# Things LOTR Characters would never say



## Tao (Feb 23, 2002)

Here we go...


Someone start, I'm not good at these things


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## Lorien (Feb 23, 2002)

1.Me n'you baby, tonight my place, how about it?- GANDALF/frodo/bilbo
2.Lets get high man!- SAURON
3.I want to quit.- Aragorn/sauron/gandalf
4.Yeah right, kiss my ass!-Arwen/eowyn/theoden
5.My face, your ass boy!- anyfool to any ENT... 

They're pretty bad but its the best i could do.

P.s. they're not all that rigid, you can flex the characters who wouldn't say it


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## Tao (Feb 23, 2002)

It would make more sense if you said which characters wouldn't say that.


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## Wood Elf (Feb 23, 2002)

Things they would NOT say:

Elrond to Aragorn: Sure, you can have her(Arwen), whatever man.

Legolas: Oooo! Let's jump in the mud puddle!

Pip: Me hungry? No thanks, I'll pass!

Hehe, this is fun!


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## YayGollum (Feb 23, 2002)

'Sup dude?-Anybody
Gollum is the hero!-Anybody(mostly the evil Sam)
Good thing Gollum was there to help us out!-Anybody(mostly the evil Sam)
Praise Gollum with great praise!-Anybody


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## tookish-girl (Feb 23, 2002)

Frodo -"Whoooa-whooooa, Oooh, thank goodness, I nearly fell over then, but regained my balance sucesssfully."

Gimli -"Aren't elves cool?"

Aragorn -"I think I'll go and shack up with Goldberry instead, she's alot less high-maintanence."

Merry -"Smoking is seriously bad for your health."

Sam -"Ah, Frodo, get lost, you wuss!"

Gandalf -"I didn't turn up to Bree, because I couldn't be bothered!"

Elrond -"Hey everybody! How are you today, I'm feeling just great!"

Pip -"I'm on a alcohol-free, calorie controlled diet for the rest of this quest."

Tom Bombadil -"............." (He loses his voice)

Bilbo -"Go know, I actually didn't do anything to that dragon at all."


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## Diabless (Feb 24, 2002)

Gandalf
Deserve it. I daresay he does tht stinking little wretch! Die!

Sauron
Saruman, I give you the lost kingdom of Arnor. All that land is yours to rule.

Aragorn
(whines) but I wanna marry Arwen! Why cant I?

Shadowfax
Ok, wizard. I did not know we were going to go on an adventure. Can I go back to Rohan now?

Frodo
Sam , this is so exciting. i can't wait to go to Mordor. There's Mt. Doom, and Shelob, oo we can go to Cirith ungol and minas Morgul! It will be just like the Shire!


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## Gary Gamgee (Feb 24, 2002)

Gollum 'what a beautiful morning'

Gandalf 'oh just give him the bloody thing'

Sam on the banks of the great river to Frodo in the boat 'bye'


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## Wood Elf (Feb 24, 2002)

Boromir to Frodo: "You can keep the ring, Frodo, but thanks for asking me."

Galadriel: (singing)"Ding dong, Gandalfs' dead, the wicked wizards' dead!"

Elrond: "Sure, you can go (on the quest) too Glory! Let's throw in 15 more elves! Heck, the more the merrier!"

Hehe..keep 'em comin'!


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## Beleg Strongbow (Feb 25, 2002)

> _Originally posted by Wood Elf _
> *Boromir to Frodo: "You can keep the ring, Frodo, but thanks for asking me."
> 
> Galadriel: (singing)"Ding dong, Gandalfs' dead, the wicked wizards' dead!"
> ...





Gollum: Anything i can do for you frodo sir???


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## legoman (Feb 25, 2002)

Just have to say genius:


> Gandalf 'oh just give him the bloody thing'



oh and tookish a close second so far:


> Frodo -"Whoooa-whooooa, Oooh, thank goodness, I nearly fell over then, but regained my balance sucesssfully."


and


> Sam -"Ah, Frodo, get lost, you wuss!"



I don't think I could better those if I tried.


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## ssgrif (Feb 25, 2002)

Sam: "This is it, one more step and it'll be the furthest away from home I've ever been"

Frodo: "God Sam you're such a wuss"

Sam: "Right, thats it, I'm off home"


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## ssgrif (Feb 25, 2002)

Sorry, just thought of a better one:

Gandalf to the Balrog on the bridge in Moria:

"After you..."


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## tookish-girl (Feb 25, 2002)

> _Originally posted by ssgrif _
> *Sorry, just thought of a better one:
> 
> Gandalf to the Balrog on the bridge in Moria:
> ...



Ooooh, Classic!

What about this?

Aragorn: Who cares? I'm the King!

Boromir: AH, it's just a piece of jewelery really.


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## Beorn (Feb 25, 2002)

Shagrat & Co.: Ahh, just let 'im...can't do much harm

Black Rider: Do you like scary movies?


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## Anduril (Feb 25, 2002)

Thorondor: I'd like to fly away, to fly awaaay...

Saruman: Hey, do you want to see this little marble of mine?

Elrond: If you ant to schedule a meeting, please, send me a memo...


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## Tao (Feb 25, 2002)

Frodo (to Sam): Here, you can have it. (the Ring)

Sam (to Frodo): Idiot!

Gollum (to Sam): Erm...I'll just come right out and say this...I LOVE YOU MAN!

Sam (back to Gollum): Let's never fight again.

These suck, I know...




> Gandalf to Balrog: After you...



This is great man..classic


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## Lorien (Feb 26, 2002)

Sauron- "Thats my rrinngggg give it baaaackkkkkkkk, you'd better or i'll tell my mommmmmyyyy....."

Gandalf- "Hey, lets tell jokes!!"

Legolas- "I want to marry Gimli dad.We're going to have a double marriage too, Frodo's hitching up with Sammy"

Any Elf- "Damn that orc is HOT!"

Arwen- "Hey Boromir want to make out?"
Aragorn- "I thought you loved me......"
Arwen- "You're a wimp i had to come a save your skin and besides Boromir here is richer than you are. Oh, and i'll have my necklace back please. (in the movie)"


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## ssgrif (Feb 26, 2002)

Frodo: "You're late"

Gandalf: "A wizard is never late, erm, actually yes I am a bit late, sorry. Do you have any idea how old and senile I am? You expect too much of me young Frodo Bobbins"

Poor old Gandalf, losing his Palantiri's again.


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## Lindir (Feb 26, 2002)

Boromir: 'Let the Ring be your weapon, if it has such power as you say. Take it and go forth to victory!'

Elrond: 'Yes, you are right Boromir, we can use the Ruling Ring. I will take the Ring to wield it.'


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## tookish-girl (Feb 26, 2002)

That Frodo and Sam thing reminds me of something (say it aloud in a 'Sam' type accent)

Sam: Oh mister Frodo sir, I love you so much, I'm going to dump that Rosie Cotton trollup and have 13 kids with you instead!

Frodo: Oh, shut up, peasant!


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## Legolam (Feb 26, 2002)

Gwaihir to Gandalf, on the way to pick up Frodo and Sam:

"No! I've had enough of picking up your rabbits. YOU go and get them!"


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## Gary Gamgee (Feb 26, 2002)

Legolas- 'I cant see a thing'

Galadriel- 'Will you look into my puddle'

Galadreil(again)- 'Instead of a husband i have got a Queen'


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## Anduril (Feb 26, 2002)

Cirdan: Ok guys...I'm in big trouble...I can´t swim...


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## Goldberry344 (Feb 26, 2002)

*funny stuff*

LOTR diaries ok, I think this is funny. and i think this is too, but it may just be my stupid sense of humor. but imagine 
Boromor:can i have the ring, Frodo?
Frodo: ya, sure, but it has some weird side effects.


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## Anduril (Feb 26, 2002)

Ok Goldberry...you have a point.
It was a nice move...


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## Gary Gamgee (Feb 26, 2002)

*Re: funny stuff*



> _Originally posted by Goldberry344 _
> *LOTR diaries ok, I think this is funny. and i think this is too, but it may just be my stupid sense of humor. but imagine
> Boromor:can i have the ring, Frodo?
> Frodo: ya, sure, but it has some weird side effects. *



Those diaries are brilliant LMAO only read Gandalf will read more.

Sam slightly out of control. Constantly bathing Frodo. 

back to subject

Bombadil- 'hey hairy doll, your a very hairy doll'


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## Goldberry344 (Feb 26, 2002)

I acctually thought that Frodos diary was the best, and Boromirs. 

Frodo- c'mon Sam, danse with Rosie!
Sam- no, thats not really what i was thinking of doing with her, mr frodo.....


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## Bill the Pony (Feb 26, 2002)

*Re: funny stuff*



> _Originally posted by Goldberry344 _
> *LOTR diaries *


 These are great. Especially:
"Arwen: Went all the way to the Gap of Rohan only to find there is no Gap in Rohan. Not even a Banana Republic. False advertising!"

So that's why Gandalf took the company through Moria. He knew there was no Gap of Rohan!


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## Anduril (Feb 26, 2002)

This kind of humor is delightful...I found it very "english fashioned"...


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## Wood Elf (Feb 26, 2002)

Legolas- "AHH! I'm going bald!!!"

Pippin- "No Merry, that is not funny. Seriously, I think we should act our age more..."

Frodo- "I think I will go buy some nike sneakers for the rest of the journey!"

Shelob- "Sure, you can just walk right past, make yourselves at home, drinks anyone?" 

Riders of Rohan- "Ok, lets turn back, we look like a bunch of pansies riding around all day in braids." 

Goldberry- "Seriously Tom, I think we should date other people..."

Tom Bombodillo- "Get the heck outta my woods, damn hobbits!"

Elrond- "hobbits, they are like a cancer, a virus, eating away at the fabric of our society.."

Hehe, keep them comin'! These are great!


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## Goldberry344 (Feb 26, 2002)

The diaries reminded me a lot of Monty Python (speaking of the English) well. a lot of things remind me of Monty Python. I have an, er, obsession with monty Python.  

Sauron-Build me an army worthy of Mordor!
Sauroman- ok, that should be easy. your not worth that much. im only after your ring!


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## Gary Gamgee (Feb 26, 2002)

Gandalf- 'Eleanor I was in my youth'


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## Goldberry344 (Feb 26, 2002)

Sauron- My eye is watering. You know, the lidless one!


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## Gary Gamgee (Feb 26, 2002)

Gandalf- 'will someone get some Optrex for Sauron quick'


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## Kit Baggins (Feb 27, 2002)

Sauron (to anyone): OK, I'll let you off this time.


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## DGoeij (Feb 27, 2002)

Treebeard: 'Let's make a great bonfire and celebrate our vicotry!'


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## tookish-girl (Feb 27, 2002)

GOLDBERRY, THOSE DIARIES ARE AMAZING!!!!!!Sorry, only capital letters would do, nothing to do with Caps lock or anything, love the bit about Gollum been torured with endless showings of Elijah Wood movies. Anyway: 


Frodo: Hey, give me the optex! My eyes just aren't blue enough....


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## 7doubles (Feb 27, 2002)

gandalf, "where in the blue heavens are we?"
legoles, "im sleepy"


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## Gary Gamgee (Feb 27, 2002)

Shelob to gollum- 'Why didnt you call me? I thought i'd see you again'


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## Wood Elf (Feb 27, 2002)

LoL guys! 

Pip in Rivendell: "I think I will sit down and study these maps, to further enhance my knowledge of the journey." 

Legolas: "Man, I can hardly walk through this deep snow!"

Frodo: "Here Gollum, here's the ring, I brought it just for you!"

Gollum: "Hey Sam, can we havess us some rabbit stew? These fishees are not tassty!"

Orcs: "Snuggle time!"

Theoden: "Gandalf, I think I'm gonna have to go with Saurman. Sorry, but the guys' really got it goin' for him!"

Shadowfax: Comes limping over the grass, and falls over.


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## Goldberry344 (Feb 27, 2002)

Tookish-girl, the best part about the diaries is that you can buy tshirts and stuff with the sayings on them here . My favorites are the "Still the prettiest", "Still not king" and "Sam will kill me ones". I also kinda like the "had enough, off to mordor" one.    

Gollum- Dammit, my precious is tired of speaking in 3rd person.

Legolas-I'm too old for this.


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## 7doubles (Feb 28, 2002)

smegul:i got a gullum stuck in my thorax!


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## Anduril (Feb 28, 2002)

Aragorn: Ok guys..you can call me "The Lone Ranger".

Any orc: I think I MUST take a good bath...with bubbles...


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## 7doubles (Feb 28, 2002)

lone ranger,lol


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## Lucie Baggins (Feb 28, 2002)

any troll: did you know that the square root of 954,384 is 976.3?


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## Anduril (Feb 28, 2002)

Sam to Frodo: Stop bother me and go find your own breakfast!!!!

Tom Bombadil: I'm really bored of this forest. I'm moving to NYC


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## Goldberry344 (Feb 28, 2002)

What if Goldberry ditched Tom, straightened her hair, dyed it black and ran after Aragorn?? im not saying thats what im gonna do, but it would be different.


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## Gary Gamgee (Feb 28, 2002)

> _Originally posted by ssgrif _
> *Sorry, just thought of a better one:
> 
> Gandalf to the Balrog on the bridge in Moria:
> ...



PURE GENIUS

the best one so far made me laugh like mad

let's compile a top ten

GGG


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## Goldberry344 (Feb 28, 2002)

Little men careing about each other. rather cute really. 

ummm, how will we get a top 10?? and then someone could set up a poll with the 10 on it and we could rate them....


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## tookish-girl (Feb 28, 2002)

Awwwwwwww, what a lovely pic! 
Makes you wonder where the carrot is, doesn't it?


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## Goldberry344 (Feb 28, 2002)

it has fallen into shadow with Gandalf and The Pointy Hat. Frodo misses the Pointy Hat. Pip misses The Carrot. does anyone miss Gandalf?


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## Bill the Pony (Mar 1, 2002)

Frodo at the crack of doom:
You ARE the weakest Ring. Good bye.


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## Camille (Mar 1, 2002)

the lord of the eagles: Flying always make me sick!!!

Elrond to Gorfindel; The Nazgul were out there!!! Why didnt you invited them to a cup of tea????

eowyn to aragorn: Why dont you give me your number?

an elf (whoever) I LOVE ORCS THEY ARE THE FUNNIEST CREATURES!!

Faramir to frodo: Give me that ring and get out of here you $#5%6¿& hobbit!!


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## Camille (Mar 1, 2002)

those diaries.... my God they are great!!!


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## Elbereth (Mar 1, 2002)

Pippin to Gandalf: Hey Gandalf...can we stop for few minutes. I've got to pee.

Merry to Pippin: This lembas is good stuff...but it gives me gas.

(oh, and those diaries where hilarious!!! Loved them!!!)


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## Anduril (Mar 1, 2002)

I think everyone who read them, love them...those diaries are a real HIT...


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## Greenleaf (Mar 1, 2002)

Any body: I really think we should go to mount doom this year instead of Rivindell.


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## Aroghel (Mar 1, 2002)

Gollum to Bilbo: "Hey go ahead! Keep the Ring! It was getting boring and old. . ."

Anybody: "Who wants to go out for some Chinese?

Sauron: when his finger is cut of in FotR: "Nooooo!!! My black handmade iron glove! You fool! My mother made that!!!


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## Tar-Palantir (Mar 2, 2002)

Gimli: a statement ANYWHERE in LOTR that's correct.

Arwen to Aragorn: "Eowyn's been in town. By the way, why's this rabbit in a boiling pot of water?"


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## Goldberry344 (Mar 2, 2002)

when the Orcs capture Frodo in TTT....
Frodo: you've got the wrong hobbit. see?? no ring. NO RING!!!


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## Goldberry344 (Mar 2, 2002)

Galadrial 

more cartoons LOTR style, hehehe


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## My_Precious (Mar 2, 2002)

*Re: funny stuff*



> _Originally posted by Goldberry344 _
> *LOTR diaries ok, I think this is funny. and i think this is too, but it may just be my stupid sense of humor. but imagine
> Boromor:can i have the ring, Frodo?
> Frodo: ya, sure, but it has some weird side effects. *


LMAO!!!!
Those "LOTR diaries" are hilarious!

"Suspect Sauron gearing up for something. Walked in on him applying ceremonial sparkly mascara. "
He-he-he-he...


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## Gary Gamgee (Mar 3, 2002)

Aragorn- 'She's done what? She fixed it! I LIKED it broken'


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## Aroghel (Mar 3, 2002)

Frodo and company on their way to Mount Doom: "We're off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz!"

Gandalf to Bilbo: "Is this pickle Dill or Sweet?"


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## Gary Gamgee (Mar 3, 2002)

Aroghel check out Lort the musical its great, if i do say so myself

GGG


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## Goldberry344 (Mar 3, 2002)

what about Sil:the musical performed by a naked legolas.... 
(if you dont get it read the LOTR diaries)


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## Camille (Mar 5, 2002)

ja ja ja yes that is good!!!


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## legoman (Mar 5, 2002)

Diaries. ho.


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## Goldberry344 (Mar 5, 2002)

i am SO happy that other people like the diaries, i thought that it might just be my immature sense of humor. but obviously not!! did anyone bother to read the Dude Where's My Ring story?? its sorta unfinished, but i like it so far!


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## My_Precious (Mar 5, 2002)

Yes, I'm past 7th chapter... "Wassup!!!!"


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## legoman (Mar 6, 2002)

You thought it was just your immature sense of humour. IT WAS, we just happen to all have one too!!!


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## tookish-girl (Mar 6, 2002)

Saruman after the birth of Lurtz (film only):
"Awwwww! Isn't he cute, come to dadda!"


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## legoman (Mar 6, 2002)

you know its weird but thats exactly what I pictured him saying.


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## Goldberry344 (Mar 6, 2002)

Thank you, Legoman.

Elrond: one of you must take the ring.
Frodo: dont look at me, dammit!!!


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## Forgotten Path (Mar 7, 2002)

I think the wicked wizard's dead is the best so far.




Elrond:Let's just pawn the Ring! I'm short on cash, man!

Faramir:HEY! Eowyn!...(pushes her off the wall of Minas Tirith)Aaaaaaaaaah!


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## LadyGaladriel (Mar 7, 2002)

Gandalf - Pippin you are mature and wise

Tom Bomadill having a nervous breakdown

Frodo to Gollum - You can have it
Gollum to Frodo - No I insit you have it

Elrond - Ill just ring up my buddy Sauron and see if he can come have tea


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## Treebeard (Mar 7, 2002)

Frodo- "Oh, I'm sorry Gollum! I forgot all about your birthday! I didn't get you anything! I guess I'll just give you this ring..."


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## Gary Gamgee (Mar 7, 2002)

Galadriel- 'ear yea are chuck pass us me cigs'


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## LadyGaladriel (Mar 8, 2002)

Sauron to Gandalf : Tell ya what , Ill give up this whole Ring thing if you give me Elronds Number


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## Treebeard (Mar 8, 2002)

Frodo: "Hey, everyone, I thought of a great way to pass the time...let's play ringtoss! I've got a ring right here!


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## LadyGaladriel (Mar 8, 2002)

Pippin : The Meaning of life is...

Sam : Thats it if i get one more broken nail im leaving!


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## Kit Baggins (Mar 8, 2002)

Legolas (to his hairdresser): I was thinking maybe a green mohawk?


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## elenya (Mar 8, 2002)

This is more like a conversation buuut...

Sam: Uh...Frodo? Where's the ring?

Frodo: What ring?

Aragorn(in backgroud): AAhhhhh!!! It's miiine!! I'll rule the world!!

Frodo. Oooh! THAT ring!


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## Tao (Mar 9, 2002)

Bilbo, after finding ring: Hm...it seems to be a ring. It's not like this will come in handy ever. *throws ring away*

Saruman: I am no long Saruman the White. I am Saruman the multicolored and everything fluffy and special!

Merry (while Pippin is asleep): Quick! Kick him while he's down! *starts to kick Pippin*

Yeah, I posted this at minas tirith.com...


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## ~Emerald Took~ (Mar 9, 2002)

Gandalfhehehe)I mean ,go on Frodo give the ring to the nice ringwraiths.


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## LadyGaladriel (Mar 10, 2002)

Boromir to Aragorn : Who on middleearth are you?

Aragorn To Bormoir : Oh no one special!


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## Legolam (Mar 10, 2002)

Aragorn to Denethor:

Nah, you can keep Gondor. Heck, here's my crown, I don't want to be king. I prefered up north to be honest. You guys down here are just way too weird and icky. See ya!


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## LadyGaladriel (Mar 10, 2002)

Gimili at Elrond Council 

Gimili to Legolas : Oh great you are coming ! We can braid each others hair!


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## My_Precious (Mar 10, 2002)

> _Originally posted by LadyGaladriel _
> *Gimili at Elrond Council
> 
> Gimili to Legolas : Oh great you are coming ! We can braid each others hair! *


LMAO!!!


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## LadyGaladriel (Mar 10, 2002)

Thank you


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## GollumtheGreat (Mar 10, 2002)

Gollum: Aw, you can keep the ring!
Sauron: Quick! Someone get my eye drops!
Dark Rider: Why are we wearing black cloaks? They are so in this age...
Frodo: Why are we on this Quest again?
Gandalf: I look so much better in white then Saruman...
Frodo: So I just have to walk great distances, avoid capture by orcs, enter Morder, resist putting the ring on and then throw it into Mount Doom? That easy?
Sam: Tom Bombadil? Who comes up with these names?
Pippin: That Tom Bombadil is a few dwarves short of a mountain, if you know what I mean...
Gandalf: (On the Dawnless Day) Alright! Who turned off the lights?!


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## Goldberry344 (Mar 10, 2002)

> Gimili to Legolas : Oh great you are coming ! We can braid each others hair!



OMG THIS IS GREAT!!! 
and by the way...did anyone ever wonder when Legolas and Gimli did get time to do their hair?? I mean, Legolas has these funky little french braids that would take forever to do and Gimli has double duty with his hair and his beard. Did they get up at 3 to do it?? what would they do if they were attacked before they could do their hair?? hmmmmmm.....

Galadrial (in the movie to Frodo)~ Umm, Im supposed to tell you i know what you saw, but can you tell me first because my power is getting kinda iffy.....


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## elenya (Mar 10, 2002)

Goldberry, I thought of this thanx to your post.

Legolas: *in battle with orcs* Hiya! Take that! Die! And....OMG!!! My haiiiiir!! He messed up my haiiiir!!*tuns off screaming* Eeeeee!!!


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## Tao (Mar 11, 2002)

This is hilarious.

That was great, elenya.


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## Legsofglass (Mar 11, 2002)

Gandalf - Damn skid marks!

Balrog - Is it hot in here or is it just me?

Gimli - Argh! Cut myself shaving!

Glorfindel - Bah! I don't belive in reincarnations!

Hobbit - Did you hear about that new microwave Lazagne?


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## Gary Gamgee (Mar 11, 2002)

Legolas 'yay yay a balrog has come'

Bilbo 'no Gandalf i'm not going anywhere, i'm staying here, i'm super-glueing the ring to my finger as we speak'

Gandalf- 'damn Hobbits'

GGG


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## LadyGaladriel (Mar 11, 2002)

How bout

Elrond : Im losing my memory!!!!!


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## Ordain (Mar 11, 2002)

LOL Legs! Those are great!

How's this:

Durin's Bane - *on the phone* So, you see Gothmog, I was at the salon when I get a call from Shirly. She told me about her new boyfriend Bobby and how her parents set her a curfue of 1:00 am. Poor thing! Oops, dropped my nailpolish, hold on!


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## LadyGaladriel (Mar 11, 2002)

Lol! 

How bout


Boromir ; That ring is sooo last age !!!


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## AlellaGreenleaf (Mar 11, 2002)

Legolas to Gladriel: Girl, you stole my crimper, I was so totally wearing that look 2000 years ago.


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## Goldberry344 (Mar 11, 2002)

NEW Secret Diary 
I havent read it yet...Its Elrond's, and theres a Ring Wrath in there too, but i saw it and i had to share the wealth before i read it....ENJOY!


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## elenya (Mar 12, 2002)

What if Legolas was named Popcorn Nymph and Gimli was Underpants Gnome? Just imagine all the possibilities....


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## Camille (Mar 12, 2002)

Hey gold berry I read the elrond's diary!! it was great you know which would be graet too Galadriel's diary " there is something else I what from you Frodo Baggins...."


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## tookish-girl (Mar 12, 2002)

Yaya! That new diary rocks!

Here's one:

Legolas: Helm's Deep? Not tonight, I'm washing my hair.


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## cortezthekiller (Mar 12, 2002)

LOL, very good one Tookish. Here's another along those lines:

Arwen: Helm's Deep? Nah, it's not in the book.


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## tookish-girl (Mar 12, 2002)

Arwen: Sorry! I don't do literature


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## Quercus (Mar 12, 2002)

Frodo to Sam:

Darn you Sam, you're nothing but a Ninnyhammer!


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## LadyGaladriel (Mar 12, 2002)

How bout
Frodo to Gollum :Hey can you hold this while i tye my toes togather (Passes the ring )


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## Goldberry344 (Mar 12, 2002)

Camille...its really weird that you said that...today my friend and i were talking about who else should have a diary...and we came up with Galadrial, Sauron and the Balrog

Balrog
Gandalf didnt show up for our date today. very mad at him

Gandalf showed Ringbearer the pointy hat trick today. was verry sad. thought Gandalf kept that between us. oh well, Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

HEHEHEHE PULLED GANDALF INTO SHADOW WITH ME....he is naked....lost pointy hat :^(

Gandalf ran away today. He killed me first. Talk about true love.

(OK, if it stinks its cause i made it up...)


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## My_Precious (Mar 12, 2002)

"Sam will kill him if he tries anything"... 
That's my favourite line


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## Goldberry344 (Mar 12, 2002)

Ya, it is the greatest line....now, Althea (thats me) will try Galadrial...

Day 1
Very boreing in Lotholorien. Mirror says Sauron is rising. Who cares? Mirror says cute blue-eyed ringbearer will save us. He is traveling along with a bunch of pervy-hobbit-fanciers now. Aragorn seems to like Ringbearer a lot. oh well. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

Day 2
Fellowship reached Lotholorien. Everyone looked sad. Gandalf died. boo hoo. never liked him. Ringbearer's eyes very blue when he cries.

Day 3
Maybe Aragorn has something going on with these small people. Drat it. I am NOT a Pervy Hobbit Fancier (PHF)

Day 4
Caught Legolas in my mirror. Found his hair in it too. Very mad. Did not know he has some short brown hairs too. mirror smelt oddly of strawberry bubble bath. i wonder.

Day5
Dang it...totally hit on ringbearer today. he ran away. was petrified. maybe i moved too fast.

Day6
Fellowship left. I gave ringbearer some light. I said "May it be a light for you in dark places." He gave me a pair of his pants. he said "May you never run out of trousers again." I think he likes me.

Ok i tried. not as funny as the real ones, but she acctually had time to think about them.


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## My_Precious (Mar 12, 2002)

lol, no, it's great!


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## Goldberry344 (Mar 12, 2002)

THANKS!!!!!


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## LadyGaladriel (Mar 13, 2002)

Sauron Diary xxxxxxx

Day 1 
Yes my plan has worked , that extremly goodlooking hobbit has the ring . Soon he will come to me!

Day 2 
My eye tells me that Gandalf has fallen into shadow. 
Oh other news A


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## LadyGaladriel (Mar 13, 2002)

aragorn so badly likes My hobbit!

Day 3 
Have sspecifically told my Nazgul to make sure they get my hobbit. 
Have prepared a candlelit dinner for him

Day 4 
Ahh!!!! No!!!!! My Hobbit has come into Morodr and im not even put on eyeliner!!!

Day 4 
Damn It!! My hobbit has tried to destroy me and has succeded .
Bummer


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## Lillyaundra (Mar 13, 2002)

Evil creatures are getting shorter and shorter lfespans these days!!


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## tookish-girl (Mar 13, 2002)

Oh, those are great you two!
I keep forgetting where all the strawberry bubble bath references originally started from......very funny though. Do you think Sauron, will eventualy succumb to Pippin's charms? Seems all the other PHFs have!


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## I.am.Smeagol (Mar 13, 2002)

Smeagol- 
"Ya know what preciousssss? I'm starting to get tired of all the fishhes..."

"Damn ring,, it doesnt go with any of my outfits.."

"Fine then, you lead the way Gollum! I am sick of all this, 'go catch the fissshess, Smeagol. Its your turn to shine the Precious, Smeagol.' I am so out of this deal, your on your own now, Gollum!"

"The lava of Mount Doom isnt /that/ bad..."


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## Goldberry344 (Mar 13, 2002)

Galadrial,,,, that was awessome, but you forgot the line "Sam will killhim if he tries anything."

how bout

between day 1 and 2... a new day....
Looking in my eye. Hobbit in Rivendell. Many bats. Like to watch those. Aragorn beginning to like ringbearer. hes such a pervy hobbit fanceir. oh well...sam will kill him if he tries anything.


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## I.am.Smeagol (Mar 13, 2002)

Though of s'more. ^_^

Elves-
"Why dont we write a song about Smeagol and how he destroyed the Ring?"


Sam-
"I actually miss the little green bugger."


Frodo-
"Okay, I admit it. I didnt destroy the ring-I wanted to use it for world domination.. It was all Smeagol."


Rossie Cotton-
"Ya know what? I think that Smeagol guy is kinda cute..."


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## tookish-girl (Mar 14, 2002)

May I just ask, has YayGollum changed his name or do we have another Gollum fanatic on the board? You two should get acquainted!

Anyway, 
Elves: Hey! Let's write a song about Pippin's amazing organisational skills!


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## Legsofglass (Mar 14, 2002)

Lieutenant of Mordor:
"Hmm, I think this Mithril coat is pretty kinky..."


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## tookish-girl (Mar 14, 2002)

Delia Smith: Now, here's a lovely recipe you can make with just two rabbits and a packet of lembas.....


(Get the feeling not many people out of the U.K. will get that one!)


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## LadyGaladriel (Mar 14, 2002)

Elrond To Gandalf :Lets get this straight! I do not care for the ring ! In fact stop coming to me for all your prblems , DO I LOOK LIKE AN AGONY AUNT??!!! common ! I have seroius things on my mind like Do these shoes go with this robe!


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## Goldberry344 (Mar 14, 2002)

Tookish... Its a new Gollum lover, she goes to my school. oh wait, she isnt a Gollum lover...She IS smeagol...

Frodo- Gollum, would you like to take the Precious to mordor??


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## Legolam (Mar 15, 2002)

Hey Tookish, that's a great one!!!!

ROTFL!


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## Tulidian (Mar 15, 2002)

How about these

Gandalf to Frodo-I will help you bear this burden if it is yours to....What am I saying? Get that thing away from me!

Sam/Pippin/Merry to Frodo-Cleary those black riders are only here to invite you for tea and crumpets.

Denenthor to Faramir-I wish that Boromir kid would stay away for good.

Saruman to Gandalf-Sure I'll come down.


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## Camille (Mar 15, 2002)

dont know if anyone has posted this yet but something that a LOTR character would never say is:
*LETS GO ORC HUNTING*


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## tookish-girl (Mar 15, 2002)

Surely you mean: Let's hunt some orc!

Which sounds even worse! You can get novelty mugs over here with Aragorn on and that quote! *muffled sniggering*


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## Camille (Mar 15, 2002)

*Yes!!*

Dont remember the quote but is the last thing that Aragon said at the PJ movie!! that was not ok at all!! or something like that:
If you want him come and claim him! (Arwen,  )


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## King_Telcontar (Mar 15, 2002)

Wormtongue- I am really a spie and i want to marry Eowyn


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## Kelkorian (Mar 16, 2002)

Sauron - Damn, those Orcs are fine!
Balrog - I'm siiiiiiinging in the rain!
Gandalf - I'm too old for this stuff...

Sam - Let's go have a McFlurry.
Frodo - Why? We can just have strawberries!


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## Gary Gamgee (Mar 16, 2002)

Dr Chris Steele's phone in...

'I know it's an old wives tale but sometimes there is alot of truth in these and the weed Athelas otherwise known as kingsfoil, does indeed work wonders for morgul wounds'


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## I.am.Smeagol (Mar 16, 2002)

Hahaha, this are great! I cant stop laughing! Keep em' coming!


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## Dûndorer (Mar 16, 2002)

gandalf: bilbo, lets light up some pipe weed and mellow out to some music, and get the munchies.

bilbo: i already have the munchies.


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## LadyGaladriel (Mar 16, 2002)

Pippin : actually come to think of it. Im not really hungary. I think im putting on weight


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## King_Telcontar (Mar 16, 2002)

I have found some more.
Galadriel: "Gimme the Ring! I'm going to take over the world! MWAHAHAHAHA!"
Aragorn: "I love you, Eowyn."
Boromir: "Minas Tirith sucks."
Gandalf: "Someone else can save the world. I'm going to put my feet up."
Ugluk: "OK Grishnakh, you can take command."
Gollum: Anything without the word "precious" in it somewhere.
Denethor: "Of course we're going to win this war!"
Eowyn: "Does anyone want some fresh-baked cookies?"
Sam: "Shut up, Frodo! I'm tired too, but do you see me complaining?"


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## King_Telcontar (Mar 16, 2002)

I found these and thought that they were kinda funny, I guess that they would fit in this thread.
Top Ten Muttered Comments That Nobody Heard During Lord Of The Rings 
10. "I'd kill for some fried fish and chips, but I can't spoil my image." - Gollum after turning down Sam's offer.
9. "What does he think I am, a taxi service?" - Gwaihir while carrying Gandalf AGAIN.
8. "I don't really want to defeat Sauron - I just need an engagement ring and every shop in Minas Tirith was sold out." - Boromir on Amon Hen.
7. "It's a pity I can't speak and therefore can't tell them about the Grand Unification Theory I just finished working on." - Bill the pony.
6. "In 5000 years time, people will denounce me for killing dark-skinned people." - Theoden at the Pelennor.
5. "Holy Eru, but that beard is gorgeous!" - Galadriel about Gimli.
4. "[CENSORED]" - Sauron as Gollum fell into the Crack of Doom.
3. "------ men." - Rosie after Sam went off on an adventure without telling her.
2. "In 5000 years time, people STILL won't know who I am! Hey dol, derry dol..." - Tom Bombadil.
1. "This would never have happened if I had given her that pony for her 112th birthday." - Elrond at Aragorn and Arwen's wedding.


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## pippin le qer (Mar 16, 2002)

Arwen:

puh! 2000 years a virgin and still daddy thinks up new delays


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## My_Precious (Mar 16, 2002)

Well, I don't think that Gandalf would say something like this


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## Dûndorer (Mar 17, 2002)

My_Precious that was a good one.


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## Kelkorian (Mar 17, 2002)

Important decisions LotR characters have decided to make:

Gandalf: I've decided to have a sex change.
Gollum: I've decided to buy a Harly.
Saruman: I've decided to enlarge my genitals.
Pippin: I've decided to NOT blow the horn of Gondor.
Frodo: I've decided to get my car fixed.
Sauron: I've decided to take a bath in choclate.
Legolas: I've decided to announce my coming out of the closet.


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## Dûndorer (Mar 17, 2002)

gimli: i decided to cut my beard


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## tookish-girl (Mar 17, 2002)

Shagrat: You know, I'm glad that hobbit sings so much, he really should do karoke.


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## Goldberry344 (Mar 17, 2002)

Pippin~ Hey, Boromir, the horn that you were carying around before wasnt this small....
Boromir~ Damn hobbit...if i tell you this is the horn of gondor, its the horn of gondor, ok??


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## Beorn (Mar 17, 2002)

Gandalf: Oh, don't worry about it Frodo, you can wear the ring whenever you feel like it!


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## pippin le qer (Mar 17, 2002)

and it matches your eyes so much better than it did Bilbo's


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## My_Precious (Mar 17, 2002)

Ok, I know it's a little bit out, but I dunno where to post it. So I would call it "Things LoTR characters would never own":
Saruman's desktop 
Sauron's desktop


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## I.am.Smeagol (Mar 17, 2002)

Those are GREAT! *I cannot stop laughing!* Make more!!!


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## My_Precious (Mar 18, 2002)

*Intimidated*
I would love to, but they're not mine...
Yep, found them on the net....


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## Legolam (Mar 18, 2002)

I love the bit on Sauron's desktop that says "feed the cat"!!!

LOL!


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## Kelkorian (Mar 18, 2002)

'Eres one:

Any Hobbit: Let's go get some bannanas!


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## pippin le qer (Mar 18, 2002)

> _Originally posted by Legolam _
> *I love the bit on Sauron's desktop that says "feed the cat"!!!
> 
> LOL!  *



was this a short notice for:
feed the cat to ALF, he has been hungry since he arrived on earth?


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## LadyGaladriel (Mar 18, 2002)

lol at those desktops
is there anymore?????


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## Anarchist (Mar 18, 2002)

Gandalf before Moria gate:
"Now where did I put the key. Hey guys does anybody have a credit card?"


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## My_Precious (Mar 18, 2002)

No, I didn't find any more desktops. I may make some (And test my computer skills  )


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## Goldberry344 (Mar 18, 2002)

those desktops were hilarious. i liked the webcam the best.... 

Im running out of funny things.  

perhaps i can try another diary....Celeborn?
(Starts the day the Fellowship reaches Lorien)
Day 1
V. upset. Galadrial wont take her eyes off of ringbearer. Sam will kill her if she tries anything.

Day 2
Went shopping today. Bought an nice new robe. Maybe it will attract Galadrial...

Day 3
No luck. Galadrial likes trousers. must try.

Day 4
Bought pants. also went to a salon. got a haircut, a perm and had my hair dyed brown. wish i were shorter. 

Day 5
Ringbearer noticed my change. Complimented me. He's rather sweet, really. Like his eyes a lot.

Day 6
Galadrial still hasnt noticed my change. V. distressed. Washed my hair in mirror. used nice strawberry stuff i found in the hobbit's packs. 

Day 7
Legolas is in troooouuuubllleeeee! Galadrial thinks he took the tub! never liked him much anyways. 

Day 8
Ringbearer gave Galadrial his pants. V. envious. will steal them asap. Galadrial noticed my hairdo today. not sure how she feels.


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## Dûndorer (Mar 18, 2002)

bilbo: gandalf, how much do you think i can make if i pawn this thing. i think its 24K.


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## LadyGaladriel (Mar 18, 2002)

Hey How about a Eowyn diary????

Day 1 
Hanging round Rohan today . No good looking guys. am starting to like Grima! Eeek! Theoden still mad bout shadowfax but as i told him, The Horse was on his last legs.
Day 2
Much excitement!!!! Gandalf with a very cute guy came haning around. 
Aragorn i think his name was ! Yay Go me!!! but the way he talked about The Hobbits i think he could be a PHF oh well sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Oh on other news Theoden walked out of our house today and looked about. 
Day 3 
Said goodbye to Aragorn , v. touching. Alas when will i see him again??????
Day 4
Moping
Day 5
Moping
day 6 
Well today actually Aragorn , begged him not to go to the paths but like a typical male went.
Day 7 
Rode into battle
saw aragorn 
was healed by him.
YAY GO ME
on other news Theoden is dead , Oh well never gave me money on my birthday.
Day 8
Aragorn Left
am moping till i saw Faramir . wow His for me!!!
Day 9 
Went shopping in Gondor 
No bad , they had a shoe discount!! YAY GO ME!


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## elfprincess (Mar 18, 2002)

lol!!! This thread is funny!!! I come up with crazy stuff about LOTR a lot too...but I can't think of anything good right now. I'll have to get back to you on that.


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## Rangerdave (Mar 18, 2002)

*Things they would never say.*

FRODO to SMEAGOL: Yeah I got yer Precious right here pal!


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## LadyGaladriel (Mar 19, 2002)

Nazgul to frodo : Dude! You are the little hobbit that my master is in love with. (To aragorn who is busy tryng to set fire to nazgul)Hey sir stop waving that thing in my face . I have a central heated coat now!!


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## Goldberry344 (Mar 19, 2002)

Whattabout...
Arwen-Dude, Aragorn, you're rugged look is really getting to me. i think ill marry Legolas, that way i can live forever, too


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## Turgon (Mar 19, 2002)

Smaug - 'A spectre is haunting Middle-Earth...'

or any orc 'Come and see the violence inherent in the system... Help! Help! I'm being repressed!'


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## Gary Gamgee (Mar 19, 2002)

Sauron 'my nose is itchy'


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## LadyGaladriel (Mar 20, 2002)

Gandalf to Galadriel : for gods sake girl. You are not meant to put my grey robe in the white wash!!!


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## Goldberry344 (Mar 20, 2002)

Sauron to the Repressed Orc...(Turgon)- Bloody Orc!

ok. my Sophmore friends suggested that someone (me)write the Ring's Diary. sooooo....

Day 1
Cut from Sauron's hand today. V. distraught. strange man took me. I shrunk....he put me on a chain so i cant get away....
Miss Sauron terribly.

Day 25
HAHA!! I am freeeeeee! Strange king-man killed....because of me.... On the down side, im on the bottom of a lake. This wouldnt have happened if i were with my man sauron.

Day 1256
Was pulled out of the lake by strange little creature. Then he died because of me. Another strange little creature likes me a lot. He pets me. not sure i like this odd behavior.

Day 1745
Still stuck with strange little creature. Why won't he die?? I'm getting so bored of his raspy "my preciousssssssssssss's" maybe i should leave him.
Miss Sauron horribly.

Day 1749
YES! I DID IT!! I RAN AWAY!!!

Day 1750
Damn. new strange little creature picked me up. maybe he knows Sauron. He talked with the other strange little creature. then he put me on and ran away. i wonder what is up.

Day 1790
Big day for strange little creature. he left me behind.  
Was picked up by new little man....named Frodo....when his blue eyes reflected in my shiny surface, you dont even want to know how special i felt! 
Miss Sauron tremendously.

Day 1805
Frodo is going on a trip. he is taking me with him. he thinks i dont know that he is going to destroy me. v. distraught. ill never get to say good bye to Sauron.

Day 1825
Frodo put me on accidentally. it made me so happy! i was hoping hed do that! then shady man pulled him into a room alone. i am the only one who saw what that man tried to do to my Frodo. no, not my frodo. 
Not so sure i miss Sauron.

I dono, its getting kinda long. ill stop now.


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## I.am.Smeagol (Mar 20, 2002)

Omg, thats so funny...


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## My_Precious (Mar 20, 2002)

WHAT?!!!! Goldberry344, who allowed you to post my private diary?!!!
Where did you get it?!!!!   
No, no, NO!!! This is not happening!!!


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## legoman (Mar 21, 2002)

That ring had better watch out, Sam will kill him if he tries anything!!!


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## tookish-girl (Mar 21, 2002)

Hahahaha! Wonderful lego!
It's great Goldberry, keep it up, I'm wondering if it'll get to have a bath and end up smelling of Strawberry bubble bath!


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## My_Precious (Mar 21, 2002)

> _Originally posted by legoman _
> *That ring had better watch out, Sam will kill him if he tries anything!!! *


I'm "she", not "he". Bubble bath - why not???


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## legoman (Mar 21, 2002)

No reason, I just thought it mostly seems to be men that go for Frodo and we all know why that is(hehe).
But if I am mistaken, well if I am then She really has even less chance (hoho).

You know I really should stop insulting one of the main characters of one of the main books of the forum.


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## Goldberry344 (Mar 21, 2002)

Sorry, my precious...but i did edit your diary a bit...left out your part in the nasty weekend with Sauron and Elrond....
ok, here i goooooo

Day 1829
OHNO! frodo hurt. v. distraught. buttttt....HE PUT ME ON!!! v. happy. I feel so loved. 9 strange tall men are trying to steal me, and Frodo wont let them have me. he loves me. 

Day 1835
Elvs. ewww. Frodo almost died. but he pulled through. he put me on a chain, so he will never lose me. 
Head elf man v. mad at Sam. so is odd pointy hat man. too many bubble baths. I happen to think that the Strawberry smell makes frodo sooo much more attractive. 
While in bath with Frodo, saw some odd things. never knew what could be done with a carrot before. v. educational.

Day 1836
feel v. exposed today. Frodo made me go alone in front of a whole group of people. Boromir OBVIOUSLY likes frodo. made some odd "we can use the ring to help us" comment. ya, right, only if he can take the ringbearer, too. oh, well, sam will kill him if he tries anything. 
On the down side, all the people want to throw me into a fire. oh well. Maybe frodo will come too.

Day 1839
Gandalf is totally checking frodo out. like 24/7. and how on middle earth did he get a hold of Pippin's carrot??

Day 1846
v. big day today. Aragorn and Boromir fought over who would carry me up the mountain. well...i guess carrying frodo was an added bonus, but Aragorn won. who does he think he is...The heir of Gondor? i mean just because he has a broad chest, firm, defined muscles, an outdoorsy tan and loads of manly stubble doesnt mean that he is fit to touch Frodo...i mean me. 
second, i fell off frodo. Boromir picked me up. he has rough, firm fingers, was having a good time, then aragorn kicked in. damn aragorn.
on the side, i think Legolas has something going on with Gimli.

Day 1850
Grey man died today. he freaked me out. showed frodo some sort of pointy hat trick. v. vulgar. speaking of tricks, i know this one...i can grow and grow and grow so big that, wait, what was i saying? got distracted. Legolas performing an odd variety of songs outside Moria. didnt know his bow was so.....
Really dont miss sauron.

ok. ill post again later.


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## My_Precious (Mar 21, 2002)

Still mad at you, but can't stop smiling - you posted the favourite part of my diary!
  


> While in bath with Frodo, saw some odd things. never knew what could be done with a carrot before. v. educational.


V. Educational indeed.


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## I.am.Smeagol (Mar 21, 2002)

*Giggles* GoldBerry, why didnt you bring this to class today? We would have had a great time freaking everyone out about strawberry bubblebaths and carrots.


