde convertible driver searches 
>through her purse in vain. Finally she asks, "What does it look like?"
>
>The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with your 
picture 
>on it." The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out 
>her compact, opens it, and sure enough sees herself.
>
>She hands the compact to the blonde cop. After a few seconds looking 
at 
>the compact, the blonde cop rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to 
>the blonde convertible driver, and says, "If you would have told me 
you 
>were a police officer when I first pulled you over, we could have 
>avoided this whole thing."
>
>Received from Bob Seegmiller.


----------



## e.Blackstar

Teehee, I've heard that before.
Good times.


----------



## Starbrow

Here's another blond joke for you.

A blonde finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and 
>she's
>in serious financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask 
>God
>for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my 
>business
>and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please 
>let
>me win the lotto."
>
>Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it.
>
>The next day she prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my
>business my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."Lotto night comes 
>and
>she still has no luck.
>
>Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my
>business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often 
>ask you
>for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me
>win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
>
>Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and the
>blonde is confronted by the thundering voice of God Himself...
>
>
>"Sweetheart, work with Me on this........... Buy a ticket."


----------



## Starbrow

A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts 
>wherever she touches it.
>
>"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
>
>She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes 
>her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches 
>makes her scream.
>
>The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"
>
>"No," she says, "I'm actually a blonde."
>
>"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."


----------



## Starbrow

I just got these today and thought I'd share them with you.



"Dear Lord," the preacher began with arms extended and a rapturous look 
>>> on
>>> his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."
>>>
>>> He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little 
>>> girl
>>> (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite
>>> audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"
>>>
>>> Church was pretty much over at that point...





Subject: Jesus versus Satan using computers

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two
hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets.

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports.

They did every job known to man.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming: "It's gone! It's all GONE! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said.....

"Jesus saves"


----------



## Starbrow

With apologies.

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent 
word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. 
The 
bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went 
up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing 
several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it 
a 
day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was 
there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was 
incredulous."You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man, "Observe!" 
And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful 
melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced 
he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing 
forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong 
out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned 
bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had 
gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they 
had 
heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop 
through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know 
his name," the bishop sadly replied, ... "but his face rings a bell."

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his 
heart 
due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop 
continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first 
man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the 
poor 
armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. 
I 
pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this 
duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the 
armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first 
bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on 
the 
spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second 
tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is 
this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly. "I don't know his name," 
sighed the distraught bishop, ... "but he's a dead ringer for his 
brother."


----------



## Durin's Bane

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. 
So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. 
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email. 
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. 
After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: 

To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived
Date: April 6, 2006
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. 
P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!


And another one:

One morning, an old lady goes to the grocery store to buy cat food for her little cat. She looks around and picks the most expensive kind of cat food. As she approaches the cashier, she tells her, "Nothing but the best for my little kitty." 
The clerk tells the old lady that she can't sell her the cat food because a lot of old people buy cat food to eat it. She then tells the old lady that she needs proof that she has a cat. So the old lady goes home, takes her cat, and drags it to the store. 
Once the clerk sees that the old lady actually has a cat, she sells her the cat food. 
The next day, the old lady goes to the grocery store again this time to buy dog food. She looks around and picks the most expensive kind of dog food. As she approaches the cashier, she tells her, "Nothing but the best for my little puppy." 
The clerk tells the old lady that she can't sell her the dog food because a lot of old people buy dog food to eat it. She then tells the old lady that she needs proof that she has a dog. 
So the old lady, who is now very frustrated, goes home, takes her dog, and drags it to the store. Once the clerk sees that the old lady actually has a dog, she sells her the dog food. 
The next day the old lady goes back to the grocery store with a jar in her hands. The jar is covered with old newspapers and it has a little hole at the top. The old lady goes directly to the clerk and politely asks the clerk to stick her finger in. 
The clerk immediately refuses because she is afraid that the old lady has a snake inside. The old lady assures the clerk that there is nothing in the jar that will bite her. So the clerk sticks her finger inside the jar and feels around. 
She tells the old lady that whatever is inside, is very soft and mushy. The old lady now tells the clerk to take her finger out, and smell it. The clerk does what she is told. As soon as she begins to smell her finger, she starts to yell, "this jar is full of **** and my finger smells like ****." 
The old lady, with a smile from one ear to the other, tells the clerk, "Very well. Now Do you think I can buy three rolls of toilet paper?"