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## Goldberry344 (Mar 21, 2002)

well, Smeagol, i sorta make them up as i go along!

Day 1852
In Lorien. So many elves i could barf. wait. no, i cant. v. pretty lady...has rather attractive ring...i got his number! Elf lady loves frodo. Sam will kill her if she tries anything. or can he??

Day 1854
welllllll, the elf lady is trying! Frodo offered me to her...she refused me! SCORE! im still with frodoooo! and poor frodo got all flustered around her....i dont think he's ever been hit on by a _girl_ before. 

Day 1859
well, we are out of elf country. boating. stuck in same boat as sam and aragorn. they take turns playing footsies with frodo. i dont think frodo is quite into it...he keeps looking longingly at Gimli's boat. he can forget about it. i mean we all know hes with Legolas. 

Day 1864
Boromir tried to steal me. So frodo put me on. his fingers are so soft. he was so scared and vulnerable. he had a talk with aragorn, and he started crying. it was going to me just me and him and the dark lord...then sam came. think sam is planning something fishy...keeps saying things like "Well, Mr. Frodo, its just you and me alone in mordor." is he hinting something??


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## I.am.Smeagol (Mar 21, 2002)

Tehehehe, these are great..


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## Goldberry344 (Mar 22, 2002)

im making my own website, sorta, and im putting the diaries i wrote on it...here's what i have so far


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## Arathin (Mar 22, 2002)

Ok these are great. Go Goldberry, wow. I'm in awe, but not total. sry freshman. hehe


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## Goldberry344 (Mar 23, 2002)

Sophmore, you should be in awe, i am in awe. i have too much free time. anyone have suggestions for the next diary?? this is really fun.


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## Khamul (Mar 23, 2002)

Thats a pretty decent site. I used the aol thing once, but I forgot some password stuff....


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## Goldberry344 (Mar 23, 2002)

thank'ee much, sting! i wish i could do more with it, but my parents wont let me buy a domain name


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## Arathin (Mar 23, 2002)

Hehe. Poor Freshman. Hehe. How about... Galadriel. That should be funny.


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## I.am.Smeagol (Mar 23, 2002)

*Mutters* Sophmoressss. Bah. ^_~


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## Arathin (Mar 23, 2002)

Very funny, other Freshman. hehehe. Fine it is even two sophomores (the betters) and two freshmen (the lower class school citizens)


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## Goldberry344 (Mar 23, 2002)

well, sophmore, or sophmores, you are slightly behind the times. i already did Galadrial, though i could work on it and make it better. 
and, speaking of school, freshman and i dont much appreciate you guys stealing our rap. i mean, seriously, im the one who's not king yet. and freshman is still the prettiest. sophmore M can be disembodied all she wants, but you, arathin, must find a different one. becase I am STILL NOT KING!


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## I.am.Smeagol (Mar 23, 2002)

OOOOOO! She got ya there, Soph. Plus,, I was the first to find the diaries, so NANANAN!


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## Goldberry344 (Mar 23, 2002)

oh, go jess! after you found them i posted them on this thread, and now everyone can smile!!!!!!!


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## Arathin (Mar 23, 2002)

Is that right, freshmen? Well, that doesn't matter much does it because you can be the still not king freshman, but I am the still not king sophomore. Hell we even have an un-disembodied still disembodied junior, (Stephen) So OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't mess with me freshman, I'm a sophomore!!! or is it lawyer?


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## Goldberry344 (Mar 23, 2002)

well, sophmore, you can be not king AFTER MY CORRINATION!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. and there are 9 ring wraths. so there can be 9 disembodied ppl but there is only one KING. and that is NOT me! yet.


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## Arathin (Mar 23, 2002)

Well then Freshman, I'll just have to kill you. That way I can be still not king, and then be king and rule the world!!!!! MUAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now I'm evil!!!


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## Goldberry344 (Mar 23, 2002)

no, if you killed me id still not be king!


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## I.am.Smeagol (Mar 24, 2002)

I would solve the argument, but this blasted spot just popped up on my nose. Stupid spot! Elven spots last at <i>least</i> 500 years. I's still not gone, God Damn it!


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## Arathin (Mar 24, 2002)

Well for a blasted spot, I would suggest a nice long bubble-bath in Queen Galadriel's mirror fountain. And don't believe her when she says that your hair clogged the drain.


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## Goldberry344 (Mar 24, 2002)

cause it was really her hair that clogged the drain...


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## Arathin (Mar 24, 2002)

No, it wasn't her's. The hair was Celeborn's. Hehe. Read his own dairy, you silly Elf/Smeagol. (btw, celeborn's and galadreil's are now on Goldberry's site. hehe. go and read them. hehe. v. funny and educational)


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## Goldberry344 (Mar 24, 2002)

YAY! i have my own advertisement service. if you guys want me to do other diaries, tell me and ill try....and put them on my site. yay. i think the ring's is my best so far.


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## I.am.Smeagol (Mar 24, 2002)

*Is writing my own autobiography. Weee, yes we are precious... Sssss*


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## Arathin (Mar 24, 2002)

By far!!! The ring was amazingly funny.


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## Goldberry344 (Mar 24, 2002)

c'mon you guys!! i need new ideassssss!!!!!

is the biography for iamsmeagol.net/?


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## I.am.Smeagol (Mar 24, 2002)

Yep, Yep. I shall wok on webpage over april break. Yeah!


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## Arathin (Mar 24, 2002)

Hurrah!


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## Goldberry344 (Mar 25, 2002)

ya. yay smeagol. yay hobbits. yay still not king.


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## Arathin (Mar 25, 2002)

Ah heck! YAY TO EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did I leave anyone out? Oh yeah! I did!

YAY TO NO ONE AS WELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## I.am.Smeagol (Mar 25, 2002)

*Blinks* Oh my. Thats right up there w/ Bilbo's Birthday Speach. *Goes off muttering in the corner.* Yay to everyone, yet Yay to No one... How can ti be everyone if we dont include no one, but if we include no one how can it be everyone... Deep.


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## Goldberry344 (Mar 26, 2002)

"I dont know half of you as well as i would like and i like half of you as well as you deserve!"


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## Arathin (Mar 26, 2002)

Yes, quite. That is very fine, well, and dandy, but mine is more original. It came from this age at least.


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## Goldberry344 (Mar 26, 2002)

ok. if you insist. :^) dont feel like argueing. 

Celeborn- hey, wheres my fluffy towel!

i dono.


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## Arathin (Mar 26, 2002)

*while everyone is arguing about who will take the ring* 

Frodo-Don't look at me! I won't take that stupid ring anywhere! Let Boromir have it, if he really wants it!


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## Shadowfax (Mar 28, 2002)

Balrog: Gandalf...

Gandalf:  

Balrog: I am your father!

Gandalf: NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOooooooo.....!


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## Rohansangel (Mar 28, 2002)

*Hehe.. this is fun*

"More ale? No, I'll pass." -Pippin/Merry
"We would be honored to have a dwarf such as Gimli stay with us." -any elf in Lorien
"Whaddaya say we all try to get along!" -Lord of the Nazgul

And this would just be IMPOSSIBLE-Gollum getting a sentence out without using the words, "My precious"!

~The Angel of Rohan


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## Arathin (Mar 28, 2002)

My precioussssss. ~anyone who hasn't worn the ring

Smeagol, be a dear and drop this ring in the fires of Mount Doom. 
Sure thing Frodo. You're the boss, dude.


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## Beorn (Mar 28, 2002)

Any elf: You only live once!


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## Goldberry344 (Mar 28, 2002)

sam: no, gandalf, i dont want to go with Mr. Frodo, im staying here and im marrying Rosie. and dont you play your magic tricks with me!


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## Shadowfax (Mar 28, 2002)

"Row, row, row, your boat, gently down the streeeeaaaaaammmmmm!"
-Aragorn on the Anduin

Oh, #@[email protected]%^&!
-Frodo on Weather Top


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## Strider97 (Mar 29, 2002)

Frodo to Gollum at the fires of Mt. Doom-

Damn it I told you to pull my finger


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## Goldberry344 (Mar 29, 2002)

i found this on a different thread....thought EVERYONE should see it..
Funniness


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## Frodo (Mar 29, 2002)

**

I got 1, 
Frodo: Ha ha, Gandalfs gone, now I can put on the Ri-ing!


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## I.am.Smeagol (Mar 29, 2002)

*Muahaha* That piccy is so funny Goldberry!


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## Goldberry344 (Mar 29, 2002)

Thankee much, Smeagol. I was gonna do Tom B's diary....but i have no funny ideas.


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## Rohansangel (Mar 29, 2002)

Ooh, he's not a bad boy. -Sauron's mother


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## Shadowfax (Mar 30, 2002)

Oh, bloody hell, I'm out of arrows.
-legolas in the movie
(he never seemd to run out of them does he?)


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## I.am.Smeagol (Mar 30, 2002)

Smeagol: Lets go tanning.
Aragorn: Okay, who said I wanted to be king in the first place?
Gimli: Does my beard make me look fat?
Legolas:Who stuck gum in my hair?


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## My_Precious (Mar 30, 2002)

LOl, these are good... 
I just posted here so you can see my new "location"...


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## Goldberry344 (Mar 30, 2002)

I see, using the thread, i dont know about this, My Precious.


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## Arathin (Mar 30, 2002)

Hehe. These are great. Hehe.

Frodo~Why are my fingers all pruny?
Sam~Umm.... It is a side-effect of the Morgul Blade, Mister Frodo.


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## Goldberry344 (Mar 30, 2002)

Gandalf~Samwise making stupid excuses to Frodo as to why his fingers are pruny. "its Elf Medicine, mr frodo. i didnt let you touch a bath. no way. and there was no carrot in the bath i didnt let you take. dont worry, we didnt let merry or pippin, or me, do anything at all with you" Seriously, who does he think he is, The Heir of Gondor or something??


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## My_Precious (Mar 30, 2002)

PEOPLE WHO NEVER READ BOOKS! I found a really nice site that gives it... mmmmm... a little bit shorter....   :

The Hobbit 
The Fellowship of the Ring 

The Two Towers 
The Return of the King 
Enjoy!


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## legoman (Mar 31, 2002)

They are cool, I've read the 2001:space odessy one before, its ace!!!


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## Goldberry344 (Mar 31, 2002)

Aragorn
We must travel the Paths of the Dead. 
Eowyn
You'll die. 
(They don't.)


that is the best line... this is great!!


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## Rohansangel (Mar 31, 2002)

OMG, these are sooo funny ... 
The diaries are great! Just read them! Haha!

~The Angel of Rohan


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## Goldberry344 (Mar 31, 2002)

ohhh, Rohan's Angel, did you look at my webpage?? i made up my own diaries, and they are there, i think they are funny, but thats me.


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## Arathin (Mar 31, 2002)

Goldberry they are funny. I like the Ring's the most. Hey My Precious. Those are great. Thanks for putting them up. I still like my prunny bath finger being a side affect of the blade wound though. That was good. You have to admit that.


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## My_Precious (Mar 31, 2002)

•What's the gooey stuff between a balrog's toes?
ANSWER: Slow orcs
•How many Tolkien purists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
ANSWER: None -- the lightbulb was not in the book!
•How many hobbits does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ANSWER: Well, it takes twenty because:
Three to find a ladder that reaches up to the sky
Seven to find a lightbulb in the dark halls of stone
Nine to steady the ladder so the one on top doesn't die
One to install the lightbulb, on the ladder, all alone
In a land called The Shire, where very few shadows lie.
•How many hobbits does it take to change a light bulb?
Hobbits? Using LIGHT BULBS??!! The sacrilege! This is supposed to be a peaceful nontechnological agrarian society! You can just BET this is something Sharky introduced, mutter mutter...


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## Arathin (Mar 31, 2002)

Those are great, my precious. I mean great.


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## My_Precious (Mar 31, 2002)

Thanks 
Eowyn, at the climax, swings her sword with all her might, and the sword breaks in two upon the Nazgul's neck; Eowyn snaps, "Damn those smithies," and strangles the Nazgul before the shocked Merry (who had his sword raised and prepared) and the shocked rider.


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## My_Precious (Mar 31, 2002)

Ice-Cream


----------



## Gary Gamgee (Apr 1, 2002)

> _Originally posted by My_Precious _
> *•What's the gooey stuff between a balrog's toes?
> ANSWER: Slow orcs
> •How many Tolkien purists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
> ...



 LMAO genius pure brilliance


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## My_Precious (Apr 1, 2002)

I'm happy you liked it...


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## Goldberry344 (Apr 1, 2002)

and the verdict on My_Precious' post by the Amateur Comedian is...


OMG THAT ROX!!! you are funnier than i am. but then again, i dont know how much effort that takes. but they are great newho


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## My_Precious (Apr 2, 2002)

Naaah, you're better, because your diaries are sooo cool, and you found the original ones!   
Do you like my sig?


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## Rohansangel (Apr 2, 2002)

'Eowyn, at the climax, swings her sword with all her might, and the sword breaks in two upon the Nazgul's neck; Eowyn snaps, "Damn those smithies," and strangles the Nazgul before the shocked Merry (who had his sword raised and prepared) and the shocked rider.'

HAHA! HAHA! HEE HEE HEE


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## Goldberry344 (Apr 2, 2002)

push, not pull...thats great. but acctually it was I.Am.smeagol who found the diaries first. i got them second. (we go to school together...) but thanks newho!


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## Arathin (Apr 2, 2002)

I will stay out of who is better, My Precious or Goldberry, because I would say My Precious. Really I can't tell which is better, but then their is the factor that I go to school with her and My Precious is very cool. So there I would say My Precious, but really, funny wise, I can't tell. I love the sig though My Precious. That happens to so many people. Hehe.


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## Goldberry344 (Apr 2, 2002)

you know what?? it doesnt matter, cause at the Tolkien Forum, we're all losers!

the score is......

My Precious: 7

Goldberry : 7


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## I.am.Smeagol (Apr 3, 2002)

Except for me. Because I am a winner. Because I found the diaries. Go me. ^_~


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## Goldberry344 (Apr 3, 2002)

no, smeagol, you are a loser too, and _you'd best _ lose that attitude...

lol


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## Arathin (Apr 3, 2002)

Turns around, shaking her head, and walks away from those two.


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## I.am.Smeagol (Apr 3, 2002)

*sighs* You two best start apriciating me and my lack of abuillity to spell. ^_~


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## Tarien (Apr 4, 2002)

Gandalf- Let me take the ring!! It's my 2000th birthday!!

Arwen- Sheloth? Apologise and I'll let you have the hobit.
Witch-King- Never!
Arwen- Okay....(river floods)
Arwen- take that!

Hobbit- Y'know, these holes are kind of dorky. How 'bout apartments? We could live far off the ground!! 
Other hobbit- Yippeeee!

Saruman- Here's the ring, Sauron. Would you like some tea, you @$^*^^?
Sauron- Yes. 
Saruman- And did I tell you that I'm wearing your ring, you nit?
Sauron- No.
Saruman- Ah-ha.

Cheesy, I know.


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## Chymaera (Apr 4, 2002)

Gaffer - "No beer for me thanks"


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## Rohansangel (Apr 4, 2002)

Mad Magazine LotR Spoofs...Very Funny! 

OMG they are so great!! Hehehe!

~The Angel of Rohan


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## Goldberry344 (Apr 4, 2002)

ive seen those magasine things, but they are FUNNY!    

Arathin, you'd best start working up some appreciation for the freshmen.


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## Istar (Apr 4, 2002)

Mad Magazine was awesome!!!
All in favor of referring to LOTR characters by the names Mad gave them? Yay or nay? Maybe just in Bag End, since the other boards seem too serious.

Istar


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## Goldberry344 (Apr 4, 2002)

its a good idea, but id forget what their names are, i forget my OWN name half the time!


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## Arathin (Apr 4, 2002)

I don't have to appreciate the Freshman. I'm king of Gondor. (not here) 

The freshman has very serious identity problems, and memory problems.


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## My_Precious (Apr 5, 2002)

ROFLMAO!!!!
Those are awesome!!!


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## Arathin (Apr 5, 2002)

What are??? I'm very confused.


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## Goldberry344 (Apr 5, 2002)

Thats alright, Arathin, you can be the "King of Gondor" all you want, but i am STILL NOT KING!!! mwahahahahaha....would you like a manly stubble update?? well, stubble on your legs can be pretty manly too, you know!


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## Arathin (Apr 5, 2002)

Of course it can be, Goldberry. Whatever you say. At least you're my subject. Muahahahahahahaha. I have subjects, loyal loving subjects. Hahahahaha. btw, for anyone who wants to know. I test for my licence Sat, 6th, at 7 am my time. just thought you might like to know. might fail, but i'm testing then.


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## Goldberry344 (Apr 5, 2002)

no, i am no one's subject. i dont even LIVE in Gondor, i live (when im there) with my grandparents, Tom and other Goldberry. so hahahahahahaha


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## Beorn (Apr 6, 2002)

*Mike comes in and boots Arathin off the throne!*


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## Tao (Apr 6, 2002)

Funny....Funny


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## My_Precious (Apr 6, 2002)

> _Originally posted by Arathin _
> *What are??? I'm very confused. *


Mad Magazine...


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## Goldberry344 (Apr 6, 2002)

YAY!!! arathin is gone! no more king! lets party!


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## Arathin (Apr 6, 2002)

Beorn, I was not talking about the forum Gondor. My nickname at school is Aragorn. I was refering to my school Gondor which I rule. Goldberry goes to school with me. Isn't that right, ring?


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## Beorn (Apr 7, 2002)

Yeah, sure that's what they all say!!!


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## tom_bombadil (Apr 7, 2002)

Ah yes but you rule gondor and quite alot of land but i am master of the old forest and the barrow downus and i was there at the beginning i dont think u were i think u werent even born


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## Rohansangel (Apr 7, 2002)

Tom Bombadil sings too much! LoL! He is jolly


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## Goldberry344 (Apr 7, 2002)

ya, Beorn, i go to school with Arathin, Eogthea and I.am.smeagol.
bummer.

oh, and everyone, my grandfather has joined the forum. well, not my real grandfather, but my RPG character (Goldberry, go figure!) is not the real goldberry, she's the granddaughter of Goldberry....


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## Arathin (Apr 7, 2002)

Yeah!!! I got my licence! I can drive without a parental unit in the passenger seat!!!! *v. happy*


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## My_Precious (Apr 7, 2002)

Aragorn & Legolas
P.S. Congrats, Arathin!! Don't kill many people!


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## Istar (Apr 7, 2002)

True... Aragorn did look sleezier than I imagined him. If only that could work for me.

Istar


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## Goldberry344 (Apr 7, 2002)

ive seen that one before too, hehe!! oh well. im thinking of doing the diary of Bill. or the POinty hat. Maybe the Carrot. any advise??


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## Arathin (Apr 7, 2002)

The carrot. b/c i just ran it over while in my mom's car. hehe. stupid carrot was in the middle of the road. what was I supposed to do, stop??? yeah like i would. 

Hey My Precious, v. funny and v. educational. hehe


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## Goldberry344 (Apr 8, 2002)

i dono. the diary of the carrot or the hat might be slightly x rated and gross.


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## Rohansangel (Apr 8, 2002)

NO DIARIES OF CARROTS OR POINTY HATS!!!! V. SCARY!!!!!

~The Angel of Rohan

PS: Actually that would be pretty funny ... But no.


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## Goldberry344 (Apr 8, 2002)

thats what i was thinking. ill do bill's diary when i get the time.


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## Arathin (Apr 8, 2002)

Frodo:Well it can't stay in the Shire, Gandalf. What should we do? Here you take it!
Gandalf:No! Don't tempt me! I would use it for good, but through me it would weild an undescribable evil.
Frodolease take it.
Gandalf:Ok.


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## Goldberry344 (Apr 8, 2002)

lol. 

Legolas to Gimili- can i borrow your hairbrush??


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## Arathin (Apr 8, 2002)

lmao


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## shadowfax_g (Apr 8, 2002)

Lord of Nazgûl:"No living humankind may hinder me!"
Éowyn:"....."


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## Rohansangel (Apr 9, 2002)

Thank god for school computers. *evil smile* These are great!! 
But Goldberry, I thought you knew... Gimli wouldn't use a haribrush, how do you think he got those dreads?

~The Angel of Rohan


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## Istar (Apr 9, 2002)

Gimli or Legolas - "I need a shave."


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## Gary Gamgee (Apr 9, 2002)

Saruman to Gandalf- 'you'd really suit white'


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## Turgon (Apr 9, 2002)

Treebeard to Quickbeam: Come on, spit it out! I've not got all day you know!

Sauron to Saruman (via palantir): Oh and give my regards to Gandalf...

Ugluk to Grishnakh (in the style of Terry Thomas): Well, Hello!


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## Mrs. Baggins (Apr 9, 2002)

Gollumn: I'm coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs!!


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## Shadowfax (Apr 9, 2002)

Gollum: It's not easy being green... (kermit the Frog song)


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## Goldberry344 (Apr 9, 2002)

Rohan's angel, i thought you knew.... Gimli doesnt have dreads, he has sexy, chunky braids.


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## Arathin (Apr 9, 2002)

OH MY GOD, FRESHMAN! I'M TELLING MOLLY THAT YOU LIKE HER MAN!

Samardon me, Mr. Strider sir, but I'm only going on this stupid quest for Gimli. He is soo hott with those sexy braids.
Strider:But I thought you would follow FRODO anywhere...
Sam:No! I love Gimli.
Strider:You do know that he is with the (yuck) Elf, Legolas, right?
Sam:No he's not, Mr. Strider. He is with me. The whole Elf thing is just a front.


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## Shadowfax (Apr 11, 2002)

Gollum/Smegol: My slinker side likes the whole wheat goodness, but my Stinker side likes the frosting!


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## Shadowfax (Apr 11, 2002)

> _Originally posted by pippin le qer _
> *
> 
> was this a short notice for:
> feed the cat to ALF, he has been hungry since he arrived on earth? *



This is VERY old, but I couldn't help but notice it. Maybe "Feed the Cat" on Saurons desktop reffered to Shelob? The book calls her "his cat"
~~~~~~~~~~
muttering to himself, gandalf figures out the cheese grater.

Pippin: To be, or not to be...


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## Tao (Apr 11, 2002)

*Gollum at Mt. Doom*: Wait...is the ring really worth this much to me?


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## Arathin (Apr 11, 2002)

*While Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli are hunting orcs to save Merry and Pip*
Aragorn:Champaigne?
Legolas:We're in the middle of a chase, Aragorn.
Aragorn:You're right. Something red.
**********(a few moments later)***********
Aragorn:For a chase, Galadriel recommends this excelent 1492 Cabernia.
Gimli:Oh sounds nice.
Aragorn:You can't have any. You're too young.


Sorry had to. Some of you will reconize this from a Three Musketeers movie. The one with Chris O'Donnell and Oliver Platt.


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## Turgon (Apr 11, 2002)

'Carrot yesterday, carrots today, and blimey if it don't look like carrots agin tomorrer... Never a blinking bit if broccoli have we had for long enough..' Bill, Tom and Bert.
(okay it's from The Hobbit but... whatever)


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## Arathin (Apr 11, 2002)

Hobbit stuff is good too. It does say ALL TOLKIEN CHARACTERS. This would include all of his books.


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## Shadowfax (Apr 12, 2002)

Shadowfax: Wiiiilllllllbuuuuuurrrrr!


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## Goldberry344 (Apr 12, 2002)

At councel of Elrond...
Frodo: Frig this. I'm going back to bag end and im gonna marry sam.
Sam(blushing): gee, mr frodo, me?? im honored...but do you go for girls too?? cause rosie is really fine!
Pip/merry: no waay, thats not fair. just cause Gandalf told Frodo to keep sam around doesnt mean Frodo can ditch us this far into the relationship!
Frodo: what relationship, we're cousins!
pip/merry: errr...
Gandalf: thats ok... if Elrond and i can move in too....
Gimli: i hear hobbit holes are as good as mines... do you have a few extra rooms
Legolas: dont worry, my dear dwarf, we only really need one.


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## Turgon (Apr 13, 2002)

Gaffer Gamgee to the Black Rider in Hobbiton.
"Mr Baggins? Sure I've seen him. He's just over there..."


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## Shadowfax (Apr 13, 2002)

I found this on another website:
Gandalf looks at the orcs and said, "these are not the hobbits you are looking for, you can let us pass" with a slight wave of his hand.


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## I.am.Smeagol (Apr 13, 2002)

Bill the pony: [email protected] those Hobbits.


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## Arathin (Apr 14, 2002)

Gandalf:Silly Billy. Tralalalala. I just love singing and reading poetry.

(Added to my last one)
Aragorn:I just hope that Porthos doesn't sue.


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## Goldberry344 (Apr 14, 2002)

Aragorn, in the middle of chasing Merry and Pip: ok, stop now, im on my vacaton


CAUSE I AM ON VACATION WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE


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## Shadowfax (Apr 14, 2002)

Frodo after Bilbo gives him the Mithril: Gee thanks, it's not like this wouldn't have come in handy BEFORE!


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## Goldberry344 (Apr 14, 2002)

Sam on weathertop~ Oh, sure, Strider, why dont you take your sweet time about getting here?


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## Arathin (Apr 14, 2002)

Yes we are Goldberry.

Sam:Wow, I think that Gimli is kinda cute. Those chunky braids!


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## Turgon (Apr 14, 2002)

Galadriel to Gimli (sings): Wild Thing, I.. think I love ya - but I wanna know for sure...


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## Arathin (Apr 14, 2002)

Legolas:Everyone likes Gimli. How come no one likes me? It is because of this blasted spot, isn't it?


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## Turgon (Apr 14, 2002)

Gimli to Legolas (sings): You're the one for me, Spotty, you're the one I really, really love...


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## Goldberry344 (Apr 14, 2002)

*mutters* now arathin is making fun of chunky braids....just wait till i.am.smeagol finds out...


----------



## I.am.Smeagol (Apr 14, 2002)

*Mutters* Okay, you are making fun of braids are ya? Whats next? Making fun of my clip? Eh? Bah! Ive had enough with you all! Off to Arda!


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## Shadowfax (Apr 14, 2002)

Saruman: One of the halflings carries something of great value . Bring them to me, unspoiled- check the expiration date on the bottom of their feet.

S. again: *looks at the bottom of palantir* "Property of Motown Bowling Alley?"

Arwen&Aragorn:
"Do you remember when we first met?"
-"I was drunk, much like I am now."

Arwen to Frodo: "Hear my voice, come back to the light."
-"No thanks, I have a migrain and Pippin ate all of my aspirin."


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## Arathin (Apr 14, 2002)

I'm not making fun of him. And besides, smeagol, you love Legolas, or should I say Orlando Bloom.


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## Goldberry344 (Apr 15, 2002)

oh, nasssty elfsss.....lol


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## I.am.Smeagol (Apr 15, 2002)

Nah. I am pretty much over Orli. 
I think.
But I still love his Legolas self. Yes, I know. I am one of those hopless fan girls. *Giggles*

In Moria

Gandalf: The fan girls have been let loose! This foe is above any of you! Run!

(later)

Fly you fools! The fan girls have attacked!


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## Shadowfax (Apr 15, 2002)

Boromir(when the orcs are attacking): I haul that [email protected]@[email protected]!#$ big *ss sheild all over middle earth, and when I finally get a chance to use it, it's back at camp!


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## Arathin (Apr 15, 2002)

YOU! over Orli? Never! Not in this lifetime! And if you are over him, then let Goldberry put spots on your pictures. Haha! You won't b/c you still like him!
********

Aragorn walks in the opposite direction then the way the one which the orcs took the hobbits. 
Legolas:Where are you going, Aragorn? They were taken this way.
Aragorn:I'm not going that way.
Gimli:Why not? You said we were going to hunt some orcs.
Aragorn:Yeah, we are, but not those orcs. The hobbits are free no matter what we do. Lets just save Gandalf some trouble and go straight to Rohan now. Talk to the king there, and go to war.
Legolas and Gimli:Ok!


----------



## I.am.Smeagol (Apr 15, 2002)

*Gasp!* You cannot contaminate my Legolas shrine! I said Orli, not Leggy. ^_^


Legolas: Help! I'm being kept captive in a locker! Help!


----------



## Arathin (Apr 15, 2002)

For those of you who do not walk by Smeagol's locker everyday of school, that is what you really do hear coming from it.


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## Tarien (Apr 16, 2002)

Poor Legolas! Y'know, you have to feed him occasionally!


----------



## Goldberry344 (Apr 16, 2002)

i try to *feed* him, but for some odd reason i.am.smeagol thinks im gonna draw blasted elven spots on him....i wonder why.....


----------



## I.am.Smeagol (Apr 16, 2002)

Oh, he eats my lunches. I think. I stick em in my locker and they are gone by the time lunch comes around. Hmm. He could prolly use some sunlight, it must be awfully hard to brush his long blonde hair in there. ;P


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## Goldberry344 (Apr 16, 2002)

I'll take him for a walk (upstairs to my locker) any day!


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## Arathin (Apr 16, 2002)

Oh god! They're going to start fighting over him again.


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## Goldberry344 (Apr 16, 2002)

i know her locker # (evil cackling laugh heard)


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## Shadowfax (Apr 16, 2002)

*rolls her eyes at those three*


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## Goldberry344 (Apr 17, 2002)

we are *not* like this in real life....


----------



## Shadowfax (Apr 17, 2002)

It's just really amusing to listen in on you guys!


----------



## Goldberry344 (Apr 17, 2002)

hmmm, not sure thats a compliment....


----------



## Gamil Zirak (Apr 17, 2002)

Gimli - "I'm starting to like those Orcs."
Sauron - "Why can't we all just get along?"Elrond - "Let's just give him the ring. I'm going to the West anyway."


----------



## Rohansangel (Apr 17, 2002)

For any newbies to this thread, to 'get' half the jokes, go here -- 
http://diaries.diagon.org
Frodo Baggins -- 
Day 35: Everyone keeps hitting on me. Cannot cope. Off to Mordor. Sam coming too. Hopefully will enjoy more of those platonic, brotherly foot massages he's so good at.
WHOOOOOOOO


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## I.am.Smeagol (Apr 17, 2002)

Riiiiigggggghhhhhhtttttt Goldberry. Just keep denying it. I Know, _I_ am like this in real life. Pretty much.


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## Goldberry344 (Apr 17, 2002)

ok, i took a quiz that i.am.smeagol sent me...it said im most like Samwise. 

here is a plesant excerpt from Samwise's diary~

Day 24: Boromir killed by orcs. Knew orcs good for something. Frodo off to Mordor. Taking mea along, Hurrah! ! Mr Frodo is depressed and claims is now sure he will die a Virgin in the barren wastelands of the Dark Lord's realm. We will see about that
i am away

I AM SAMWISE GAMGEEEEE!!!!


----------



## Shadowfax (Apr 17, 2002)

I took that quiz. I came out like Pippin!


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## Arathin (Apr 17, 2002)

Yeah. Hate to be the one to tell you, my dear little ring, but we are like this in real life and in public.


----------



## Shadowfax (Apr 17, 2002)

how did you come out like sam? I have done a variety of combinations of answers, but it never came out to sam!


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## Arathin (Apr 17, 2002)

I took it and came out as Arwen. Yeah I get to marry Aragorn. Hurrah!


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## elenya (Apr 17, 2002)

Frodo: We really need a bath.
Sam: I know! I haven't bathed in a year!
Frodo: Sam, we've only been gone 6 months...
Sam *giggles* hehe. I know.


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## Shadowfax (Apr 17, 2002)

-then Sam whipped out his bottle of strawberry bubblebath and a carrot...


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## elenya (Apr 17, 2002)

The Sam hasn't bathed joke? I didn't make it up.  Buuut...This is the story it came from. It's the best ever! Legolas talks to turtles, Aragorn's greasy, Gandalf talks like he's from the ghetto...is there anything better? No. No there isn't.
READ it now!!!


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## Tarien (Apr 17, 2002)

I have people in my school like that!! Every character in that is represented in the wonderful world of AMS: a square building full of boredom and despair!


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## Arathin (Apr 18, 2002)

Very funny elenya

Aragorn: (thinks to self) you know...
what?
well i really kinda like that little hairy newt, i mean dwarf, gimli.
oh god help us!


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## Goldberry344 (Apr 18, 2002)

hmmm, did anyone else besides i.am.smeagol and me get around to reading the "Dude where's my ring" story. its pretty funny....

im reading the one elenya posted now....


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## Shadowfax (Apr 18, 2002)

Yes, Iv'e read it!
R.O.H.A.N.!!!!!!!


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## Arathin (Apr 18, 2002)

Oh God, NO!!!!!! 
*start twiching violently and covers her ears*
Make it stop! Make it stop!


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## Tarien (Apr 20, 2002)

I've read it too! The wraiths are hilarious!


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## Ice Man (Apr 21, 2002)

1 - I will only return Arkenstone to you if you kiss my hairy @ss right here right now. - Bilbo to Torin before handing in Arkenstone to Bard.


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## Ice Man (Apr 21, 2002)

2 - Do you bring many bimbos here Beorn? - Bilbo to Beorn in Beorn's house.


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## Goldberry344 (Apr 21, 2002)

yes, i loved dude wheres my ring. another thing we owe to i.am.smeagol.

*gets up and hugs i.am.smeagol.* you rock!


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## Arathin (Apr 21, 2002)

Yeah Go I.Am.Smeagol


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## I.am.Smeagol (Apr 21, 2002)

*Blushes and must write her own comeadic LotR fan fic instead of simply finding others*

Heheh. Twas nothing my good friends. Simply the benifits of being a geek and spending way to much time online. ^_^


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## Goldberry344 (Apr 22, 2002)

you still rock. dude, you found the DIARIES. where would we be without them??


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## Arathin (Apr 22, 2002)

Oh and Smeagol....glompaliciousness...oh my, indeed. So a great word. oh my, oh the glompaliciousness of viggo mortensen and orlando bloom. oh my, indeed.

Legolas: Wow, those fangirls are just sooo.... glompalicious. Oh my!
Aragorn: Good point. Oh the glompaliciousness. Oh my.


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## I.am.Smeagol (Apr 22, 2002)

Legolas"Release the fangirls!"
*Glomps can be heard, Legolas falls over under a stamped of fangirls*
Legolas(muffled)"Ermmp, Nevermind.. Help??? Please??"


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## Arathin (Apr 22, 2002)

oh my *twich twich twich* oh my


----------



## Bombadil's Bane (Apr 23, 2002)

(Sam to Gollum)

Wanna go out sometime?

(Gollum to Sam)

Ohhh yes precioussss. Tie me up with Elven rope, yessss preciousssss!


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## Goldberry344 (Apr 23, 2002)

*Goldberry charges in with a POINTY STICK and proceeds to poke everyone.* "POKE POKE POKE POKE POKE!" poke the tummy...


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## Bombadil's Bane (Apr 23, 2002)

Do not poketh thy tummies. Thou dost not knoweth how mucheth it hurteth. (Galadriel to Goldberry)


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## Goldberry344 (Apr 23, 2002)

"hey, why is my stick all of a sudden a sword??" poke poke poke...


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## Arathin (Apr 24, 2002)

Takes away Goldberry's large pointy stick/sword.
"Poke anyone else with your large pointy stick/sword and I will take Elijah out of my fanfic...or of course I could just make him hate you for glomping him. Muahahahaahaahahahahahahaha

Sam:Oh yeah. What? Oh never mind. Yeah sure. Here ya go Mr. Gandalf, but first you have to give me a really sexy picture of Mr. Frodo.
Gandalf:Oh not again, Sam! What happened to your last one?
Sam:Well,um,you know...Well never you mind. Want the weed; give me the picture. 
Gandalf:Awwww, damn it Sam! ~fumes a bit~ Here take it before I change my mind.
~hands over a picture of Frodo and grabs a very large bag of weed. Then disappears with a flash of light. 

This is only a small taste of what is to come on fanfic. hehehehehe...I feel bad for Viggo, Elijah, and Orlando. They somehow got into my fanfic at complete random......Ok I don't feel bad for Viggo, but I do feel bad for Elijah and Orlando. oh my!


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## Goldberry344 (Apr 25, 2002)

*rushes to sit in a corner and do nothing* "take anything...not...elijah..."


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## Mrs. Baggins (Apr 26, 2002)

Frodo: Wow, this ring is getting so much lighter now that I'm in Mordor! It's amazing! I don't even feel it! Wait a minute.... I lost it.
Sam: Oh, don't worry. Gollum probably stole it. I'm glad he is happy now. At least he can lead the kind of life he wanted to. I hope he lives happily ever after until the end of his days... which I hope are very loong off.


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## Goldberry344 (Apr 26, 2002)

lol. yes, sam goes fishing for gollum...


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## Shadowfax (Apr 26, 2002)

Merry: We are indistinguishable. Call us Mippin.
Frodo: Do you *have* to come along?
Mippin: Yes. We are wanted for felony in several farthings.


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## Arathin (Apr 26, 2002)

Gandalf:*starts randomly singing an old Irish drinking song in Moria*  Oh there's wisky in the jar!


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## Goldberry344 (Apr 28, 2002)

oh, Arathin has 1000, and goldberry..goldbery has 900. im catching up. mwuahahahahahahahaaaaa


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## Anamatar IV (Apr 28, 2002)

Gandalf: He needs only this one ring to enslave all the free world.

Frodo: So...how much could i get for it?


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## Goldberry344 (Apr 28, 2002)

that was EXELLENTE.

oh, and too bad Arathin missed LOTR again....hehehe


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## Arathin (Apr 29, 2002)

Shut up Goldberry. I can drive myself to see it whenever I want.


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## Goldberry344 (Apr 29, 2002)

doesnt matter. you still missed lotr.


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## I.am.Smeagol (Apr 29, 2002)

Yeah Arathin. Last playing in MA, unless you want to drive to Framininhamn (SP?), if its even playing there....


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## Goldberry344 (Apr 30, 2002)

stop talking about it. you're getting me depressed. *twich twich*


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## Arathin (Apr 30, 2002)

FoTR=months upon months...
FoTR=months upon months...
FoTR=months upon months...
FoTR=months upon months...
FoTR=months upon months...
FoTR=months upon months...
FoTR=months upon months...
FoTR=months upon months...
FoTR=months upon months...
FoTR=months upon months...
FoTR=months upon months...
FoTR=months upon months...
FoTR=months upon months...
FoTR=months upon months...
FoTR=months upon months...
I know I'm evil, aren't I?


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## Shadowfax (Apr 30, 2002)

Rosie giving birth to Elanor: "You did this to me Samwise Gamgee, you son of a *BEEP*


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## Goldberry344 (May 1, 2002)

*giggle* that one is harsh, shadowfax! but funny...


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## Arathin (May 2, 2002)

Indeed, harsh but hilarious!


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## Shadowfax (May 3, 2002)

Thankyou, but I can't take credit, one of my friends thought it up.


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## Goldberry344 (May 3, 2002)

ohwell, its still funny. tell your friends that i liked it, for me.


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## Arathin (May 3, 2002)

Indeed, and that I liked it too.


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## tom_bombadil (May 4, 2002)

Bombadill "ive had enough of you goldberry we are so getting a divorce"


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## Goldberry344 (May 4, 2002)

owch. thats harsh.


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## tom_bombadil (May 5, 2002)

he he it was supposed tobe


----------



## Mrs. Baggins (May 5, 2002)

I can't believe you people can think of so many things to say! I enjoy reading all this but I can't expand upon the humor! I feel so.............hmmmmmmmmmmm......what's the word?............not funny?


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## Goldberry344 (May 5, 2002)

*bursts into tears*

i know how you feel, Mrs. Baggins....i think up humor..but not often. i am funny by being me, and i dont think thats a good thing.


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## Shadowfax (May 5, 2002)

It's totally a good thing, Goldberry. 
*at the PRancing Pony, our favorite hobbits are ordering their dinner drinks*

Frodo: Half pint ale.

Pippin: Half pint mead.

Merry: Half pint beer.

Sam: Martini, on the rocks, shaken, not stirred.

*all stare at him*
Sam: The names Gamgee. Samwise Gamgee. You can call me Sam.

P.S. I might have gotten JB's preferd drink wrong, if it is, please correct me.


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## Arathin (May 5, 2002)

i know that it isn't a margarita, but i don't remember what it is. ps. i love the sig about saruman


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## Shadowfax (May 5, 2002)

Danke Schon! (thank you) I remember the first thing I thought when I saw the Palantir was "magic 8 ball!"


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## tom_bombadil (May 6, 2002)

martini


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## tom_bombadil (May 6, 2002)

Sam to bill the pony: Bill you worthless useless pony i don't know why we evr brought you **** of back to your real master!


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## Arathin (May 6, 2002)

German, Shadowfax? One of my NINE different nationalies is German. I have most of Europe in my blood! It is soo weird when people are talking about their nationalities and only have two or three. So what my ancesters traveled a lot! Big deal! *mutters about the stupid people that pick on her about her ancesters' 'activities' that might have led to her large number of blood-line nationalities* It's not my fault. Everyone knows that the British fooled around all over the place!


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## Shadowfax (May 6, 2002)

Sorry. My mother's family is German. (I know it's SOME eastern european anyway, 'cause my toes are hairy) anyhoo, I just enjoy speaking it, and sometimes I accidntally slip and will answer people auf Deustch(sp?) obviously my spelling and grammar needs some work. Do you speak it? 
hey something I was wondering (just yell at me if you think this is a bad idea, and I will crawl back into the Shadow from whence I came)but maybe we could run a caption contest? Have a special thread, and have one a week, and appoint someone to judge? (I don't know how to set up a voting thingy)


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## Istar (May 6, 2002)

That's a good idea! I could MyST the LOTR movies easily!


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## Arathin (May 6, 2002)

No I only speak english, bad english, a little latin, and a little french. and yes bad english is a real language! thank you very much.


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## Goldberry344 (May 6, 2002)

i speak english and french...kill french...6 years of french..GAG


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## Shadowfax (May 7, 2002)

Deustch macht viel spaz! (German is very fun) I love it. Hey, Arathin, I was wondering what your nom de plum is on Fanfiction.net so I can go their and read your stuff. I bet it will be hilarious!


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## Shadowfax (May 7, 2002)

*Shakespeare meets the Fellowship*

Aragorn: To be king, or not to be king, what a stupid question!

Legolas: To use Pantene Pro-V, or Salon Selectives...

Gandalf: To kill or not to kill that FOOL OF A TOOK!

Boromir: To whine or not to whine...

Gimli: Grrr...arrrgh...me son of Gloin...grunt

Frodo: To be or not to be a pathetic wuss. (in the movie anyway)

Sam: Take Mr. Frodo's Rock Collection, or his Library...I'll just take both!
or
Behold! What light over yonder window breaks! It is the east, and Mr. Frodo is the sun!

Pippin: To be, or not to be annoying to Gandalf.

Bill: I stalwartly refuse to asquiesce to partake of such an abomnible parody of Shakespearian masterpieces.

Merry: To eat, or not to eat, that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler of a hobbit to suffer the biting pains of outrageous hunger, or to raid Aragorn's pack and by theiving end them? To eat: To sleep; and by a sleep to say we end the stomach-ache and the thousand natural yearnings for mead the flesh is heir to, it's heady effect devoutly to be pursu'd. To sleep; perchance to dream: aye there's the rub; for in that sleep what dreams may come, When we have finished off the lembas, must give us pause. We think on plumcakes, mushrooms and ale with respect, and of the calamity of collapsed souffles. For who could bear the drips, and the burns of the tongue, the jalapeno's bite, the lemon's tart, the pangs of indigestion, the burp's delay, that insolence of that last pea on the plate, that one must with patience the unworthy bean spear? And with a bare travel fork? Who could this bear...


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## I.am.Smeagol (May 7, 2002)

Heh, Im part German. Go me. Muh mummie's mum was from Yugoslavia, and her dad was from Germany. On the other side, my dads French Canadian, and a bunch o other stuff. Hehehe. Go me. I wish I spoke German, but I dont. =(


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## Istar (May 7, 2002)

LOL, Shadowfax! Bill's was the best line of this whole thread!


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## Nimawae's hope (May 7, 2002)

Oh my GOSH!!! That was HILARIOUS Shadowfax!!!! I just about fell out of my chair.....and that isn't a good idea.....too many other people around in the computer lab!!!

I got a lot of German myself.....However, I also have Irish, English, Scottish, Dutch, French, and Native American. Of course their could be other things in there too, but I haven't found them yet!!


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## Goldberry344 (May 7, 2002)

ohwow...Arathins username on fanfic is arathin...cause shes not gonna be here until later tonight.


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## Shadowfax (May 7, 2002)

I have a ton of nationalities too... my dad's family came to Jamestown, umm... I'm related to "Old King Cole", ummm Julius Ceasar and Pocahantas. (I know this cause my dad wrote this big book about our family history and forced me to read it. It has to be the most boring thing ever committed to print) Does anyone else have hair on their toes and have E. Euro descent? 'Cause one of my friends said that that's why I have hair there. (Or maybe I've got some hobbit in me! )


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## Arathin (May 7, 2002)

lol sounds fun. yeah my fanfic name is Arathin


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## Shadowfax (May 8, 2002)

(Gandalf is reading a Quenyan-Westron dictionary):"Hmmmm...now let's see, 'Mirthrandir: an ancient Elvish term for a horse's rear...' WHAT THE [email protected]#$$!"


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## Legolam (May 8, 2002)

OK, how are you guys working out your nationalities? I would go withthe one on your passport, but surely you can't go further back than grandparents!! That's how sports do it anyway, and my country's rugby team has ended up with many NZers in it! 

BTW - I'm a pure bred Scot any way you look at it. I even have a clan and a tartan that corresponds with my second name!

And, to keep this on track, Shadowfax's parody was the funniest thing I've heard in a very long time! Brings back memories of English lessons!


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## I.am.Smeagol (May 8, 2002)

*Giggles* Shadowfax, you have the funniest ideas! I love the Westron to Quenya thing. So funny. And yes, Im from Mediteranian/ Euro descent and have hair on my toes, but I shave it off. Hehehe.


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## Nimawae's hope (May 8, 2002)

Hair on the toes? Yes......sadly I have it.....I don't know where it comes from though......maybe I have some Eastern Euro that I didn't know about!

Hey Legolam!! Quit rubbing it in.....I WISH I had that much Scottish blood, but I do not! I do have a family tartan though!!!  YAY FOR ME!!!!


I keep putting off any mention of the subject because I have no hope of writing anything funnier than what Shadowfax did!!


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## Goldberry344 (May 8, 2002)

oh, shadowfax, that was awesome, but didnt you get that idea from a Gary Larson, The Far Side cartoon, its The Lone ranger looking through an indain dictionary.... no??


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## Shadowfax (May 8, 2002)

Yep, I love Gary Larson. It is so sad that he doesn't do cartoons anymore. most of my stuff I ruthlessly pirate from other people and pass it off as my own. You know, kind of like changing the liscence plates and repainting a stolen car before you drive it past the original owner. It's just common courtesy. BUT my sig and the Shakespeare stuff is completly my own. Oh, and Arathin, I loved your fanfic, I would have reviewed it, but I am not registered and you don't accept anonymous reviews! OK< heres a riddle I found on another site!

Q: Why do hobbits have round doors?

A: If you ate nine meals a day, you'd want a round door too!


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## Arathin (May 8, 2002)

Well then register, people! It doesn't take more than two minutes! Holy Mother of Earth!!!


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## Goldberry344 (May 8, 2002)

aha, i put up my second chapter tonight. so lazy. i should have all of em up by now. i should re-start writing my fic. hohum. i should do a lot of things.


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## Shadowfax (May 8, 2002)

I had to wait until I got my own email account. Before I was just sharing with my mom. OK everyone, tell us what your fanfic names are!


*Give a stoor a fish and he eats for a day. Give a stoor a magic ring and he kills his best friend, runs away and eats fish forever.


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## I.am.Smeagol (May 8, 2002)

*Giggles* Im Viiriniel on there. Even though I dont have any stories and prolly never will.

Heh, I love that one Shadowfax, can I use it as my siggy? 

Me (aka Smeagol)- We dont wantss those nassstyyy fishesssss.


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## Shadowfax (May 8, 2002)

I would be flattered, Smeagol!


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## Shadowfax (May 9, 2002)

if you don't like gay stuff I think you are into the wrong book. I can count the female characters one one hand, OF COURSE there is going to be some salty humor! And as for swearing, that's what *beep*s, asterisks, and [email protected]#$#$#%s are for. 

Merry (cont): ...To grunt and chew over a dreary morsel of cram? But that dread of something worse than waybread, The undiscover'd food tofu, from which no society can return, puzzled by the health nuts, And makes us bear the rations we have, than to eat of those we know not of? Thus coincidence does not make gluttons of us all, and thus we stick to our meager provender with resolution, lest we become sickle'd and pale o'er the thought of lima beans, and the enterprises of wheat germ. With regards to those whose currant scones turn awry, and lose their fluffyness, no longer soft now! The fair wine bottle, Nymph spirits, you are all of my sins remember'd!

FIN
*bows*

(PS: I just tried to register, but the email fanfic sent me didn't have the link! I'm going to be Windfola on there however. Hmmm...notice a theme?)


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## Wonko The Sane (May 9, 2002)

> _Originally posted by Beorn _
> *Shagrat & Co.: Ahh, just let 'im...can't do much harm
> 
> Black Rider: Do you like scary movies? *



I chuckled at quite a few of these...but this one made me laugh right out loud...hehe...
They DO look like the scream demons...


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## Wonko The Sane (May 9, 2002)

> _Originally posted by ssgrif _
> *Frodo: "You're late"
> 
> Gandalf: "A wizard is never late, erm, actually yes I am a bit late, sorry. Do you have any idea how old and senile I am? You expect too much of me young Frodo Bobbins"
> ...



AAAAH!!! THIS IS HILARIOUS!!!


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## I.am.Smeagol (May 9, 2002)

*Pippin/Frodo, please read!*

Okay, firstly, if you dont enjoy the diaries or dont find some of the jokes here humorous, dont read them!!! Apparently, a majority of the people on this thread do, as it's rather active, and there have been no complaints thus far.

Secondly, you said...



> besides as I said thats really discusting!



To a gay or bi person, a straight relationship might sound disgusting. Perhaps you shouldn’t be so quick to judge others. Dont get me wrong, I'm as straight as one can be, prolly, but I dont go around and say that other preferences are wrong, or bad. According to your profile, you are one month older than my younger brother. I know he would not understand much of the gay themed humor featured on this thread, and he would think it was disgusting. Perhaps you should stay on other threads where the humor is 'clean' enough for you to handle.


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## Wonko The Sane (May 9, 2002)

Aragorn to Eowyn, (Movie only)

Oh Eowyn, of course you can come down the Paths of the Dead with us...
I love you and would never part with you.
Please, take this lovely necklace as a token of my undying devotion.
*Hands her Arwen's pendant*


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## Goldberry344 (May 9, 2002)

oh, slap in the face.

and with JRRTs books, theres a lot of "manly bonding" so there will be gay/bi jokes made. also, there's a strange lack of, er, phisical affection. i mean, i can only remember one time when a man hugged a man. Frodo didnt even hug bilbo in rivendell. hrumph.


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## Wonko The Sane (May 9, 2002)

I for one loved the Diaries...

Sent the link to all my friends.

Even posted it on my livejournal.

It was that funny.


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## Goldberry344 (May 9, 2002)

theres a link to it on my page too, and 3 of my own...


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## Wonko The Sane (May 9, 2002)

Oooh, I smell funniness coming.

What's your page.


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## Pippin/Frodo (May 9, 2002)

Sorry guys. I ment no offence to what I said. It's one of my worst habbits. minding other peoples buisness and taking charge. The thing is I don't mean to. I won't post here anymore. Please except my oppaligy?


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## I.am.Smeagol (May 9, 2002)

I, too, am sorry. I shouldn’t have used age as a factor. I was just peeved because today was the day of silence to support gay and lesbian rights, and one of my friends was participating to help spread awareness. All cool? Don’t worry bout not posting on this thread, go right ahead..


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## Goldberry344 (May 9, 2002)

yes, smeagol cant kick any one out. my site is on my profile... (its way to much work to find the domain name now...  )


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## Shadowfax (May 9, 2002)

Yeah, we had one of those at our school recently. And I get where you are coming from, P/F. (I know I am going to get flamed for this no offence, hear me out, people) I belive that same gender *relationships* are wrong, BUT gays/lesbians/bis/whatevers are fully entitled to all human rights. I mean one of my best friends is gay. He is the coolest! It is nobodys business what his preferences are. Ithink drugs are wrong, but i can see the humor in it. I also have some very good friends who dodrugs and drink, but they know I do not approve, and are respectful enough to never be stoned/drunk around me. OK, that's my rant, flame me if you want, but that's my belief and I'm stickin' to it. Oh, yeah post if ya got something funny to say! Wow, THAT was really off the subject!

Q: What's Sauron's favorite food?

A: Eye-scream!

PS: how about some of you stooges checking out Buddy Baggin's Diary of the Fellowship thread? it's really good, and i am getting tired of being the only one to post!


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## Goldberry344 (May 9, 2002)

i didnt look at Buddy's diary thread. it was too confusing...


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## Nimawae's hope (May 10, 2002)

Hmmmmm......I don't know 'bout you, but I'm ALWAYS confused......I don't think that Buddy Baggins Diary will make it too much worse........but then I could be wrong..........




One thing Aragorn will never say: "I hate older women."


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## Shadowfax (May 10, 2002)

Well, I have been posting there, but nobody is responding, so I don't know if I'm funny or not.

"I hate older women"! LOL

oh, and I started a caption contest thread, please look at it, for me???

Sam: Now there's an eye opener, and no mistake.

Frodo: Shut up, Sam. You said that every time you used Elrond's indoor toilet.


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## Arathin (May 10, 2002)

I am not going to flame you, Shadowfax, you are entitled to your opinion. I don't really care about gay/whatever relationships. Mainly b/c my aunt is leisban and my uncle is gay. I on the other hand am totally straight now and forever. hehe. 

Gandalf randomly starts laughing at nothing. 
Frodo: What are you laughing at?
Gandalf: I *giggle* don't have *snicker* a clue.
Frodo: Stop laughing.
Gandalf: I *laughter* can't!
Gandalf rolls on the floor laughing.

(based on Goldberry and Smeagol. We are at Smeagol's house right now. and Goldberry and Smeagol just had this comversation behind me. Goldberry was the one laughing.)


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## Shadowfax (May 13, 2002)

When the Fellowship sees the Balrog across the bridge~
Sam: I can't take much more of these Depends(tm) moments, Mr. Frodo!


----------



## Wonko The Sane (May 13, 2002)

I just have one question...

Y'all are talking about gay/lesbian issues...and yet every time someone comes out to support gays and lesbians they feel compelled to point out that they themselves are straight...

That seems a bit backwards.


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## Goldberry344 (May 13, 2002)

you're right, wonko, i support gays and lesbians, i think there is nothing wrong with that. that said, who cares about my preference?? my preference isnt part of the convo.


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## Wonko The Sane (May 13, 2002)

Exactly!!

But I'm Wonko The Sane, btw...NOT wonko.
wonko would be my brother.
Sometimes known as wanko.

But only by Gorbag the Mean.


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## Goldberry344 (May 13, 2002)

heck, wonko the sane is too much to type...can i just do WTS??


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## Arathin (May 13, 2002)

You're not sane, wonko the sane. you're totally insane, just like everyone else here. *sings*if you are insane and you know it, clap your hands. *clap, clap* oh if you are insane and you know it and you really wanna show it, clap your hands. *clap, clap* *stops singing* well that was pointless! no one even sang with me! *stomps off*


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## Diabless (May 13, 2002)

*sings*, *clap, clap*, *stomp, stomp* hooray


----------



## Samwise_hero (May 14, 2002)

Black Rider: I'm sick of chasing these little pip squeaks. I'm ready for mead and bed.

I know it's lame but anyway.


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## Wonko The Sane (May 14, 2002)

Yeah, WTS is fine.
That's what my brother calls me in the forums.

Sometimes he just calls me Sane too.

And I AM insane...that's the point of the name Wonko The Sane...
Although I really am not insane. 
I'm the only sane one.
You're all the insane ones.

That's why I live outside the asylum. I built my house inside out to house the insane world in my asylum.


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## Goldberry344 (May 14, 2002)

i'm not in an asylum. they told me that if the voices went away i could stay at home, and the voices dont want you to know about them....oops. gosh darnit!


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## Arathin (May 14, 2002)

Hurrah! A fellow Tolkienite that has also read the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy!!! Wonko the Sane, you soo totally rock! I love those books!


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## Wonko The Sane (May 15, 2002)

THANK YOU!! And you rock too...for knowing my HHGTTG references. 
YAY!!!

Incidentally Goldberry...you're not in AN asylum. You're in THE asylum.


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## Goldberry344 (May 15, 2002)

THERE ARE NOT INSANE PEOPLE INSIDE OF ME!!! *mutters* shuddup, judy, they dont know about you guys *cough sputter*


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## Wonko The Sane (May 15, 2002)

I too am part German.
As is Wonko.

And Shadowfax...your Hamlet parody...excellent!


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## Shadowfax (May 15, 2002)

*blush*
I am thinking about doing Polonius' speech, or maybe Portia's from "The merchant of Venice". Should I?
btw: do a search for "Jimcalagon"s posts. in his sig is a link to his website, which has the absolute scariest balrog of all time. I have tried to at least have something related to the thread in each post, but this will have to do, as I did not go to bed last night, and am now running solely on tripleshot nitrocha doublex muy grande lattes right now. But here is a funny situation, Pippin on a caffeine buzz.


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## Wonko The Sane (May 16, 2002)

Hehe...These aren't the hobbits you're looking for...HILARIOUS!!

Incidentally I'd like to see Pippin high. It'd be sooo funny.


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## Shadowfax (May 16, 2002)

I wish that I could take credit for my sig, but I found it on another site.
more Shakespeare
Grishnakh: The quality of mercy is not strained, it falleth as a gentle rain from heaven upon the place beneath. It is twice blessed: it is blessed by him that gives and him that recieves...


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## Arathin (May 16, 2002)

*snickers* very good, shadowfax, very good. I like the sig too. Love those movies amoung other things.


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## Wonko The Sane (May 16, 2002)

GO SF!!
BRILLIANT!!!

Do Polonious and Portia! I'm sooo interested to see how it turns out!!


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## Goldberry344 (May 16, 2002)

oh my. 

Frodo- i wish the ring had never come to me.

Gandalf- so do all who live to see such times... hey, wait! i acctually kinda like this, i havent had this much fun since i went out with the balrog. seriously, have you ever SEEN one of the nazgul? when they were alive they were hunks, and sauron, man, was he ever a looker....


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## Shadowfax (May 16, 2002)

*blushx2*
it is wonderful to get feedback like this, most of the feedback for my jokes I get are blank stares. *sniff* you guys are so nice *breaks into tears*

Aragorn riding on Hasufel chasing the orcs: Rollin', Rollin', Rollin', man my *ss is swollen, rollin', rollin', rollin', RAWHIDE!

~yes I did get this from "City Slickers" which every one should see


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## Shadowfax (May 17, 2002)

OK, I have to know what you people think of this, I posted it on the 'Classifieds' thread, but noone said if they liked it, so I'll just post it here...

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS "MAN"?
*picture of Bilbo*
Please contact the Sylvan Primary Insect Defence Effort Repulsion Senter.
Name: Bilbo Baggins.
Aliases: Clue Finder, Web Cutter, Stinging Fly, Lucky Number, Ringwinner, Luckwearer, Barrelrider.
Description: Invisible.
Crimes: Wanted in connection with several murders in eastern Mirkwood.
Consorting with Elves, Wizards, and Dwarves.
Breaking and Entering.
Felony Robbery.
Grand theft ring.
If you see him, do NOT try to detain him. He has a sharp Sting. Contact the Sylvan Primary Insect Defence Effort Repulsion Senter at:
1-800-SPIDERS

*my, my, quite a rapsheet there, Bilbo


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## My_Precious (May 17, 2002)

Wah! Haven't been here for quite some time!


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## Wonko The Sane (May 17, 2002)

Shadowfax... That's funny.
Especially the Description: Invisible and the Crime: Consorting with Elves, Dwarves, and Wizards. 

LOVE IT!!
Keep it coming. 

 And YAY OREGON! YAY PACIFIC NORTHWEST!!!


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## Shadowfax (May 17, 2002)

OMG! WTS, do you live up here too? I am not that keen on Oregon, as I have mold allergies (it's so wet) and some hayfever (Linn County's slogan is, and I swear to God I am not making this up, "The Grass seed capital of the world." WOOOOoooo.... *trails off* wow, now THAT is something to be proud of.) I hope this gives you people an idea of the absolute NOTHINGNESS of Eugene/Springfeild life. the Willamette valley is famous for GRASS SEED! augh! Another example of the banality of my life (Iam trying to use my vocab words) is that on saturdays for kicks, my friends and I go downtown t owatch the protesters. *sigh* SAVE ME! 
OK, that was my little rant. I had to get it off my chest. Sorry everyone. 

~to I.am.Smeagol: I believe it was you who posted a link to Webshots on another thread that has "LotR in Sims" on it, and I was just wondering if you knew how they made them, b/c it looks like fun, and I want to try!

Bill: *steps on Sam's foot*

(that's all I can think of right now, as I used up my humor quota on a short fable for English. none of my friends thought it was funny. *sigh* It is supposed to be in the style of James Thurber. It has absolutley nothing to do with LotR, but it is fantasy.)


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## Wonko The Sane (May 20, 2002)

Wonko and I live in Washington!!!

WOO PACIFIC NORTHWEST!!!


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## Diabless (May 20, 2002)

This is a little different.Take off of movie

Sam- I did. It's just...we did what Gandalf wanted didn't we. We got the Ring this far and I thought...Seein as your on the mend. I thought we'd be off, off home.

Frodo- You're right Sam. I am ready to go home.

Glinda the Good Witch- Then just close your eyes, tap your heels in your ruby slippers and say, "There's not place like home."


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## Wonko The Sane (May 20, 2002)

What does Glinda have to do with...OOH!! I GET IT!!!


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## Shadowfax (May 20, 2002)

HAHAHAHA! And then the hobbits launched into a stirring rendition of "The Lollipop Guild" followed by, "Ding, Dong, the Witchking's Dead"!


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## Arathin (May 20, 2002)

All the Elves of Rivendell when the fellowship is chosen: Ding dong. The witch is died. Which old witch? The wicked witch. Ding dong. The wicked witch is died. Get out of bed, sleepy head. The wicked witch is diedddddddd---... 

*clears throat* hrmm... Not that I watch it all the time or anything....


What I don't!!!


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## Wonko The Sane (May 21, 2002)

You at least don't read it...it's dead...not died...

And I believe you're hiding something about your wanton "Wizard" viewing habits, are you not?


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## Shadowfax (May 21, 2002)

OK, while I was reading the "Wizard of Oz" stuff, I just got a weird scene in my head. The Hobbits going about their business in the Shire, when all of a sudden, WHAM! This huge house falls out of nowhere, squishing Sharkey... and you know the rest (I also thought about Gandy in a tutu, but that was too weird)


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## I.am.Smeagol (May 21, 2002)

Ermp. Sorry for not replying sooner, Shadowfax. Silly me. Silly homework. Silly finals. Anywho, I have no idea, she says she got somthing called 'skins' from a random webpage. I dont own the game (wish I did!) so I cant really help ya further than giving you the link to the actual skins page.. http://www.geocities.com/skinsforsims/lotrskins.html
Theyve been having bandwidth trouble, so Id try the link a few times if it doesnt work..


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## Arathin (May 21, 2002)

so I can't spell and never watch tv!!! So what! Like that is any of your business! It is all the little voices' fault, I tell you!!! It's not my fault!!! Nnnnnooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *gets dragged away to a mental institute, where she has immense fun driving the other inmates... dum dum dum....*SANE!!!!!!!*


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## Wonko The Sane (May 22, 2002)

Your sig is too long.

ReadWryt will disembowell you when he finds out.


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## Goldberry344 (May 22, 2002)

not true, Kor has had a huge sig for a while and no one told him to get rid of it.


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## Istar (May 22, 2002)

Hey Goldberry, your CUT is from Robin Hood: Men in Tights, right? Awesome movie!

And disembowel has one "l"


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## Arathin (May 22, 2002)

Who's sig is too long? Not mine! Mine is only two lines long and from the Princess Bride. No one would ever erase Princess Bride stuff. That would be right up there with Tolkien sacralige!


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## Goldberry344 (May 22, 2002)

ya its from men in tights. i love that movie. now i just have to think of a new sig cause people started stealing my ultra cool idea


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## I.am.Smeagol (May 22, 2002)

*Grins and holds up her sig (who Shadowfax so smartly made up) who no one has coppied*


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## Shadowfax (May 22, 2002)

Hey, Smeagol, you wouldn't happen to have seen that pic they have on this one website (can't recollect which one) of "Agent Elrond" (I have it on my school binder. My school binder is my Tolkien Humor shrine. If you listen very carefully, you can hear Merry and Pippin saying "Help us, Help us, the creepy lady has imprsoned us in the math section, OH THE HORRORS OF TRIG!" ) heehee


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## I.am.Smeagol (May 22, 2002)

*Grins and points to her AIM buddy icon* Yep. Its mine,, all mineee. Muahahahaha!

Heh, sounds like my math notebook and my locker, and Goldberry's planner.

*Legolas from inside Smeagol's locker* Help! I believe I have developed a tangle! The lack of sun has given me a pale complexion! Help! Can I get some food in here?!


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## Shadowfax (May 22, 2002)

*huggles hobbits* yep, M&P make fourth period just a little more bearable. 
**binder voices~"Help me, help meeeeeee....!"
incidentally, my math teacher was less than amused when I told him Pippin had eaten my homework. Hey that gives me an idea!

Merry: (to the schoolmaster) NO! I swear Pip DID eat it!


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## Gandalf_White (May 23, 2002)

In Moria, Gandalf says: *Don't leave without me!* 
Frodo: *Hey, Boromir, would you mind holding the Ring for a while?*
Sam: Mr. Frodo, go ahead and leave. I don't want to have anything more to do with your quest.
Saruman: Gandalf tell me where the Ring is. If you don't I'll lock you up. If you do tell me I'm still gonna lock you up.
Pippin: (as he smokes a pipe) Now remember kids smoking is bad for you.

I am gonna think up some more. This is really fun!


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## Arathin (May 24, 2002)

Shadowfax your odd, and I lovya. Gandalf_white those are very very funny. 

Gandalf: *starts singing to Eminem's song 'I am whatever you say I am'*


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## Shadowfax (May 24, 2002)

Heehee, odd people rule. Actually, I prefer mad. Sound more 'Brit'-esque doncha know. I am currently trying to find a bumpersticker I saw once, that says "You all laugh at me because I'm different but I laugh at you because you're all the same"

weeeeee...I'm excited! I'm going to see "Spirit" tonight! It's the first night its out here, so ecnerwal and I are going to a reallly late showing, so hopefully we will miss the hordes of little kids. Goldberry344 and all you other horse people out there, tell me what you think of it.

Frodo: *Walks into the CoE wearing Oaklys, a big medallion and chain, baggy pants~the Rapper works. M,P,&S all follow wearing tuxedos and shades, and earpieces.*


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## Arathin (May 24, 2002)

that is great! I am a horse person, but I don't know if I will see Spirit in theaters. I more like real horseys. 

Elrond at the council: *wearing agent clothing* Mr. Baggins. 

Elrond: *same as up top just change words to:* It's the smell, if there is such a thing. I feel saturated by it. Everytime I breath it in, I fear that I have in some way been contaminated by it. It's disgusting. I need those codes to Mordor and you have them and you are going to give them to me. Once Mordor is destroied there is no need for me to stay here.

sorry have to stop there that is all I know and I am not even sure about that stuff.


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## Shadowfax (May 24, 2002)

I am a little nervous about seeing it, 'cause something always dies in those movies, and, well, let's just say that the only movies I cried at b4 LotR was "The Neverending Story" and "The Man From Snowy River" if you catch my drift.

Ring Wraiths at the Ford: We are the Nazgul. Resistance is futile. Prepare to be assimilated. Your rings will be added to our own.


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## elanor_sunstar (May 25, 2002)

Gandalf: die, die, everybody die, muhhahaha.

or

Gandalf (again): ok, i know lets send a couple of hobbits on this ****** quest there worthless, they're no good in battle and they're small enough to use as toothbrushes and theres plenty of them to, so if the first ones fail, why we could always grab a couple of others!