----------



## Wolfshead

Time to ressurect one of my better achievements methinks...

--------------------

Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.

The patient replies:
"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

Blair is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.

The patient responds:
"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the PM moves onto the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."

Now seriously troubled, Blair turns to the accompanying doctor and asks
"Is this a psychiatric ward?"

"No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."


----------



## Wolfshead

Oh, and a topical joke as well...

Man walks into a doctors surgery. "Doctor, doctor, I keep dreaming that I wrote The Lord of the Rings". "Well", the doctor replies, "it seems as if you're Tolkien in your sleep."

I'll get my coat.


----------



## Starbrow

Ouch, that was bad. I confess it made me chuckle, though.


----------



## Noldor_returned

Starbrow said:


> Ouch, that was bad. I confess it made me chuckle, though.


I agree, but I didn't get the Blair one. I take it Burns is some politician guy.


----------



## Wolfshead

Noldor_returned said:


> I agree, but I didn't get the Blair one. I take it Burns is some politician guy.


Tut tut, he's only Scotland's most famous poet...!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_Burns


----------



## Noldor_returned

Makes much more sense now...thanks wolfshead


----------



## Ermundo

I like you're second one better (wolfshead), but they're both...interesting.

Here's one joke I found on the internet.

*Things you wouldn't know without movies*

. It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts- your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.


----------



## AraCelebEarwen

Given that I haven't see anyone else do a post like this, I'm hoping it's not something that will bring anything down on my head; though I'm guessing it won't. Someone just found these and gave me the links...

Anyone ever heard of Halo? Now how about Monty Python?..   *hides*

The Argument: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ipaN4Jxqco

Knights of the Round Table: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nx3l8sr0t2k

How not to be Seen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UvmU2IUH-bk


----------



## Noldor_returned

Seen and got them all on DVD Ara...much better quality and can watch them over and over with no cost as well. No d/ls required 

I do have a joke though...

A man and a giraffe walk into a bar. They both get smashed, and the giraffe collapses on the floor. The man walks out and the bartender says to him, "you can't leave that lyin' around!"

So the man says to him, "that's not a lion, that's a giraffe!"

And this works with all of your favourite African animals. Even a lion:

A man and a lion walk into a bar. They both get smashed, and the lion collapses on the floor. The man walks out and the bartender says to him, "you can't leave that lyin' around!"

So the man says to him, "that's not a lion, that's a lion!"

They probably work better when spoken...


----------



## yhwh1st

A frog walks into a bank to take out a loan to buy a boat. 
The teller, who's name is Patty Wack, says: "I'll need some collateral."
The frog then replied, "No problem", and handed her a tiny porcelin pig.
Patty looked quizically at the frog and said, "I need to run this by my boss first."
Entering the office she said, "There's a frog who needs a loan to buy a boat and he gave me this pig for collateral. What is it?
Her boss replied, "It's a nic-nack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rollingstone.

Cheesy I know.


----------



## yhwh1st

Here's something I found that I think would qualify as a joke.  don't hit me YayGollum! *hides*









or


----------



## Noldor_returned

Verrry Nice, High Five!!!

That counts...and I can just see it now...Druglord of the Blings...Sauron, and his g-unit of Nazgul, who are all in the hood  Anyone want to carry this further please PM me...


----------



## yhwh1st

Here's an example of how good at math I am.  
http://youtube.com/watch?v=pUmVe9qnw7E


----------



## Erestor Arcamen

here's a small one:

How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?