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## Shadowfax (May 26, 2002)

Sign on the Prancing Pony: No Shirt, *No Shoes*, No Service.

Frodo: *beep*


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## Arathin (May 26, 2002)

I like those Gandalf ones, elanor_sunstar. Those are funny.


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## Wonko The Sane (May 28, 2002)

> _Originally posted by Shadowfax _
> **huggles hobbits* yep, M&P make fourth period just a little more bearable.
> **binder voices~"Help me, help meeeeeee....!"
> incidentally, my math teacher was less than amused when I told him Pippin had eaten my homework. Hey that gives me an idea!
> ...



YOU STOLE HUGGLES!


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## Arathin (May 28, 2002)

Merry to Pippin: I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind, that I put down in words how wonderful life is now you're in the world. (Elton John's "your song")

Wait... Merry would sing that to Pippin. Ok Sam to Frodo. Wait... Sam would sing that to Frodo. Oh to hell with it. Never mind. Just ignore this whole frelling post. Ugh!


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## Shadowfax (May 28, 2002)

TeeHee, I like your sig Arathin. btw, you wouldn't happen to have a Hot Topic store in your area?

Confidential to WTS: Go Ducks!

Sam to Bill: What is it boy? Do you want me to follow you? Did Mr. Frodo fall down the well again? Take me to him!


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## Theoden (May 28, 2002)

Gollum: It's ok, Hobbitsess, you keep the ring.


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## Shadowfax (May 29, 2002)

I think this night have been done before but I am too lazy to go through the thread and find out.

Treebeard: "C'mon, spit it out boy, I haven't got all day!"


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## Wonko The Sane (May 29, 2002)

> _Originally posted by Shadowfax _
> *
> Confidential to WTS: Go Ducks!
> *



Um...why?


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## Shadowfax (May 29, 2002)

Ummm... Huskys? Y'know, that whole um, intercolliegiate rivalry thing? Oh, never mind. 

Legolas: Don't move! I just dropped a contact!


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## Frodorocks (May 29, 2002)

Sauron: "Let's all go pick flowers and sing love songs" Gandalf: "(to sauruman) Let's take over the world" Tom bombadil: "(sing song voice)Come on you old silly wight,hurry up and eat 'em.By water, wood, and hill, to a pulp we'll beat 'em...." Sorry these are so bad, I'm not a good poet.


> "By Elbereth and Luthien the fair, you shall have neither the Ring nor me!" -Frodo


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## Theoden (May 29, 2002)

Hey, it's my turn to carry the ring! - Sam

Um, where are we going? - Aragorn

Let's start a new club called 'Save the Orcs'! - TreeBeard

Excuse me, that's my line. - Elrond

He is SO hot! - Arwen

Oh, this horse back ride is so much fun! - Gimli

I love sightseeing in Mordor! - Frodo

Adventure is my middle name! - Sam

I need to go get a breath of fresh air. - Sheolob


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## Theoden (May 29, 2002)

> _Originally posted by Shadowfax _
> *Legolas: Don't move! I just dropped a contact! *



I laughed so hard

Very funny


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## Arathin (May 29, 2002)

Yes I do have a Hot Topic near me. Several in fact. My sig was "Tact is for people without the wit to use sarcasm." I am so sarcastic that I had to put it up. hehe. I am sorry if I changed it too fast for some of you.


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## Shadowfax (May 30, 2002)

They have the best shirts and bumperstickers. I recently got 2 from there, "Not all who wander are lost" and "You laugh at me because I'm different, but I laugh at you because you're all the same"


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## Wonko The Sane (May 30, 2002)

Oh right...Huskies...Ducks. I get it.

Yeah, but erm..I don't go to UW.


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## Shadowfax (May 30, 2002)

I know, but I guess that in Washington you guys aren't as psychotic as Oregonians about college sports. Or because you don't live in a college town?

Oh, and I know that awhile ago I said that my ff.net nom de plume would be Windfola, but I just discovered that someone else has that same name, so I am going to try to change it to Kookaburra.

Legolas: Hello, I'm your local Avon rep...


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## elanor_sunstar (May 30, 2002)

hey shadowfax, wot about the part at the bottom of ur post to do with gandalf and star wars, thats somethin characters wouldn't say!


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## Wonko The Sane (May 30, 2002)

Legolas: OH NO!! MY ROOTS ARE SHOWING!!!


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## Shadowfax (May 30, 2002)

I already posted it earlier in the thread. But, here is my previous sig:

**Saruman: Palantir, Palantir, in my hand, who is the most powerful Maiar in all the land?

Palantir: *Reply hazy, try again*

And my current sig:

**Taking a page from another crazy, old, wizard, Gandalf waved his hand and assured the Nazgul that "These aren't the hobbits you're looking for. Let us pass."


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## Arathin (May 30, 2002)

I like the Saruman one, and the laughing bumper, I like that too. I wanted to buy it for my truck, but I had no money on me at the time. Must go back for the shirt and the bumper. hehe.

Frodo: Um...Sam. I have something to say.
Sam: Yes, Mr. Frodo.
Frodo: Sam, I love you. Dump Rosie and marry me.
Sam: Yuck! No! I love Rosie. *voice keeps getting lower* Rosie, Rosie, Rosie. *voice keeps getting lower* Well, um...*gulp* oh hobbit! Come here Mr. Frodo. I love ya too, my main hobbit!!!

Goldie will kill me for that one.


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## Gandalf_White (May 31, 2002)

Frodo: Hey Sam I'm gonna ask Rosie for a dance. Is that alright with you.
Gollum: Hey Frodo let me throw the Ring into Mount Doom for you.


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## Wonko The Sane (May 31, 2002)

Sauron: What's that climbing my mountain?! Oh, it's that Baggins chap and his plump friend. Oh what the hell, what harm can a pair of little hobbits do?


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## Wonko The Sane (May 31, 2002)

Legolas: Oh bloody hell. I've got my braids tangled in my bowstring again...


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## Shadowfax (May 31, 2002)

*snort* heeheehee, wow, this is a tip, kids, never drink fruit punch while reading this thread. Thanks alot WTS, now I have to clean my screen. Something I've noticed, or maybe it's just me, but ANY Tolkien character saying "bloody hell" is funny. See? I'm laughing right now!

Pippin: I'm the DD.

or
Pippin: The family of trichoptera Calamoceratae are characterized by Mesopleurin extended as an acuter process; the cases contain Laburnum with a transverse row of approximately sixteen long setae across central partk and the anterior median dorsal humpis...*

*this is an actual exerpt from my Caddisfly Larvae Biology book, that I am going to be useing to help with my lab write up this weekend. Even my bio teacher didn't know what some of that stuff was


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## Arathin (May 31, 2002)

That is great.


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## Nimawae's hope (Jun 4, 2002)

Must read this thread with GREEN punch......will gross many people out who have weak stomachs.....hee hee.....I should know!!!


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## Shadowfax (Jun 4, 2002)

Which one, the biology one ar the Designated Driver one?
oh, I also got the LotR skins for sims. funfunfun! Except Boromir burned to death trying to cook beans.


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## I.am.Smeagol (Jun 4, 2002)

*Cannot stop cracking up!* Poor Boromir! Hahahahahah!


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## Shadowfax (Jun 4, 2002)

Yeah, he started waving his arms around and screaming in a really high pitched voice. Oh, and Merry and Pippin got sent away to Military School. I should post some of the albums I've made.


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## Arathin (Jun 4, 2002)

*doubled in laughter* where---can----i---get----that? this---is---great! military----school????? *redoubles her laughter* Boromir----high--pitched--voice! holy--goddess!!!! *falls out of chair and rolls on floor laughing*


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## Shadowfax (Jun 5, 2002)

*Sims*

OK, Sims is a computer game. So go too your local Egghead and get it, then go to the site I.am.Smeagol posted and download the skins. The skins will be in zip format, which I have no idea how to unzip. It took a 3 hour phone session with ecnerwal to get mine running, but he said it took him less than 15 minutes. (I am a total computer dunce)
OH NO! Frodo got sent off to Military school too! I need to read in the manual to find out if they ever come back. Right now I have my neighbor hood set up as Follows:
The Pervy Hobbit Facier Family: Consists of Gandalf Merry and Pippin. they live on the huge house on the hill, and they have just about evey cool thing imaginable.

The Uruk Hai family: this consists of Lurtz. I decorated the house in japanese style, and he has a dance floor, hot tub, a pool, grill, drink bar, pool table, etc.

The "Special Friends" family: Frodo and Sam. Thye live in a little cottage, where every thing is pink. actually, Frodo does not live there any more as he just went off to Military school.

Gondorian Bachelors: Boromir and Aragorn: they live in a teeny house, like the dirty single men they are. Oh, and Nomatter how I set his personality, Aragorn never flushes.

Gloin-Greenleaf: Gimli and Legolas in the hous that was owned by the Goths until I evicted them. If you get the game you will know which one I mean.

The "of Rohan" Family: There is no skins for them, but I just used ones on the program. Eowyn has Black leather chaps. What more can i say?

The Amazon babe family: Xena and Gabrielle. Gabriell is currently two timing Boromir with Lurtz. heehee oh, and Xena slapped Gandalf for getting fresh with her. Too bad the program does not have instant replays. I would use that as a screen saver!


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## Shadowfax (Jun 5, 2002)

PLease forgive the spelling inthat last post. I am so tired I can not see straight.


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## Arathin (Jun 5, 2002)

That is great. I will have to look for it. Sooo funny....


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## Wonko The Sane (Jun 7, 2002)

This may have been said:

Frodo in the deep dark mines of Moria: Hey! Who's hand is that?!?!


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## Arathin (Jun 7, 2002)

Gandalf in the Mines of Moria: Ok, that is it! What little **** **** ******** put gum in my beard!!!!!


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## Shadowfax (Jun 7, 2002)

(has this been done b4?)
Sam (with Shelob): Raid! I knew I'd want it if I hadn't got it!


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## Arathin (Jun 7, 2002)

No it hasn't, and it is great.


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## Shadowfax (Jun 8, 2002)

OK, here are some pics from my Sims game. I will have to use multiple posts because I am a computer dunce and do not know how to post multiple attachments.

Gandalf: "Can't we all just get along?"


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## Shadowfax (Jun 8, 2002)

Get a load of Boromir's speedo. *yummy*

"Look mom! No hands!"


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## Shadowfax (Jun 8, 2002)

"I don't care if you ARE the future king of Gondor! I have to pee!"


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## Shadowfax (Jun 8, 2002)

The Warrior Princess and Aragorn, son of Arathorn get together and talk about... flowers?


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## Shadowfax (Jun 8, 2002)

Ok, here's Boromir burning to death. Fortunately I did not save the game, so he was reincarnated. You will just have to imagine the high pitched squealing.


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## Shadowfax (Jun 8, 2002)

OK, last one for now, tell me if you want more.

~Gandalf and Xena dancing. This was right before he tried to cop a feel and she clocked him one. Poor Gabrielle's all alone!


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## I.am.Smeagol (Jun 8, 2002)

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahah! *Takes a breath* Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Yes, post more! Post more! Or maybe make a site out of all of them? These are great! Must get game!


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## Legolas_lover12 (Jun 9, 2002)

hey, to whoever is doing the diaries, forgot who it was, you should do the diary of the balrog..........and that date he and gandalf had.................


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## Shadowfax (Jun 9, 2002)

OK, here's some more. Now I just have to figure out how to make websites...

~Legsie using VR.


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## Shadowfax (Jun 9, 2002)

Merry and Pippin watching Saturday morning cartoons.


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## Shadowfax (Jun 9, 2002)

Chug! Chug! Chug!


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## Shadowfax (Jun 9, 2002)

My little baby, off to destroy people! *sob*


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## Shadowfax (Jun 9, 2002)

"Give me back my pizza meanie elf boy!"
(no, seriously Legsie DID steal Sam's piece of pizza!)


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## Shadowfax (Jun 9, 2002)

I just had to include this one. At least he isn't is a bright pink speedo.


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## Arathin (Jun 9, 2002)

*falls over laughing* those are great. More! More! The great Tim the enchanter demands more. hehe. I love these. That one of the uruk-hai in the tub... oh my! I literally fell out of my chair.


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## Goldberry344 (Jun 10, 2002)

ohmy!!! those are great. and by the way, the person who wrote the original diaries isn't a member of this site....


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## Legolas_lover12 (Jun 10, 2002)

i meant the person who started another site and made more diaries.


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## Goldberry344 (Jun 10, 2002)

oh. thats me. lol. i havent done any for a while...but thats a good idea! 

check out this site. funniness.


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## Legolas_lover12 (Jun 10, 2002)

have you done sauron's diary? i can't remember. i think u did.....................ooooooooooooooooooo, i know! u could do the diary of an orc. and they could talk about how when they captured the hobbits, they smelled like strawberry bubblebath!


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## Goldberry344 (Jun 10, 2002)

i've only done The Ring, Celeborn and Galadrial....i wanted to do bill the pony's but then i had finals...


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## Wonko The Sane (Jun 10, 2002)

How about things LotR characters would never do?

Aragorn painting his face blue and mooning the oncoming army a la "Braveheart"...


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## Arathin (Jun 10, 2002)

haha. wonko the sane, that was great. 

Hey have any of you ever heard of the band Voltaire?


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## Goldberry344 (Jun 11, 2002)

*I really have no life*

Bill The Pony.

Day 1
Was bought by a comical crew today. 4 hobbits and 1 heir of Isildur. Supposedly, we're headed to Rivendell. I'll be surprised if these losers make it past Weathertop unharmed.

Day 6
What did I say?? Puny guy with blue eyes got stabbed today. now I have to carry him. He gets so annoying, all he does is shriek...almost an odd panting sort of thing. its somehow appealing, however, i suspect sam will kill me if i try anything.

Day 13
Fancy elf lady shows up, takes blue eyed midget off of me, thank god, and throws him on her horse and rides off with him. i think that she likes that too much...Aragorn seemed to want to ride with frodo, too, quite the pervy hobbit fancier.

Day 19
Stupid stupid stupid hobbit! i was very happy in Rivendell, there was a nice lady pony right next to my stall, a dappled grey, we were just getting to know eachother, when stuuuupppiiiddd hobbit decides to take me to the cracks of doom. damn.

Day 25
HEH, tried to go up a mountain. i could have told that daft Gadalf-the-grey hotshot that it wouldnt work. but he wouldnt listen to me.

Day 26
So they go and try the mines of moria. stupid of them, really. and besides that, stupid gandalf cant even translate elvish correctly. it took him an hour to say "friend" in elvish. They shoulda listened to Pippin...he says "why dont we just say friend in every language?" nooo, thats stupid...oh, and while we're at it, why dont we get rid of bill so that the Heir of Isildur can hit on the ring bearer?? fine. be that way.


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## arisen pheonix (Jun 11, 2002)

pippin- ewww some one put mushrooms in my soup

gandalf-now ican give you the ringbearer mister sauron sir but what can you give me

sauron-my dearest nazgul please go get me some hobbits i would like to have a tea party

theoden-shut up merry you fool i dont care what your grandpa did

ent-oh no mr orc i wasnt gonna kill you...

eowyn-uncle theo im in love with grima

gimili-come on galadriel baby lets split before your husband wakes up

aragorn-sorry arwen i dumping you for rosy

galdreil-sorry celi but legolas is just ssooo much better than you are

frodo-dammit sam stop fussing i should have brought some one else why dont you go back and send rosy


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## Nimawae's hope (Jun 13, 2002)

Dang!! You guys got me laughing so hard that I spit on the comp again.....now I've lost my library privileges again!!!

You guys crack me up!!


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## Dragon (Jun 13, 2002)

Gandalf:Frodo, do these robes make my butt look big?

Bilbo:I'm trying to cut down on smoking. I tried Nicotine patches, but they didn't work, I'm on the gum now.

Frodounder stress) I...just can't... seem to.... fit... in these...shoes.(stops trying) Ahhhh. I just don't understand...my feet used to be so small.

Aragorn to Arwen: You know I've never been kissed, right?

Any dwarf: Ale? No I don't want ale! Alcohol is just a mild poison, It can kill you if you drink too much! Humph, I'll show you ale, ale my a**

I tried my best.


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## Istar (Jun 13, 2002)

Those are great! Welcome to the forum, Dragon!


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## Goldberry344 (Jun 13, 2002)

ohmy, you guys are great!


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## Legolas_lover12 (Jun 14, 2002)

legolas - WHAT?! i have a ZIT?!


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## Goldberry344 (Jun 14, 2002)

lol, a blasted elven spot.

oh, did anyone see that Cassie Claire has written Sauron's diary?? its good. very good.


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## Arathin (Jun 14, 2002)

Gandalf: Thank you for the update, Goldie. I am heading off to read Sauron's dairy! *plays 1812 in the background*

me saying that is believable. oh wait i just did. muahahahahaha. confused ya didn't i?


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## Wonko The Sane (Jun 14, 2002)

Will you post the link to the LotR diaries again?
Please?!?!
*pleads*


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## Goldberry344 (Jun 14, 2002)

If i have to....Just for you, WTS!


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## Wonko The Sane (Jun 14, 2002)

Thank you!! I'll never forget again!


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## Goldberry344 (Jun 14, 2002)

oh, you had best not!!! 

I is bored. i would write a new diary, but the last one wasnt too funny. i have lost my inspiration. hrum.


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## Arathin (Jun 14, 2002)

Poor bored Goldie. Poor bored Goldie. Tee hee hee.


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## Legolas_lover12 (Jun 14, 2002)

or you could do the diary of shafowfax..............that could be made interesting..................


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## Chymaera (Jun 15, 2002)

"They say only: The Doors of Durin, Lord of Moria. Speak, friend, and enter. And underneath
small and faint is written: I, Narvi, made them. Celebrimbor of Hollin drew these signs. And
under that, in little tiny letters, I can just make out: Dwarves are little stunty bowlegged cretins
and their women are ugly. And with their poor eyesight and their native stupidity they'll
never even be able to read this. Bwah hah hah hah."


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## Shadowfax (Jun 15, 2002)

Grishnakh: "Hi! I was wondering if you know where you are going when you die? I have some literature I would like to go over with you..."

(sorry any Jehovah's Witnesses out there)


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## Goldberry344 (Jun 15, 2002)

*HRUM, why not?? Shadowfax needs a diary too.*

Thus reads the diary of the noble steed of the White Rider.

Day 1
v. fine here in Rohan. Lots of grass. yum.

Day 4
v. fine here in Rohan. Lots of grass. yum.

Day 6
Wandered to the hills today. v. fine in hills. lots of grass. met cute chestnut mare. score.

Day 7
Wandered to the hills today. met with cute chestunt mare. pranced a bit with her. totally!!

Day 9
Wandered to the hills today. strange grey man followed me. met with chestnut mare. strange grey man followed me. pranced about. strange grey man followed me. this is quite annoying.

Day 11
Have been followed by Gandalf for 3 days now. he keeps trying to mount me, wont let him. never.

Day 13
Gave in to Gandalf today. when he told Theoden about it he claimed it was his 'majestic influence'. I was only subdued when he showed me that nifty pointy hat trick. 

LATER
Borrowed hat. Chestnut mare v. impressed. score. She now insists on calling me Slim Shady. Am led to believe thats a good thing, as she pranced more enthusiastically afterwards.

Day 15
Arrived in the Shire. lots of little people. had to restrain self from trampling them all. so fun to squish. did hit one accidentally, gandalf made me drag him into the woods. blamed it on some black rider dude.

Day 17
Stayed at Bree last night. Cute andalusion mare in the stall next to me. have feeling she may be my 4th cousin thrice removed...
damn. have spent way too much time around hobbits.

Day 20
V. nice in Ithilian. however, elves seem to keep only geldings. not a single mare in sight. v. depressed.

Day 24
Snuggly little lawn ornament walked into stall today. bright blue eyes v. catchy. let him sit in my manger. Nibbled on hair a bit, dont think he liked it much.

Day 25
Lawn ornament came back with a friend. smelt suspiciously of strawberrys. New hobbit keeps dragging Frodo away from me. "be caaarreeefulll, frooodooo, you might get trrraaammmppplllleeddd!!" 

suspect he may slaughter me if i try anything.


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## Arathin (Jun 15, 2002)

that...was...absolutly...and...totally....the...best...diary...ever!!!!!!!!! *pauses between laughter for breath and then keeps laughing*


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## Legolas_lover12 (Jun 16, 2002)

that was great!!!! hehehehehehe!!!!!.....................i suspect he may slaughter me if i try anything..................hahahahahaha!!!!


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## Arathin (Jun 16, 2002)

yeah i love that. hehe go goldie.


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## Goldberry344 (Jun 16, 2002)

*blush* thanks!  if you have any ideas for diaries ill try em, but as you can see they dont all come out good (bill)


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## Shadowfax (Jun 16, 2002)

Legsie practicing his jumpshot.


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## My_Precious (Jun 16, 2002)

Hey, where did you get those Sims things?
Great diary, BTW!
Interviews with the lotr characters...


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## Goldberry344 (Jun 16, 2002)

If i had sims it would be quite obsene..... yar. but wants sims anyways.


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## Shadowfax (Jun 17, 2002)

I don't know how to attach a web site, but I.am.Smeagol knows where it is. Like I said, pick it up at your computer game store. Then download the skins from the website. I just got an expansion pack for the game that included one of those vibrating beds they have in cheap motels where they rent by the hour. The real funny part is that When you buy it, it is classified under "group activity" 

He's happy... about the Coleman they have to use because they have no money. I would have thought that a king would have higher standards than that. Maybe it reminds him of his ranger camping days?


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## Arathin (Jun 17, 2002)

those interviews are great, smeagol! me lovesssss them. me lovessss them.


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## LadyGaladriel (Jun 18, 2002)

Hey Pal , how do you get those sim characters to look like LOTR people? I would love them on my comp .


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## Merry (Jun 18, 2002)

***ing hell Pippin, would you just **** off and leave us all alone you ****.

Gandalf feeling stressed


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## Nimawae's hope (Jun 18, 2002)

*Snorts at above comment*

Gollum: I'm trying to get rid of that dang ring!! It just won't go away..... I tried to give it to some shrimpy hobbit, but he keeps throwing it back at me.....maybe Sauron would like it.

Sauron: AAAUUUURRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!! Get that ring AWAY from meeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Merry (Jun 18, 2002)

*snorts at being sorted at*

*Sauron to Frodo*

...No no, you keep it, I've just got a charming new bracelet!


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## Nimawae's hope (Jun 18, 2002)

*Snorts again* Sorry 'bout that....nervous habit you know!!

Sam: Oh look! Those ghosts in black capes are following us again. Should we invite them for tea?


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## Goldberry344 (Jun 18, 2002)

*THE WORKS OF MANY (credited to few)(and then they will say never have so many done so*

*much for so few) and now for something completely different : The Diary of THE WITCH KING OF ANTIOCH..........we are deeply sorry in the fault of the thread title. those responsible have been sacked...(Antioch is quite beautiful in the spring, really....my sister went to Antioch, she enjoyed it and came back with several lethal weapons....) we apologize for the contiuiing fault in the title. those responsible for those sacking those who were sacked, wish it to be known that they have just been sacked as well. so now we shall finish the title, and begin the post in a completely different way at great expense at the last minute...

GOLDIE, SMEAGOL AND ARATHIN IN THE DIARY OF THE WITCH KING! 

Starring 40 professionally trained ardvarks 
With 100 Hollywood aardvarks 
Also with a lovely purple ardvark as the Witch King's noble steed (you hear that?? i'm a noble steed)
8 Additional turquoise Nazgul steeds (who are ardvarks, but not quite as noble as the purple ardvark, who is acctually not that noble at all) (well, so much for noble steed!)
Also appearing is one light brown ardvark, who is not at all exceptional, but makes a slight appearance around day 6 *

and now, for something completely different!

THE EXTREMELY TOP SECRET DIARY OF ANNE FRANK

whops

The Diary of the Witch King

Day 1

Met v. nice man over palantir. Have aggreed to meet him at Barad-dur tonight. v. excited and antsey. Rather dark and mysterious place to have a first date, i would prefer dinner and a war. however, he seems quite nice, with a large....palantir.

Day 2

Oh, man, is that Sauron guy nice. i mean, not only is he fiiiinnne, but he doesnt waste any time, im getting married in four days, yo, you should see the engagement ring (author's note cough evil cough cough) he gave me. yo, it has a killer red flaming eye on it. man, i love this ring as much.....more than i love sauron. dude, it is so addicting.

Day 6

Excretions, man, Sauron called off the wedding. i got there in my perdy white....suit riding my brown ardvark (authors note I TOLD YOU!) (i.am.smeagol *twitch twitch*). I looked quite good, may i say, but sauron, man is he flaming! he has aggreed to let me stay at barad-dur with him. score. now i get to see his large.....palantir every day.

Day 23
A wall to keep out water, (author's note...i cant say d-*-m-n on the forum!) we've been beaten. It all ended when Sauron was kicked in the.....Palantir by Elrond. expect that it has something to do with jealosy and some dirty night one evening in the first age. have told Sauron that he can do much better.....like me. 
have been forced to move to a tower outside of mirkwood. (kept..... palantir, though) eight other loooosers decided to try to glomp my man's.... palantir. 

Day I lost count a while ago, a wall to keep out water- it!

Have been sent to chase little man with vibrant, shining, sparkling, glittering, glowing, magnificent blue eyes.....sorry, got distrated by his.....palatir. i didnt know that it would be the same size and shape of Sauron's.....palantir.
Have been given a perdy purple ardvark to ride. im special, the other eight losers just go turquoise aardvarks. yar!

Day I lost count a while ago 2

Am beginning to notice a lack of self/skin on myself. it seems that i am invisible. score. #6 seems to think that since Sauron is out of the way, im fair game. will not submit

Day i lost cout a while ago 6
Have seen a little brown ardvark, wonder why he has hobbit on back. pretty blue eyes. perhaps i should chase him. 


noooooo! way too cute. rather attractive. however, that silly little manservant of his is all over him... "Frooodoooo, ill take care of your....palantir for you! Froooodooo, dont let merry and pippin play with your.....palantir like that. its baaaad for you" bloody favoritism. suspect he will kill me if i try anything. wait....can i die?

If you have read this, you have too much free time, go out side.



The diary's over. 

Really.

You're wasting your time reading this.

Move on! Seriously, i swear it's over. GO!


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## I.am.Smeagol (Jun 18, 2002)

*And now for somthing somewhat different...*

Welp, anyways, the above diary was written after Goldie and Arathin slept over my house. Basicly we were up to 6 am in the morning watching Jay and Silent Bob and MP And Now for Something Completely Different. Heh, after that we ate icecream Sundays, various other things, the Arathin and Jen tried to teach me Magic: The Gathering, while I in turn tried to learn and teach them about the new LotR card game. 
We didn’t fall asleep until around 6:30 when we were watching cut scenes from J&SB and I started to drift off and Jen and Althea followed suit. The next morning this madness ensued. So the diary was written, (Althea typing me'n Jen throwing in ideas and tidbits.) We then decided to record it... Scarey huh?

Please Please Please listen to our recordings, the first one is crazy and then the last ones are crazy, but its all good. 


Click HERE 1st! If you dare!
Click here 2nd! Muahahaha!  
3rd... You know you want to... 
Tehehe. So amusing.. 4th.  
Arther, erm, Authors note....  <-- quick mentioning of the 'B' word. You have been warned. 
Goldberry's Bye Bye  *Sniff*Cry*Sob*
Listen to my personal ramblings... =P 

Fin!!


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## My_Precious (Jun 18, 2002)

Can I say it was brilliant? Yes I can! WOOOHOOO! Great JOB!!!


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## Arathin (Jun 18, 2002)

Thank you, thank you. Yes we are really that crazy! that wasn't us like over reacting or anything. We really are like that! as prove by the sound files. hehe. well i must say that the whole thing was amazingly fun to do and read and recite and listen to. hehe. thank you inviting us over smeagol. we love you. and goldie you know i will so miss you so much. til you come back. "and they will say never have to many done so much for so few."


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## Shadowfax (Jun 18, 2002)

hey, tell me if this works, y'all. I have never linked to a website before. (crosses her fingers and prays to all that's Holy)Skins for Sims 
You will have to go to the text directory to find them. This is also where I got some Xena character skins. One of my friends found some Star Trek skins, but I haven't found the website for them yet.

Meeting Captain Janeway. Borrie has a new job as a security guard he just wasn't cut out for the pro-athlete career track. (Everytime he and Aragorn played one on one, he would cry when he lost. Aragorn was no help. He did this annoying little victory dance.)


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## My_Precious (Jun 18, 2002)

No, it says that the site doesn't exist...
Sorry...


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## Shadowfax (Jun 18, 2002)

*muffled cursing*


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## Shadowfax (Jun 18, 2002)

OK, maybe this will work!

Lurtz proposing to Gabrielle. (She rejected him, and he wet to his room to have a good cry)


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## Arathin (Jun 18, 2002)

Well that is ok. We can forgive you this time. I have never tried to put a site on anything b/c I could never do that. So have either of you dled us reading the dairy? it is exesively funny i promise you that.

Wow! that was so funny!


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## Goldberry344 (Jun 18, 2002)

hey, its me. this'll prob. be the last time im on for two months.....sob.

anywho, did anyone bother with the diary? or did you all say, "long post, no way"?


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## Arathin (Jun 18, 2002)

Didn't you read the replies, Goldie? They loved it. We need to get together to write those things more often. hehe. If you write any at camp just mail them to me or Smeagol and we'll post them for you. lovya and will missya.


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## Goldberry344 (Jun 18, 2002)

well, my_precious liked it.......i saw that.......but.....sniff....


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## Arathin (Jun 19, 2002)

We all loved it, Goldie, and I know you won't see this before you leave, but we all love you too. cya when you get back, Goldie. We'll have a big riding party, right Smeags.


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## Nimawae's hope (Jun 19, 2002)

Don't cry Goldie I just now read the whole long hilarious bit......and, well.........I haven't been THAT amused in a very LOOOOOOONG time.......in plainer terms I shall say this: It was brilliant, spectacular, gorgeous, academy award winning, help-me-I-can't-stop funny,etc, etc, etc..........and it was even pretty good......Man you guys WERE tired weren't you......sounds like me when I'm just a liiiittle sleep deprived!!  Oh yeah the sound bits were good too!!!!


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## My_Precious (Jun 19, 2002)

Yes, I listened to your recordings too. "And now for something commmpletly different"...


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## Goldberry344 (Jun 19, 2002)

score, my_precious even changed her siggy! lol. at least someone has enjoyed it. and just so you know, smeagol and arathin fell asleep first. mwahahahaha


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## My_Precious (Jun 19, 2002)

I always fall asleep first when my friends are staying over.


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## Nimawae's hope (Jun 19, 2002)

Why, do they bore you that much...J/K!!

Anywho, the last time I spent the night at my best friend's house I got really bored......she went to bed at MIDNIGHT!!!! How can she be so cruel to her best friend!!!!! WAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! She hurt my feelings!!! Or maybe she just got sick of my insanity.......believe me when I say she has no insane bone in her body!!!


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## Shadowfax (Jun 19, 2002)

We should have a big virtual party in one of the forums when Goldberry gets back. Just a thought. I am still working on making a website with my LotR albums, but progress is slow. Does any one like them? 

Pippin: No way, man. Alcohol is poison.

**
Sam: Hey guys, wanna check out my new pool?


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## My_Precious (Jun 19, 2002)

> Why, do they bore you that much...J/K!!


No, we all talk until about 3 am, then it gets boring (we run out of topics to talk about), then I pass out, then they wake me up, then they pass out, then I'm the only one who is not sleeping, and finally in an hour I pass out again.


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## Arathin (Jun 20, 2002)

hehe well we watched "Jay and Silent Bob Strick Back" then we watched "Monty Python and now for something completey different" then at 1:30am we had sundaes, then we stayed up til 5:30 playing magic, the gathering, then we talked til 6:30, then slept til 11amish. hehe we had fun and are going to do that again, right Smeags?


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## Shadowfax (Jun 20, 2002)

You sleep only till 11? For me it's not a party unless afterwards you watch "CBS evening news" during breakfast.

Merry: Geez Theoden, you should really act your age more!


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## kristi de marin (Jun 20, 2002)

if nobody used this one already...

Frodo: Hey Sauron, I challenge you to a game of one-on-one. Winner keeps this old ring i got.


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## Shadowfax (Jun 20, 2002)

Hee, hee, that was very good kristi. Welcome to the forum!

Goldberry: Quit singing and dancing around Tom! You're embarassing me!


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## Flame of Anor (Jun 21, 2002)

oops I did it again, I played with your heart.....bla bla bla. That is all I know but you get the idea.

-Flame


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## Gandalf_White (Jun 21, 2002)

*Frodo and Sam banging on the Black Gate*
Frodo: Hey you there, orc, tell Sauron to come down here we've got a to do some business with him.
Sam: Yeah and hurry up.
*The Mouth of Sauron comes down*
Mouth: What do you want?
Frodo(holding out the Ring): Um could you give this to Sauron for us?
Mouth: Certainly.
*The Mouth starts to walk away*
Sam: Hey did you think we were just gonna give it to you? Come on. Pay up.


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## kristi de marin (Jun 22, 2002)

hey shadowfax thanks for the welcome! 

hmm how much would frodo and sam get for that ring? hehe

aragorn: legolas, wanna help me bleach my hair? i heard blonds have more fun...and i wanna have more fun...

ok yeah not the best but i'm tired i worked all nite


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## elanor_sunstar (Jun 22, 2002)

how about this, it comes from a different film (not in the same words though)

Gollom: Now how do the nasty Bagginseess do it, i don't want it, i dont want it. 
*Sauron appears in the distance with the ring on his finger.*
Gollom: *sobs* I DONT WANT IT!


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## Arathin (Jun 22, 2002)

That is good. What movie? It rings a bell, but I can't name it.


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## elanor_sunstar (Jun 23, 2002)

Homeward bound, its about 2 dogs and a cat, 1 of the dogs is trying to catch sum fish!


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## Legolas_lover12 (Jun 23, 2002)

oh, i love that movie!!! homeward bound II is better in my opinion though.


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## elanor_sunstar (Jun 23, 2002)

i think i prefer the 1st but only just!


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## I.am.Smeagol (Jun 23, 2002)

The first was so much better. ^^


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## Legolas_lover12 (Jun 23, 2002)

well, the 1st one was good too. but i still like the 2nd one better.


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## Arathin (Jun 23, 2002)

Thankees I love that movie. I knew I had seen the movie just couldn't name it. It bugs me when that happens.


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## Gandalf_White (Jun 24, 2002)

I love Homeward Bound. I think I like the 2nd one better though. Just a little bit.


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## Legolas_lover12 (Jun 24, 2002)

arathin - that bugs me too!!!!................and it happens a lot, too!!!!!!!!!!


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## Nimawae's hope (Jun 24, 2002)

Many peoples seem to like the number 2 version......never seen it myself........but probably will eventually.......my sis is a dog nut........she even likes Air Bud!!


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## Wonko The Sane (Jun 24, 2002)

> _Originally posted by elanor_sunstar _
> *how about this, it comes from a different film (not in the same words though)
> 
> Gollom: Now how do the nasty Bagginseess do it, i don't want it, i dont want it.
> ...



The next time you quote "Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey" in this forum again you will be dragged out into the streets and summarily shot.
You have been warned.


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## Arathin (Jun 24, 2002)

Wow wts. violent. How about hp?


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## Legolas_lover12 (Jun 24, 2002)

I LOVE HARRY POTTER!!!! i'm watching the movie right now in fact................grrrrrrrrr...............smape is SUCH a jerk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## My_Precious (Jun 24, 2002)

Erm....Wasn't that Nimawae's Hope?


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## I.am.Smeagol (Jun 24, 2002)

*Blinks* *Twitch* *Gasp*

Did you just dis SNAPE? ARGGGGGGGGGGGG. Time for you to pay.... Snape is one of my heros and the coolest most awesome person in the entrie serries!!!!!!!! (Okay, Lupin and Black kick major arse, too. But still.... You get the point.)


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## My_Precious (Jun 25, 2002)

Yeah, Harry Potter is a great night story. *Looks for her Harry Potter file*.


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## Arathin (Jun 25, 2002)

Snape, Snape, Snape!!! Lupin, Lupin, Lupin!!! Black, Black, Black!!! 

(Can you tell that those three men make the whole series worth it to me?) 

I love drawing Snape, Lupin, and Black, especial all in one picture. I can really capture the malice and shear hatred in its most raw and exposed form. muahahahahahahaha!!!! what? oh sorry got a little side tracked. hehe.


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## Shadowfax (Jun 25, 2002)

I have to agree, Snape is awsome. I mean, c'mon, he risked his life to help overthrow Voldemort, and the wrath of his followers, and he keeps saving Harry. It's Lucius Malfoy who is the real villian.


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## Legolas_lover12 (Jun 25, 2002)

ok, this is what i meant, he's a jerk, but he's still one of my fav characters. actually i like all the characters.....................especially all of the weaslys, black, lupin, snape, the malfoys (cuz i love to hate them), hermione, ron, harry (duh), cedric, krum, hagrid, trelawney, dumbledore, neville (cuz he's so stupid).......................................
...........................................................................................
...........................................................................................
............................................................................................
................


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## Legolas_lover12 (Jun 25, 2002)

oh, and lockhart..........................


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## I.am.Smeagol (Jun 25, 2002)

*Glares suspiciously* Hrm... You can live for now... 

Eeep. I cant stand Harry. *Hides*


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## My_Precious (Jun 25, 2002)

Nice siggie!


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## Wonko The Sane (Jun 25, 2002)

Yes HP is fine..MORE than fine even!! 
And yes...I can be violent when the need arises...

I like Snape, he's mean at times...but deep down he cares about Harry and he wants to protect him. Didn't he tell James Potter he'd look out for his son?
Snape's a good egg. I like him.


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## My_Precious (Jun 25, 2002)

No, he didn't. They were enemies in school, just like HP and Drako Malfoy. He was looking after Harry because his father saved him once. I liked Snape until... Anyone still reading the books don't look!
...until he went crazy in front of Lupin and Black...


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## Wonko The Sane (Jun 25, 2002)

Oh..that's right...He saved Harry because he owed his father...

That's close enough...Snapes a good guy.


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## I.am.Smeagol (Jun 25, 2002)

Heh, thankies. ^_^

Yah, thats on of the few times Snape Irked me.. (Kinda Spoiler Ahead)

That and when he was mean to Hermione (sp?) about her teeth... 
Anywho, Snape kicks arse. 


Shelob: Sorry Gollum, Ive turned vegetarian..


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## Shadowfax (Jun 25, 2002)

Hermione needs to be taken down a peg sometimes.


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## Shadowfax (Jun 25, 2002)

Hee,hee, hee!
So HP


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## Arathin (Jun 25, 2002)

I agree Hermione irrates me, but Snape kicks total arse. He and Lupin and Black are soo the best in the whole series. I really can't stand harry sometimes. He is just yuck! Don't like him! I like Fred and George. They are great! and so are Bill and Charle! Hate Lockhart. He is the reason I can't go back and reread the second book at all! I have read the other three like three or four or (book three for lupin and black) seven times hehe. can you tell who my favorites are yet? hehe


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## I.am.Smeagol (Jun 25, 2002)

HP fans! All bow down and worship this person who drew these kick arse pics! 

http://www.nasubionna.net/hp/index2.html

And for all the Snape fans...
http://www.nasubionna.net/hp/shrines/snape.html


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## Gandalf_White (Jun 26, 2002)

People, I really think we should all get back to the original subject of Things LOTR characters would never say. I got one.

Aragorn: "Legolas, tell me what is it with that hair that makes the girls like you so much?"


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## Nimawae's hope (Jun 26, 2002)

Aragorn: Hmmmmm......maybe I ought to brush my hair today.

Legolas: Do these leggings make my butt look big?


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## Arathin (Jun 26, 2002)

Legolas: Wow, Gimli! You're really a girl dwarf!!!!!
Gimli: Yes, I am. See only a dwarf can tell the difference.
Legolas: So that is why I feel so attracted to you!


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## My_Precious (Jun 26, 2002)

Hey, if only dwarves can see the difference between the male dwarf and female dwarf, how do we know that Gimli is a guy? It's not specified in the books that he was actually he ...

EDIT: Oh, wait, it was. "Gimli, son of Gloin". But it doesn't proove anything.


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## Arathin (Jun 26, 2002)

That is exactly the point of my last post!!!!!!!! I mean come on! We never are told that Gimli is actually a guy! So what it says son of Gloin! It was prolly just the other characters own assumtion that Gimli was a son. I bet it was really Gimli, daughter of Gloin, to the dwarves.


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## Legolas_lover12 (Jun 27, 2002)

i.am.smeagol and arathin - WHAT??!!! YOUR HATE HARRY??!!! *GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M SORRY, BUT, NOW I'LL HAVE TO KILL YOU BOTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!* HOW CAN YOU HATE HARRY??!!!!! HHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Arathin (Jun 27, 2002)

Hating Harry is easy. I can do it like this.... I H-A-T-E H-A-R-R-Y P-O-T-T-E-R! See now wasn't that easy. He is just too much my opposite. I hate people like him. All goody goody. I am the evil in more ways than one, but I am not bad enemy evil. Just evil. Like Snape evil mixed with Black and Lupin evil mixed with their loyalty and respectablity and intelligence. That is why I like those three so much. hehe.


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## Shadowfax (Jun 27, 2002)

Totally agree Arathin. I would have responded sooner, but I literally just walked in the door from a horse show. about those pics... SNAPE HAS A BEARD! (doesn't he?)

Gimli: Hello, my name is Gimli.

Group: *Hi Gimli!* 

Gimli: And I'm claustrophbic!


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## I.am.Smeagol (Jun 27, 2002)

Firstly. Arathin, that was so my idea about Gimli being female! GASP! I am ashamed of you! *Sob* I never thought youd sink to the level of stealing my ideas! *Sob*
Heh, j/k. But still, my fan fic about that is nearly done and I dont want anyone saying that I stole your ideas, when really they were my own to begin with. ;P

As for Harry disliking (as I dont 100% hate him).. He is just so easy to be irked with. I Dunno. Just my personal preference. 

As for Snape w/ a beard. It hasnt been proven either way. Yes, in the American version of the book, there is one pic w/ Snape w/ a beard... But that could jsut be the artist's interpretation.... It never says either way if he has a beard or is clean shaven...

Gimli: Does this thong compliment the color of my beard? *Bad images! AHHHHHHG*


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## Shadowfax (Jun 27, 2002)

Heh, heh, how about Gandalf saying that?

*WARNING*WARNING*WARNING*
this is a rather disturbing Sim pic, and I hope it won't give too many people nightmares!


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## I.am.Smeagol (Jun 27, 2002)

HOLY MOTHER OF TOLKIEN! *Twitch* 
Thats it. Next 40$ I get Is going to buy that game. Or I will convince a friend of mine who has 'connections' with some comp gamer to get one for me.. Hrmm....


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## Shadowfax (Jun 27, 2002)

heh, heh, that how I got mine. I have not paid a cent for it, or any of the expansion packs. (hint: get Sims: Livin' Large too. It has GREAT stuff in it!)


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## Gandalf_White (Jun 28, 2002)

I hate Harry Potter too! Down with Harry!

Gandalf: (after Pippin makes the skeleton fall into the well.) Oh Pippin, you poor boy. Now be careful around those wells or you might just fall in.

ha!


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## Legolas_lover12 (Jun 28, 2002)

*sniff* *sniff* how can you all hate harry!!!! and plz don't answer that question. (goes off to talk to her friend, who likes harry as much as she does) *sniff* *sniff*


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## My_Precious (Jun 28, 2002)

You mean Harry Potter as a character? I like him. But I like Fred and Geogre more, and their Friend, whatshisname. I didn't like them in the movies, tho. I liked the captain of the Harry's team (Wood, right?). I was really cute.


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## Legolas_lover12 (Jun 28, 2002)

yes, i mean harry potter as a character. his personality. not how "hott" he is. 
fred and george's friend's name was lee jordan, i think. wasn't it? oh, it was something like that. i haven't read those books for at least a year now. i've been too busy trying to read the lord of the rings books. 
so far i've read the hobbit, FotR, TTT, RotK, and half of the Sil. i still have a lot more to read......................
and i liked wood too.


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## Ithrynluin (Jun 30, 2002)

(On the bridge of Khazad-dum)
Fellowship to Gandalf(_collectively_ ):
"You are the weakest link. Goodbye!"


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## Arathin (Jun 30, 2002)

Yeah Fred and George's friend is Lee Jordan. And Oliver Wood is Harry's team's captian(sp?). anything else you want to know?

Pippinafter Gandalf yells at him in Moria at the well) Well, look here you silly old git of a wizard! I may be a fool of a Took, as you put it, but at least I am proud to be a fool of a Took. And a darn good one I might add!


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## Shadowfax (Jun 30, 2002)

Sam: (gets hayfever)


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## Legolas_lover12 (Jun 30, 2002)

gandalf (to pippin in moria after the whole well thing) : @#%& [email protected]$# %^&$ #$&% @#%$!

hehehe


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## Nimawae's hope (Jul 1, 2002)

Hmmm....I think that is something that Gandalf WOULD say!!!!


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## Shadowfax (Jul 1, 2002)

Like I said a while back, I think that any LotR character swearing is funny for some reason. Don't ask me why.

Sam: Glue, anyone?

(yes I know that's mean, but believe me I AM a horse lover!)


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## Legolas_lover12 (Jul 1, 2002)




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## Arathin (Jul 2, 2002)

*sniffles from a very slight sunburn* hehe well that is ok. I.am.smeagol's entire family is more sunburned than I am, and they used tons of sunscreen. I, on the other hand, didn't use any! haha! sry smeagol, but i had to comment... No, don't kill me! It was just a joking comment! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo--------- (I am afraid that Arathin's scream has been cut off by the fact that I.am.Smeagol is trying to strangle her b/c she doesn't get sunburned as easily as I.am.Smeagol's entire family. We apolige for this incomvence. Thank you.)


Pippin about Frodo: My cousin thinks he is sexy. If I were a girl, I would agree, but I am not. So I will refrain from any comments that might get me shot, hung, burned at the stake, or thrown in a river and drowned. Thank you and goodnight!


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## I.am.Smeagol (Jul 2, 2002)

Smeagol: Nasssstttyyyyy Sunnnburnnnn.. We hates it! We hates the sun forever!


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## Arathin (Jul 2, 2002)

Yay...?

most amusing, Smeagol. most amusing. but you already knew that didn't you?


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## Nimawae's hope (Jul 10, 2002)

I think that was a very appropriate thing for I.am.Smeagol to say..........hee hee hee.....SUN BURNS.........had more than enough of 'em myself!!!


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## Arathin (Jul 10, 2002)

Yes I.am.Smeagol is very amusing sometimes, but then she tries to bite my fingers off to get at my many rings. My dragon ring is her favorite to go after.


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## Legolas_lover12 (Jul 10, 2002)

i never get sunburned. 

*runs away to avoid getting strangled also*


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## Arathin (Jul 11, 2002)

Ha! I never got sunburned either until this time. And don't worry I.am.Smeagol only ever strangles our friend Eogthea, as those two are always fighting over Orli/Leggy


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## I.am.Smeagol (Jul 12, 2002)

Heh, good to know people find me comical.

Edit:

Also, no one is harm of getting strangled unless they happen to have Orlando Bloom in their closet and wont share, or they have rings and taunt me with them.


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## FINGOLFIN (Jul 12, 2002)

*Hobbits would never say.....*

1. I'm considering joining a gym...or maybe Slimfast
2. Is this a lite beer?
3. I'm going to shave my feet
4. No thank you...I'm full
5. I'd like the dinner salad please.
6. Can I borrow your boat?
7. Is that a pistol in your.....(never mind)
8. I'm returning the spoons I borrowed.
9. So your moving to a third floor apartment.
10. A Quest....yes please!


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## FINGOLFIN (Jul 12, 2002)

*Elves would never say....*

1. I'm dead on my feet.
2. Can you see that...I forgot my glasses.
3. Let's go spelunking
4. I'd die for a......
5. Elbereth who?
6. I'm thinking of dying my hair red...
7. Let's go talk to those Dwarves.
8. Magic...we don't need no stinking magic!
9. Are you going to eat that..
10. Orcs are like family.


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## Legolas_lover12 (Jul 12, 2002)

i have a lot of very pretty rings!!!!!! riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

i.am.smeagol hears a faint elven voice coming from legolas_lover12's closet. "heeeeeeeeeeeeeelp meeeeeeeeeeeeeee............................pleeeeeeeeeeeeease heeeeeeeeeeeelp meeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

****runs way again because she is sure she will be strangled now***


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## FINGOLFIN (Jul 12, 2002)

*Wizards would never say...*

1. Spell check?!
2. I will have to check with my staff...
3. What do you mean...what color am I??!!!
4. You can never have too many hats.
5. No thank you...I don't smoke
6. I think I will just hang out here for a while.
7. I don't care what's under the mountain.
8. Yes...I know Harry Potter.
9. Moria?...yes please.
10. I remember when I was a kid, we used to have to.....


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## Legolas_lover12 (Jul 12, 2002)

harrypotter...................HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA


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## I.am.Smeagol (Jul 13, 2002)

Those are great, Fingolfin! Hehehe.


*Scowls and while Legolas_lover12 runs away, I.am.Smeagol sneaks in to her room and steals an unsuspecting elf.* My preeecccioooousssssssssssss. 
Muahahaahahahaha.
  

Smeagol (to Legolas): Uhm, did I ever tell you that you are kind of cute? Not to mention that your hair is simply great, where do you get it done?


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## Legolas_lover12 (Jul 13, 2002)

........................but what i.am.smeagol does not know is that the legolas in legolas_lover12's closet is a fake. a robot. and will self destruct exactly 2 hrs after it has been taken from her closet..........................5...............4.............3............2................
1..................BOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## arisen pheonix (Jul 13, 2002)

eeewwww nassssty elf aahhhh elves are only good for blood


frodo was the cutest in the movie but BOROMIR WAS THE COOLEST


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## Legolas_lover12 (Jul 13, 2002)

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR...............................


(LL12 sneaks up behind arisen phoenix, dagger raised above her head...........................)


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## arisen pheonix (Jul 13, 2002)

whirls around bars fangs nasty elves rrrrrr ugly bags of blood *goes matrix and jumps into mid air kicks dagger out of hand*

ive got you my pretty and your little elf too ahhahahhhaaaaa


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## Shadowfax (Jul 13, 2002)

*comes in, takes away various sharp implements and sends those two to their corners until they can play nicely and share*


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## arisen pheonix (Jul 13, 2002)

sits in corner drinking quicksilver and imaging legolas geting bled by someone


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## Legolas_lover12 (Jul 14, 2002)

................while shadowfax has her back turned, LL12 quickly slips out of the room, goes up to the attic where she keep legolas, and asks him to borrow his knife, bow, and arrows. after a "quick" kiss LL12 sneaks back down stairs, and waits just outside the door.....................


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## arisen pheonix (Jul 14, 2002)

turns into large demon and walks over to LL12 smiles as arrows go right threw without hesitation decides being a demon is too easy and turns self into a kelerian nimbly catching arrows and throws them back then jumps over head and runs up to attic with evil grin


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## Legolas_lover12 (Jul 14, 2002)

..................LL12 uses her powers of teleportation to get up to the attic b4 arisen phoenix. she then grabs legolas and teleports them to a tropical, sandy beach far, far away................................


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## arisen pheonix (Jul 14, 2002)

sends telepathic message to all vampires on nasssty sunny beaches that free imported elves may be there


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## Legolas_lover12 (Jul 14, 2002)

LL12 quickly uses magic to un-point legolas' ears so no one will know he is an elf. she also gets him a new wardrobe. 

(i think what he wore in the movie would stand out a little)


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## arisen pheonix (Jul 14, 2002)

rrrrrrrrrrrrr people are so rude your not supposed interupt evil schemes dont you know that

he still smells like musty old forests


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## Lillyaundra (Jul 14, 2002)

ppl can be sooooo very rude when you want to think they just start and then you get confused and they get confused and we all get confused!! yay


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## Legolas_lover12 (Jul 14, 2002)

no, i made him take a bath.


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## My_Precious (Jul 15, 2002)

Well, I AM confused....
Down with the elves!


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## FINGOLFIN (Jul 15, 2002)

*Top 10 things Aragorn would not say....*

1. I need a shave and a haircut
2. Oh...I thought you said Gondors "Ming" dynasty
3. Yes...I know Harry Potter too.
4. What could I possibly do with a broken sword?
5. I just date Arwen...
6. No...I'm not the Lone Ranger
7. What's Spidey-sense?
8. Brown just isn't my color
9. I don't feel like going
10. Reforge it yourself!!!


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## Wonko The Sane (Jul 15, 2002)

*To settle the argument once and for all...*

The hottest boy in HP is Oliver Wood played by Sean Biggerstaff...

I call eternal dibs.
*swoons*

Things LotR characters would never say:

Gimli: IF I HEAR ONE MORE CRACK ABOUT SNOW WHITE I'M GONNA....

Legolas: I'M NOT A LEPRECHAUN, DAMNIT!


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## Legolas_lover12 (Jul 15, 2002)

a leprechaun..........................HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..........................

LL12 now has to find a way to kill my precious as well. ooooooo, i know, throw her into the cracks of mt. doom.


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## arisen pheonix (Jul 15, 2002)

nnoooooo i want oliver dammit wonko



o well nasssty elf probably tastes bad anyway


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## Nimawae's hope (Jul 15, 2002)

Ah! The intensity of women's.....uh......love?


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## arisen pheonix (Jul 15, 2002)

oliver!*drools* i mean umm

nasssty elfsses


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## My_Precious (Jul 15, 2002)

LL12. Lego's nail is broken! Help him manicure it...


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## arisen pheonix (Jul 15, 2002)

legolas is a wimpy little pretty boy nasssty elfsess vampires much better yas good vampires


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## Wood Bloom (Jul 15, 2002)

shut up pheonix u don't know what ur talkin about
we all have our own appinion


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## arisen pheonix (Jul 15, 2002)

yes i do know what im talking about im talking about vampires vs. elves (vampires winning of course)


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## Wood Bloom (Jul 15, 2002)

well we all have our own appinion any way


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## arisen pheonix (Jul 15, 2002)

yes we do wood and in mi demented little opinoin vampires rock


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## Wood Bloom (Jul 15, 2002)

never mind ur hopless

LL12 i tried


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## Legolas_lover12 (Jul 15, 2002)

oh well, i guess we can't make her see the light. 

(get it?? light, vampires...................oh, i'm not funny i know)

ELVES RULE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## arisen pheonix (Jul 15, 2002)

ok you people are hope less you refuse to see the Night i am not going to waste anymore time


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## Gandalf_White (Jul 16, 2002)

Gandalf: Gimme that ring, Frodo, _I_ want to be the next Dark Lord.
Frodo: Sure take it. I think you'd make a great Dark Lord, Mr. Gandalf, Sir.


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## Nimawae's hope (Jul 16, 2002)

LOL!! 
What if both Gandalf and Galadriel wanted the ring?
Galadriel: Gandalf, give me that little trinket that Frodo let you have.

Gandalf: WHAT!?! NO!! It's mine!!! MINE I TELL YOU!!! _I WILL BE THE NEXT DARK LORD!!!!!! NOTHING CAN STOP ME NOTHING!!!!!!!!_ 

Galadriel: AAAAUUUURRRRGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!! *Attacks Gandalf with ferocity of a.....um........cougar*

*Very good cat fight (Hee hee) gets going*

OOC: AUUURRRGGGHHHH!!!!!! The images!!!!!!


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## Arathin (Jul 21, 2002)

Ok look this will solve that little problem between mad hott vampires and sweet sexy elves. My personal favorite, the vampire elf.


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## FINGOLFIN (Jul 21, 2002)

*Okay...*

Aragorn: Reforge it yourself!!!!


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## FINGOLFIN (Jul 21, 2002)

*The whole fellowship....*

We don't like cram!!!!!

Cram, Cram, Cram, Cram, Cram, Cram, Cram, Cram, baked beans, and Cram!


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## I.am.Smeagol (Jul 21, 2002)

Guess what everyone! I am still alive! Muahaha. I was just taking a wee break while lurking over at the forums at FictionAlly Park. Heh, anyways, I agree with Arathin. Why choose between Elves and vamps when you can have the best of both worlds? Imagine choosing between Lestat and Legolas! O_O I couldnt even fathom what Id do or whom Id choose!


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## Nimawae's hope (Jul 22, 2002)

LOL!!! Guess if you like the life blood sucked out of you it would be a difficult situation!!

Personally I'd take an elf ANY day of the week......and I'd probably drive a stake through a vampire.....you know......just for the fun of it.........(DANG!!! Too much Buffy!!!)


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## Legolas_lover12 (Jul 22, 2002)

i would definetly take an elf. elves don't bite u on the neck and drain your blood!!!!   



*ELVES RULE!!! VAMPIRES DROOL!!!*


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## Arathin (Jul 22, 2002)

yay for the vampires! yay for the vampires! they will drink your blood till you die! wait.... 

hehe i love vampires. they can be very silly sometimes. they also can be that person you all know on the tolkien forum who has over 1280 something posts and whose name begins with A. Gee I wonder who that could be?


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## Legolas_lover12 (Jul 22, 2002)

gee, i have NO idea!!!!!


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## Arathin (Jul 22, 2002)

Did I make my point clear enough? I am a witch and a vampire. Anyone scared yet? I know that I.am.Smeagol isn't, but she never is scared of me, no matter what I do. Oh well. I like Vampire Elves. They are most amusing.


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## Wood Bloom (Jul 22, 2002)

ur not alone my friend Arisen Pheonix is a vampire freak


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## I.am.Smeagol (Jul 22, 2002)

*Giggles* Arathin, you are no Vampire freak until you have read all the Anne Rice books. *Giggles* Imagine if Lestat and Legolas had a kid. He would be blond, georgics, dead sexy, vampire elf. *Droolage* I know that is completely impossible, but still, cant stop one from imagining.

Who _wouldn’t _ a vampire nibbling on their neck?  Especially if that vampire had the appearance of Legolas and co, or book-version!Lestat, or Stuart Townsend (played L in the Queen of the Damned movie, which s*****, but the book is good.)


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## Legolas_lover12 (Jul 23, 2002)

i wouldn't want a vampire sucking on my neck. legolas is OK.


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## FINGOLFIN (Jul 23, 2002)

*Vampires!?!?!?!?*

This is begining to get weird...have fun people!!


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## I.am.Smeagol (Jul 23, 2002)

*Sits giggling in the corner rocking back and fourth*

I will.

Vampire... *Giggle* ...Elf...*Giggle*...Vampire!Elf... *Giggle*


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## Arathin (Jul 23, 2002)

I think I.am.Smeagol has finally cracked. Well I must say that a Lestat sucking on my neck wouldn't be all that bad. Oh yeah!


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## Nimawae's hope (Jul 24, 2002)

LOL!!!! This place is getting WAY out of hand!!! He he he!!! It's GREAT!!!!


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## Legolas_lover12 (Jul 24, 2002)

it is, isn't it!!!!!!!!   this started out being things LOTR characters would never say, now it is "would u want a vampire to suck on ur neck?" LOL!!!! amazing!!!


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## Arathin (Jul 24, 2002)

I happen to like vampires and here is something a LoTR char would never say: 

Boromir: I think I would like a Legolas/Lestat elf/vampire to suck my neck. What about you, Aragorn?


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## Legolas_lover12 (Jul 25, 2002)

no, gimli would say that!!!!!hehehehe......hehehehe...


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## Arathin (Jul 25, 2002)

I don't know....maybe he would say that...ugh bad thoughts about that!!! Tooo good of an imagination!!!!!!!! ARGH!!!!


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## Legolas_lover12 (Jul 26, 2002)

hehehehehe!!!!!!!!!!


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## Arathin (Jul 26, 2002)

evil, evil people. I hatesss you! I hatessss you forever!!!!!!!!!!!! hrmm... or more we hatess you. hrmm...


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## elfprincess (Jul 26, 2002)

... interesting..............


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## Shadowfax (Jul 26, 2002)

Perhaps this has already been done:
Pippin: I'm going to give up all of my worldly possesions and dedicate my life to helping the unfortunate.


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## Legolas_lover12 (Jul 27, 2002)

hehehehe.................nope, not already been done!!!!! hehehe!!!!


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## FINGOLFIN (Jul 27, 2002)

Pudding anyone?


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## Shadowfax (Jul 27, 2002)

Heeheehee...

Which Frodo are you? 

What kind of pervy fancier are you? 

What role-playing stereotype R U? 

I came out as
The book Frodo

An orc fancier (eeeeeek!)

and the mischevious child


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## Legolas_lover12 (Jul 27, 2002)

i was the book frodo.

a human fancier (go me!!)

and a royal pain (hehehe)


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## Shadowfax (Jul 27, 2002)

One of my friends got the Bakshi Frodo. Heehee, she was horrified!


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## My_Precious (Jul 27, 2002)

Well, I'm a Elijah Wood Frodo.
Elf Fancier.

Where did you find these???


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## elfprincess (Jul 27, 2002)

ooo, ok, I was...

the 1978 Ralph Bakshi animated Frodo,
an Elf-Fancier, and...
a royal pain.... how'd I know I'd get something like that?


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## Shadowfax (Jul 27, 2002)

I got these after many looooonnnnng hours spent hunched over the keyboard last night. My spine may never recover. (The things I do for you people...)
Oh, and go check out the "Caption Contest" thread, I just posted a new picture. It is hilarious, go look at it and tell me what you think.


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## Arathin (Jul 27, 2002)

I got the book Frodo

Elf (then took it again and got) Human fancier

and I am.....







THE ANTIHERO!!!!!! YES!


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## Tao (Jul 28, 2002)

Let's get back on topic, shall we?

Sorry everyone, I haven't been here in, like, forever. So many people I've never met before. 


Hi again.


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## I.am.Smeagol (Jul 28, 2002)

Tao, you party pooper, what if we dont wanna be on topic? 

I am 
Book Frodo
Elf Fancier
Anti Hero, I took it again and got Pleasure Slave
 Go figure.

Eheh, I took some of the other quizes on that site;

Mage quiz-Spirit Mage, 
High School Steriotype- I got outsider, then geek, then goth
Villian- Double Agent

Hehe


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## Arathin (Jul 29, 2002)

Can we tell that I.am.Smeagol is one odd cookie? I already knew this, just making sure all of you do.


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## elfprincess (Aug 1, 2002)

I took that mage test and... I'm a fire mage! yesss!! *victory dance*

just had to say that...


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## Muffinly (Aug 2, 2002)

Treebeard - "make haste!"

Galadriel - I like muffins.

Sam - "Are we there yet, i can't wait."




Silly stuff


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## Arathin (Aug 2, 2002)

hehe. I was gonna say something, but i forgot what it was. so whatever.


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## Flame of Anor (Aug 2, 2002)

Sauron- "Dude, where's my car."

Frodo- "Me-sa thinksa we-sa going home!!"


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## Shadowfax (Aug 2, 2002)

THOU SHALT NOT MENTION JAR-JAR HERE!!!!! (well, if you really want to...)


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## Arathin (Aug 2, 2002)

Those were great Flame of Anor. Most amusing.


Legolas, dressed all in black goth: Yeah, whaeva. I don't care bout a buncha halflins. Let em all go ter Mordor, if ey really wanna.



The Balrog, in a little Barbie-like femenine voice: Gandalf, darling. Do you think this outfit makes my butt look big? And these flames! They are doing nothing for my complexion. Honestly, why can't I just have a normal blond hair, but no. I need to have flaming blond locks. Honestly, if I could just once have a nice manacure. I need one soooo badly. I mean look at my nails. I mean look at them. I can't even paint them anymore. They are soo chipped and ohmygod! Don't even get me started on my toenails. I need a petacure in the worst way. 

Gandalf, sounding frantic: Enough! *hits and brakes bridge. Balrog fall and brakes a nail on the way down*

Balrog: I broke a nail!!! Ohmygod! I broke a nail! That is it you're coming to hell with me buster. So you can fix my d**n nail! *pulls Gandalf into the abyse*

Aragorn: No, Gandalf! *Legolas looks at Aragorn* I knew you loved him! *Aragorn glares at Legolas* No, I don't. That fool just owes me a ton of money. Leave it to him to get killed before paying me back, d**n old wizard.


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## Flame of Anor (Aug 3, 2002)

> _Originally posted by Shadowfax _
> *THOU SHALT NOT MENTION JAR-JAR HERE!!!!! (well, if you really want to...) *



Sorry Shadowfax I will try to remember next time I have the urge to mention anything Star Wars.

-Flame


----------



## Shadowfax (Aug 3, 2002)

No, no. It's not Star Wars. (Though I am more of a Trekker) It's Jar-Jar. *shudder*


----------



## Arathin (Aug 3, 2002)

What about something other than Jar-Jar about Star Wars?


----------



## Shadowfax (Aug 3, 2002)

oh, for Valar's sake I was joking!

Sauron (to Frodo): Give in to the dark side...

Frodo: Noooooo!


----------



## Gandalf_White (Aug 4, 2002)

Talking about Star Wars makes me have a good idea.

Saruman: "You must join me, Gandalf, and together we will destory the Dark Lord!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aragorn: "Hey, Legolas, how do you like my haircut?"


----------



## Muffinly (Aug 4, 2002)

Barliman Butterbur- Would you like lembas with that?


----------



## Arathin (Aug 4, 2002)

Aragorn standing working as a cashier at Price Chopper.

(sorry big headache, and I had work today, guess what i do. the thought of Aragorn in one of them nasty blue aprons was very amusing though.)


----------



## Shadowfax (Aug 5, 2002)

I actually had a dream about LotR characters in my workplace (Burger King) Imagine them all in those silly hats. Gandalf was the manager. It was craziness.


----------



## Arathin (Aug 5, 2002)

Well that is very, very amusing. I can't picture that at all.... Oh wait.... yes i can... *giggle uncontrollably*


----------



## Ariana Undomiel (Aug 5, 2002)

This is the first time that I have done this so forgive me if I copy someone or say something totally stupid.

Frodo - "I will take the ring."
Gandalf - "It is your destiny."

Pippin - Food? Naw! I am on a diet.

Legolas - "Hmmm ... Perhaps an ax would be more effective for killing orcs. What am I saying?!?"


----------



## Ariana Undomiel (Aug 5, 2002)

Frodo - "No, I will never succumb to the Dark Side."


----------



## Arathin (Aug 5, 2002)

Frodo in front of Sauron: You can't have it.
Sauron: Give it to me!
Frodo: Oh ok, but I didn't think you were a Pervy Hobbit Fancier too!


----------



## Arwen Halfelven (Aug 6, 2002)

*New scene in TTT*

Upon seeing Gandalf the White in the forest, Aragorn says, "Glad to see that you've recovered from that nasty fall you took in Moria!"


----------



## Arathin (Aug 7, 2002)

lol. Hey guess what everyone!!!!! I bought FotR yesterday(the day it came out) and the dvd has tons of cool stuff on it. 

Aragorn, when Gandalf falls: Don't worry everyone. He comes back in book two and is way more powerful. 
Everyone: Darn, we wanted him to die once and for all!!!!!


----------



## Legolas_lover12 (Aug 8, 2002)

sauron: frodo, i am your father.


----------



## Arathin (Aug 8, 2002)

Frodo: nooooooooo!!!!!!!!! first off, you're too tall, second you want to kill me, third you aren't fat, fourth you have no body, fifth you're feet aren't hairy, sixth etc, etc, etc, etc, etc.


----------



## Legolas_lover12 (Aug 9, 2002)

Frodo: and sixth, u aren't as pretty as i am. i mean, common, just look at me


----------



## FINGOLFIN (Aug 9, 2002)

*Aragorn:*

I an the Lord of the Dance


----------



## Shadowfax (Aug 9, 2002)

ANY one doing disco...

Boromir (in a really high voice): Ah, ah, ah,ah, Stayin' Alive, stayin' alive!


----------



## Arathin (Aug 9, 2002)

Gandalf, pointy hat and all, doing the tango with.......








Gimli!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## theringbearer (Aug 10, 2002)

Gimli Dancing around singing:

"My Loneliness is Killing Me!"


----------



## Legolas_lover12 (Aug 10, 2002)

LOLLOL


----------



## FINGOLFIN (Aug 12, 2002)

*Ghan-Buri-Ghan*

I need new running shoes....


----------



## Arathin (Aug 12, 2002)

Gimli: I need new running shoes.

Legolas: I need some good Dwarven boots. These thin things are no good.


----------



## Morwen (Aug 12, 2002)

Aragorn: Dude! where's my car?
Boromir: DUDE!!! Where is MY car?
Frodo: DU-UDE! Where is my frickin ring of a car?
Pippin: DUDE! I thought we're supposed to have horses instead of cars...


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## Arathin (Aug 12, 2002)

Ah, dude. That is awesome!!!!!


----------



## Muffinly (Aug 12, 2002)

"Hello, my name is Pippin and I'm an alcoholic"



or better yet:
"Hello my name is Bilbo and I'm addicted to magical rings."


----------



## Ariana Undomiel (Aug 13, 2002)

Frodo - "I wonder how much I could get for this magic ring."


----------



## Arathin (Aug 13, 2002)

Tom: I really hate singing. Why am I always the one singing? What I really want to do is ACT!!!


----------



## Goldberry344 (Aug 15, 2002)

hrum. what if gimli shaved his beard?


----------



## Shadowfax (Aug 15, 2002)

Welcome back, Goldberry! Did you have a good time at camp?


----------



## I.am.Smeagol (Aug 15, 2002)

Goldberry! *Tackle Hug Snug* I shall call or email or pm you or somthing now!


----------



## Arathin (Aug 15, 2002)

*hugs Goldie* I missesssss you, my precioussssss


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## Goldberry344 (Aug 15, 2002)

camp was okay. people confuse me. and why is arathin parked in my head?


----------



## Gandalf_White (Aug 15, 2002)

Welcome back Goldberry!

Frodo(on the slope of Mt. Doom to Sauron): You want it? Go and get it! (Frodo throws the ring in)
Sauron: NOOOOOO! (Jumps into the fire)
Frodo: Wow that was a good and easy way to get rid of HIM. (Pulls the REAL Ring from his pocket) Maybe I can apply to be the next Dark Lord.


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## Arathin (Aug 15, 2002)

That is great, GW.


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## Muffinly (Aug 16, 2002)

Sauron-
Please won't you be my neighbor?


----------



## Shadowfax (Aug 16, 2002)

*coffee-splutter-monitor* OH! horrible mental image of Mr. Rogers sitting on the throne in Barad-dur...torturing Gollum...eek! Commanding the Nazgul.

"Now, kids, let's go meet our neighbor Mr. Witchking!"


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## I.am.Smeagol (Aug 16, 2002)

Smeagol (in reference to Shadowfax's amusing tidbit):


*Twitch* *Spasm* *Twitch*
Alllrighttss!!! We shall tell where we's been stolennnn!!! Just no more nassssttyyyy PBS rerunsssssss!!!!! Aaaaaaaa!
*Spasm* *Twitch* *Spasm*


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## FINGOLFIN (Aug 16, 2002)

*Gimli would never say....*

Would you like fries with that?


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## Goldberry344 (Aug 16, 2002)

Gandalf finds some new, rather "catchy" underwear to show to sharkey...

Saruman- That not yours? You steal from me! I kill you!

Gandalf runs away...

Saruman- IT WAS JOKE! IT WAS JOKE!! HAHAHA.... JOKE!


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## Arathin (Aug 16, 2002)

*sputters and giggles about Gandalf and Sharky "together"*


----------



## ElvishArcher (Aug 17, 2002)

Frodo/sam at the great river...

Frodo: "Sam you cant swim!"
Sam: "The hell i cant!" *swims out and drown*


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## Arathin (Aug 17, 2002)

The Dairy of the Bar Wenches of the Argonath
By Arathin, Goldie, and Smeagol (the three wenches)


Starring: The Fellowship of the Ring, including Frodo, the Ring, Sam, Merry, Pippin, Gimli, Boromir, Legolas, and of course Aragorn.
Unfortunately, Gandalf had already fallen into shadow and “died.” (Of course, as we all know, he just fell into a big thing of bleach.)

Also starring: The three Bar Wenches of the Argonath. Actually, they are just three serving wenches at the famous bar at the Argonath, The Argonath Inn. 

Also also starring: The All-powerful Ardvark Narrator, whom shall from now on shall be AN. As I don’t feel like typing Ardvark Narrator out again. 

It also includes a few random people staying at the Inn, drinking, eating, and wenching with wenches, but not with the three particular wenches this is about. And there is an Innkeeper, but he doesn’t play that big of a role. 

Ok, now on with the Show…….. Show? What show? You know that Show. Ohhhhh, that show… ok.

AN: The three wenches were doing the wonderful things that wenches do, such as wenching and possibly a few other things. We’re not that sure we want to know. Suddenly, Smeagol starts choking on chocolate ice cream. What the ice cream was doing there, in Arda (Middle Earth), we really don’t know, nor do we care to think how Smeagol managed to choke on ice cream. Needless to say, if anyone could choke on chocolate ice cream it is Smeagol.

Smeagol: Hey, I am always the one choking people. Why can’t I choke once in a while? 

Arathin: Giggle.

Goldie: Neher!

AN: Anyway, back the story. It was a dark night, as a violent storm was brewing outside the Inn. The only real light came from the huge fire in the middle of the room. No, it was in a fire pit, idiot. Suddenly, the door of the Inn burst open. In walked …….. a few random people who had come to stay at the Inn, drink, eat, and wench. What a second!!! Could it be??? Nope. At this point, Smeagol was turning a vibrate shade of bottle green. This made her look very much like the famous small fetid green Stoor, who is not appearing in this story, or is he??? Arathin and Goldie were frantically running around, acting like they actually cared that Smeagol was slowly choking to death on chocolate ice cream.

Smeagol: ~choking noises, such as cough, sputter, gag~

Goldie: Wait! Shouldn’t it have melted in her throat already?

Arathin: Shuddup! She don’t know that!!!

Smeagol: I think it melte--------- 

AN: As you can see, something interrupted our dear Smeagol. A gorgeous, blonde Legolas Elf walked into the bar, closely followed by several small, furry footed Sam, Merry, Pippin, and …… 

Goldie: FRODO!!!!!!!

AN: Indeed, Hobbits. Also with them was a chunky braided-beard Gimli Dwarf, and finally two sweaty, smelly, but still completely sex-a-licious Aragorn and Boromir Mortal Men. Naturally, the small, round, golden, tempting, unfortunately chained One Ring of Sauron hung about Frodo’s ---

Goldie: Sexy and hicky-a-licous neck. 

AN: Yeah….. Right……. Well upon seeing the gorgeous, blonde Legolas, Smeagol proceeded to again begin to choke only this time with more gusto. Legolas bounded across the common room, leaping over tables, chair, your mom, and random other people to save the poor, defenseless, blonde wench. He noticed Smeagol had a beautifully clear complectiong, besides the slight, remaining green tint and asked her, as she could now breath, how she could keep such a complection. 

Smeagol: I use Elven Spot Be Gone. 

AN: As she was an Elven Wench… Legolas seemed to find this extremely entertaining and soon had the blonde, Elven wench in a dark, dark, dark middle of the room upon the center table. She was glomping him in a most vulgar fashion. In the midst of this flurry of entertaining action, Legolas toupee fell off.

Smeagol: Oh my Eru! I love your mullet!!! 

AN: Legolas grinned. “Tis yours. But I love yours more.” He winked. 

Smeagol: I didn’t know I had a mullet!

AN: Legolas, “She is more blonder than I is.” Ok, I really don’t wanna know. She then proceeded to continue to glomp her blonde-mullet-locked Elf with even more gusto. Meanwhile and on to the more important characters, 

Smeagol: ~glancing up from her mullet man~ Harsh, I heard that!

An: Like we care! And yes that was harsh too. Well, now lets see. Hrum. Goldie. What’s happened to her and….

Goldie: FRODO!

AN: do we really want to know? Ah, well, we’ll start from the beginning. So back at the fellowship’s entering. Goldie was immediately aware of Frodo’s small, but sexy presence. She ran right up to him, got on her knees (so she was about an inch or two shorter than him) and glomped him viciously. Frodo was quite stunned, as he was not used to being randomly glomped by gorgeous brunette wenches. But he soon became very used to the idea. A little too used to the idea. However, it soon became apparent that there was a slight height issue in the relationship. But things can always be fixed.
Boromir had never been a favorite in the fellowship, so Frodo felt that he need not consult the others when taking drastic measures to increase his height. Through a complex self-operation, he used Boromir’s body and made himself taller. From then on, the fellowship carried Boromir’s body around in a small lapis box. When occasion arrived that Boromir may had died, Leggy shot his body with a few orc arrows, and sent him over the falls. A hero’s death. (that’s what they thought)
So Frodo was tall and sexy. And Goldie proceeded to glomp him. Suddenly his toupee fell off.

Goldie: Oh my Eru! You DON’T have a mullet!

Frodo: I know. Duh.

Goldie: I like it like that…..

AN: Need I say more? (Audience: NOOOOOOO!) Right. Now for our final bar wench. Her story is by far the most tragic. Upon seeing Aragorn, Arathin rushed up to him and promptly glomped him……..and missed. Poor Gimli wasn’t used to such behavior, neither was Arathin.

Gimi + Arathin: OHMYGOD!

Arathin: I didn’t expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition!

Aragorn (suddenly wearing a bright red cape and carrying a rapier): NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION! Our chief weapon is fear and surprise…our two weapons are fear and surprise and a ruthless…..our three weapons are fear and surprise and a ruthless efficiency and an almost fanatical devotion to the pope….is there a pope in middle earth?…..AHA! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as fear and surprise and a ruthless efficiency and an almost fanatical devotion to the pope and a Tuesday night out on the town….ah!

Everyone: SHUT UP!

Arathin *blink*: Oh well. 

AN: she proceeds to glomp Aragorn anyway. ::sigh:: true love.

And that’s the end of the story of the bar wenches of the Argonath.


----------



## Goldberry344 (Aug 19, 2002)

oh my. i cant believe i helped write that. jess....where's your cool closing paragraph??


----------



## FINGOLFIN (Aug 19, 2002)

*Saruman singing...*

Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce
Special orders dont upset us
All we ask is that you let us serve it your way.....

Of course you have to pull right up to the window in Orthanc to hear him...the intercom is broken.


----------



## Shadowfax (Aug 19, 2002)

BAD MEMORIES!!! AUGH! of being held against my will behind the stupid broiler where we cooked manflesh for a more frightening menace than the U-h...disgruntled customers...noooooo...*twitch*


----------



## I.am.Smeagol (Aug 19, 2002)

Continuation of The Dairy of the Bar Wenches of the Argonath

AN: Now you must be asking, if the fellowship was so content with our little group of wenches, why did they leave the Argonath Inn, then? Well the answer is simple… The fellowship (or what remained of it after the little incident with Boromir and Gandalf’s bleach pool party) was quite content. Gimli had gotten over his brief but enthusiastic glomping, Sam, Merry and Pippin were unfortunately having a hobbit glomping threesome, scary it twas. 

Wench Smeagol and her dear blond elf were still glomping on the center table, Arathin and Aragorn were glomping overly contently in-between discussions of the Spanish Inquisition which usually ended with Arathin glomping him to shut him up. Goldie was still glomping her new and improved Frodo with added height. 

Suddenly the door to the inn barged open and in crawled in a rather fetid green stoor; yes the real Smeagol not the wench who shared his namesake.

Wench Smeagol (which we now must call her to avoid confusion): DADDY!?

Legolas: *Blinks* Waiiiitttttttt a second.. I Though you were an _elf_…?

Wench Smeagol: Well, you see, Im actually the love child of Smeagol and Elrond,, sooo wellllll, technically…..

Legolas: Good enough. *Glomp*

AN: Anywho…. At least there is no incest involved… 

Arathin: What the heck is Real!Smeagol doing here?

Smeagol: Uhmmmm, I dunno…? Oh yeah, now I remember. I was sent to remind the fellowship to hurry up already. The Witch King is getting impatient and threatened more flipper re-runs on me if I didn’t, so uhm yeah.. Plus I need my Preeeccccioooouuusssss back. Please? *Glares at Frodo*

Aragorn: I suppose we must go, but we are taking our wenches with us!

Legolas: *Pokes Aragorn* Uhm, what about Arwen? 

Aragorn: Arwen who?

Legolas: You know the elf princess who promised you her immo-

Arathin: SHUT UP Legolassss! *Glare* We need not remind them….

Legolas: Shutting up. 

AN: The fellowship proceeded on their way, along with their bar wenches and the green fetid one swimming behind them, still pretending that they did not know he was following him.

Smeagol: Preccciouuussssss.

AN: The End. Or is it? Wait it is. Maybe?

Hopfully? 

Possibly?

Never…?

Wench Smeagol: *Strangles AN*

AN: …



Glossary

Glomp- To Hug with Enthusiasm


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## Goldberry344 (Aug 19, 2002)

YAY SMEAGSSSSSS your my hero. except you made them leave......


----------



## Arathin (Aug 19, 2002)

They took us, ermmm... I mean the wenchs with them, Goldie.


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## Muffinly (Aug 19, 2002)

this is horrible.
Anyway,



























Saruman- Bring the spam to me, unspoiled.


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## FINGOLFIN (Aug 20, 2002)

*Legolas......*

I can't seem to get my contacts in...!!!


----------



## Legolas_lover12 (Aug 20, 2002)

*or ...................*

Legolas: Now where did i put my glasses? .......I always seem to be losing them ..........

LOL


----------



## Muffinly (Aug 20, 2002)

Borimir- The glasses? they're on your forehead.


----------



## Hawk (Aug 20, 2002)

Legolas: *looks at his bow* I don't know how to use this thing!


----------



## FINGOLFIN (Aug 21, 2002)

*Theres....*

Someone on the hillside with Frodo
Someone on the hillside I know...ohohoh
Some on the hillside with Frodo
Trying to take the ring and go

Oh Boromir won't you blow 
Boromir wont you blow
Boromir wont you blow you hor...or..orn

Oh Boromir won't you blow 
Boromir wont you blow
Boromir wont you blow you horn


----------



## Goldberry344 (Aug 22, 2002)

that is awesome!!!!


----------



## I.am.Smeagol (Aug 22, 2002)

That is! *Sings along* Quite amusing I say.


----------



## FINGOLFIN (Aug 23, 2002)

*Thanks....*

I thought it was pretty funny too when I thought of it.


----------



## Legolas_lover12 (Aug 23, 2002)

LOLu always say the funniest things


----------



## FINGOLFIN (Aug 23, 2002)

*Thanks LL....*

I was raised in a clown school where the teachers used to beat me with whoopee cushion. When I was bad they made me stay after school and clean all the rubber noses while sitting in a abnormally small car.


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## Arathin (Aug 23, 2002)

rolfmao! 

Well I think that the whole * Boromir's Horn of Gondor* is the funniest thing in the world.


----------



## Goldberry344 (Aug 23, 2002)

no way.....me too........except not.......


----------



## FINGOLFIN (Aug 23, 2002)

*Re: Arathin...*

I'm sorry, I am still kinda new to the jargon used in chat.....what is "rolfmao"?


----------



## Arathin (Aug 23, 2002)

Goldie, your my best friend and I still don't get what you're saying half the time.

roflmao? 
r-rolling
o-on (the)
f-floor
l-laughing
m-my
[email protected]$$
o-off


----------



## FINGOLFIN (Aug 23, 2002)

*Re:Arathin*

Thanks....I thought it was something like that, just wanted to know exactly....


----------



## Arathin (Aug 23, 2002)

No Problemoos. *giggles* I is having a groovy and crazy night.


----------



## Legolas_lover12 (Aug 24, 2002)

i was wondering about that too.
and the *boromir's horno f gondor* is V. funny!!!! LOLOLOL.


----------



## Goldberry344 (Aug 25, 2002)

oh, shuddup, arathin. you are so weird. unlike me.


----------



## Arathin (Aug 25, 2002)

Oh yeah, you're soo normal, Goldie. Just the most normal person in the world.


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## Goldberry344 (Aug 25, 2002)

ya i am. you dont even know.


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## Anamatar IV (Aug 25, 2002)

Gimli-...i would like but a hair from your head

Galadriel-Well tough luck. ive just been toying with you. Go away and never think of me again.

Gimli-Why you peice of dragon crap! *swings axe and starts chopping up galadriel*


----------



## Goldberry344 (Aug 26, 2002)

violent are we? hilarious all the same.


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## Arathin (Aug 26, 2002)

This forum attracts many violent people.


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## I.am.Smeagol (Aug 26, 2002)

Violent? Nah. I mean, I enjoy killing the occasional juggler, stabbing people, or occasionally being run through the ribs, but Im never violent....


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## Arathin (Aug 26, 2002)

Oh and bitting my fingers off to get my rings isn't violent?


----------



## I.am.Smeagol (Aug 27, 2002)

Of course not.


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## FINGOLFIN (Aug 27, 2002)

*Yea...*

Just a matter of practical necessity (sp?).


----------



## Arathin (Aug 27, 2002)

Oh yeah, biting off my fingers for my rings is totally a necessity of life.


----------



## I.am.Smeagol (Aug 27, 2002)

Yes, it is. You see, as a vegetarian, I limit my self to not eating animals,, but that ne'er stopped me from bitting the fingers from humans and halflings!


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## Arathin (Aug 27, 2002)

oh yeah i am sure. well you haven't my fingers yet!!!









~Arathin the TWENTY fingered!!!


----------



## Gandalf_White (Aug 28, 2002)

Frodo: Sam, you can't swim!

Sam: Oh, yeah, that's right. Well good luck in Mordor, Mr. Frodo.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Legolas: Hey, Gimli, can I try your axe.

Gimli: Sure but only if I get to try your bow.


----------



## FINGOLFIN (Aug 28, 2002)

*Gandalf....*

Do you have a match?


----------



## Arathin (Aug 28, 2002)

Frodo: I want to grow a bread. A nice thick one like your Gimli. How *do* you do it?


----------



## Goldberry344 (Aug 29, 2002)

arathin, you mean a bierd, not a bread....lol!


----------



## FINGOLFIN (Aug 29, 2002)

*Goldberry...*

You mean a beard...not a bierd. Even more LOL!


----------



## I.am.Smeagol (Aug 29, 2002)

*Face palms*

I can’t believe I hang around with these dolts. You both do mean beard, right? 

Sillies. =P


----------



## I.am.Smeagol (Aug 29, 2002)

Hrm, me'n FINGOLFIN posted at the same time, both 15:57... Why is his first...? The wonders of vbulletin..


----------



## Goldberry344 (Aug 29, 2002)

because he's cooler than you. so there. 

and shuddup. we all know i have problems....acctually i meant beird....


----------



## FINGOLFIN (Aug 29, 2002)

*Goldberry....*

I like you...


----------



## Legolas_lover12 (Aug 29, 2002)

and i like both of u!!!!!


----------



## steel_rose (Aug 29, 2002)

frodo to ringwraths: Ring? you mean he wants this thing? sure he can have it. just dont tell gandalf.

Arwen : Aragorn, what a dolt. I mean he could be a king in a nice place. But NOOO, he has to wonder middle earth full of sorrow and bent on ridding the world of evil! WHATEVER!!

hehe (having way to much fun)


Sam: Now listen mr. Frodo, i am just sick of following you around like a lost puppy. No, here is where i put my foot down. There is nooo way you can make go to mordor *shudders*


----------



## Goldberry344 (Aug 29, 2002)

everyone likes me.  (even if i cnat speeel.)


----------



## FINGOLFIN (Aug 29, 2002)

*Re: LL*

You are one of my favorites too.

Everyone should visit her site!


----------



## Arathin (Aug 30, 2002)

Yes, everyone should definately visit Goldie's site. It is amusing. 

Did you read my guestbook entre, Goldie?


----------



## I.am.Smeagol (Aug 30, 2002)

Both LL and Goldie have mad cool sites. Huzzah! (LL, the photo album is great! But we need some of Elrond!!!!!!!!!! *Swoon* )

But we all know mine, is the most mad coolest.    [insert selfish plug here]iamsmeagol.net [/end selfish plug]



Anywho, many of you have prolly seen this before, but I came across it one day randomly surfing and thought of this thread.. Its a mad cool site that has mad cool Legolas paper dolls you can dress up like superman, wearing a kilt, and give him heart boxers!!!

http://www.dazzled.com/theobfiles/paperdoll.html

Now thats something you wouldnt see in the books....


----------



## FINGOLFIN (Aug 30, 2002)

*Re: IamSmeagol*

I beg to differ.....my site is the best of its kind on the planet...Thag you berry mugh!


----------



## Goldberry344 (Aug 30, 2002)

my site isnt done yet.....

ah, no matter how cool the #1999 is, this is my 2000 post. i wasnt gonna post it, but now i have to. and ya, i read your entry, jen.  Smeagol got the what number comes after 2 question wrong. we got it right.


----------



## Legolas_lover12 (Aug 31, 2002)

goldberry - wat du yow meen yuu cnat speel??? ie theenk uu cann speel jost fiiin. 

FINGOLFIN - thanx!!! i'm glad u like mah site!!!

I.am.smeagol - those were funny!!! LOLOLOL!!!


----------



## Goldberry344 (Aug 31, 2002)

you reely meen tat, Legulass lugger? tamk you berry muck, eye alwes thot tat my speeling waas berry baad.


----------



## Legolas_lover12 (Aug 31, 2002)

noe, yowr speeleng esnet thett baad. et isss ebowt ess guud ess miene


----------



## My_Precious (Aug 31, 2002)

Yeah, I need to finish my two sites ASAP. Golberry, I signed your guestbook, don't fall off the chair.


----------



## Goldberry344 (Aug 31, 2002)

aya, me prekious! tank u berry muck. eye shell reed et esep.

new, leggguls lubber, eyed habe two sei dat mey spewing es propalpalpably weerser dan urs.


----------



## Arathin (Aug 31, 2002)

*hides from the spelling* No! No! Not the spelling!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *cowers in the arms of some tall dark Vampire that randomly appears*


----------



## Goldberry344 (Aug 31, 2002)

*tall dark vampire suddenly starts to suck arathins blood and she dies. how sad*


----------



## Arathin (Aug 31, 2002)

ha ha ha. very funny you ardvark. you just wish that would happen because you're jealous of me and my truck.




and my vampires.


----------



## Goldberry344 (Aug 31, 2002)

well, you are obviously jealous of my word, cause you keep using it.


----------



## Anamatar IV (Aug 31, 2002)

> _Originally posted by Legolas_lover12 _
> *noe, yowr speeleng esnet thett baad. et isss ebowt ess guud ess miene *



maey ie assck whie yoouu gys ar maeking fuon uv mie?


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## Arathin (Aug 31, 2002)

you're so delusional.


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## Goldberry344 (Aug 31, 2002)

oh, shut your festering gob you *bad word* your type really makes me puke, you stuffy nosed, malloderous ardvark


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## Legolas_lover12 (Sep 1, 2002)

Wow, i sure have missed a lot!!!!

Anamatar IV - whutt meeks ooo thunk wii eere meekang fuun uuve yowe?!?!?!

Goldberry334 - yiiis, eye theenk uuu ayre wrytee. yuuu dou speel biitrr theen miie.

Arathin - you can keep your vampire. and u need to think up your own new word. like mine is now ZEBRA.


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## Arathin (Sep 1, 2002)

*blinks at everyone* I need a word? Fine. um........ TREE! my word is tree. *growls at anyone who thinks of stealing her word*


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## Goldberry344 (Sep 1, 2002)

Arathin, that is a bad word. the word tree may come up in random conversation such as "look at that tree" you might want to choose a word a bit more exotic such as "Sasquatch" or something. and dont use that one cause that would just go to show how uncreative you truly are.


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## Legolas_lover12 (Sep 1, 2002)

or u could use ...umm ...let's see weird word ...pottbellied pig!!!! that is kool


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## Anamatar IV (Sep 1, 2002)

POTBELLIED PIG! I just saw that episode of south park last night!


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## Goldberry344 (Sep 1, 2002)

she has to think up her own word, though, otherwise it doesnt count!


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## Legolas_lover12 (Sep 1, 2002)

Goldberry - ok. sorry. just trying to help her ...

Anamatar IV - sorry. i don't watch southpark ...


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## Goldberry344 (Sep 1, 2002)

its all good, legolaslover


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## Anamatar IV (Sep 1, 2002)

they tried to breed a pig with an elephant for a project. in the mean time stands gramps wanted stan to kill him. So funny. So so funny.


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## Goldberry344 (Sep 1, 2002)

yes....sounds hilarious......


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## Legolas_lover12 (Sep 1, 2002)

... yes ...a real riot


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## I.am.Smeagol (Sep 2, 2002)

Well, I have a list of word! To booyeah!

Bloody, Indeed, you'd best, mad cool, boo yeah, bah, niegheaar (kinda a rolling g type sound, it sounds like somthing Smeagol would say)

  

Bloody he** I forgot the mention that I couldnt goto my horse show today. Bloody rain. Bloody 50 degree weather. Bloody lack of stall at the show grounds. No silly looking pics of me in a cowboy hat for the forum photo album now. Bah.


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## Goldberry344 (Sep 2, 2002)

Does that mean we could ride bobo tomraroo.....


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## I.am.Smeagol (Sep 2, 2002)

Muh Lesson is tues, and as I have an inportant dressage show comming up (im eligable for end of the year high point!), my instructor would be mildly irked to say the least if I canceled it.... But after my next show, (the 8th), ya can ride mon, wed, thurs, or sun. ^_^ 


Shadowfax:

Thats it Gandy, do you have any idea how much you weigh? I cant take this any more. And then you go and throw another hobbit on with ya. I quit. Buh Bye.. 

Or as we would hear it.

Neigh, whinny, snort. *Buck.*


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## Legolas_lover12 (Sep 2, 2002)

LOLOLOLOL

neigh, whinny, snort. *Buck*


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## FINGOLFIN (Sep 2, 2002)

*Wow....*

Left town for two days and suddenly I can't understand a thing you guys are saying...Holy Crap!


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## Goldberry344 (Sep 2, 2002)

NEHER, silly fingolfin person!


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## Legolas_lover12 (Sep 2, 2002)

*LL12 magically turns FINGOLFIN into a horse so he can understand them all better*

"neigh, snort, whinny, neigh, neigh, snort"


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## Goldberry344 (Sep 2, 2002)

*whinny neigh snort snort KICK BITE*


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## Legolas_lover12 (Sep 2, 2002)

"snort, snort, whinny" 

*rears and charges*


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## Arathin (Sep 2, 2002)

neigh, whinny, neigh, snort, whinny, snort rear


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## Goldberry344 (Sep 2, 2002)

*LOOK! i'm ELMO!*

Neigh whinny snort spook nowayamigonnajumpthat...


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## Arathin (Sep 2, 2002)

That is my Elmo horsy!!!!!!!! Good Goldie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Or more


neigh whinny whinny!!!!!! whinny neigh neigh whinny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Goldberry344 (Sep 2, 2002)

yes, elmo is your horsie, and he was somewhat of a twerp. like you....


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## Arathin (Sep 2, 2002)

Yes he is mine, and we are not twerps!


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## I.am.Smeagol (Sep 3, 2002)

Bobo: Neigh winny, snort, Bradddd Pitttttt, snort, whinny.


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## FINGOLFIN (Sep 3, 2002)

*Now I understand...*

Wheeze.....cough....snort.....neigh!


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## Shadowfax (Sep 3, 2002)

> _Originally posted by Goldberry344 _
> **whinny neigh snort snort KICK BITE* *



add a rear and a buck in there, and you would have done a perfect imitation of my ex-horse. *sniff* had to sell her...my mother was getting tired of the medical bills...*sniff* need to ride...mmmm...MUST RIDE...(sorry folks, I'm going through withdrawl...)


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## Goldberry344 (Sep 3, 2002)

hrum. i.am.smeagol's horse has a crush on bradd pit. silly mr. bojangels.