She fell out of the tree haha


----------



## Noldor_returned

-_-

That's as dry as the Sahara 

Two Irishmen named Paddy and Jock are walking through the bush when Paddy falls down a cliff, and survives. Jock calls down, "Paddy, are you alright?"
Paddy responds "yes, I'm fine"
Jock then answers, "Okay well I'm going to throw down this rope to you. Hold on and I'll pull you up."
Paddy calls up, "my arms are broken. I can't hold on."
So Jock says, "Well can you grip it with your legs?"
Paddy answers, "No, they're broken too."
Jock then calls out, "Can you hold on with your mouth?"
Paddy calls out alright and does so. As he's about 5m from the top, Jock asks, "Are you alright?" and Paddy opens his mouth to answer but all that came was, "AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH".


----------



## Durin's Bane

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it

(THIS GETS BETTER!)


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.


----------



## Noldor_returned

AraCelebEarwen said:


> Anyone ever heard of Halo?


 
That reminded me of the red vs Blue cartoons. Absolutely hilarious. Google it and it should be on roosterteeth. There are 5 seasons I think, maybe more.


----------



## e.Blackstar

Q: Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?














A: Fo' drizzle!


----------



## e.Blackstar

Durin's Bane said:


> A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
> 
> 'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
> 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
> 
> A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
> 
> Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
> 
> The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
> 
> 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
> 
> 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
> 
> 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
> 
> 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it
> 
> (THIS GETS BETTER!)
> 
> 
> The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
> 
> 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
> 
> 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
> 
> 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
> 
> 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
> 
> The women won.





Except...computer IS feminine in Spanish.


----------



## Durin's Bane

A little old lady is on a bus, buying a ticket from the
bus conductor, fumbling in a voluminous bag for the correct change.
After 15 minutes the conductor becomes so enraged that he hits her on
the head with the ticket-dispenser, and the poor old dear dies
instantly. Not surprisingly, he is convicted and put on death row.

Just before he is to be electrocuted, his last request is for 12 pounds
of bananas, which he devours.

They strap him into the chair, flip the switch, and he just sits there,
smiling. According to tradition, this is considered a reprieve from
God and he is freed.

Somehow he gets his old job back, and he is happily dispensing tickets
when he sees a girl stick her gum on the back of a seat on the bus.
Enraged, he lunges out with the ticket dispenser, breaking the
offender's neck and killing her.

Again, he is convicted and sent to death row. He again eats the 12
pounds of bananas, and lo and behold, the electricity does not harm him.

This time the executioner cleans the contacts, makes him sit in a bucket
of water, he tries everything but the conductor won't die. So again, he
is set free.

Amazingly he regains his job. It takes him 1 day to lose his temper and
beat to death a young boy who starts to chew his bus ticket. He returns
to death row, eats the bananas, and survives the electrocution.

At this point, the executioner can take no more, his professional
pride has been hurt. Before setting our friend free again, he asks him
his secret, "what is it with the bananas?"

"Oh, the bananas have nothing to do with it," replies the man. "I'm just a bad
conductor."


----------



## Durin's Bane

Several scientists die and go to heaven. They decide to play hide and seek. Einstein covers his eyes and begins counting to 100. Everyone else starts hiding, except Newton - he draws a square that is one meter by one meter and stands in it. When Einstein opens his eyes, he finds Newton standing in front of him.

Einstein says, “Newton’s out! Newton’s out!”

Newton denies it and claims that he is not Newton. All the scientists come out, so he proves that he is not Newton.

How?

Newton explains, “I am standing in a square with an area of one square meter, which means that I am actually Pascal….since one newton per square meter = one pascal.

“So, really, Pascal is OUT.”


----------



## Prince of Cats

Haha thanks for the chuckle DB


----------



## Durin's Bane

A man in a hot air balloon, realizing he was lost, reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended further and shouted to the lady "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in IT," said the balloonist.

"Actually I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault..."


----------



## ddemetrius456

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death.
Question: How come?
Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling) followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines. This is sent to you by an American, using Bill Gates's technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that use Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.
That, my friends, is Globalization!!

___________________________
*Dining Room Furniture
*


----------