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## Arathin (Sep 3, 2002)

I know what ya mean, ShadowFax. I had to sell my Elmo. Poor thing... I miss him!!!!!!!!!


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## Legolas_lover12 (Sep 3, 2002)

I WANNA HORSIE... oh wait ...i am one!!!!


*neigh whinny snort snort neight cough stomp*

(maybe we should get a thearepist around here)


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## Goldberry344 (Sep 3, 2002)

*wants a horsie too* *sigh*


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## steel_rose (Sep 3, 2002)

ok what did i miss?? horsie? i want a horse!


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## I.am.Smeagol (Sep 4, 2002)

Gandalf:

Pony rides!!!! Come get your pony rides!! Hey kids, do you want to ride this mighty steed of Rohan? You do? It's only 5 copper pennies! Pony rides! Get your pony rides!


Shadowfax:

*Glare*


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## Arathin (Sep 4, 2002)

Oh is ShadowFax "Snape Scowling", smeags? Does it look like your "Snape Scowl"? lol

the above in horse....

snicker neigh whinny snicker neigh neigh whinny


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## I.am.Smeagol (Sep 4, 2002)

Yes it is the horse equivalent of my Snape Scowl TM, only if you laugh at Shadowfax he'll trample you, unlike me, who'll just Snape Scowl TM again.


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## Anamatar IV (Sep 4, 2002)

i would really consider this sight getting a therapist. There are some people, or should i say horses, here that really and i mean really really really need help Back on topic...i want a horse!


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## Arathin (Sep 4, 2002)

*gasps and cries in horror* I need help!?!? *huddles in a corner with her horse Elmo and sobs* He is mine, I tell you. Mine! Mine! Mine, I tell you! I swear he IS mine! Mine! Back off!!!


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## Anamatar IV (Sep 4, 2002)

calm yourself arathin. We'll get you to a real nice guy with some real comfy couches.


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## Arathin (Sep 4, 2002)

Like a young, cute guy with big, comfy couches??? *her mind is in the gutter as you can tell......*


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## Anamatar IV (Sep 4, 2002)

no...like an old guy with glasses, a goatee, a ph.d, you know...the people that help people like you." anamatar is very scared of the arathin person.


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## Arathin (Sep 4, 2002)

*sticks out her tongue at Anamatar and whines* I wanna guy just outta collage!!!! *glares evilly at Anamatar*


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## Anamatar IV (Sep 4, 2002)

30 years IS just out of college. *quickly grabs hold of arathins tongue and pulls on it really hard. He then scurried away avoiding the wrath of the derranged mental patient


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## Arathin (Sep 4, 2002)

*jumps over a table and lands on Anamatar's back* No one pulls my tongue and gets away with it!!! *starts playing the drums on Anamatar's head with rolls of wax. Suddenly Bother by Stone Sour starts playing. Arathing happily starts singing to it as she plays the drums on Anamatar's head.*


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## Anamatar IV (Sep 4, 2002)

anamatar takes one of the wax things and hit arathin(g) on the head with it. "Notice the hollow sound?"


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## Legolas_lover12 (Sep 4, 2002)

"why yes anamatar. i do hear the hollow sound..."

or


"neigh neigh neigh whinny snort snort stomp cough neigh *wink*"


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## Anamatar IV (Sep 5, 2002)

anamatar threw arathing against the wall.

just so these antics wont get the thread closed:
Sam: Would you let me carry it for you (on mt doom)

Frodo: Hells yes! Take the thing. your loss not mind.


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## Goldberry344 (Sep 5, 2002)

of course arathin's head is hollow *knew that already*


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## Anamatar IV (Sep 5, 2002)

okay-now thats just mean.


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## Arathin (Sep 5, 2002)

Not really. She has known me over six years now irl. Sad isn't it? I am just anti-social and violent tonight. I might go kill something small and furry or maybe just dl some music. prolly the later. well if you see me in the news and not at school, Goldie and Smeags, you know what happened... I finally killed the hobbit Pippin(my brother) Anyway, I have had a very irking day so please, for your own safty, stay back! This is your only warning... Head my words, or else you're next payment will be in blood.  J/k, but please do leave me alone. Feeling very anti-social...


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## FINGOLFIN (Sep 6, 2002)

*If it weren't for the....*

small beanies on all your heads...i would swear you were all quite mad.....the horror,....the horror....


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## Arathin (Sep 6, 2002)

beanies...?

btw, I am quite mad. I believe the term is "Cronically Insane". I was falsely convicted of this though. They only say I am cronically insane because no one believes me about the little Elves that dance around in my head and tell me what to do.... oh! wait! You aren't suppose to know about them!!!! *sits innocently twiddling her thumbs in a corner*


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## FINGOLFIN (Sep 7, 2002)

*Re: Arathin*

Does the little elf ask for lembas?


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## Legolas_lover12 (Sep 7, 2002)

was this the thread that we were talking about ampires sucking on your neck...and some vampire named Lestat or something like that ...


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## Anamatar IV (Sep 7, 2002)

i havent bothered reading the previous pages but...how in erus name did it get from misplaced charecter quotes, to favorite words, to whacking eachother, and then to vampires?


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## I.am.Smeagol (Sep 7, 2002)

Lestat is my vampire, er, one of them. And yes, this was that thread. Anywho, I bet you guys didnt know Sauron had a vampire, yep, yep, okay, most likely you guys *did* know that, well I found out a couple of days ago, so yeah. *Feels Smart*


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## Anamatar IV (Sep 7, 2002)

okay...this thread used to be great once. now its just fun to watch.


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## Legolas_lover12 (Sep 7, 2002)

ok, cuz i was thinking about seeing queen of the damned (if my mom will let me) and i was reading the back of the case at the movie store and i saw the name Lestat and though of our ...um ...discussion anyway, i was wrong - i would like to have him sucking on my neck...


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## Anamatar IV (Sep 7, 2002)

i saw queen of the damned. Oh how stupid it was! Worse than 6 degrees of seperation (now whos seen that one  )


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## Legolas_lover12 (Sep 7, 2002)

LOL. why did u not like it?? i might see it tomorrow night ...


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## Anamatar IV (Sep 7, 2002)

theres something about an evil dammned witch who's always if the mods will exuse my terms...turning up the funk and killing everyone that makes me not like it.


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## Legolas_lover12 (Sep 7, 2002)

yah, that kinda bugs me too. but there has to be more to the movie than that ...it can't just be like two hours of her "turning up the funk"...


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## Anamatar IV (Sep 7, 2002)

its just stuff like out of world movies doesnt attract me. I havent seen either of the mummies or the scorpian king. I didnt see planet of the apes but i see stuff like spider man, star-wars (thats the one exception-a classic) stuff like that.


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## I.am.Smeagol (Sep 7, 2002)

ARGGG! The movie BITES! *No pun intented* Its horrible, irrelevant, tripe! (heh, my latest phrase). If you want vampires read the BOOK 'Queen of the Damned', but first read I'nterview with the Vampire' and 'the Vampire Lestat.' [/end rant]  Oh, but Stuart Townsend ('Statty in the movie QotD) can come nibble on my neck any time he likes... *Giggle*

Anywho, back on topic. 

Frodo: Mordor!
Sam: Mordor!
Smeagol: Its only a model. 
Frodo: Shh. Men, errr, hobbits, errr, fetid green one and hobbit; I bid you welcome to our new home! Let us march to Mordor!

*In Barad-dur*

Nazgul:
We're Wraiths out of fable.
We dance whene'er we're able.
We do routines and chorus scenes
With footwork impeccable.
We dine well here in Lugbúrz.
We eat lots of microwave din-errrz.

We're Wraiths out of fable.
Our shows are formidable,
But many times we're given rhymes
That are quite unsingable.
Our voice boxes have long been rot.
Yet we sing from the diaphragm a lot.

*Big eye wreathed in flame*
Blink Blink Blink Blink 

Nazgul:
[tap-dancing]
In war we're tough and able,
Quite indefatigable.
Between our quests we sequin vests and impersonate Clark Gable.
And yes, our boddies may be rot.

Orc:
I have to lug stuff around a-lottttt.....

Do do do do do do doooo do do do dooo-do!

Frodo: Well, on second thought, let's not go to Mordor. It is a silly place.
Sam & Smeagol: Right Right.


*Bows* Thank you, thank you.


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## Legolas_lover12 (Sep 7, 2002)

well i saw all those movies u just mentioned. and i think i'll see this one ...even if the only good thing in the whole movie is gonna be Lestat *drool* WoW


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## Goldberry344 (Sep 7, 2002)

ah, smeags, we started that....i cant believe you did the song, that kicks major arse!!!!!!!!!!! *wants to see the vampire movie cause she loved the book and she wants to see a sexy brad pitt and bobo*


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## Anamatar IV (Sep 7, 2002)

alright i cant post under these conditions. When people call bradd pitt sexy thats when i leave.


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## Arathin (Sep 8, 2002)

The Elves in my head do eat lembas. I make it almost daily. If you want to know how, it is on Smeag's website. [bestfriend'ssiteboost] It is Iamsmeagol.net [/endbestfriend'ssiteboost] lol 

btw, that was totally kick arse, smeag's. I can't believe you had the time to do the whole song!!!


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## Legolas_lover12 (Sep 8, 2002)

well tell me which books to read. in the correct order please. and include the authors name. because if i need my bookstore to see if they have them or can order them i need to know the authors name. anyway i think i'll still se the movie. even though most of u don't seem to like it ...


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## Anamatar IV (Sep 8, 2002)

on to a differnt movie-should i see triple x? Post on the thread i posted in stuff and bother.


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## Legolas_lover12 (Sep 8, 2002)

A) Bradd Pitt is hott!!!!

B) i don't know i haven't seen it.


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## Anamatar IV (Sep 8, 2002)

okay-i am stepping away frolm this thread and never coming back. now thats something a lotr charecter would never say.


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## Legolas_lover12 (Sep 8, 2002)

well, gimli might. LOL. and i'm sorry u feel that way. i'll see u at the guild of mithril knights and GOO.


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## Anamatar IV (Sep 8, 2002)

*mutters as he walks away* bradd pitt! SHEESH! these people have been abusing medical marijuana.


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## Goldberry344 (Sep 8, 2002)

ah, triple x....the only good thing about that movie was the awesome amount of things that got blown up....


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## Anamatar IV (Sep 8, 2002)

so i should see it? I love things that blow up. Ever fill a tennis ball with gasoline and light a fuse?


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## Goldberry344 (Sep 8, 2002)

its a great movie, go see it. but it lacks in plot and acting skill...


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## Beorn (Sep 8, 2002)

> Things LOTR Characters would never say



What?

Please stay somewhat close to the original point of the thread...AIM or MSN or Yahoo are all good for chatting.


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## Legolas_lover12 (Sep 8, 2002)

oh just let us talk Beorn. if u think this thread is stupid and not related to LOTR then just move it to stuff and bother.

and i'm still waiting for the names of those vampire books ...vampires r kool ...my mom thinks i'm crazy ...and i have no idea why ...


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## Goldberry344 (Sep 8, 2002)

*sigh* the books are called the Vampire Chronicals, the first one is called...er....Interview with a vampire (i think) the second is The Vampire Lestat.

hrum. *imagines frodo as a vampire*


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## Anamatar IV (Sep 9, 2002)

*comes back to thread* im gone for 1 day and already this thread is on the brink of closing or being moved. *shakes head* 

Gollum after he realises bilbo has his ring: FINALLY! Ive been waiting for some sap to take that ring. Now to finish my memoirs. AAAAAAAAAAAH!!! STOLEN!!!! PRECCCIOOOOUSSSS memoirs!


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## Arathin (Sep 9, 2002)

Gandalf- starts rhyming everything he says just like Fezzic from the Princess Bride.


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## steel_rose (Sep 9, 2002)

> _Originally posted by Beorn _
> *
> 
> What?
> ...




ok here is some sorry if they stink!


ringwrathsknocking on frodos door) um.. hey mr hobbit sir can we come in?

frodo: sure! i love company!

samthe only sane one) NOOO!! Mr.Frodo they is bad people!! 

frodo: oh sam CHILL!!

Like i said it stinks!


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## Legolas_lover12 (Sep 9, 2002)

so there are only two books?? only two?? ok kool. interview with the vampire and the vampire lestat. who is the author though??? i need to know.

Aragorn : Stop that rhyming i mean it!!!

Gandalf : Anybody want a peanut??

LOL


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## Arathin (Sep 9, 2002)

*giggles at L_L's thing* 

I don't know what the books are, but there are way more than two. the auther is Anne Rice, i think.... Ask I.am.Smeagol


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## Anamatar IV (Sep 9, 2002)

Pippin: Peanuts!?! Thats enough food for the day.


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## Legolas_lover12 (Sep 10, 2002)

well, she hasn't been here for awhile. i'll PM her i guess.... and just out of curiocity how many are there???

__________________________________________
Elrond - "INCONCIEVABLE!!!!"


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## Goldberry344 (Sep 10, 2002)

i.am.smeagol...well, i just told her u wanted to know about them, it all depends oh how lazy she is... 

very soon it will be time for another diary, but i am way to lazy to write one now. and i have way too much hmwk, but heads up.... *evil cackeling laugh heard*


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## Anamatar IV (Sep 12, 2002)

Aragorn: Aid me or thwart me! Choose swiftly!
Eomer: I choose to thwart you *raises sword*
aragorn: No NO NO NO NO NO i didnt mean that literally *drops andril and runs away screaming
Gimli: And THIS is the next king of gondor? *hears aragorn screaming in the background.


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## Legolas_lover12 (Sep 12, 2002)

LOLOL. that is a funny scene to play out on ur head


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## Anamatar IV (Sep 12, 2002)

cant you just see aragorn running back and forth screaming.


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## Goldberry344 (Sep 12, 2002)

nah, aragorn would be like, "Puny excuse of a man, I AM ARAGOR, ELENDIL, Ellessar, Elfstone, wingfoot, the heir of gondor, strider, the hater of goldie's pathetic mouse, now gimme a horse."


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## Anamatar IV (Sep 12, 2002)

I want to add to that:

Legolas: And elrond thinks he can lead us through the paths of the dead. Yeah right. Like that will ever happen. *shoots 2 riders* there gimli-now we have horses.


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## Goldberry344 (Sep 12, 2002)

lol....i thought leggy would just nance about like a proper maiden.... i mean elf...


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## Anamatar IV (Sep 12, 2002)

i think thats been done.


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## Goldberry344 (Sep 12, 2002)

ah, you're right. in the movie....


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## Anamatar IV (Sep 12, 2002)

no...i actaully took the time (YOU SEE THAT! IM NOT LAZY!) to read ALL the pages of this. They have legolas prancing around, frodo selling the ring, pretty funny stuff.


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## Goldberry344 (Sep 12, 2002)

lol....i know...i've been posting here since near the beginning. but it doesnt matter if its already been done, its still humerous. if you ask me.


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## Arathin (Sep 13, 2002)

yes legsie is nancing about quite a bit in this thread. i too have been here since basically the beginning. so it has all been amusing.


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## Anamatar IV (Sep 13, 2002)

i get so jeleous (sp) not being in forums from the beginning because i miss all these threads and id be up until this time next year to read them all.


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## Arathin (Sep 13, 2002)

yes it is nice. at one point, i was in like i think it was top 5 posters on here. oh well. now i am lucky to get to a comp soemtimes.


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## Anamatar IV (Sep 13, 2002)

well in the 1st day everyones in the top something.


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## Goldberry344 (Sep 13, 2002)

ah, i am such an addict. i went away for 2 months and was still in the top 10. but most of my posts are in the rpg sec, i tink....


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## Gandalf_White (Sep 14, 2002)

Sauron: I'll pay you anything for that ring! If only you'll give it to me!

Frodo: Well this is no cheap piece of jewelry it's 14 karat gold.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
lol. I like that one about Aragorn.


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## Muffinly (Sep 14, 2002)

Sauron: "I am the muffin man! HAHAHA!!"

Pippen: "He's lying. I once met the muffin man. He gave me a biscuit."


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## Arathin (Sep 14, 2002)

Sauron, pre-last allience of men and elves: Yo, I gots a sweet @$$ violent, intelligent ring and you'll never defeat me!!!!

Sauron, post-last allience of men and elves: Yo, I gots no body! Who needs that dam ring. This is sweet, man! Yo, Ringwraith No. 5 you can't see me! 

Ringwraith No. 5: one, two, three, four, five.
I don't know the next verse. 
something along the lines
of Nazgul numba five


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## Anamatar IV (Sep 14, 2002)

Aragorn:You expect me to heal HER!?!?


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## Legolas_lover12 (Sep 14, 2002)

this might have been sed before ...

_____________________________________________

Legolas : I LOVE YOU GIMLI!!!


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## Goldberry344 (Sep 15, 2002)

> Things LOTR characters would NEVER say.




But Leggy WOULD say that....


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## Wonko The Sane (Sep 26, 2002)

Aragorn when Frodo stares at him in the bar:

How YOU doin'?


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## Gandalf_White (Sep 26, 2002)

Legolas: (to Gimli) I think I'll grow a beard.

Gimli: (to himself) Gee and I was gonna shave mine off.


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## Wonko The Sane (Sep 27, 2002)

Aragorn (in response to Boromir's outburst): You're right...Gondor needs no king...I'm going back to bed.


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## *Lady Aragorn* (Dec 31, 2002)

> _Originally posted by Wood Elf _
> *Things they would NOT say:
> 
> Elrond to Aragorn: Sure, you can have her(Arwen), whatever man.
> ...



that's funny! i like the one with pippin....


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## Nefmariel (Dec 31, 2002)

sorry if this has been said before:

Aragorn: oh its just 10 Uru-Kai...eek run for your life!


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## reem (Jan 1, 2003)

frodo to golum: could you hold this (the ring)a minute please? i need to tie my shoe lace.
sam to frodo on the way to mordor: stop hoggin all the water you insensitive pig!
one of the nazgul: need a ride pal?


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## *Lady Aragorn* (Jan 1, 2003)

these were HILARIOUS!!


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## Muffinly (Jan 7, 2003)

Were?


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## Wonko The Sane (Jan 7, 2003)

Legolas, removing his long blond tresses which we all know is a wig: Iluvatar this thing is itchy!!!


----------



## klugiglugus (Jan 8, 2003)

Frodo to Sam: I don't like you any more, screw you guys I am going home!

Gimli to Frodo: I am bigger than you wee man! Hobbit boy!

Aragorn: Diz iz wack mah homies, yoo crack'az bettah keep that bling-bling fro' dat honkey! Kill Whitey!


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## moon cloud (Jan 8, 2003)

galadriele: *drags cigarrette* wha's on the F*cking telly? _not_ that ER b*llocks. "oh boo hoo hoo my son just got his leg cut off" - GET A LIFE, w*nk*r. *cracks whip* oi, lovedwarf, my bath ready yet?
gimli: She gave me three hairs! three hairs from her plughole! She's a lady, indeed.

*******

Aragorn: *southern drawl* yiss. We had that frodo boy out back jist th' othir day. Gawt som perty-lookeen ring. Me and merl, we strung 'im up and trayded it. Gawt me a brrrand new tv. And Missy - thass ma pig - she was fed off 'im for a month. Hobbit meat...hot damn, its juicy.


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## Isenho (Jan 8, 2003)

the members of the fellowship greeting each other for the first time

"Sup"


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## Baranlas (Jan 8, 2003)

i havent read all these but there funny, im sorry to all the people who can think of desent ones,

Frodo:"i was all for lying my head on your lap sam, but whats that poking in my ear?"

sorry for goin a bit cruder i just thought id post it


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## Cobain (Jan 8, 2003)

Mordor Orc: I think I should get out more don't you think my skin's getting a little pale??

Frodo: Shake n vac and put the freshness back...

Sauron: I see skys of blue, clouds of white.....and I think to myself....what a wonderful world!


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## Elfhelm25 (Jan 8, 2003)

hee hee these are amusing 

Frodo - How the hell did I get stuck with ***EDITED BY ANCALAGON***anyway
( referring to the ring or Sam ) 

Orc - I dont understand why everyone discriminates against me just because I cant afford a bath . 

Nazgul - I dont know why everyone discrimnates against me just becuase I dress in black . Noone even tries to get to know the real me . 

Sauron - I admit it . I HATE the color black . And I miss the sun . 

Troll- Just becuase I couldnt afford an education doesnt mean Im stupid . 

Galadriel - Every day I think about getting a divorce . 

Arwen - I wear the pants in this relationship .


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## Elfhelm25 (Jan 8, 2003)

by these i mean everyone elses not my own


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## Mablung (Jan 8, 2003)

Witch King: To be honest I don't care about the ring my real passion is country western music.


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## Arwen Halfelven (Jan 9, 2003)

I've been cuop & I'm still roflol!!!!!!

Frodo to Boromir: Take the stupid Ring & stop picking on me!!!!!

Legolas to Gimli: You're short & I'm not!

Legolas to Gimli: Elves rule and dwarves drool!

Aragorn to Hobbits in Midgewater Marshes: If you guys had just used "OFF" like I asked you to do!


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## Mablung (Jan 9, 2003)

Tom Bombadil: Why come in little Hobbits Goldberry and I were just about to have a discussion on how this whole one ring affair you brought up will affect our Gondorian savings bonds.

Denethor: I love Faramir and hate Boromir.

Sauron in eye form: Where'd my contact go? I can't focus in close without it.

Feanor: Well maybe those gems arent worth all this lets just go back and pick up some cubic zirconias.

Gimli: Why no I love riding through the trees on horseback.


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## Arwen Halfelven (Jan 9, 2003)

Glorfindel: That Peter Jackson guy is gonna hear from my lawyer! Arwen, indeed!!!

Goldberry: I never liked the water anyway!!!

Sam: Shoot! I can't get that stupid little nut to grow anywhere!!

Gaffer: That Sam was always such a loser!!

Saruman: You can always find a friend in Fangorn Forest!

Frodo: Next volcano I visit will be in Hawaii!

Denethor: My kids would have been better if I'd let them watch "Sesame Street" and learn about co-operation!

Eowyn: What a girl has to do to get some attention in these stories! Sheesh!


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## smeagol444 (Jan 9, 2003)

heehee!

your all crackin' me up!


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## Wonko The Sane (Jan 9, 2003)

That's dirty!!

Moon Cloud and Baranlas are going to get in trouble!  GO YOU!


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## Mablung (Jan 9, 2003)

Gandalf: So you broke the one ring when you dropped it and stepped on it? There goes my Mt Doom theory welll... anyone wanna go anyway?

Bilbo: No more thanks Im full.

Aragorn: Im actually a democrat and I don't believe in the monarchal system. 

Gollum: No I don't want the ring anymore actually I got some help and I've been clean for 6 monthes now I basically just came to make amends for the evil thoughts I was having earlier.

Lobelia: Oh do take care Frodo dear are you sure you dont want our son to come with you? You'd have ever so much fun and don't worry a thing about Bag End the mayor will keep out any nasty thieves.


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## Arwen Halfelven (Jan 9, 2003)

Mablung~~~~this is what happens when I should be asleep instead of sitting in front of my 'puter thinking in weird ways!!!

Treebread: Pippin, get those pruning shears & take a bit of my top here.

Nazgul: If Sauron would let me have a throat lozenge, I'm sure I'd sound a lot better!

Sauron to an orc: Get some throat lozenges for the Nazgul!

Legolas: Not only am I hunky, but I'm a dead shot with an elven bow! Always dinner on the table!

Aragorn to Arwen: Why can't we just elope?

Faramir to Eowyn: Why can't we just elope?

Gimli to Legolas: Why can't we just elo....oops!!!! Wrong script!!!

Frodo to Bilbo: You're the reason I'm in therapy now. If you'd only kept that dumb ring!

Okay, I'm going to bed now! This was way too fun........
Namarie, mellyn!!!!


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## reem (Jan 9, 2003)

harharhar!!! no no!! now THAT is hilarious!! heehee!!
nice one
reem


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## Ol'gaffer (Jan 9, 2003)

Arwen to Aragorn: I'm going to the gray havens...But I'll write.

Grima: Allright, It was me...and Saruman

Treebeard: brrr, quite cold, someone get some firewood!

Gandalf: Hmm? Oh! I'm in your way! Sorry, this confounded bridge is just so narrow that it's really hard to pass.

Galadriel: Who's on for a game of TWISTER?

Gimli: can't we all just...Get along?

Eowyn to Aragorn: can't you forget that hag in Rivendell? she's way too old for you!


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## klugiglugus (Jan 9, 2003)

Tom Bombadil: Thats right little children Goldberry is a Pokemon!

Gullum: Ok that it! I am George W. Bush and I refuse to be treated in this mannor! The united slates of ameeba will fight this war against Hobbitism!


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## Elfhelm25 (Jan 9, 2003)

Haha , everyone is so funny !


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## Elfhelm25 (Jan 9, 2003)

Tom Bombadil : I am vying for Sauron . He really would be a more productive ruler . 

Elrond : Frankly , my daughter is a tramp and she's free for the taking . I'll give someone my ring of power to get her off my back . 

Eomer : If you wanted to sleep with my sister , you should have just said so , Grima . Its funny to watch you prowl after her . Ill hook you up !

Theoden : Women make the best fighters . Eomer , Aragorn , Legolas , theres plenty of gear that needs mending . Would you be dears and get started on that for me ?

Celeborn : I wear the pants in my family . Im serious ! 

Saruman : My mother neglected me as a child . I hurt to keep from hurting . 

Orcs : I prefer a gentle rose blush to give my skin an extra glow on those warm summer evenings .


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## omnipotent_elf (Jan 9, 2003)

Treebeard: yeah i can be the centrepiece of ur bonfire


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## Hawk (Jan 15, 2003)

Boromir: *after being shot by orcs* I'm not quite dead.... I feel happy... I feel happy... *dies*

Gandalf: *on the bridge in moria to the Balrog* You must answer me these questions three ere the other side you see....

Ring Writhes: We demand... a Shrubbery!

Legolas: *on the ramparts of helm's deep to orcs in an annoying French accent* Go Away or I shall taunt you a second time!

Gollum: *to Frodo* Do or do not.. there is no try..
Frodo: What does that mean?
Gollum: I don't know I read it on a fortune cookie.


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## Hawk (Jan 15, 2003)

Legolas: *agian at helm's deep in the middle of battle*Ok, nobody move I lost a contact.


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## faila (Jan 15, 2003)

frodo in mount doom pulls out a joint and lights it with the lava and says to sam
"Want to toke?"


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## omnipotent_elf (Jan 15, 2003)

riders of rohan "oh bugger horses, i want to swim"

orc*holds up two fingers*"PEACE MAN"

orc *i feel so proud, being this olympic torch runner and all. I know they wont blow me up tho, i love my felow orcs too much*

legolas "i'm really an orc" *gets out of elf costume*


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## Goldberry344 (Jan 15, 2003)

Gimly: LEGOLAS! 2!
Leggy: I've got 17 already!
Gimly! YOU BLASTED CHEAT! you think your so great with your bow and arrow! well guess what! ill give you a BLOW! *beheads elf*

i am feeling rather unfunny right now.


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## omnipotent_elf (Jan 15, 2003)

Grima: i wasnt after eowyn, i was after u there eomer


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## Snaga (Jan 15, 2003)

Gandalf: 'Can I trade this staff in for a zimmer-frame?'

Frodo: 'Take it easy Sam, I'll do the gardening'

Sam: 'Since I stopped cooking with onions I don't cry at all any more.'

Gollum: 'Leave master alone, stupid fat hobbit! He's mine, bitch!'

The Mouth of Sauron: ' Wanna see the toothbrush of Sauron?'

Gandalf to the hobbits after a long forced march and no toilet break: 'You cannot pi$$!'


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## Hawk (Jan 15, 2003)

Sam: *to Frodo after the ring is destroyed* Mr. Frodo you just destroyed the one ring what are you ging to do now?
Frodo: I'M GOING TO DISNEYLAND!!


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## reem (Jan 16, 2003)

arwen to elrond: i love him (aragorn) dady, i LOVE him!
elrond: well...if this is what you really want...you can get married then!
arwen: oh thank you dad!! you're the best!
(hug each other, then as they let go)
elrond: OWOWOW!! MY HAIR!! WAIT ARWEN OW!!


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## Isenho (Jan 16, 2003)

haha, well it would be funny to hear ANYONE say "dude"


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## moon cloud (Jan 17, 2003)

sam: Danger is my middle name. Oh yes. 

boromir: Your tears will have no effect on my hard, steely exterior, Frodo. I will be the rings b*tch no longer. Trot off to mordor with it, I hope you're happy together. Get yourselves a pina colada, celebrate. Its on me.

Legolas: Gee whizz, I sure hope ol' mr. Elrond will let me go back to mirkwood. It's time to make super huge mud pies and theres a pile of manure with my name on it.

gimli: Oh gandalf, that _tickles_ 

Aragorn: Actually, Arwen, this jewel round my neck is a bit of old tat I bought off the shopping channel. The real evenstar hangs from a more *secret* place.


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## Arathin (Jan 17, 2003)

Oh I'd like Aragorn saying that last one to me... of course me and about half the girls on here would like that....

Gimli to Merry: To tell the truth, Merry. I am a girl Dwarf, and I really do like you a lot. 

Merry to Pippin: Hey lets go home.
Pippin: Nah, I think we should go have fun with Saruman and his Uruk-hai.


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## omnipotent_elf (Jan 17, 2003)

i'm male, so i dont really get what it is about aragorn

well heres another one
Pippen: theve got pints?!?!?! oh well, i'm not thirsty anyways


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## klugiglugus (Jan 18, 2003)

Sam: were'z me wash board?

Aragorn: Oh, I love me! and Legolas! for alas I am a queen! I am off to go and get my nails done. This whole ring thingy is very vulgar and goash!

Pippen to Arwen: You need a real man!


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## Elfhelm25 (Jan 18, 2003)

Elrond : Take the blue pill , Frodo , and you can go back to your little hobbit hole and forget this whole mess . Take the red pill , and you can discover the truth . That what is real may not be ....


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## Arwen Halfelven (Jan 18, 2003)

Frodo in reply to the Elrond quote above: Is this the Matrix or Middle Earth?? Or are they one in the same??? Or is this the Twilight Zone???? I'm sooo confused!!!!!

Legolas to Aragorn at Helm's Deep as he readies an arrow: Oh darn, I broke a nail!!!!

Pippin to Merry as they are aboard treebeard: This is way better than that crummy treehouse we had in Buckland!!

Sam to Frodo in the widerness: I'm trying to be true to my diet, Mr. Frodo. Is lembas in "The Zone"??

Gollum to Sam & Frodo regarding food: I'd eat that elf stuff if I wasn't anorexic.

Sam to Gollum: This whole adventure is just binge & purge; binge & purge. No wonder I'm a stupid fat hobbit!!!!!!!

Frodo to Sam: Raw coney is in "The Zone".

So much for eating disorders in LOTR


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## reem (Jan 20, 2003)

Gandalf before the fellowship leaves Rivendell: alright everyone, who needs to go weewee before we leave?


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## Ol'gaffer (Jan 20, 2003)

Elrond: Middle Earth stands on the brink of destruction, but it doesn't consern us elves as we're packing our bags and running.

Ring Wraiths: *cough, cough*

Sauron: Blink, blink

Gandalf: oooh, look at me! I'm the ring bearer, laa-di-daa.

Gimli: No thanks, I'm on a diet.

Arwen: Námarea-ou damnit!!

Gollum: Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm a skitzoprenic and so am I.


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## Ol'gaffer (Jan 20, 2003)

> _Originally posted by moon cloud _
> *Aragorn: Actually, Arwen, this jewel round my neck is a bit of old tat I bought off the shopping channel. The real evenstar hangs from a more *secret* place. *



HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!
Stop it! Stop it! You're killing me!!


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## Sarah (Jan 20, 2003)

> _Originally posted by Elfhelm25 _
> *Elrond : Take the blue pill , Frodo , and you can go back to your little hobbit hole and forget this whole mess . Take the red pill , and you can discover the truth . That what is real may not be .... *



Frodo: "I wish none of this had ever happend to me... Why oh why didn't I take the blue pill?!"


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## Isenho (Jan 20, 2003)

hahaha!


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## BlackCaptain (Jan 20, 2003)

-Sam to Elrond: Ok, heres one... Why did the chicken cross the road?
Elrond: Well that depends, haseth this chicken been on the other side twice? nay, thrice I say! or is it that this chicken is of elven-breed, or is crossing the east-west road and going into the tower of the rising moon?
Sam: ... shut up...
Elrond: Perhaps riddling with thy Elven-master of lore is not your game... I know! lets have a spelling contest!
Sam: It do...


-Sam to Frodo: Why don't you let me carry the ring Mr.Frodo?
Frodo: Shove it fatty!

-Gandalf: Why Pippin! You are incredibly wise!

-Aragorn: Oh I know! I just cant get these stains out of my pants ... 
Boromir: You should use Athelas, barbecue sauce comes right out!


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## BlackCaptain (Jan 20, 2003)

> _Originally posted by Hawk _
> *Boromir: *after being shot by orcs* I'm not quite dead.... I feel happy... I feel happy... *dies*
> 
> Gandalf: *on the bridge in moria to the Balrog* You must answer me these questions three ere the other side you see....
> ...



HA!!! MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL RULES!!! IVE GOT ONE!!!:

Sauron to Isildur when his hand gets chopped off:
Tis but a flesh wound!


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## Olorin3 (Jan 20, 2003)

Sam at Osgiliath: Oh *great* , now Sauron knows exactly where the ring is. How's Mr. Jackson going to get us out of this blunder?


Woohoo, my first post. Hello, everyone!


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## BlackCaptain (Jan 21, 2003)

Tehcnicaly, thats the movie, but a funny little quote at that! welcome to the forum!


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## Olorin3 (Jan 21, 2003)

Ok, ok. 

Here's a coulple more "bookish" ones.

Frodo to Nazgul: "You're not even riding *real* horses you're just banging coconuts together."


Gandalf to Fellowship at Bridge of Kazad-dum: "Oh, no, it's a Balrog and I can clearly see his actual, physical wings."


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## BlackCaptain (Jan 21, 2003)

-Teebeard:Now-adays-every-body-wanna-talk-like-they-got-somethin-to-say-but-nuthin-comes-out-when-they-move-thier-lips-just-a-bunch-of-jibberish-so-f*ck-that-cuz-they-forgot-about-the-ents.

-Gwahir-You only took an arrow out of me, Ive saved you from wolves, Balrogs, battles of 5 armies,and Orthanc. I think ill let you fight this battle by this big gate yourself. (points to the Moranon)

-Bilbo-Im sick and tired of making poems for you Eru-d*mned elves!

-Gandalf-I guess this... "Glamdring" looks ok, but i'd much rather have that one! (points to Sting)

-Morgoth-Oh. Sory everyone, my harp's out of tune. (tunes it back up and plays to the song hapily ever after)

-Aule: _These_ are Dwarves?! I wanted the one... u know... the one that fights in the Mud!
Manwe-Foxxy Boxers?
Aule:YES!!! THOSE!!! (from the Simpsons)


And someone posted earlier about Gandalf asking if anyone neede to go "tinkle"... Has anyone noticed that not once in all the books does anyone go to the bathroom? or i should say take a pist, cuz there werent any bathrooms...


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## Heathertoes (Jan 21, 2003)

Book Aragorn: "Let's hunt some orc!"
- was nearly sick on the person in front of me when Film Aragorn said it.


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## BlackCaptain (Jan 21, 2003)

haha... what exactly does that mean?


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## Hawk (Jan 22, 2003)

*I know it's bad but it's al I could think of after midterms.*

Aragorn: *after battling hundreds of Uru-Kai… sees little bunny rabbit* AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! RUN AWAY!!!!!!


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## Sarah (Jan 22, 2003)

> _Originally posted by MorgulKing _
> *haha... what exactly does that mean? *



It means that heathertoes didn't like it when aragorn says lets hunt some orc in the movie because heathertoes feels that the book aragorn wouldn't have said it.

I whole heartedly disagree.


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## BlackCaptain (Jan 22, 2003)

*Re: I know it's bad but it's al I could think of after midterms.*



> _Originally posted by Hawk _
> *Aragorn: *after battling hundreds of Uru-Kai… sees little bunny rabbit* AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! RUN AWAY!!!!!! *



Have you seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail?


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## Heathertoes (Jan 22, 2003)

> _Originally posted by Sarah _
> *It means that heathertoes didn't like it when aragorn says lets hunt some orc in the movie because heathertoes feels that the book aragorn wouldn't have said it.
> 
> I whole heartedly disagree. *


Presumably that's because you're an American and are used to hearing that type of crime against the English language being committed


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## j0n4th4n (Jan 22, 2003)

orc - (sees daises) ooh ooh stop let me make a daisy chain uthfak

aragorn (in thick of battle) - sod this, im off

thorin oakenshield - elves are better than dwarves, ill admit it

gollum when offered ring - whats that, precious?

saruman - im so lonely, i want a girlfriend


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## Mablung (Jan 22, 2003)

Witch King: Ok the Council of Evil is now in session for all those wondering I am stepping in as the moderator since Sauron has no arms to bang the gavel(sp?) anymore. On a similar note I vote that all of Sauron's privelages and powers be stripped. All those for say yay.
Saruman: yay
Witch King: And I say yay as well however Sauron does have veto power and could kill the motion. So all opposed... blink.
Sauron: ... I hate you.


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## BlackCaptain (Jan 22, 2003)

haha.

Sauron- blink-blink-blink-blink. blink-blink-blinkblinkblink-blink blink.
Witch King- I know!
Sauramon-How do you figure?
Sauron- Blink-blink... blink blink blink blink blink-blink blink, blink blink blink blink blink-blink.
Saruman- Ohhh! I see! So i should put TWO cups of sugar in...


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## Ol'gaffer (Jan 23, 2003)

> _Originally posted by Heathertoes _
> *Presumably that's because you're an American and are used to hearing that type of crime against the English language being committed *



Now, now. Play nice, just like me and Lilhobo before they started editing our posts.  

Here's a few more:

Any hobbit: Man, I'm stuffed. I couldn't eat another bite.

Gandalf to Frodo: Ooh! Look at me! I'm carrying the one ring and I'm only two feet tall!

Gollum: Bloody hell!..

Arwen: Da-ddy! Aragorn won't marry me-e! 
Elrond: Now Arwen calm down, he won't marry you because I told him so.
Arwen: But why-y? I really, really want to marry him! *starts to sulk*


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## reem (Jan 25, 2003)

Gollum makes a movie called "Me, Myself, and Preciousss"


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## Isenho (Jan 25, 2003)

LOLLLLL gaffer!


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## BlackCaptain (Jan 27, 2003)

*Sauron looking at a line-up of the scariest things in all of middle earth* - Ok, you can be my mouth (pointing to a armored skeleton thing), you can be my eye (points to giant eyball), you can be my arm (points to ringwraiths), and you can be my foot (points to a horse[scary one that is])


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## omnipotent_elf (Jan 28, 2003)

one orc in the 10 000 army " come on guys, group hug for luck"


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## chaos (Jan 28, 2003)

Eowyn: "I long for the love of another.".

Famamir: "Well maybe its best you ride into battle and kill yourself then, I don't want to be second best".


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## Theoden_king (Jan 28, 2003)

(film) legolas: they are all going to die
Aragorn: We better run before the orcs get here then


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## ShootingStar (Jan 28, 2003)

Ringwraith: Does this cloak make my butt look big??

Legolas to orc: You're so pretty! You should be a model!

Arwen: hey Aragorn, eowyn's here! Lets have a threesome!

Galadriel: Look into my mirror
Legolas: Yes darling... I see..... my hair.... it has a tangle!!!!!! NOOOOOO!!!!
*faints and dies*
Galadriel: what a wuss. *sigh* next...



Hey the lotr diaries wont load on my computer!! Whats wrong?? I want to read them!!


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## Arathin (Jan 28, 2003)

The Fellowship: We're men, men in tights! *etc with the whole song*

Saruman: Frodo will be dead.... D-E-D.... dead. *evil laughing between him and Sauron*

Galadriel in her mirror: What? These aren't MY bubbles!!!!

Boromir, yelled at Frodo as Frodo escapes at end of FotR: I'll cut your heart out with a spoon!!!


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## Hawk (Jan 29, 2003)

*After Boromir dies in FOTR.... Aragorn looks down at him* Hey Legolas, isn't that one of your arrows?
Legolas: Noooooooooooo...... of course not.

*Boromir reappers in TTT* What??? Gandalf came back from the dead why can't I?


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## Elven_RANGER (Jan 29, 2003)

Boromir dying- "I'm not dead yet!......I feel happy!!!........ No I'm 
feelling much better, really."

Aragorn to Arawen- "So.... just how old are you???" !!!!!SLAP!!!!!

Aragorn to Legolas on wall of Helmsdeep- "What's that on the horizen it looks like a..... PURPLE DINASAUR!?!?! Take it down Legolas!!!"


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## omnipotent_elf (Jan 29, 2003)

*monkeys spring up everywhere*

aragorn: now uve made a monkey out of meeeeeeeeeeeeee


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## reem (Jan 30, 2003)

gimli one morning to the fellowship: ALRIGHT!! THAT'S IT!! WHO's BEEN USING MY TOOTHBRUSH??!!

sam to frodo: right, master frodo (claps his hands together and looks determined). the fist thing we need to do when all this is over is get you a manicure!


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## balrog (Feb 1, 2003)

Gandalf to Balrog in Moria:

"How could you forget the marshmellows?"


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## Morgoth (Feb 1, 2003)

Balrog:' Anybody got a light?'
Frodo to Sam on the slope of Mt Doom: 'I thought you said you had it...'
Gollum: 'Anybody fancy some lembas?'
Nazgul (outside Hobbiton) in an evil voice: 'Shhiiiire...... Nearest Pub'
Arwen to Aragorn: 'What do you mean I look fat?'
Gandalf (to Frodo when he is offered the ring at Bag End): Go on then, I'll just try it on....'


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## BlackCaptain (Feb 1, 2003)

haha... those are great...

Sam: I got an A+ on my English test!


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## the_third_rider (Feb 1, 2003)

hahahaha, thosse are truly awesome, i cant think of any, but i would have to say my fav is the black rider"do u like scary movies" lol great job guys


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## omnipotent_elf (Feb 2, 2003)

LOL!!! 
balrog, thats one of the best one I have heard thus far


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## 33Peregrin (Feb 2, 2003)

I like Elven-Ranger's. So just how old are you? And Balrog's was great too.


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## Hawk (Feb 3, 2003)

*Frodo on a computer looking at Ebay* And the high bidder for this ring is..... "[email protected]moria.com".


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## Sarah (Feb 3, 2003)

LOL I like that one. Ya know in TTT it seemed to me that the eye of sauron looked like it was powered by electricity.

Sam: You don't need to go through all this, Frodo, just pull this plug right here....*sam pulls plug* see?


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## legolas84 (Feb 13, 2003)

Aragorn: Legolas, what do your elven eyes see?
Legolas: Uhhh...let me get my glasses.


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## Aulë (Feb 13, 2003)

I just made this up, sorry to double post it- but it _belongs_ in this thread! 

GANDALF: 
There it is! 
ARAGORN: 
The Bridge of Khazad-dum! 
BOROMIR: 
Oh, great. 
ARAGORN: 
Look! There's the old maia from scene twenty-four! 
LEGOLAS: 
What is he doing here? 
ARAGORN: 
He is the keeper of the Bridge of Khazad-dum. He asks each traveller five questions-- 
GANDALF: 
Three questions. 
ARAGORN: 
Three questions. He who answers the five questions-- 
GANDALF: 
Three questions. 
ARAGORN: 
Three questions may cross in safety. 
BOROMIR: 
What if you get a question wrong? 
ARAGORN: 
Then you are cast into the Abyss of Shadow. 
BOROMIR: 
Oh, I won't go. 
GANDALF: 
Who's going to answer the questions? 
ARAGORN: 
Sir Boromir! 
BOROMIR: 
Yes? 
ARAGORN: 
Brave Sir Boromir, you go. 
BOROMIR: 
Hey! I've got a great idea. Why doesn't Legolas go? 
LEGOLAS: 
Yes. Let me go, my liege. I will take him single-handed. I shall make a feint to the north-east that s-- 
ARAGORN: 
No, no. No. Hang on! Hang on! Hang on! Just answer the five questions-- 
GANDALF: 
Three questions. 
ARAGORN: 
Three questions as best you can, and we shall watch... and pray. 
LEGOLAS: 
I understand, my liege. 
ARAGORN: 
Good luck, brave Sir Legolas. God be with you. 
DURIN’S BANE: 
Stop! 

Who would cross the Bridge of Khazad-dum must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see. 
LEGOLAS: 
Ask me the questions, Balrog. I am not afraid. 
DURIN’S BANE: 
What... is your name? 

LEGOLAS: 
My name is 'Sir Legolas of Mirkwood'. 
DURIN’S BANE: 
What... is your quest? 
LEGOLAS: 
To destroy the One Ring. 
DURIN’S BANE: 
What... is your favourite colour? 
LEGOLAS: 
Green. 
DURIN’S BANE: 
Right. Off you go. 
LEGOLAS: 
Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. 
BOROMIR: 
That's easy! 
DURIN’S BANE: 
Stop! Who approacheth the Bridge of Khazad-dum must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see. 
BOROMIR: 
Ask me the questions, Balrog. I'm not afraid. 
DURIN’S BANE: 
What... is your name? 
BOROMIR: 
'Sir Boromir of Gondor'. 
DURIN’S BANE: 
What... is your quest? 
BOROMIR: 
To destroy the One Ring. 
DURIN’S BANE: 
What... is the capital of Lindon? 
[pause] 
BOROMIR: 
I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh! 
DURIN’S BANE: 
Stop! What... is your name? 
GANDALF: 
'Mithrandir'. 
DURIN’S BANE: 
What... is your quest? 
GANDALF: 
To destroy the One Ring. 
DURIN’S BANE: 
What... is your favourite colour? 
GANDALF: 
Blue. No, gre-- auuuuuuuugh! 
DURIN’S BANE: 
Hee hee heh. Stop! What... is your name? 
ARAGORN: 
It is 'Aragorn', King of Gondor. 
DURIN’S BANE: 
What... is your quest? 
ARAGORN: 
To destroy the One Ring. 
DURIN’S BANE: 
What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow? 
ARAGORN: 
What do you mean? An African or European swallow? 
DURIN’S BANE: 
Huh? I-- I don't know that. Auuuuuuuugh! 
LEGOLAS: 
How do know so much about swallows? 
ARAGORN: 
Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.


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## Arwen Halfelven (Feb 14, 2003)

*Funniest place on the 'net!!*

Lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This has got to be the funniest place ever!!! When my brain goes bonkers I know right where to come.........here!!! Is Tolkien cracking up in his grave or what!!!!!?????

Sam: Gardener??? Heck, Frodo, I'd get my fingernails all dirty!!!!

Rosie Cotton at closing time to Sam: Meet me in the tater patch in 15minutes.....(wink!wink!)

Frodo upon waking in Rivendell: The nurses are great but you know hospital food!

Gandalf hanging on the Bridge of K-D: If I'd only had that manicure I'd still be here!

Frodo to Galadriel: Trade rings with you!!!

Galadriel to Gimli: Here's my hair, just don't look at the brown roots!!!


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## legolas84 (Feb 15, 2003)

Legolas: You and your third dimension...
Gimli: What about it?
Legolas: Oh nothing...it's cute...in Mirkwood we have five.......th...thousand........don't question it!

(for u adult swim fans)


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## Hawk (Feb 15, 2003)

Ganfalf to frodo: you take the blue pill you wake up in your brd and believe whatever you want to believe.... you take the red pill and I will give you this gold ring to destroy in Mt. Doom.
*Frodo takes to bluse pill and then walks away*


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## *Lady Arwen* (Feb 17, 2003)

Arwen: I think we all know that I just like Aragorn because he's the heir to the throne of Gondor.


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## Bailey Baggins (Feb 17, 2003)

Treebeard: damn its cold throw another Ent on the fire Pip, ya lazy half-grown hole dwellin hobbit.

Frodo to Legolas while still in Lorien: what do the laments to Gandalf say?
Legolas to Frodo: Try to understand, try to understand, try, try, try, to understand he's a magic man!


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## Anira the Elf (Feb 19, 2003)

That is the funnies thing I have seen in all my short years, Pippin_Took. i am a huge fan of Monty Python.


Sauron's eye: 
"I'm watching you!"

The 7 dwarfs who got rings:
"hi ho, hi ho. it's off to work we go!"


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## Bailey Baggins (Feb 20, 2003)

Gandalf to the Balrog: You jump I jump, got that!

you guys truly crack me up this is the best thread ever!


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## balrog (Feb 20, 2003)

Awwwww! come on Frodo....you know Rosie and I need a ring....Puleeeeease?


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## Wonko The Sane (Feb 20, 2003)

Eomer: Um..Eowyn, I know you're my sister and all...but well...see when you wear that white dress I can see your knickers through the skirt and when you do that swishy thing when you walk I just...I just....Man...


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## Morgoth (Feb 22, 2003)

I am also a huuuge Monty Python fan, got all the DVDs, scripts, posters etc. So here are my Monty Python/LotR phrases
Frodo: I am the ringbearer
Nazgul(all9): You're the ringbearer?
Frodo: I am...
Nazgul 1: In that case, I shall have to kill you
Nazgul 2: Shall I?
Nazgul 3: Oh I don't think so
Nazgul 2: What do I think?
Nazgul 1: I think kill him
Nazgul 3: Oh, let's be nice to him
Nazgul 1: Oh, shut up
Nazgul 3: No you
Frodo: Perhaps if..
Nazgul 3: And you!
Nazgul 1: Quickly, get the Morgul Blade out, I want to cut his head off
Nazgul 3: Oh, cut your own head off
Nazgul 2: Yes, do us all a favour
Nazgul 1: What?
Nazgul 3: Yapping on all the time
Nazgul 2: You're lucky, you don't ride next to him
Nazgul 1: What do you mean?
Nazgul 2: You always touch my ring  
Nazgul 1: Ooh, I dont. Anyway you've got a smelly horse
Nazgul 2: That's only because you don't help me clean him
Nazgul 3: Oh, stop bitching. Let's go and have tea.
Nazgul 1: All right, all right. We'll kill him first, then have tea and lembas
Nazgul 2: Yes.
Nazgul 3: Oh, not lembas...
Nazgul 1: All right, not lembas- but let's kill him anyway
Nazgul 2 and 3: Right.
Shot Pans Out
Nazgul 2: He's buggered off!
Nazgul 3: So he has, he's scarpered!
Samwise: Mr Frodo ran away
Frodo: No
Samwise: Bravely ran away, away
Frodo: I didn't!
Samwise: When danger reared it's ugly head
He bravely turned his tail and fled
Yes, Mr Frodo turned about
And gallantly he chickened out
Bravely taking to his feet
He beat a very brave retreat
Bravest of the Brave, Mr Frodo!


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## Aulë (Feb 22, 2003)

This is the ultimate Monty Python/Lord Of The Rings Parody.
I didn't write it- but I shall post it anyway because I love it so much.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

XenoCorp (XC) Pictures
in association with Monty Python
presents

J.R.R. Tolkien's: Fellowship of the Ring

J.R.R. Tølkiën's: Fëløwshipti uv den Råingen

Written by:
Hstaphath - The Official Bard of XenoCorp
Røten nik Akten Di

With:
Gandalf, Aragorn, Boromir, Legolas, Gimli, Meriadoc, Peregrin, Samwise, and Frodo.
Wik

Also appearing:
Celeborn, Galadriel, Haldir, Elrond, Lotho, Lobelia, Tom Bombadil, Firiel/Zoot, Barliman Butterbur, Saruman, Bill Ferny, Harry, Ferdibrand Took, and Sauron.
Alsø wik

Also also appearing:
The Nazgul 9, the XC BattleCow, the Balrog of Moria, the Popular People's Front of Judea (or is that the Popular Judean People's Front?), and the harem ghosts of Arthedain.
Alsø alsø wik

Wi nøt trei a høliday in Røhän this yër?
See äll the løveli hørses
The wøndërful gølden häll uv Edørås - Medusëld
And mäni interësting Røhirrim who tälk aløt lik dis (and vøld lik vëry much to kill yøu)

With special extra thanks to:
The Taldren forum for putting me up to this kind of thing again, XenoCorp for being the incredible group of people they are, to J.R.R. Tolkien's estate for not taking legal action, and (once again) to Monty Python for reasons obvious.

Including the majestik cøw

My sistër once stëpped in cøw pøøp...
No realli! She was Karving her initials øn the cøw with the sharpened end of an interspace tøøthbrush given her by KtujHegh (her brother-in-law) - an Osgiliäth dëntist and star of many Gøndoriån møvies: "The Høt Händs of an Ithiliën Dëntist, Fillings of Passiøn, The Huge Mølars of Børomir..."

We apologise for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible have been sacked.

The Characters and incidents portrayed and the names used are fictitious and any similarity to the names, characters, or history of any person is entirely accidental and unintentional. And I did NOT have sexual relations with that blasted cow!
Signed: SARUMAN THE GREAT


Mynd you, fläming cøw pøøp Kan be pretty nästi...
We apologise again for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible for sacking the people who have just been sacked, have been sacked.

Cøw Trained by: MOOFIGHTERS
Special Cøw Effects: FREY PETERMEIER
Cøw Praying-Mantis Karate Style by: HAWKEYE STONEYFACE
Cøw Costumes: ISC 5OF12
Cøw choreographed by: YATTA!
Miss Liv Tyler's Cøw by: GGRUUK (pending a restraining order)
Cøw trained to drink heavily by: 762 OF HYDRAX
Cøw taught to spam and use bad grammar by: FOO
Cøw's horns sharpened by: BLADE AND INTREPID
Large Cøw on the left hand side of the screen in the third scene from the end, given a thorough grounding in Quenya, Sindarin, Fëanorian Tengwar, and "O" Level Middle-Earth Geography by: S'TASIK
Suggestive poses for the Cøw suggested by: AYLEE SMITH
Udder-care by: HARRY P. NEZ


The directors of the firm hired to continue the credits after the other people had been sacked, wish it to be known that they have just been sacked.
The credits have been completed in an entirely different style at great expense and at the last minute.

Executive Producer:
"Bobo" The Wonder Dwarf

Producer:
Steve "Spank My Dwarf" Ferret

Assisted By:
Fundin J. Dwarf
Ori Q. Dwarf III
Gloini L. Dwarf Jr.
Borin C. Dwarf IX

Directed By:
40 Specially Trained Lonely Mountain Dwarves
7 Disney Dwarves
142 Iron Hills Whooping Dwarves
14 Northern Eriador Gnomes
(Somewhat Related to Dwarves)

GIMLI - DWARF OF THE FELLOWSHIP

and 76,000 Lawn and Garden Dwarves
From "Dwarves-R-Us" Ltd. in Erebor





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Fellowship of the Ring: Scene 1
'Bloody Sackville-Baggins!'

Narrator: The Eleventy-First Birthday of Mr. Bilbo Baggins is in full swing.

[Cheerful music and much talking dies down as Bilbo gets ready to make his birthday speech]
Frodo: Old woman! 
Lotho: Man! 
Frodo: Man, sorry. Have you seen Bilbo Baggins anywhere about? 
Lotho: I'm thirty one. 
Frodo: What? 
Lotho: I'm thirty one in shire-reckoning -- I'm not old! 
Frodo: Well, I couldn't just say "hey you." 
Lotho: Well, you could say "Lotho." 
Frodo: Well, I didn't see that it was you. 
Lotho: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you? 
Frodo: I did say sorry about the "old woman," but it's getting dark and from the behind you looked-- 
Lotho: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior! 
Frodo: Well, today IS my birthday as well as Bilbo's... 
Lotho: Oh your birthday, eh, very nice. An' how'd you afford this party, eh? By exploitin' the average everyday working hobbit -- by hangin' on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic an' social differences rampant throughout the 5 shires! ....If there's ever going to be any progress-- 
Lobelia: Lotho, there's some lovely food laid out over here and look at these pretty silver spoons. Oh -- what do you want?!? 
Frodo: How do you do, ma'am. I'm just looking for Bilbo. Have you seen him?
Lobelia: Why should I have seen him? 
Frodo: Well, this is his birthday party and all... 
Lobelia: This is HIS ruddy party? 
Frodo: Well, yes, Bilbo's and mine. We happen to have our birthdays on the same day and today is his eleventy-first birthday. 
Lobelia: I don't recall getting an invitation to any birthday party, so I don't know what all this nonsense is about. I thought we were all just gathering together for some free food. 
Lotho: You're fooling yourself mother. We're living in a feudal society... A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the well-off Brandybucks and Tooks-- 
Lobelia: Oh there you go, bringing Tooks into it again. 
Lotho: That's what it's all about, mom, if only sensible hobbits would-- 
Frodo: Please, please dear hobbits. I am in haste. Do you not know where Bilbo can be found? 
Lobelia: He up and disappeared just a bit ago. 
Frodo: Ummm... Disappeared? 
Lobelia: That's what I said you dense little Baggins-wanna-be! 
Frodo: ...Disappeared? 
Lotho: I'm telling you Frodo. We've got to form Hobbiton into an anarcho-syndicalist commune shire. We could take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week. 
Frodo: What? Rather than have a Mayor or Thain? 
Lotho: Yes, but all the decisions of that officer would have to be ratified at a special biweekly meeting. 
Frodo: Well, yes, I see what you mean, but... 
Lotho: A simple majority vote in the case of purely internal affairs,-- 
Frodo: Confound it Lotho. Be quiet! 
Lotho: --or by a two-thirds majority in the case of more-- 
Frodo: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet! 
Lobelia: Order, eh -- who does he think he is? 
Frodo: I'm Frodo Baggins and today is my birthday, darn it! 
Lobelia: Well, I didn't give birth to you. 
Frodo: Something we are both profoundly glad of, I'm sure. 
Lobelia: Well, why do you think it should be such a big deal that it is your birthday then? 
Frodo: Because this is my party, because Bilbo and I have paid for all this food and drink and paid to have it prepared and served. We arranged and paid for the singing, the dancing, and even some glorious fireworks. And here you are, invited or not, taking part in our party. That is why it is special that today is my birthday! 
Lotho: Listen -- giving out food, drink, and entertainment is no basis for a system of authority and respect. Position and status derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical birthday ceremony. 
Frodo: Be quiet! 
Lotho: Well you can't expect to be elevated to a level of prominence and power just 'cause you threw a piece of stale cake at me! 
Frodo: Shut up! 
Lotho: I mean, if I went around acting like I was the King of Arnor just because I bought everyone in Bree a honey bun, they'd put me away! 
Frodo: Shut up! Will you shut up! 
Lotho: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system. 
Frodo: Shut up! 
Lotho: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! --- HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed! 
Frodo: Bloody Sackville-Baggins! 
Lotho: Oh, what a give away. Did you hear that, did you hear that, eh?.... That's what I'm on about -- did you see him repressing me, you saw it didn't you?





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Fellowship of the Ring: Scene 2
'Orodruin Jewlers'

Narrator: Returning to the hobbit manor-hole known as Bag End, Frodo continues his search for Bilbo.

Frodo: Hello? Bilbo???
Gandalf: He has gone.

Frodo: What?!? Gone?
Gandalf: Yes, and he has left you his ring...
Frodo: Left me his ring? His most precious possession?
Gandalf: Yes, indeed. I had to whack his arse with a boat paddle, but he finally agreed to leave it. He left it there conveniently laying in the middle of the floor for you.
[Frodo picks up the ring]
Frodo: It is but a plain gold band.
Gandalf: Hmmmpfh. Is it now...
[Gandalf knocks the ring out of Frodo's hand, casting it into the fireplace] 
Frodo: What the... Hey!
Gandalf: Fear not. The ring is unharmed.
Frodo: I'm not worried about the ruddy thing, you hit my hand you looney wizard!
Gandalf: Enough! Let us gaze upon the ring.
Frodo: Odd, the ring is cool though it has been touched by the flames... and strangely heavier.
Gandalf: Look for writing, Frodo... do you see any?
Frodo: Yes! Here... along the inside... it says "Orodruin Jewlers 10-Karat."
Gandalf: The tight-pocketed fiend! He could have at least made the forsaken thing out of 14 or 18-Karat gold...
Frodo: Who?
Gandalf: Never mind for the moment, Frodo, read on. Is there not more?
Frodo: Strange... Along the outside, fiery letters of a strange elven script... I cannot read them.


----------



## Aulë (Feb 22, 2003)

Gandalf: No, but I can. The letters are Elvish, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which I will not utter here.
Frodo: Ulp!
Gandalf: In the common tongue it says, close enough, "One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them."
Frodo: What does it all mean, Gandalf?
Gandalf: It means that this is no ordinary rare magic ring, it is the Master-ring, the One Ring to rule them all!
Frodo: Oh! There is something else here... along the inside near the jewler's stamp.
Gandalf: What's this?!? Quick! What does it say?
Frodo: "Warning - Violets are blue, Roses are red. If you wear this ring, you'll become undead."
Gandalf: Oh, that... That is just the Surgeon General's warning.
Frodo: Undead?!? That's horrible!
Gandalf: You said it, that's some of the worst tripe to pass for poetry - even for the likes of Sauron!
Frodo: No, no! The becoming undead part is horrible!
Gandalf: Oh... Yes, well, simple enough, just don't put the cursed thing on.
Frodo: What shall I do with it then?
Gandalf: Tell you what, why don't I jot off now and go venture into an obvious ambush with a fellow wizard (who has been blatantly lying to me for years) while you just put the ring on a chain and hang out here?
Frodo: Yes, well, that seems sensible enough.
Gandalf: If anyone (or any "thing" for that matter) shows up looking for it, head straight for Bree. It's the most obvious place for you to go, so it will be easy for me to find you there.
Frodo: Good idea! It's as good as done, Gandalf. Have a safe journey!





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Fellowship of the Ring: Narrative Interlude
The Book of the Film

Narrator: And so it came to pass that the Nazgul, the 9 black riders of Mordor, came north into Hobbiton and virtually caught Frodo Baggins unawares.

Running as if his very immortal soul were in peril (because, well, quite frankly, it actually WAS), he was joined in his flight from evil by three other loyal and steadfast hobbit companions.

Samwise Gamgee, called Sam, was the first to join Frodo, but other illustrious names of hobbit lore were soon to follow: Meriadoc Brandybuck, called Merry, and Peregrin Took, called Pippin (as well as several other names given him by Master Gandalf that are not suitable for printing in this tale in order to maintain our PG-13 rating).

Together they formed a hardy hobbit band whose names and deeds were to be recorded in the Red Book of Westmarch and retold throughout the centuries! Of course, obviously, the fact that Frodo and Sam helped write the Red Book of Westmarch might have had a lot to do with that...

But, for now, they just plain got lucky the way the comic relief in any good epic story does. Taking a detour to purloin some mushrooms, they blundered along an unexpected round-a-bout way through green-hill country, Buckland, and then into the Old Forest in virtually every direction EXCEPT Bree.

It was thus that they came upon 'the Master of wood, water, and hill,' known even to the Eldar in the first age as 'Iarwain Ben-adar,' eldest of all living creatures in Middle Earth; Tom Bombadil!





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Fellowship of the Ring: Scene 3
Bombadil's House

Narrator: Our four intrepid hobbits wander lost within the confines of the Old Forest.
Sam: And then you sort of mash the mixture of cow droppings and hay into the tilled soil before planting. It really increases the harvest yield! 
Frodo: This new learning amazes me, Sam. Explain again about that process you call "mulching." 
Sam: Oh, gladly, sir. 
Merry: Look! 
[A dark river of brown water, bordered and arched with ancient willows, and flecked with thousands of faded willow-leaves stretches lazily before them] 
Frodo: Withywindle! 
Sam: Withywindle! 
Merry: Withywindle!

Pippin: It's only a river. 
Frodo: Shh! Fellow hobbits, I bid us make haste to the home of he who was known to the men of Arnor as Orald, he whom the dwarves call Forn, and who is known to hobbits as Tom Bombadil! Let us hasten... to... Bombadil's!

[dancing along the river] 
Tom Bombadil: [singing] 
I'm Tom Bombadil, Oh, Bombadillo! 
By the water, reed, and willow. 
Hear me sing, water-lilies bring, 
For my Goldberry's pillow. 
Come merry dol! Hey, by the water, 
To see the River-woman's daughter.
[dancing] 
I'm Bombadil, a merry fellow; 
Blue jacket and boots of yellow. 
On many days I'm in a craze, 
With my songs I love to bellow. 
For none have caught the master, 
Tom's songs and feet are faster.
[in Bombadil's house] 
Goldberry: [clap, clap, clap, clap]
[back at the river] 
Tom Bombadil: [tap-dancing] 
Hey now! Hear me singing? 
With your ears a'ringing. 
Spend the day and prance away,
my songs I'll keep on winging. 
'Cause I can't let my rhymes get lax,
Goldberry: [fingers in ears]
I have to stuff my ears with wax.

[back overlooking the river] 
Frodo: Well, on second thought, let's not go to Bombadil's. It is a silly place. 
Sam: Right. 
Merry: Right. 
Pippin: Right.


Fellowship of the Ring: Scene 4
The Barrow-Anthrax

Narrator: Having finally reached the eastern edge of the Old Forest, our stalwart band of hobbits has entered an ancient and haunted region of burial mounds known as 'The Barrow-Downs.' Having missed the chance to pass through the downs during daylight due to a poorly timed afternoon hobbit nap, an eerie cold fog now rolls in across the downs. One by one, the hobbits become separated in the silent, heavy mists...
Frodo: Sam! Pippin! Merry! Come along! Why don't you keep up?!

[From some place far way off to the east, so it seemed, there was a distant cry: 'Hoy! Frodo! Hoy!'] 
Frodo: Sam! Where are you?! Pippin! Merry! Come along!
[Climbing up a hill-top, Frodo sees a great barrow looming open before him. Near the entrance is a dark cloaked figure of a young elf maiden, her ears distinct even in the gloom. Turning to Frodo, her eyes are very cold as though lit with a pale light that seems to come from some remote distance.]

Frodo: Hello? Can you help me? I've lost my friends and...
[Her beautiful ghostly face smiles as a strong cold grip seizes Frodo. The icy touch freezes Frodo right down to his 'Fruit-of-Thy-Looms,' and he remembers no more...]

Frodo: Hello! Where am I?!
Zoot: Welcome, gentle hafling. Welcome to the Barrow Anthrax.
Frodo: The Barrow Anthrax? 
Zoot: Yes. Oh, it's not a very good name, is it? Oh, but we are nice and we will attend to your every, every need! 
Frodo: You are an underground colony of elves? 
Zoot: We're a what? 
Frodo: Elves. One led me here. 
Zoot: Oh, but you are tired and you must rest awhile. Midget! Crapper! 
Midget and Crapper: (appearing as if out of thin air) Yes, O Zoot? 
Zoot: Prepare a pyre for our guest. 
Midget and Crapper: Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!... 
Zoot: Away! Away, varletesses. The beds here are cold and hard and very, very lonely, I'm afraid. 
Frodo: Well, look, I-- I, uh-- 
Zoot: What is your name, handsome sir? 
Frodo: 'Frodo Baggins... of the Shire.' 
Zoot: Mine is 'Zoot.' Just 'Zoot.' No other names are necessary anymore... Oh, but come. 
Frodo: Look, please! In all seriousness, where is the elf who led me here?
Zoot: Oh, you have suffered much. You are delirious. 
Frodo: No, look. I saw her! She is here in this-- 
Zoot: Mr. Frodo! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality. 
Frodo: Well, I-- I, uh-- 
Zoot: Oh, I am afraid our existence must seem very dull and dead compared to yours. We were but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between sixteen and twentynine-and-a-half, cut down and laid to rest in this barrow with no one to protect us. We here in this grand and stately barrow are the wives and harem of the King of Arthedain. Unfortunately, that poor sod Arvedui not only messed up his rights of succession, but went and got himself killed somewhere up north with the snow-dwellers of Forochel... leaving us with not even a male guardsman for company! Oooh, it is a lonely state of being... and now you and your three companions are here and we are just not used to having such handsome males to tend to. Or ANY males for that matter. Nay. Nay. Come. Come. You may lie here. Oh, but you are exhausted! 
Frodo: No, no. Well-- I guess I do feel a bit worn. 
Zoot: Oh, you must see the embalm... errr... healers immediately! No, no, please! Lie down. 
[clap clap] 
Piglet: (also appearing as if from nowhere) Well, what seems to be the trouble? 
Frodo: They're healers?! 
Zoot: Uh, they... have a basic medical training, yes. 
Frodo: B-- but-- 
Zoot: Oh, come. Come. You must try to rest. Piglet! Winston! Practise your art. 
Winston: Try to relax. 
Frodo: Are you sure that's absolutely necessary? 
Piglet: We must examine you and get you into this nice white robe. 
Frodo: Hey! Watch were you're... there's nothing wrong with that! 
Piglet: Please. We were professionals. 
Frodo: Look! This cannot be. I at least need to find Sam, Merry, and Pippen! 
Piglet: Lay back down! At once! 
Frodo: Torment me no longer. I must find my friends and I MUST find the elf that guided me here! 
Piglet: There's no elves here. 
Frodo: I have seen her! I have, I have seen one! 
[clank] 
I saw her at-- 
Girls: Hello. 
Frodo: Oh. 
Girls: Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. 
Frodo: Whoooa! It was GOOD to be the King!
[amid the spirits of some of the most beautiful female beings Frodo had ever seen, he spots his relaxed and helpless companions]
Frodo: Sam! Merry! Pippin!
Sam: Hoy Frodo, sir! Miss Zoot said you were getting a massage... oh, these girls are lovely...


----------



## Aulë (Feb 22, 2003)

Merry: Hey Frodo, the girls say they are going to teach us something called 'tupping!'

Pippin: I have no idea what that is, but I REALLY think I'm going to like it! You don't mind if we stay a bit, do you?
Frodo: Zoot! 
Firiel: No, I am the spirit of Zoot's identical twin sister and the head wife, Queen Firiel. 
Frodo: Oh, well, excuse me, I-- 
Firiel: Where are you going? 
Frodo: I must find the elf maiden! I have seen her, here at the entrance to this barrow! 
Firiel: Oh, no. Oh, no! Bad, bad Zoot! 
Frodo: Well, what is it? 
Firiel: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot! She has been dressing up in her science fiction costume again, which, I have just remembered, makes her ears elf-shaped. It's not the first time we've had this sort of problem with her. She carries on about being a 'Romulan' or some other such rot...
Frodo: THAT was Zoot?! It wasn't a real elf? 
Firiel: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot! She is a bad disembodied entity and must pay the penalty, and here in the nether world, we have but one punishment for genre cross-dressing: you must tie her down over a crypt and spank her. 
Girls: A spanking! A spanking! 
Frodo: You can spank a ghost? Let alone tie one down?!
Firiel: Oh, my dear sweet innocent Frodo, not only is the answer to both questions very much 'yes,' well... let's just say we take things to a whole new level!
Frodo: (blinks a few times while his mouth is hanging open)
Firiel: So, you must spank her well, and after you have spanked her, you may deal with her as you like, and then, spank me. 
Amazing: And spank me. 
Stunner: And me. 
Lovely: And me. 
Firiel: Yes. Yes, you must give us all a good spanking! 
Girls: A spanking! A spanking! There is going to be a spanking in the old barrow tonight! 
Firiel: And after the spanking, the oral sex. 
Girls: The oral sex! The oral sex! 
Frodo: Well, after what an utter disappointment Tom Bombadil's turned out to be, I'm sure we could stay a bit longer...
Tom Bombadil: Frodo Baggins! 
Frodo: Oh, hello. 
Tom Bombadil: Quick! 
Merry: What? 
Tom Bombadil: Quick! 
Pippin: Why? 
Tom Bombadil: Frodo called my name and I am here to rescue you! You are all in great peril! 
Firiel: No, they aren't. 
Tom Bombadil: Silence, foul deceased temptress of the unwary! 
Pippin: You know, she's got a point. 
Tom Bombadil: Come on! I will sing the verses that will cover your escape! 
Frodo: Look, we're fine, just a bit pale is all... I really didn't mean to call for you, I was just saying it out of hand, sort of, and-- 
Tom Bombadil: Shrivel like the cold mist in the morning sunlight! Warm the heart and the stone, bane of the barrow wight! 
Girls: No, please! 
Merry: Now look, I can tackle this lot single-handed! 
Firiel: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed! 
Girls: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed! 
Tom Bombadil: No, Merry. Come on! 
Pippin: No! Really! Honestly, I can cope. I bet I can handle this lot easily. 
Firiel: Oh, yes. Let him handle us easily. 
Girls: Yes. Let him handle us easily. 
Tom Bombadil: Out among the growing lands, Go far beyond the burning sands...
Frodo: Please! I can overcome them! There's only a hundred-and-fifty of them! 
Firiel: Yes! Yes, he will beat us easily! We haven't a chance. 
Girls: We haven't a chance. He will beat us easily... 
Tom Bombadil: Feel the shining golden rays, warm, true, and bright!
[boom!] 
Firiel: Oh, ****.
Tom Bombadil: (singing the limerick all-together now)
Shrivel like the cold mist in the morning sunlight!
Warm the heart and the stone, bane of the barrow wight!
Out among the growing lands, 
Go far beyond the burning sands,
Feel the shining golden rays, warm, true, and bright!
Narrator: With a great rumble, the barrow mound splits open to the full onslaught of a noon-day sun... The ghostly maidens of Arthedain disappear as cool wisps of mist on a hot sunny day...
Tom Bombadil: You called for me just in the nick of time. You were in great peril. 
Frodo: Well, I don't think I was. 
Tom Bombadil: Yes, you were. You were all in terrible peril. 
Frodo: Look, let us go back in there and face the peril. 
Tom Bombadil: No, it's too perilous. 
Merry: Look, it's my honor as a Brandybuck to sample as much peril as I can. 
Tom Bombadil: No, you've got to get to Bree. Come on! 
Pippin: Oh, let us have just a little bit of peril? 
Tom Bombadil: No. It's unhealthy. 
Frodo: I bet you're gay. 
Tom Bombadil: Ummm... No, I'm not!





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Fellowship of the Ring: Scene 5
The Wizard's Insult Duel

Narrator: Meanwhile, Gandalf had reached the mighty fortification of Angrenost (called Isengard in the tongue of the Rohirrim) within the valley of Nan Curunir. Rising up from the midst of Angrenost's ring of stone was the impregnable Tower of Orthanc. Here within dwelt Saruman the White, Chief of Wizards.

Narrator: Within the tower, Gandalf's arrival has not gone unnoticed.
Saruman: (shoving and prodding orcs into a broom closet) Shhh! Shhh! Get in there! Get in there! No talking! No talking!
[knock, knock]
Saruman: Allo! Who is eet? 
Gandalf: It is I, Gandalf the Grey. I have come seeking your counsel on a most urgent matter.
Saruman: Well, okay, come right in then.

Gandalf: By all that is sacred, that is one heck of a damnable climb up those stairs!
Saruman: Ah, Mithrandir my friend-a. You are doing to much of that-a smoking, I am thinking. Come sit and rest awhile-a.
Gandalf: No time for rest, events are moving at a fast pace and we have no time to be idle.
Saruman: Yes indeed-e, you are right about that-a. That is why you must tell me where the ring can be found-a!
Gandalf: Ah, the one ring of the Dark Lord Sauron? The ring you once told us at council had been carried out to sea, as I recall?
Saruman: Yes, you snivelling cur of a pig-dog! I know that you know where it is-a! And I know that you know that I know that you know that-a too, so stop it with the playing as if-a your head is stuck up your bottom side-a!
Orcs: [chuckling and giggling in closet] 
Gandalf: Ha! So you have unmasked your evil designs for the ring at last, have you?! I would not tell you of it any sooner than I would tell the Dark One himself!
Saruman: Of course I have turned to evil, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper! What choice did I have with this outrageous accent! So, you thought you could out-clever me with your silly knees-bent running about in dancing behavior! You have given me no choice-a but to insult you into submission!
Gandalf: No! No, you frog-ish fiend! Not a wizard's insult duel?!
Saruman: Yes-indeed-e, oh boy! So take your best shot you son of a window-dresser! You tiny-brained wiper of other people's bottoms!
Gandalf: Thpppppt! Do your worst!
Saruman: Ah, you illegitimate faced buggertype-a! I **** in your general direction! Your mother was a midget-dwarf and your father smelt of pipe-weed!

Narrator: The wizard's duel was deadly and dramatic. In the end, Saruman prevailed through sheer ferocity and the ridiculousness of his accent...

Saruman: At last-a, you are beaten you silly pimple burster! I one more time-a unclog my nose in your direction! Now I shall put you on the top of my tower as a prisoner until the end-a!
Gandalf: (struggling weakly to raise himself) Until the end of what?
Saruman: Mind your own business! 
[With a wave of his staff, Saruman hurls a helpless Gandalf to the very roof of Orthanc]

Saruman: Yes, away with you and no more with your meddling or I shall taunt you a second time-a and make castanets out of your testicles already! Ha ha!


Fellowship of the Ring: Scene 6
'Bring Out Your Baggins!'

Narrator: The village of Bree, chief village of the Bree-land.
[thud] 
[clang] 
Bill Ferny: (Pushing a cart topped with several hobbits bundled with ropes) Bring out your Baggins!
[clang] 
Bill Ferny: Bring out your Baggins!
[clang]

Bring out your Baggins!
[clang] 
Bring out your Baggins! 
Harry: (Dragging a tied up hobbit) Here's one!
Bill Ferny: Right! He's worth nine silver pennies, that one is!
Ferdibrand: I'm not a Baggins!
Bill Ferny: What?
Harry: Nothing. Where's my silver pennies?
Ferdibrand: I'm not a Baggins!
Bill Ferny: What?
Harry: Nothing. Where's my silver pennies?
Ferdibrand: I'm not a Baggins!
Bill Ferny: 'Ere. He says he's not a Baggins!
Harry: Yes he is.
Ferdibrand: I'm not!
Bill Ferny: He isn't?
Harry: Well, he's related to one. His uncle's cousin's sister's nephew's brother's ex-roommate is a Baggins.
Ferdibrand: I don't have an Uncle! 
Harry: Yes you do. You're looking more like a Baggins by the minute, you are.
Bill Ferny: Oh, I can't take him if he's not. It's against Sharkey's regulations.
Ferdibrand: I don't want to go to Isengard!
Harry: Oh, don't be such a baby.
Bill Ferny: I can't take him.
Ferdibrand: I don't even know any Bagginses!
Harry: Well, do us a favor.
Bill Ferny: I can't.
Harry: Well, can you hang around a bit? Maybe I can get him to confess.
Bill Ferny: No, I've got to go out to Archet. They've found five today.
Harry: Well, when's your next round?
Bill Ferny: Thursday.
Ferdibrand: And my uncle's cousin doesn't even have a sister!
Harry: You're not fooling anyone you know. Look, I've got an idea...
Ferdibrand: (singing) I ain't got nobody... Nobody, cares for me...
[Ferdibrand is quickly gagged and a sticker is slapped on his jacket reading "Hi, my name is:" with the name "Baggins" crudely written on it] 
Harry: 'ere you are, thanks very much.
Bill Ferny: Not at all. See you on Thursday.
Harry: Right. All right.
[howl] 
[clop clop clop]
Who's that, then? 
Bill Ferny: I dunno. One of 'em must be the Baggins everyone is looking for, though. 
Harry: Why? 
Bill Ferny: Well, duh, those hobbits are the only ones being chased by black robed undead ring-wraiths...


----------



## Aulë (Feb 22, 2003)

Fellowship of the Ring: Scene 7
The Prancing Pony

Narrator: Frodo, Sam, Pippin, and Merry have arrived in Bree and have made their way to the Inn of the Prancing Pony.
Barliman Butterbur: Hobbits? Hobbits from the Shire?! That really should remind me of something... Oh well, probably nothing important then, come on in and make yourself comfortable.
Frodo: Thank you Mr. Butterbur.
Sam: (looking around the large crowded parlor suspiciously) I don't like the looks of some of these fellows...
Pippin: Food!

Merry: Beer!
Frodo: Right you are, my friends. We need food and drink, but we must be on our guard. Merry, Pippin! Make sure you stay here and don't mention my real name or anything about the ring either.
Pippin: Stay here and mention your real name and the ring.
Merry: Hic!
Frodo: No, no. Don't mention my real name or anything about the ring.
Pippin: Don't mention your real name or the ring, so don't stay here.
Frodo: No, no, no. You stay here and get some food and drink.
Pippin: And don't mention your real name or the ring.
Merry: Hic!
Frodo: Right.
Pippin: We don't need to do anything, apart from mentioning your real name.
Frodo: No, no. Don't mention my real name.
Pippin: Or about the ring, yes.
Frodo: All right?
Pippin: Right. Oh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if we...
Frodo: Yes, what is it?
Pippin: Oh, if-if, oh--
Frodo: Look, it's quite simple.
Pippin: Uh...
Frodo: You just stay here and don't mention my real name or anything about the ring. All right?
Merry: Hic!
Frodo: Right.
Pippin: Oh, I remember. Uh, can we leave the room if we take Sam with us?
Frodo: N- No no no. You just stay in here, and make sure--
Pippin: Oh, yes, we'll stay in here, obviously. But if we had to leave and we were with Sam--
Frodo: No, no, just stay in here--
Pippin: Get some food, drink, and mention your name-- 
Frodo: No, don't mention my real name-- 
Pippin: Don't mention your name. 
Merry: Hic! 
Frodo: Or the ring. 
Pippin: Or the ring. 
Frodo: Right? 
Pippin: Right, we'll stay here and get some food and drink. 
Frodo: And, uh, make sure you don't mention my name. 
Pippin: What? 
Frodo: Make sure you don't mention my name. 
Pippin: Frodo Baggins? 
Frodo: Yes, make sure you don't mention it. 
Pippin: Oh, yes, of course. I thought you meant Merry. Y'know, it seemed a bit daft, me not mentioning it to him when he already knows it too. 
Frodo: Is that clear? 
Merry: Hic! 
Pippin: Oh, quite clear, no problems. 
Frodo: Right. [starts to leave] Where are you going? 
Pippin: We're coming with you. 
Frodo: No no, I want you to stay here and get some food and drink. 
Pippin: Oh, I see. Right.
Strider: Hello, I'm looking for a Mr. Baggins from the Shire.

Pippin: Aren't you in luck! We brought one with us, show him your ring Frodo!
Sam: (Smacking forehead) Oop Ack!
Frodo: Shut your noise, Pippin! I'm Mr. "Underhill," you idiot!
Merry: Hic!
Frodo: Oh, Merry, go get a glass of water already.
Strider: Good thing for you that I am a friend of Gandalf's and am here to protect you. Your arrival has been observed and it isn't safe here. We will have to make a run for it first thing in the morning.
Frodo: Any chance we can "accidently" leave Pippen and Merry here?
Pippin: Ha, ha, what a kidder! (loudly) Hey everyone, come and meet Mr. "Underhill" with his plain, old, ordinary gold ring! Wink-wink, nudge-nudge, say-no-more, say-no-more!

Fellowship of the Ring: Narrative Interlude
Weathertop

Narrator: After a narrow escape in Bree, Strider and the Hobbits have continued east toward Rivendell. Just as night is falling, they arrive at the ruins of Amon Sul (meaning literally, in Sindarin, "Hill of Winds"), tallest and most southerly of the weather Hills.

Narrator: It is here that 5 of the black riders of Mordor, the Nazgul, catch up to them.
Head Nazgul: Ni!
Nazgul of Mordor: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
Frodo: Who are you?!
Head Nazgul: We are the ring-wraiths, The Nazgul Who Say... "Ni!"
Random Ni!
Frodo: No! Not the Nazgul Who Say... "Ni!"
Head Nazgul: The same!
Merry: Who are they?
Head Nazgul: We are the undead servants of Mordor, keepers of the sacred words: 'Ni', 'Peng', and 'Neee-wom'!
Random Neee-wom!
Frodo: Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale.
Head Nazgul: The Nazgul Who Say "Ni" demand a sacrifice.
Frodo: Nazgul of Ni, we are but poor simple traveling hobbits who--
Head Nazgul: Ni!
Nazgul of Mordor: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!...
Frodo: (viciously wounded) Ow! Ow! Ow! Agh!
Head Nazgul: We shall say "ni" again to you if you do not appease us.
Frodo: (struggling against the pain) Well, what is it you want?
Head Nazgul: We want... the ring!
[dramatic chord]
Frodo: Noooo!!!
Nazgul of Mordor: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
Frodo: Ow! Oh!
Pippin: Ow! Ow! Agh!
Merry: Ow! Oh! Ow!

Narrator: Just when all seemed lost, Strider jumps into the scene from out of the shadows brandishing a torch.

Strider: (waving his torch menacingly at the Nazgul) Pippin! Merry! Quick, drag Frodo behind these bushes!
Pippin: Sure, why not.
Merry: Right, okay.
Head Nazgul: It is of no use! We outnumber you 5 to 1 mortal!
Strider: (jumping behind the bushes with the hobbits) Ah ha, foul fiends! Do you not recognize what these bushes are?!
Head Nazgul: No! It can not be!
Strider: Yes!
Nazgul of Mordor: A shrubbery!
Head Nazgul: A nice looking one it is, but obviously not too expensive...
Strider: Yes, a shrubbery!
Head Nazgul: So, you have gained the upper hand this time, but we will meet again!
Strider: Ha! Now... go!

Narrator: Strider had narrowly saved the hobbits from the foul ring-wraiths, but Frodo was seriously wounded. Sam, who had fallen asleep earlier behind the shrubbery, missed the whole thing. Luckily, an elf from the home of Elrond chanced upon them and bore the unconscious Frodo to the "Last Homely House" - Rivendell.





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Fellowship of the Ring: Scene 8
A Mission From Elrond

Narrator: Rivendell. Imladris. The house of Elrond. Frodo finds himself wandering alone within the long halls and vast rooms of this the "last homely house east of the sea."

Hearing voices, he creeps quietly up to a doorway and carefully peers in. Inside the strangely dimly lit room is a man sitting in a chair. He is oddly clothed, even for a southron or man of the Haradrim. Standing around him are three tall imposing elves. Frodo strains to hear as one of the elves leans in close to the seated man...
Elrond: Welcome to Rivendell... MISTER Anderson.
Frodo: {GASP!}
Elrond: You know the thing I HATE about humans? It's the smell.
Frodo: (backing away from the door) No! This can not be!
Elrond: I feel SATURATED by it...
Gandalf: Frodo! Frodo Baggins!
Frodo: Auuugh!
Gandalf: Frodo! Wake up!
Frodo: No! Not the red medicine! No!!!
Gandalf: Wake up, Frodo! Confound it, wake up I say!
Frodo: Gandalf?! Oh, thank all that is sacred, it was all a dream!
Gandalf: Yes, you were deeply wounded by the foul Nazgul, but Elrond has tended to you and you have been restored to us. Now, if you are feeling well enough, we have been summoned to a council of the most grave importance.
Frodo: Yes, ah, well... yes, give me half a moment to change my undergarments and I'll be right out...

Narrator: With the ringing of a single clear bell, the council of Elrond was summoned. Bilbo Baggins was there, as were Gloin the dwarf and his son Gimli. Glorfindel and Erestor, elves of Elrond's house, as well as Galdor (an elf from the Grey Havens) and Legolas (son of Thranduil, King of the elves of northern Mirkwood) were all sitting one after another. Strider was also there, though now revealed as Aragorn - the last Heir of Isildur, as was another tall man of similar features called Boromir, son of the Steward of Gondor. (Got all that? Good, there will be a quiz later!)

Elrond: Frodo! Frodo Baggins, hobbit and ring bearer! 
[Flashing back to his disturbing dream, Frodo hits the floor]
Elrond: Oh, don't grovel! One thing I can't stand, it's people groveling. 
Frodo: Sorry. 
[Frodo gets up and sits in a nearby chair] 
Elrond: And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone it's "sorry this" and "forgive me that" and "I didn't know she was YOUR daughter." 
[Frodo bows his head]
Elrond: What are you doing now?! 
Frodo: I'm averting my eyes, Master Elrond. 
Elrond: Well, don't. It's like reading the Silmarillion-- it's so depressing. Now, knock it off! 
Frodo: Yes, sir. 
Elrond: Right! Frodo, Baggins and hobbit of the first order, the ring you bear must be cast into the fires of Mount Doom and destroyed! 
Frodo: Good idea, Elrond! 
Elrond: 'Course it's a good idea! Listen! 

Frodo, as long as this ring exists, Sauron's power can not be vanquished. The ring MUST be destroyed!
Frodo: Ummm... I can not do it alone.
Gandalf: Well, don't whine about it, I'll go with you.
Aragorn: And you shall have my sword!
Legolas: And my bow!
Gimli: And my ax!
Pippin and Merry: Count us in!
Sam: Ummm... Can I pack a lunch?
Boromir: My schedule appears free, so I'll tag along. No larceny on my mind, nope, none at all.
Elrond: Good, for the nine riders, the cursed Nazgul who say "Ni," that he has sent against us, so shall we send a fellowship of nine against him. This is your quest, Frodo, to put an end to Sauron and his evil once and for all. The quest of the fellowship of the ring!
Frodo: Yes, okay, good! Thank you! Thank you all! Oh, I am SOOO screwed...


----------



## Aulë (Feb 22, 2003)

Fellowship of the Ring: Scene 9
The Fellowship and the Three Misty Mountains

Narrator: The fellowship had journeyed a fortnight when the weather turned bitter and cold. They had come to the three greatest peaks of the Misty Mountains, under which the dwarves of old had delved deep; Caradhras the Redhorn, Celebdil the Silver-tine, and Fanuidhol the Cloudyhead. Toward the Dimrill Dale to the Redhorn Gate, under the far side of Caradhras, Gandalf guides them while Legolas cheers the fellowship with song...

Legolas: [singing] 
O! What are we doing and where are we going?
Death we are wooing! Toward the dark power growing!
O! tra-la-la-lally we go through the valley! ha! ha!

O! It's Frodo they're seeking, and if he is taken,
By Orcs that are reeking, his rear will be bakin'!
O! tril-lil-lil-lolly the quest is jolly, ha! ha!

O! Hobbits are true and our Frodo isn't afraid!
To die and turn blue or be diced with a blade!
And Pippen and Merry cooked with gooseberry, ha! ha!

O! They are not scared, or frightened away!
To be skewered, pared, served as a Goblin entree!

O! Frodo's eyes gouged out, his bowels unplugged,
To be hung by the snout, he's not the least bugged!

O! His skin slowly peeled, his brains turned to muck,
His blood all congealed, his skull they will--

Frodo: Whoa!!! That's-- that's, uh-- that's enough music for now, Legolas! Heh. Looks like the snow is really coming down... 
Legolas: But Bilbo said you really enjoyed Elvish singing, Frodo...
CARADHRAS: [Halt! Who art thou?]
CELEBDIL: [Caradhras, you idiot! We are mountains, they can't hear us!]
FANUIDHOL: [What? We've got company?]
Frodo: Oh it was, a--, it was lovely and all, but the snow is getting quite difficult now...

Gimli: I'm telling you, we should go through Khazad-dum! My cousin Balin will be more than--
Gandalf: Oh shut up already Gimli! We've heard enough from you about it every day for the last two weeks. We need to get through the Redhorn Gate if we can!
CARADHRAS: [Ack! A Dwarf! I shall have to kill them.]
Boromir: The snow is getting so fierce and deep it's becoming impossible to go forward!
CELEBDIL: [Shall I cause a snow slide?]
Pippin: Wow, who would have guessed all the white stuff on top of the mountains was snow, anyway?
FANUIDHOL: [Oh, I don't think so.]
Legolas: It's not bothering me at all. See, I can walk right over it...
CARADHRAS: [Well, what do I think?]
Aragorn: Shouldn't that be physically impossible, Legolas? 

Legolas: Not at all, Aragorn! See these mesh frame things? They are called "snowshoes" in the old tongue.
CELEBDIL: [I think bury them.]
FANUIDHOL: [Oh, let's be nice to them.]
CELEBDIL: [Oh, shut up.]
CARADHRAS: [And you. Oh, quick! I want to bury them in an avalanche!]
FANUIDHOL: [Oh, go bury yourself!]
CELEBDIL: [Yes, do us all a favour!]
CARADHRAS: [What?]
FANUIDHOL: [Quaking all the time.]
Gandalf: The way has become to perilous! There must be a foul influence at work here!

CELEBDIL: [You're lucky. You're not next to him.]
CARADHRAS: [What do you mean?]
CELEBDIL: [You rumble!]
CARADHRAS: [Oh, I don't. Anyway, you're tottering.]
CELEBDIL: [Well, it's only because you are crushing up against me.]
FANUIDHOL: [Oh, stop bitching and let's go back to sleep.]
CARADHRAS: [Oh, all right. All right. All right. We'll bury them in snow first and then back to sleep and rumbling.]
CELEBDIL: [Yes.]
FANUIDHOL: [Oh, not rumbling.]
CARADHRAS: [All right. All right, no rumbling, but let's bury them anyway.]
ALL THREE MOUNTAINS: [Right!] 

CELEBDIL: [They've buggered off.]
FANUIDHOL: [So they have. They've scarpered.]

Gandalf: Legolas, couldn't you have brought enough of those shoes for everybody?!
Legolas: Look, I'm sorry, but I simply didn't get the memo--
Gimli: Well I said all along we should go through Khazad-dum. That my cousin Balin will be more than--
Everyone: Shut up Gimli!

Fellowship of the Ring: Scene 10
The Doors of Kazad-dum

Narrator: Following the near disastrous attempt to cross through the Redhorn Gate, the fellowship has made it's way to the Hollin gate of Kazad-dum. By a large dark and menacingly still lake, the doors are between two ancient and immense trees.

Pippin: Hoy! Nice doors!

Gimli: They are marked with the emblems of Durin!
Legolas: And with the Tree of the High Elves!
Gandalf: And the Star of the House of Feanor.
Frodo: What does the writing say? I thought I knew the elf-letters, but I cannot read these.
Gandalf: The words are in the elven-tongue of the West of Middle-earth in the Elder Days, but they do not say anything of importance to us.
Sam: All the same, I'd like to hear what they say.
Gandalf: Well, over here is a series of names that have been crossed out and over-written... Durin's Kazad-dum... Hotel Khalifornia... Kilroy was here... All your base are belong to us... Mines of Moria, under new management - signed Balin.
Gimli: Balin!
Boromir: That's all well and good, but how do we get in?
Gandalf: Over here it says "Speak, friend, and enter."
Merry: What does it mean by that?
Gimli: That is plain enough, if you are a friend, speak the password, and the doors will open.
Gandalf: What that word is, however, has long since passed out of recorded memory.
Boromir: You don't know the password?!
Gandalf: No!
Boromir: Oh, we are screwed!

[Boromir casts a large stone far into the water]
Frodo: Don't disturb this foul pool!
Boromir: Sorry, I thought I saw something moving out there...
Pippin: I've got it! Why don't we say the word "friend" in every language we can think of!
Gandalf: Oh, fool of a Took! Don't be ridiculous!
Legolas: What a loon!
Gimli: Silly hobbit, it wouldn't be THAT simple!
Pippin: I guess it does sound rather moronic...
Gandalf: I know! Why don't we use the Holy Hand Grenade of Elendil!
Frodo: The what?
Gandalf: The Holy Hand Grenade of Elendil. 'Tis one of the several dozen relics of Isildur that Aragorn lugs around with him.
Boromir: Yes. Of course.
Gandalf: (shouting) Aragorn, get out the Holy Hand Grenade!
Frodo: How does it, um-- how does it work? 
Gandalf: Well, I don't know. 
Aragorn: Hold on, I think I've got an instruction manual in here somewhere... Right! The Noldor Book of Armaments! 

Gandalf: Let us turn to the Noldor Book of Weapons and Armaments... Chapter 143, verses nine to twenty-one.
It came to pass that Celebrimbor did cast his gaze upon the wickedness of Sauron and became quite hacked at him for his treachery. And Celebrimbor raised the Hand Grenade up on high, saying, 'O Sacred Valar, bless this Thy Holy Hand Grenade that, with it, Thou mayest blow Thine dark and mischievous enemies to tiny bits in Thy mercy.'
And the Eldar did grin, and the Numenoreans did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and and large chu--
Aragorn: Skip a bit, Gandalf! It looks like something large and monstrous in the lake is moving towards us!
Gandalf: Ummm... Right! And Celebrimbor spake, saying, 'First shalt thou pull thy pin from the top of thine Holy Hand Grenade. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number of thy count, and the number of thy count shall be three. Four shalt shalt not the count be, nor either two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once thy count is three, being the third number, be reached, then, lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.'
Aragorn: Right! 
One!... Two!... Five! 
Frodo: Three, Aragorn! 
Aragorn: Three! 

[BOOOMMM!!!]

Fellowship of the Ring: Scene 11
The Balroooggggg of Moria

Frodo and the Fellowship have become lost and trapped within the old dwarven mines of Khazad-dum...
Frodo: There! A bloodied book!
Aragorn: What does it say?
Sam: What language is that?
Frodo: Master Gandalf! You are a wizard, do you know these markings?

Gandalf: Dwarvish... It's from Balin!
Gimli: Of course Balin the Dwarf would write in Dwarvish you silly gits!
Legolas: 'Course!
Frodo: What does it say?
Gandalf: It reads, 'Here may be found the last words of Balin son of Fundin. We are trapped. There is no way to get out. If you are reading this, you're screwed. Beware Durin's Bane! Beware the Balroooggggg...
Frodo: What?
Gandalf: '... the Balroooggggg...'
Borimir: What is that?
Gandalf: Maybe they were playing a pick-up game of basketball with the Orcs and he meant ball-hog.
Gimli: Oh, come on!
Gandalf: Well, he could have.
Frodo: Look, if he was playing basketball, he wouldn't bother to write complaining about a ball-hog. He'd just whack him with his axe!
Gandalf: Well, that's what's recorded in the book!
Pippen: Perhaps he was goal tending.
Frodo: Oh, shut up. Well, does it say anything else?
Gandalf: No. Just, 'Balroooggggg'.
Aragorn: Balroooggggg.
Frodo: Balroooggggg.
Merry: Do you suppose he meant Balrooghamy?
Aragorn: Where's that?
Boromir: In the Dunland, I think.
Legolas: Don't the Harad have a Balrogodog?
Frodo: No, that's Dalrogadog.
Aragorn: Oh, yes. Dalrogadog.
Everyone: Dalrogadog.
Sam: Dear God!
Aragorn: No, no. 'Dalrogadog', like the one in that song by the Jackson-Rhun 5. Dalrogadog.
Sam: N-- no. No, no, no, no. 'Dear God', in surprise and alarm.
Aragorn: Oh, you mean sort of a 'Dear Me'!
Sam: Yes, but I-- aaaaaah!
Frodo: Oooh!
Aragorn: By the light of Earendil's star!
[dramatic chord]
[roar]
Gandalf: It's the Bane of Durin! A Balrog!!!
[The incredibly large, flaming, monstrous Balrog rambles toward the Fellowship brandishing a fiery sword and whip]
Sam: That's it! That's it!
Frodo: Run away!
Everyone: Run away!
[roar]
Run away! Run awaaay! Run awaaaaay!
[roar]


----------



## Aulë (Feb 22, 2003)

Keep running!
[more roaring and flames]
[roar]
Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!...
Sam: We've lost him.
[roar]
Everyone: Aagh! Keep running!
Gandalf: We are... [huff] so... [puff] screwed.
Boromir: We just have to keep running. 
Gandalf: (falling behind huffing and puffing - he's a smoker) It... [huff] matters not! [huff-puff] You cannot... [cough] outrun the... [huff-puff] Balrog! [cough-hack]
Legolas: We don't have to...
Gimli: ... we just have to out run YOU!
Narrator: As the horrendous Balrog lunged forward, escape for the Fellowship seemed hopeless, when suddenly, Gandalf turned and (using his wizard's staff) smashed the stone bridge he had just crossed in a desperate bid to save his out-of-breathe wheezing arse. The Balrog fell, but unfortunately took Gandalf with him.
Gandalf: Ulk! [cough-hack!]
Narrator: The "Bane of Durin" peril was no more. The quest of the Fellowship of the Ring could continue...





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The Fellowship of Ring: Scene 12
'An Eagle Carrying A Wizard?'

Frodo: Whoa there! 
[everyone comes to a halt at the outskirts of beautiful and wonderous Lothlorien] 
Elf #1: Halt! Who goes there? 
Frodo: It is I, Frodo Baggins of the Shire, member of the Fellowship of the Ring. Bearer of the great and evil ring of Sauron, charged with a quest by Elrond of Rivendell to save all Middle Earth! 
Elf #1: And the other one? 
Frodo: And this is my trusty servant Sam.

We have journeyed the length and breadth of the land in search of those who will aid us in our quest against the evil of Mordor. I must speak with the Lord and Lady of the Galadrim! 
Elf #1: Hey, weren't you supposed to be traveling with a wizard? 
Frodo: Yes! 
Elf #1: Well, where is he? 
Frodo: He has fallen in a horrible and epic battle with the foul Balrog of Moria. 
Elf #1: How did he manage to escape from Isengard to begin with? 
Frodo: What does it matter? We have traveled since the snows of fury covered the mountains, through the mines of Moria, through-- 
Elf #1: Where'd he catch up with you? 
Frodo: In Rivendell. 
Elf #1: At Elrond's? In Rivendell? All the way from Isengard?!? 
Frodo: What do you mean? 
Elf #1: Well, it was simply to far to travel in so short of time! 
Frodo: The eagles may fly south with the sun or the dragons or the ravens may seek warmer climes in winter yet these are not strangers to our land. 
Elf #1: Are you suggesting wizards fly like eagles, that they migrate? 
Frodo: Not at all, they could be carried. 
Elf #1: What -- an eagle carrying a wizard? 
Frodo: It could grip him by the arms! 
Elf #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A hundred pound eagle cannot carry a hundred and eighty pound wizard. 
Frodo: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell Lord Celeborn and Lady Galadriel that Frodo Baggins of the Shire is here. 
Elf #1: Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, an eagle needs to beat its wings thirty-two times every second, right? 
Frodo: Please! 
Elf #1: Am I right? 
Frodo: I'm not interested! 
Elf #2: It could be a northern eagle! 
Elf #1: Oh, yeah, a northern eagle maybe, but not a regular southern eagle, that's my point. 
Elf #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that... 
Frodo: Will you please ask your Lord and Lady if they will aid us in our quest?! 
Elf #1: But then of course northern eagles don't go far from their nests. 
Elf #2: Oh, yeah... 
Elf #1: So one wouldn't have gone all the way to Isengard anyway... 
[Frodo and the remaining members of the fellowship walk past the arguing elves in disgust and proceed on without them] 
Elf #2: Wait a minute -- Supposing two eagles carried a wizard together? 
Elf #1: No, they'd have to have it on a line of some type... 
Elf #2: Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper! 
Elf #1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers? 
Elf #2: Well, why not? 





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Fellowship of the Ring: Scene 13
Lord and Lady of the Galadrim

Celeborn: Welcome! Welcome to Caras Galadon!
Frodo: Thank you, you are most generous to offer us shelter and rest from our burdens.

Galadriel: But there are only eight of you. We were warned-- er... told that the fellowship was of nine.
Aragorn: Alas! Gandalf the Grey fell into shadow. He remained in Moria and did not escape.
Celeborn: These are evil tidings, the most evil spoken here in long years full of grievous deeds...
Frodo: Yes, our grief is great and our loss cannot be mended.
Galadriel: Put aside your despair for a time, dear Frodo, because you are about to be the next contestant on... "Who wants to be an Elven-heir?!"
Frodo: What?! Me?!
Galadriel: Yes! Haldir, tell our contestant what he'll be playing for today.
Haldir: Certainly m'lady, Frodo you'll be competing for the grand prize of a free luxury comfort trip to far away Mount Doom to fulfill your quest with ease... complete with an escort of all the armed might of the Elven kingdoms of Middle-Earth! Fail, and you'll get some lovely parting gifts and have to walk there by yourselves while we hightail it west.
Galadriel: Are you ready for the first question?
Frodo: (visibly breaking out in a sweat) Yes, okay, sure...
Celeborn: For our first question, what is the creature Gollum's real name?
Frodo: Oh, that's an easy one! Gandalf told me it was Smeagol!
Galadriel: Correct!
Haldir: Excellent answer, you and your party have just won these lovely Elven hooded travelling cloaks with beautiful leaf-shaped brooches made with authentic green enamel and genuine silver plating! Each is lovingly embroidered with our "Who wants to be an Elven-heir?!" logo.
Pippin: Ooooowww!
Merry: Ahhhhh!
Celeborn: Next question, by what type of weapon was the dragon Smaug the Golden slain?
Legolas: Oh! Oh! I know this one!
Galadriel: Shhh! No helping unless Frodo uses one of his three "lifelines."
Frodo: Ummm... it was a fellow called Bard the Bowman of Esgaroth that shot him with... an arrow, I believe.
Celeborn: Is that your final answer?
Frodo: Y-yes... arrow is my final answer.
Celeborn: Well, I'm a afraid that is absolutely... correct!
Haldir: Yes Frodo, you have just won a full month's supply of Lembas! Yes, Lembas, that wonderful tasty treat passed down to us from the legendary Elves of Keebler!
Sam: Whooohooo!
Celeborn: For our next question, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, how many times does a southern eagle need to beat his wings a minute? 
Frodo: Hoy! I don't know that, let me use one of my lifelines please!
Galadriel: Alright Frodo, do you want to a) ask the other members of your party, b) choose between two possible answers, or c) contact someone.
Frodo: I would like to contact Radagast the Brown, please.
[Galadriel pours a silver pitcher of water from her fountain into a basin]
Galadriel: Gaze into my mirror.
[Frodo looks into the blue water. After a moment, a pale white triangular sign floats to the surface. It reads... "Try Again Later"]
Galadriel: Ack! Ruddy mirror!
[Galadriel gives the basin a shake and the message swirls out of sight]
Radagast: Hello?
Celeborn: Greetings Radagast, this is Celeborn calling from "Who wants to be an Elven-heir?!"
Radagast: Oh! Splendid! How may I be of service?
Frodo: Salutations sir, I need to know how many times does a southern eagle need to beat his wings a minute to maintain air-speed velocity?
Radagast: Hmmm... Indeed. A southern eagle, you say? Not a northern one?
Frodo: Yes, a southern eagle Master Radagast.
Radagast: 42! No, no! Wait, that's the answer to something else, no wait...
Galadriel: Your time limit is running out!
Radagast: Oh yes! Of course! It's thir--
Celeborn: Alas! The connection ran out of time! Are you ready with your answer Frodo?
Frodo: I think I'd like to use another lifeline if I may!
Galadriel: Alright, would you like to a) ask the other members of your party or b) choose between two possible answers?
[Frodo casts a glance at the faces of his nervous and clueless companions]
Frodo: I'd like to choose between two answers, please.
Galadriel: Your two possible answers are... 32 and 33.
[Frodo smacks his forehead with his hand]
Frodo: Oh, I'm screwed!
Celeborn: Your answer is?
Frodo: 33. I'm going to go with 33.
Celeborn: Is that your final answer?
Frodo: Ruddy-hel, yes already!
Celeborn: Well Frodo, it just so happens that 33 is completely... incorrect!
Everyone: Doh!
Galadriel: Oh, so sorry! Haldir, tell our guest what they will be receiving today for being on our show.


----------



## Aulë (Feb 22, 2003)

Haldir: Certainly Lady Galadriel! Starting with our contestant Frodo, we have a nifty glow-in-the-dark crystal vial of water from Galadriel's fountain!
Frodo: Ummm... That water is from the same fountain we were drinking out of earlier? I suddenly feel a bit quesy...
Haldir: For Aragorn, our parting gift today is a lovely sheath for your sword!
Aragorn: Wow, thanks! It's been a real pain carrying this thing around without one.
Haldir: And for Boromir, we have this handsome gold colored belt!
Boromir: Nice. Not wonderful, but nice.
Haldir: For our cousin from the north, Legolas, we have this bow and quiver of arrows!
Legolas: Spify!
Haldir: Merry and Pippin of the Shire, for you we have these rugged and fashionable silver colored belts!
Merry: Ohhh!
Pippin: Shiny!
Haldir: We started running low on gifts, but for master Samwise we were able to come up with this fabulous... box of soil!
Sam: Gee, thanks. Is there anything special about the dirt?
Celeborn: Why yes, we scooped it up from right over there.
Sam: Okay...
Haldir: And now last, but certainly not least, for Gimli we have... a wish!
Gimli: A wish?
Galadriel: Yes, my dear dwarf, a wish! After we finished cleaning out my closet-- er... I mean... clearing out our supply of gifts, we realized that we were one short. So, you are therefore granted one wish provided it is within our power to provide it for you.
Merry: Whoa! All I got was a lousy belt!
Gimli: If I may, m'lady, I would but ask for a single strand of your golden hair to make into an heirloom for my family in remembrance of your kindness and unsurpassed beauty...
Galadriel: I shall give you three strands, my bashful flatterer! Now please load up in these boats and be on your way.

Celeborn: Right. Nice having you here and all, let us know how it turns out!
[The fellowship gets into the boats and quickly travel along the water of the Silverlode]
Gimli: I shall treasure the wonder of Lothlorien forever... and the beauty of it's lady--
Pippin: Oh! Gimli, you are such a wanker!
Gimli: What?!
Pippin: You could have asked her for just about anything!
Merryn: Yeah, maybe even something involving nudity!
Gimli: Doh!!!





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Fellowship of the Ring: Narrative Interlude
'Meanwhile, back in Isengard...'

Narrator: Frodo had indeed won several fabulous prizes and some nice parting gifts from the Lord and Lady of the Galadrim, but the members of the fellowship were still deeply disheartened by the loss of Gandalf.
Pippin: Hey guys, look at all the cool towels and bath soaps Merry and I got from the Galadon Inn!
Narrator: Meanwhile, the wizard Saruman, not more than a eagle's flight away in Isengard, was about to unleash his ultimate weapon upon the fellowship. Oh, that's a northern eagle's flight, obviously. I mean, they were more than two southern eagles' flights away-- four, really, if they had a wizard on a line between them. I mean, if the eagles were walking and dragging-- 
Crowd of Hobbits: Get on with it! 
Narrator: Oh, anyway. On to scene twenty-four, which is a smashing scene with some lovely acting, in which Frodo discovers a vital secret about Boromir, and in which there aren't any eagles, although I think you can hear a starling--
[WHACK!!!]
Narrator: Oooh! I say! Well, alright then... meanwhile, back in Isengard...
Saruman: Yes-indeed-e, oh boy! And now-a I unleash... "La Vache de Guerre!" Ze fighting Uruk-Cow-a!!!

Uruk-Cow: MooOOOooooOOOOO!
Saruman: Now go my unbeatable-type hordes and bring me Hobbits-a!!!
Orcs: Grrraghhhahh!!! Get the Hobbits!
Uruk-Cow: Moo moo moo!!!





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Fellowship of the Ring: Scene 14
The Bridge at the Falls of Rauros

Narrator: Following the river Anduin, the fellowship passes the "Pillars of the Kings," ancient and towering Argonath.

Aragorn: Long have I desired to look upon the likenesses of Isildur and Anarion, my sires of old. Under their shadow Elessar, the Elfstone son of Arathron of the House of Valandil Isildur's son, heir of Elendil, has not to dread! WhoOOooOOAA!!!
[SPLASH!]
Pippin: Really now-- you would think that Aragorn-whatever-his-name-Elessar there would know better than to stand up in the ruddy boat!
Haldir: Hmmm... It's a good thing Lady Galadriel told me to accompany you lot to the Falls of Rauros.

Narrator: At long last they can go no further along the river with the elven boats given them by the Lord and Lady of the Galadrim. Now they must face the Bridge at the Falls of Rauros...

Legolas: There it is! 
Aragorn: The Bridge at the Falls of Rauros!
Boromir: Oh, great. 
Frodo: Look! There's the old man that was hanging out at the Prancing Pony in scene 7!
Sam: What is he doing here? 
Aragorn: He is the keeper of the Bridge at the Falls of Rauros. He asks each traveller five questions-- 
Legolas: Three questions. 
Aragorn: Three questions. He who answers the five questions-- 
Legolas: Three questions. 
Aragorn: Three questions may cross in safety. 
Merry: What if you get a question wrong? 
Aragorn: Then you are cast beyond the Falls of Rauros into Gorge of Eternal Forum Flaming. 
Pippin: Oh, I won't go. 
Gimli: Who's going to answer the questions? 
Aragorn: Boromir! 
Boromir: Yes? 
Aragorn: My brave kinsman Boromir of Gondor, you go. 
Boromir: Hey! I've got a great idea. Why doesn't Frodo go? I'll even hold his ring for him--
Frodo: Yes. Let me go. I will put on my ring and take him single-handed. I shall make a feint to the north-east that s--
Aragorn: No, no. No. Hang on! Hang on! Hang on! Just answer the five questions--
Legolas: Three questions.
Aragorn: Three questions as best you can, and we shall watch... and pray to the Valar for guidance.
Frodo: I understand, no problem.
Aragorn: Good luck, brave Frodo of the Shire. May the light of Earendil's star be with you.
Bridgekeeper: Stop! 

Who would cross the Falls of Rauros Bridge must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see. 
Frodo: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid. 
Bridgekeeper: What... is your name? 
Frodo: My name is Frodo Baggins. 
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest? 
Frodo: To cast the one ring of Sauron into the fires of Mount Doom. 
Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour? 
Frodo: Blue. 
Bridgekeeper: Right. Off you go. 
Frodo: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. 
Boromir: That's easy! 
Bridgekeeper: Stop! Who approacheth the Falls of Rauros Bridge must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see. 
Boromir: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid. 
Bridgekeeper: What... is your name? 
Boromir: Boromir, son of Steward Denethor the second. 
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest? 
Boromir: To destroy the power of Sauron. 
Bridgekeeper: What... was the first capital of Arthedain? 
[pause] 
Boromir: I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh! 
Bridgekeeper: Stop! What... is your name? 
Haldir: Haldir of Lothlorien. 
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest? 
Haldir: To get these silly gits across this bridge. 
Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour? 
Haldir: Blue. No, yel-- auuuuuuuugh! 
Bridgekeeper: Hee hee heh. Stop! What... is your name? 
Aragorn: It is Aragorn, the Elessar, the Elfstone son of Arathron of the House of Valandil Isildur's son, heir of Elendil! 
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest? 
Aragorn: To destroy the one ring and power of Sauron. 
Bridgekeeper: What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen eagle? 
Aragorn: What do you mean? A southern or northern eagle? 
Bridgekeeper: Huh? I-- I don't know that. Auuuuuuuugh! 
Legolas: How do know so much about eagles? 
Aragorn: Well, you have to know these things if you are going to be a king, you know. 
[suspenseful music] 
[music suddenly stops] 
[intermission] 
[suspenseful music resumes] 

Fellowship of the Ring: Scene 15
Breaking of the Fellowship

Narrator: Just as Aragorn, the Elessar, the Elfstone son of Arathron of the House of-- Oh, dash it all, you know who I'm talking about already! Anyway, just as he was about to cross the infamous Bridge at the Falls of Rauros, the horde of Saruman attacked.

Orcs: Aaaarrrghhhahh!
Uruk-Cow: MooOOOooooOOOOOOO!!!

Narrator: Seeing that they were heavily outnumbered, Aragorn used his famed sword Anduril to cut the lines of the bridge to protect the ringbearer, Frodo, who had already crossed.
Merry: Doh!
Pippin: What a wanker!

Narrator: As Gimli, Legolas, Merry and Pippin fought off the horde of orcs, Aragorn squared off against the dreaded Uruk-Cow...


----------



## Aulë (Feb 22, 2003)

Aragorn: You fight with the strength of many men and orcs, Uruk-cow. 
[pause] 
I am Aragorn, heir of Elendil. 
[pause] 
I beseech you to cast aside the tainted influence of Saruman and join in our struggle against the evil forces that threaten men and bovine alike. 
[pause] 
You have proved yourself worthy. Will you not join me? 
[snort] 
You make me sad. So be it.
Uruk-Cow: Moo moo moo. 
Aragorn: What? 
Uruk-Cow: Moo moo moo. 
Aragorn: I have no quarrel with you, good cow, but I must aid my companions. 
Uruk-Cow: MooOOOooo mooo moo. 
Aragorn: I command you, as the heir of Elendil, to stand aside! 
Uruk-Cow: (SNORT) MoooOOooooOOO. 
Aragorn: So be it! 
Aragorn and Uruk-Cow: Aaah!, moo!, hiyaah!, moOOOoo!, etc... 
[Aragorn chops the Uruk-Cow's left front leg off] 
Aragorn: Now stand aside, worthy adversary. 
Uruk-Cow: Moo MoooOOOoo Mooooo.
Aragorn: A scratch? Your leg's off! 
Uruk-Cow: Moo, moooMooooo. 
Aragorn: Well, what's that then, a ruddy porterhouse? 
Uruk-Cow: Moo moo moo. 
Aragorn: You've had worse?! You liar! 
Uruk-Cow: MoooOOOoooOOoo! 
[clang] 
Huyah! 
[clash] 
Mooooo! 
[smash] 
Aaaaahah! 
[Aragorn chops the Uruk-Cow's right front leg off]
Aragorn: Victory is mine! 
[kneeling] 
We thank Thee Scared Valar, that in Thy mer-- 
Uruk-Cow: Moo! 
[kick] 
Aragorn: What? 
Uruk-Cow: MooOOO moo! 
[kick] 
Aragorn: Eh. You are indeed brave, noble cow, but the fight is mine. 
Uruk-Cow: Moo, mooOOOoooOO? 
Aragorn: Look, you stupid bastard. You've got no front legs left. 
Uruk-Cow: Moo, MoOOooo. 
Aragorn: No you don't, look! 
Uruk-Cow: MoooOOOOooOOOOO. 
[kick] 
Aragorn: Look, now stop that. 
Uruk-Cow: Moooooo! 
[kick] 
Aragorn: Look, I'll have your back leg. 
[kick] 
Right! 
[whop] 
[Aragorn chops the Uruk-Cow's right back leg off] 
Uruk-Cow: MOOOO. MoooOOOOOooo moo MOOOOO! 
Aragorn: You'll what? 
Uruk-Cow: Mooo MoooOOOOO! 
Aragorn: Come over there? What are you going to do, squirt milk at me? 
Uruk-Cow: Mooo MOOOOOOOOOOO! 
Aragorn: You're a looney. 
Uruk-Cow: MoooOOOOOO! Moo moooOOOOoooo! Mooo, moo. 
[whop] 
[Aragorn chops the Uruk-Cow's last leg off] 
Uruk-Cow: Moo? MoooOOOOoo, mooo-mooOOOooo mooo. 
Aragorn: Hah! A draw, eh? Ruddy mad cow... What's the situation Legolas?
Legolas: We have slain a great many of the orcs, but they managed to grab Merry and Pippin during the fight and carry them off! I can find no sign of Sam, he must have already crossed the bridge before the battle.
Aragorn: Blast! We have no way to get across the river, so our only option is to attempt to rescue Merry and Pippin.
Gimli: (looking over at the Uruk-Cow) You know, the Hobbits ate all the Lembas... and Lothlorien was the last time we had a decent meal...
Aragorn: True, Gimli, but if we set off now we will have a better chance of catching up to the orcs. What do you think Legolas?
Legolas: I think I've got dibs on those ribs right there--
Uruk-Cow: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! 

Frodo: Looks like it is just you and I, Sam. The others shall have to fend for themselves.
Sam: Yeah, what a bunch of wankers. It's just us now against the awesome might and power of Mordor and the furious evil of Sauron!
Frodo: [SIGH] I am soooo screwed.

To be continued in... Monty Python: The Two Towers!


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## Morgoth (Feb 22, 2003)

Blimey! That's fantastic. Absolutely incredible. Pippin Took, thank you for bringing this ray of happiness into my life.


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## Wonko The Sane (Feb 22, 2003)

I CAN'T BELIEVE I READ THE WHOLE THING!!!!
I HAVE NO LIFE!!!
 But that is SERIOUSLY funny!


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## omnipotent_elf (Feb 22, 2003)

yeah, thanx pip


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## Wonko The Sane (Feb 22, 2003)

Wormtongue to Saruman: Talk talk talk!! That's all you ever do!!

STOP WHINING!!! I'm so NOT going to be your minion anymore!


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## Morgoth (Feb 23, 2003)

This is a Silmaril Characters version of Things they would never say:
Morgoth (cast into the void): All right, we'll call it a draw
Turin Turambar: I'm the luckiest man alive
Feanor: Ah, they were'nt that pretty anyway


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## Wonko The Sane (Feb 23, 2003)

Sam to the orcs in the tower: You know what, you're right. Frodo is kind of a wuss...In fact...let me have a hand with that whip!


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## Aulë (Feb 23, 2003)

Eowyn to Wormtongue
"Oh, You sexy beast!"


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## Wonko The Sane (Feb 23, 2003)

There's no "m" in Eowyn.

Wormtongue to Eomer: "Forget your sister...it's YOU I want!"


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## Aulë (Feb 23, 2003)

What are you talking about??? 

Treebeard: We must go to the Entroot!
(if the Entwives were still around...)


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## Wonko The Sane (Feb 23, 2003)

Pippin: Hey, Denethor...dude...your shoe's untied.


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## Morgoth (Feb 23, 2003)

Sam: That's it. You can stuff your ring, I'm going home!


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## Emowyn (Feb 23, 2003)

Legolas when running through Rohan: OOWWWW! My feet hurt...I'm hungry....I'm so tired....can we stop?......Are we there yet?

ok that was bad  probs already been done too...hey, so sue me!


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## Wonko The Sane (Feb 23, 2003)

Legolas overheard arguing with Galadriel late into the night: I am SOOO prettier than you!! I mean it!!! What?! What do you mean old?!?! I have no wrinkles?! Roots?! You can see my roots?! Oh my...Fine!!! I'm taking my hair ties and my barettes and I'm going home!


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## Sador (Feb 23, 2003)

*Tasteless gags*

Aragorn: 
Seventy-odd years of living rough, do you have any idea how bad hemmaeroids can get?
Sam:
Time for your sponge-bath Mr Fodo sir.
Gimli:
"Three strands of hair?!? How stingy can an elf queen get?"
Gandalf:
"Just the low-tar leaf thanks, I'm cutting down"
Boromir:
"Bloody halflings, can't take a joke!"
Legolas:
"What a feast! I got completely Legless!"


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## reem (Feb 24, 2003)

The nine Nazgul, with their captain in the head, bow low to Sauron.
"My Lord, we have brought you the Ring!" Says their captian in his
terrible voice, presenting his master with the Ring on a red Cusion and still bowing respectfully.
...they all wait (still bowing) but nothing happens. 
"My Lord," starts the Captain again, uncertainly. "Your foes are all dead. Those left alive are in such misery and torment as only your servants can impose! You are King!! All is now under your Power! the Ring, my Lord!" 
Still nothing happened.
"err...sir?" whishpered one of the Nazgul into the ear of his Captain.
"What?!" snapped his Captain.
"I think we overlooked one minor point, sir."
"What?" said the Captain, more annoyed than ever.
"err..well," 
Blink Blibk
" he's an eye, sir!"
"...oh....OOOOOOOHH crap!!! now what?!!"




the Nazgul finally catch Frodo. "Here you go sir, you dropped your Ring."

reem


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## Ol'gaffer (Feb 24, 2003)

Witchking: As you can see mr.Baggins we've had our *eye* on you for sometime now. It appears you have you been living two lives.

Frodo: Nothing happened between me and Galadriel, it was all just drunk talk.

Witchking: Wha-? No, not that. What I mean is that during the day you are Frodo Baggins, you keep the shire calm, you are nice to sam. And you, take out your uncle's garbage.

Frodo: And you wouldn't believe how much there is that! Boy I tell yo-

Witchking: SILENCE! During the evenings on the otherhand you turn to the alias known as the ringbearer, who is responsible for many icky, icky good things to this land.

Frodo:  and?

Witchking: One of these lives has a future, the other does not.
We're willing to wipe this clean, and forget all of it, if you hand over the one ring...

Frodo: How 'bout two?  

(Witchking slaps Frodo)

Withcking: Good god man! Get a hold of yourself! we're both proffessionals here!

Frodo:...sorry.

Witchking: Now, you have two choices

Frodo: And a cookie?

*SLAP*

Frodo: Thanks.

Witchking: You can either hand in the one ring or then lead us to the man known as Gandalf. 

Frodo: NO! I WON'T HELP YOU!

(the nazgul grab Frodo and put him on the table, one of them grabs handcuffs)

Witchking: You're going to help us wether you want to or not. 

(He cuffs Frodo together with Gollum)

Witchking: The cuffs don't come off until you decide what's best for you, mr.Baggins.

Gollum: We is togethers fors evers!

Frodo: AAAAAH!!

*Wakes up in his own bed*

Frodo: What a nightmare...

Gollum: I say. I'm not sleepings in the sames bed withs yous agains!

Frodo:


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## Morgoth (Feb 26, 2003)

Ooh, a Matrix spoof! Very good Ol'Gaffer!


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## reem (Feb 26, 2003)

gandalf and aragorn return from a scouting expadition and find pippin lying on the floor clutching his jaw and moaning in pain and the rest of the group standing around him in apparent concern.
"what happened here?!" demands gandlaf.
"Pippin tried speaking dwarveish." answers frodo.
"And?"
"...that's it. he tried speaking dwarvish and his jaw cracked!"


reem


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## Morgoth (Feb 27, 2003)

Frodo (on the Weathertop): I can't go on, Sam.
Sam: Why not Mr Frodo
Frodo: I really have to see the new Harry Potter film
Aragorn: We're losing him to the darkness. He'll become one of them soon
Sam: What, a Daniel Radcliffe-Wraith?
Aragorn: I'm afraid only elvish medicine can save him now
Daniel Radcliffe (Harry Potter): So... I'm a.... Wizard
Gandalf: No, I'm a wizard. Your dark fire will not avail you, go back to the shadow, Flame of Anor.
*Gandalf's staff crashes round Harry Potter's head, leaving him on the floor, blood coming out of his ears*
Gandalf: Bloody kids


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## BlackCaptain (Feb 27, 2003)

hahahahahahaha... that was GREAT.

Aragorn: Gandalf! You have returned when all hope has faded!

Gandalf: Im not realy gandalf... *unzips self*. Im Dumbeldore!. And this isnt really a white robe *unzips robe*, Oh, nevermind. I guess it is


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## Hawkblaze (Feb 27, 2003)

Smeagol: We really should get a new haircut, precious.
Gollum: What did you say?


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## Shadowfax (Feb 28, 2003)

I haven't been keeping up with the posts for awhile, so I don't know if anyone's done this:

(Theoden and Grima after Gandalf takes Shadowfax to CoE)

Theoden: Dude... where's my horse?
Grima: _Dude_ where's your horse?
Theo: Dude, where's my horse?
Grima: Dude, where's your horse?
Theo: Dude....


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## LadyDernhelm (Feb 28, 2003)

Sam: "I made a promise, Mister Frodo. _Don't you leave 'im, Samwise Gamgee -_ but I've got this pressing appointment...besides, Gollum can look after you..." *scurries back to the Shire*

Gollum: "Taterss? We lovesss taterss!"

Arwen: "What's with this stupid heroine stuff, anyway?"

Aragorn: "You're right, Éowyn. I _should_ get Arwen a one-way ticket to the Grey Havens..."

Éowyn: "Do I _have_ to go?"


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## moon cloud (Mar 1, 2003)

Grima: yah. I don't like girls anyway, gorgeous.
Dernhelm: Neither do I


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## reem (Mar 1, 2003)

The comapny is in Moria in the Chamber of Mazabul when suddenly the booming sound of rolling drums shake the very earth to its roots. 
terror takes them as they stand frozen.
DOOM, DOOM. DOOM, DOOM. DOOM,DOOM.
suddenly gandalf lifts up his hands and chants, "heyah heyah heyah heyah!" doing a little jig.

reem


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## Morgoth (Mar 1, 2003)

Sam: You know Mr Frodo, I think that one day, people will songs about you in the Shire
Frodo: Do you really, Sam?
Sam: No. I was just making conversation. I think we'll be dead before the month is out. Or you will, at least.


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## Morgoth (Mar 1, 2003)

Frodo: You know Sam, I'm glad i'm here with you.
Sam: Really Mr Frodo?
Frodo: No, I'd much rather be here with that lovely Liv Tyler


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## redline2200 (Mar 1, 2003)

Elrond to Earendil right before they see each other for the last time:

Dad, before you become a star forever, I have something to tell you.........I'm gay.


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## Morgoth (Mar 1, 2003)

Aragorn (to Arwen): Well if you're going to bitch about doing the ironing, I'll go and find Eowyn


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## Morgoth (Mar 1, 2003)

Rosie (to Sam): I don't care where you've been, Samwise Gamgee, your Cottage Pie's got all cold.


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## e.Blackstar (Mar 1, 2003)

Aragorn: Whats with the broken sword, anyway? Wouldn't it just be easier to buy a new one?

Arwen(to Eowyn): Awww heck, you can have him. I'm going to spend forever sunbathing on the beautiful shores of the Undying lands.

Frodo(to sam):You want it?

Aragorn(about Borimor): Finally, he's dead. The big-headed,usurping little...

Eowyn(about grima): Isn't he absolutly fascinating? And sooooooo handsome. The pale, washed-out look really works for him, don't you think?


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## balrog (Mar 1, 2003)

Gollum to Gandalf:

"You can't handle the Truthses"


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## Shadowfax (Mar 1, 2003)

> _Originally posted by balrog _
> *Gollum to Gandalf:
> 
> "You can't handle the Truthses" *



HAHAHA!!! That was great!


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## Aulë (Mar 1, 2003)

Gollum (in Tom Cruise 'Jerry Maguire' style): "Show me the precioussss!"


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## Emowyn (Mar 2, 2003)

Gandalf (Arriving in Hobbiton): No no Frodo, I've just come to drop off these fireworks. I'm going now, goodbye.


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## Emowyn (Mar 2, 2003)

Gollum: There's somthing fishy about that ring. I don't want it anymore, I'm off to find some tartes.


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## Aulë (Mar 2, 2003)

Gandalf: "Is it secret? Is it safe?"
Frodo: "Nah, I gave it to some nice men riding horsies yesterday."

~OR~

Gandalf: "Is it secret? Is it safe?"
Frodo: "Hmmm, I lost it a few months ago. Why? Is it important?"


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## Emowyn (Mar 2, 2003)

lol go pippin!


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## Aulë (Mar 2, 2003)

To Frodo's astonishment and distress the wizard threw the Ring into the middle of a glowing corner of the fire.
Frodo gave a cry and groped for the tongs, but it was too late- the Ring had melted.


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## LadyDernhelm (Mar 2, 2003)

> *To Frodo's astonishment and distress the wizard through the Ring into the middle of a glowing corner of the fire.
> Frodo gave a cry and groped for the tongs, but it was too late- the Ring had melted.*



Oh...wow...I have been lauging very hard over that one...


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## Morgoth (Mar 2, 2003)

Pippin Took, those 'Is it Secret? Is it Safe?' lines were fantastic.
Frodo: You're Late
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, Frodo Baggins. Oh no, my mistake, It's twenty past four.


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## Bombadillo (Mar 4, 2003)

gandalf taking the ring from the fire:
take it, you wil notice that it is quite cool
frodo: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!!! you damned fool!!


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## Elfhelm25 (Mar 4, 2003)

Aragorn : You have my sword !
Legolas : And you have my bow ! 
Gimli : And you have my f*cking condolences , these cheesepuffs will take you to your doom, I swear , these pansy elves and men dont know their asses from their faces....( walks away muttering )


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## Aulë (Mar 5, 2003)

"Hold it up!" said Gandalf. "And look closely!"
As Frodo did so, he now saw fine lines, finer than the finest pen-strokes, running along the ring, outside and inside: lines of fire that seemed to form the letters of a flowery script. They shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth.

"To Gandalf, with love Lulu." Frodo read out.
"Whoops! Wrong ring!" stuttered Gandalf.


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## Morgoth (Mar 5, 2003)

LMAO
Gandalf: Frodo Baggins, do not think me a conjourer of cheap tricks. Those fireworks from magicworld cost a small fortune.


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## Hawkblaze (Mar 6, 2003)

The hamsters are coming! The hamsters are coming!

(Aragorn using Palantir to contact Sauron) What do ya say NOW, b****!


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## Shadowfax (Mar 6, 2003)

P'raps some of you remember waaay back when (a year ago!) I posted a LotR spoof on Shakespeare lines. Well, a friend and I recently went over them and changed some, so I hope you enjoy them a second time around!

*Shakespeare meets the Fellowship of the Ring*

Aragorn: To be king, or not to be king, what a stupid question!

Legolas: To use Pantene Pro-V, or Salon Selectives...

Gandalf: Oh that this too, too solid Took would melt, thaw and resolve itself into a dew

Boromir: Go bid the soldiers shoot! (Yay! I finally got the last word!)

Gimli: Brevity is the soul of wit, therefore I will be brief - well short anyway!

Frodo: Alas poor Smeagol - I knew him Samwise. Well I thought I knew him - just goes to show!

Sam: What a piece of work is Mr Frodo! How noble in reason, How infinite in faculties, in form and movement how express and admirable, The beauty of Middle Earth, in action how like the Ainur! In apprehension, how like Eru! The beauty of the world! The paragon of animals! And yet, to me, what is this quintessence of perfection? Man delights not me; no, nor woman neither... shall I go on?

Pippin: To be, or not to be annoying to Gandalf.

Bill: I stalwartly refuse to asquiesce to partake of such an abomnible parody of Shakespearian masterpieces.

Merry: To eat, or not to eat, that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler of a hobbit to suffer the biting pains of outrageous hunger, or to raid Aragorn's pack and by theiving end them? To eat: To sleep; and by a sleep to say we end the stomach-ache and the thousand natural yearnings for mead the flesh is heir to, it's heady effect devoutly to be pursu'd. To sleep; perchance to dream: aye there's the rub; for in that sleep what dreams may come, When we have finished off the lembas, must give us pause. We think on plumcakes, mushrooms and ale with respect, and of the calamity of collapsed souffles. For who could bear the drips, and the burns of the tongue, the jalapeno's bite, the lemon's tart, the pangs of indigestion, the burp's delay, that insolence of that last pea on the plate, that one must with patience the unworthy bean spear? And with a bare travel fork? Who could this bear to grunt and chew over a dreary morsel of cram? But that dread of something worse than waybread, The undiscover'd food tofu, from which no society can return, puzzled by the health nuts, And makes us bear the rations we have, than to eat of those we know not of? Thus coincidence does not make gluttons of us all, and thus we stick to our meager provender with resolution, lest we become sickle'd and pale o'er the thought of lima beans, and the enterprises of wheat germ. With regards to those whose currant scones turn awry, and lose their fluffyness, no longer soft now! The fair wine bottle, Nymph spirits, you are all of my sins remember'd!

FIN
*bows*


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## Sam_Gamgee (Mar 7, 2003)

Frodo to gandalf - O SNAP! yo G, i loss dat blingin' gold thang o' yors................. FO' SHEEZY.



the wonderful world of ebonics........


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## Shadowfax (Mar 7, 2003)

Heeheehee!

What's really pathetic is that there are people in my school who talk like that- and they're all wimpy little white kids. I have never heard any ethnic person at my school use anything other than perfect English. (Except for a few to whom English is a second language)


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## reem (Mar 7, 2003)

*reply merry's speach*



> _Originally posted by Shadowfax _
> 
> Merry: To eat, or not to eat, that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler of a hobbit to suffer the biting pains of outrageous hunger, or to raid Aragorn's pack and by theiving end them? To eat: To sleep; and by a sleep to say we end the stomach-ache and the thousand natural yearnings for mead the flesh is heir to, it's heady effect devoutly to be pursu'd. To sleep; perchance to dream: aye there's the rub; for in that sleep what dreams may come, When we have finished off the lembas, must give us pause. We think on plumcakes, mushrooms and ale with respect, and of the calamity of collapsed souffles. For who could bear the drips, and the burns of the tongue, the jalapeno's bite, the lemon's tart, the pangs of indigestion, the burp's delay, that insolence of that last pea on the plate, that one must with patience the unworthy bean spear? And with a bare travel fork? Who could this bear to grunt and chew over a dreary morsel of cram? But that dread of something worse than waybread, The undiscover'd food tofu, from which no society can return, puzzled by the health nuts, And makes us bear the rations we have, than to eat of those we know not of? Thus coincidence does not make gluttons of us all, and thus we stick to our meager provender with resolution, lest we become sickle'd and pale o'er the thought of lima beans, and the enterprises of wheat germ. With regards to those whose currant scones turn awry, and lose their fluffyness, no longer soft now! The fair wine bottle, Nymph spirits, you are all of my sins remember'd!
> [/B]



Aragorn to merry: I'm sorry, merry, did you say something?


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## spirit (Mar 7, 2003)

> _Originally posted by Shadowfax _
> *Heeheehee!
> 
> What's really pathetic is that there are people in my school who talk like that- and they're all wimpy little white kids. I have never heard any ethnic person at my school use anything other than perfect English. (Except for a few to whom English is a second language) *


 what religoin r u then?

not sure is someone has said this already but here goes:

treebeard: comeon hurry up, time is the end of the world!!!

Sauron: u can keep the damn ring sa long as i can have arwen *then to arwen* my plave or yours baby?


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## spirit (Mar 7, 2003)

> _Originally posted by Shadowfax _
> [, therefore I will be brief - well short anyway!
> Merry: To eat, or not to eat, that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler of a hobbit to suffer the biting pains of outrageous hunger, or to raid Aragorn's pack and by theiving end them? To eat: To sleep; and by a sleep to say we end the stomach-ache and the thousand natural yearnings for mead the flesh is heir to, it's heady effect devoutly to be pursu'd. To sleep; perchance to dream: aye there's the rub; for in that sleep what dreams may come, When we have finished off the lembas, must give us pause. We think on plumcakes, mushrooms and ale with respect, and of the calamity of collapsed souffles. For who could bear the drips, and the burns of the tongue, the jalapeno's bite, the lemon's tart, the pangs of indigestion, the burp's delay, that insolence of that last pea on the plate, that one must with patience the unworthy bean spear? And with a bare travel fork? Who could this bear to grunt and chew over a dreary morsel of cram? But that dread of something worse than waybread, The undiscover'd food tofu, from which no society can return, puzzled by the health nuts, And makes us bear the rations we have, than to eat of those we know not of? Thus coincidence does not make gluttons of us all, and thus we stick to our meager provender with resolution, lest we become sickle'd and pale o'er the thought of lima beans, and the enterprises of wheat germ. With regards to those whose currant scones turn awry, and lose their fluffyness, no longer soft now! The fair wine bottle, Nymph spirits, you are all of my sins remember'd!
> [/B]




gandalf: zzz zzz zzz *jerks awake* wow that was good...that was very nicely said merry *then aside to frodo* what was he saying?

Frodo: im scared *starts to cry* i want my mommy *cries more*


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## Shadowfax (Mar 7, 2003)

> _Originally posted by spirit _
> *what religoin r u then?*



 Why do you want to know? Do you mean what _region_? Then I am from Oregon.


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## Morgoth (Mar 7, 2003)

Sam: We can't go east to Mordor, Mr Frodo
Frodo: Why not Sam
Sam: Beacuse you're not really Mr Frodo, you're Daniel Radcliffe (Harry Potter)
*Draws sword and hacks Daniel Radcliffe to pieces*


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## Hawkblaze (Mar 9, 2003)

(Frodo and Harry meet)

Frodo: Why, hello Harry!
Harry: Hello Frodo!
Frodo: Why do people on this forum insist on killing you?
Harry: I don't know, we're both from excellent books by excellent British authors, why must we hate each other?
(They shake hands)


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## Ol'gaffer (Mar 10, 2003)

> _Originally posted by Hawkblaze _
> *(Frodo and Harry meet)
> 
> Frodo: Why, hello Harry!
> ...



That would never happen. Mainly because by the time that Harry is born Frodo would be long gone. And I would never recognize Rowling as such a great writer as tolkien. She writes well but she's no tolkien.


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## reem (Mar 10, 2003)

Frodo whimpers and groans as in pain.
sam, concerned:What is it, master Frodo? is that nasty wound of yours troubling again? shall i get Aragorn?
Frodo:your standing on my FOOT you idiot!!
reem


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## Ol'gaffer (Mar 10, 2003)

This is really for roleplaying fans.

Aragorn: (before the battle of Helms Deep) You mean orcs get levels too??


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## BlackRider (Mar 10, 2003)

Hmmm.... oly but i was reading up to like 20 pages and i want to know wher you got to read those diaries!. and anyway.... i was lso reading who was king. The only king here is me. See the black cloak the black horse and the deadly yet o so asome black sword thats posinous? Yeah oky case solved. ANd anywy, Kings get to ride big smelly birds? What could be better!


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## CelebrianTiwele (Mar 10, 2003)

gimli: lets go explore that forest...
hmmmm cant think of nemore


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## CelebrianTiwele (Mar 10, 2003)

thot of some more
sam to frodo: no master, i didn't take the ring, the orcs got it
orcs in the dark tower: sure, we'll split the mirthril coat


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## spirit (Mar 11, 2003)

this?
http://home.nyu.edu/~amw243/diaries/


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## Aulë (Mar 11, 2003)

Hahahahaha!
That was brilliant!!!!



> Pippin says Legolas is shagging Gimli.
> 
> Ick.



ROFL


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## vinyachilion (Mar 11, 2003)

gandalf
humping hobbits frodo dont hug me your to short.
orc to gandalf
you are invited to the balrogs keg party just jump off the next bridge and take a left you cant miss it.
merry to pippin
we make a good team pippin a groin grabbingly good team


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## moon cloud (Mar 11, 2003)

Gollum: Do you think this comb over makes me prettier?

Arwen, to Aragorn: Hands _off_ the jewelry, grabby.

Gandalf: well, if I'm mean to be pronounced gondalf, where's my damn 'o'? Huh? Huh?

aragorn, to a hobbit in need: I don't like your face

Frodo, to sam: I told you twenty miles back...there will be no skinny dipping. Button that fly, mister!

Saruman: There should be more rainbows in this world.

Elrond: I'd rather just watch my soaps, acctually.

faramir, to eowyn: Don't TOUCH me

orc: You can call me 'friend'.

Denethor: Don't play with fire, kids


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## Shadowfax (Mar 11, 2003)

> _Originally posted by moon cloud _
> *
> 
> Denethor: Don't play with fire, kids *



*snark* Oh man, I just laughed soooo loud- and I was eating cold cereal too, so now there's milkspray all over my monitor...


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## I KNOW KUNG-FU (Mar 12, 2003)

*Something the characters wouldn't say.....*

Here are some of mine! >>>

Aragorn when he first comes in contact with Frodo: *puts on an Austrian accent* Come with me if you want to live.....

Pippin: *when in the boat with Merry and Boromir* Pssst, did you here what I heard? Sam and Frodo are an item!!

*In Moria - in the darkness a loud gasp is heard* Frodo: Gandalf!! You mean you're gay!?!?!

[Sorry they are so bad!! They were just off the top of my head I'm afraid!]

*Pippin is mine I tell you!! MINE!!!!*


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## BlackCaptain (Mar 12, 2003)

Gandalf : YOU CAN PASS!!
Company: wait wha..?
*gobble up*


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## CelebrianTiwele (Mar 12, 2003)

hahahaha. that diaries thing was sooooooooo funny!!!!! i am at my dads office and he's like wut are you laughing about? thats gr8
Celebrian


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## Morgoth (Mar 13, 2003)

Balrog: So Morgoth _isn't_ the Dark Lord anymore? Well i'll leave you good gentlemen on your way, I have no quarrel with you.


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## spirit (Mar 13, 2003)

balrog to gandalf: we could have been good together *and then stars to cry.*


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## vinyachilion (Mar 14, 2003)

sauron comes walking down the trail and says to frodo and sam in a haevy russian accent "strip down my friends..... for you will get hot on mount doom.

gandalf: is it secret is it safe? frodo: what the ring no i paund that piece of junk last week some guy name sauron wanted it or something, look he gave me this cool chocolate coin.


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## Emowyn (Mar 14, 2003)

Elrond: The ring must be cast back into the fiery...oh what the heck! Let's all get high man!


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## BlackCaptain (Mar 14, 2003)

Gimli: OO!! I got dibs on the best horse!


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## olorin the maia (Mar 15, 2003)

Galadriel to Gimli: "Hi there, handsome!"

Gimli to Galadriel: "Sorry babe, you're not my type."

Edit!

Galadriel to Gimli: "So, do you come here often?"


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## olorin the maia (Mar 15, 2003)

Elrond, singing: "Don't worry, be happy!"


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## legolasismine (Mar 15, 2003)

*Gandalf and Saromon breakdanceing at Saromons tower*
-------------------
Aragorn:C"mon eowyn baby give me kiss!
--------------------
*Eowyn running in circles around Faramir Aragorn singing "Love Me Love Me"
-------------------------


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## Hawk (Mar 15, 2003)

LEGOLAS: *from the when the Fellowship leaves, said every five mintues* Are we there yet?

Sam: I know just how to end this whole stupid war *takes out rubber band and shoots it and Sauron*


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## reem (Mar 16, 2003)

> _Originally posted by Hawk _
> *
> Sam: I know just how to end this whole stupid war *takes out rubber band and shoots it and Sauron* *



har har har!!! total work of genious!! hahaha!!!
reem


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## Emowyn (Mar 16, 2003)

> Sam: I know just how to end this whole stupid war *takes out rubber band and shoots it and Sauron*



HEHEHE v. good  I laughed lots at this 

(Lurtz before he shoot's Boromir) What d'ya mean you won't go out with me?


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## legolasismine (Mar 16, 2003)

Sam:"If I take one more step I'll be one step farther than I have ever been before"
Frodo:"Okay sam you stay here see ya later..bye now"

Arwen:"It is my heart to give to you"
Aragorn:"Well you know what I don't want your heart!"
*And aragorn takes her necklace and stomps it on the ground into a million peices*


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## Morgoth (Mar 16, 2003)

Headline on the SUN newspaper
Frodo and Daniel Radcliffe's Ring Fetish:
Hobbit Speaks Openly For First Time


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## spirit (Mar 17, 2003)

anymore secret diaries?


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## Novuriel (Mar 23, 2003)

Oooooooh, those secret diaries... I was laughing so hard I cried. 
"Whee! I like to run! I look good when I run!"
Oh man, laughing again.
Spirit, how many have you read? I think they stop after Legolas' TTT one. But these are the ones I can think of - Legolas x 2, Aragorn, Pippin, Merry, Sam, Frodo, Gandalf, Elrond, Arwen, Boromir, Gimli, Gollum, Saruman, Sauron. Oh, "the Horn of Gondor!" Okay, done laughing now.


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## CelebrianTiwele (Mar 23, 2003)

> _Originally posted by olorin the maia _
> *Elrond, singing: "Don't worry, be happy!" *


hahahahaah v. good olorin!!!!


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## LadyDernhelm (Mar 23, 2003)

Were there any other secret diaries than the one page? With only the FoTR diaries?

Does anyone know of any more ~because if they DO, I would love to read them. ;-)


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## Firawyn (Mar 23, 2003)

*Sam*



> _Originally posted by YayGollum _
> *'Sup dude?-Anybody
> Gollum is the hero!-Anybody(mostly the evil Sam)
> Good thing Gollum was there to help us out!-Anybody(mostly the evil Sam)
> Praise Gollum with great praise!-Anybody *



Do you have a problem with Sam too? People tell me I'm nuts but Sam is starting to sound like Borimer.......not good.

And Gimly would(almost)never say "toss me."


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## spirit (Mar 24, 2003)

then he will probably die... lol
to get to the secret diaries: go on google, then type "lotr secret diaries" then you hit the enter key and you get some diaries. i only checked out the first site, there are more!!


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## spirit (Mar 24, 2003)

look what i found: http://www.miaowthecat.com/blog/archives/000110.html


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## Ol'gaffer (Mar 24, 2003)

I like the Dr.Seuss one, but the other one isn't that great.

"I would not take it through a moat"

Classic..


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## spirit (Mar 24, 2003)

where is that one??


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## Ol'gaffer (Mar 24, 2003)

The very first one.


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## HW_rapace (Mar 24, 2003)

hum hoom .. let's speed things up a litte bit!, Fangorn.


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## spirit (Mar 25, 2003)

Aragorn: i dont want to marry you Arwen and I dont want to be king either *and he and legolas start to dance and skip to some music.*


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## Ol'gaffer (Mar 25, 2003)

Aragorn: you there. Boromir, gather our camp so we can head out.

Boromir: Says who?

Aragorn: Your king, that's who!

Boromir: I didn't vote for you.

Aragorn: You don't vote for a king!

Boromir: Well probably not from where you're form bush boy!

Aragorn: How dare you?!

Boromir: *mimics* How dare you?!

Aragorn: Right, I'll have your leg!

*Cut's boromir's leg off*

Aragorn: That'll teach you!

Boromir: what?

Aragorn: Teach you what. I cut off your leg!

Boromir: no you didn't...

Aragorn: Well what's that?!

Boromir: Just a flesh wound.

Aragorn: You're a looney.

****************************************************

Or another one:

Eomer: Too long have you haunted my sister, too long have you followed her beautiful rear, her soft skin, her beautiful lips.

Grima: You're even more disturbed than I good sir.


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## Feanorian (Mar 25, 2003)

Sam: Gollum get away from Mr. Frodo if anyone is gonna stand over him, breathing heavily, while pawing him, ITS GONNA BE ME!


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## Arathin (Mar 25, 2003)

Gondorian, that doesn't work... This topic is Things Tolkien Characters would NEVER Say. Sam WOULD say that!!! lol


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## LadyDernhelm (Mar 25, 2003)

HEY!!! Are you laughing at my Sam???

(*wink*)

Sam's my favorite character. I've even got my 2 year old sister to say "I luffa my Sam!" it's very funny....


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## Feanorian (Mar 25, 2003)

HAHA, I agree very out of place, I thought this was the things characters wish they could say section, I apologize, lol.

Gondorian, that doesn't work... This topic is Things Tolkien Characters would NEVER Say. Sam WOULD say that!!! lol


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## legolasismine (Mar 25, 2003)

*this might be lame but who cares!*

Aragorn:LEGOLAS! What is it your elven eye sees?
Legolas:I see some out in the field and there....
Legolas's sentence trails off as he starts to squint,
Legolas:Omigosh! Its Elrond wearing Arwens dress and he's.....
Legolas squints some more,
Legolas:He's Danceing!


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## spirit (Mar 26, 2003)

hi legolasismine
did you get that idea from one of the secret diarise that i posted a link to? it is v. funny.


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## legolasismine (Mar 26, 2003)

Yeah I kinda it gave insperation!


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## spirit (Mar 26, 2003)

LOL. like those secret diaries. hope that the person who wrote them writes some more. they were really funny.


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## legolasismine (Mar 26, 2003)

I know they were so hilarius!


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## spirit (Mar 27, 2003)

if anyone finds any more can you post them here please


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## Firawyn (Mar 27, 2003)

> _Originally posted by legolasismine _
> *Sam:"If I take one more step I'll be one step farther than I have ever been before"
> Frodo:"Okay sam you stay here see ya later..bye now"
> 
> ...



lol Very funny!! Stiil laughing. If that had happend then there wouldn't be an issue in TTT when Aragorn loses the neckless over the cliff! Funny!

Legolas-Here's your necklace, Aragorn.
Aragorn-And why exactly are you giving it back to me? I drpooed it on purpose!(Then grabs it, throws it on the ground and jumps on it.)


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## legolasismine (Mar 27, 2003)

> _Originally posted by Sabeen _
> *lol Very funny!! Stiil laughing. If that had happend then there wouldn't be an issue in TTT when Aragorn loses the neckless over the cliff! Funny!
> 
> Legolas-Here's your necklace, Aragorn.
> Aragorn-And why exactly are you giving it back to me? I drpooed it on purpose!(Then grabs it, throws it on the ground and jumps on it.) *



LOL

That was really hilarius,they should have really put it in the book so then they wouldn't have him falling over the cliff and all!


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## Firawyn (Mar 28, 2003)

*Thank you one and all!*



> _Originally posted by legolasismine _
> *LOL
> 
> That was really hilarius,they should have really put it in the book so then they wouldn't have him falling over the cliff and all! *



Thank you for the comment, legolasismine! I have considered being a writer and a comedian so like I always say, lol


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## BlackCaptain (Mar 28, 2003)

Elendil during the Seige of Barad-Dûr - Ok Sauron! If you don't come out right now I'll come in there!
*The door opens, but you can't see anyone*
*Completely black inside*
*Little White bunny pops out*
Gil-Galad - Noooo!! Aghag*insert screams of pain here*


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Monty Python inspired*


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## e.Blackstar (Apr 6, 2003)

Arwen to Eowyn: You can have him!

Aragorn: The necklace? What necklace? Uh... Oh, that necklace. Yeah, I gave it to Eowyn as a token of my undying love for her.

Arwen to Eowyn: I challange you to a swordfight. To the death! For Aragorn!


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## BlackCaptain (Apr 6, 2003)

Legolas - I found this really cool necklace after I thought you were dead. It's mine now though. Sorry. Finders keepers fallers off of cliffs and survivers weepers.


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## e.Blackstar (Apr 6, 2003)

I made a Gimli folder, but I can't find the right attachment style. what did you use, My_precious?


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## Vixen Evenstar (Apr 6, 2003)

Gladly will I take it," said the King, and laying his long old hands upon the brown hair of the hobbit, he blessed him. "Rise now,Meriadoc, esquire of Rohan of the houshold of Meduseld!" he said "take your sword and bear it unto good fortune." 
"As a father you shall be to me." said Merry
For a little while," said Theoden, "but if you start asking for the car you can consider yourself up for adoption!"


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## spirit (Apr 7, 2003)

Gimli: This beard makes me look old.. Legolas, would you hand me a pair of scissors!?

Shelob (at seeing Sam & Frodo) - Awwww.. they're soo cute!!

Sauron - Welcome to Mt Doom little hobbit friends, would you like to come see my meadows

Legolas: "Has anyone seen my glasses?"

Gandalf: "Did you see Aragorn picking his nose in Moria? He thought nobody was watching. Gross!"

Eowyn: "Crap, I busted a nail."


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## spirit (Apr 7, 2003)

i luv this one


> Boromir to Aragorn: I would never follow you. My Lady. My Queen.



Galadriel: (singing)"Ding dong, Gandalfs' dead, the wicked wizards' dead!"

Elrond - I know, lets ask the men for help.

Treebeard: I love Orcs!

Treebeards and the Ents - Who cares about the Entwives, lets cross-breed with orcs. (someone might have said this one already!)


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## legolasismine (Apr 7, 2003)

Rivendel-

*Elrond walks up to the fellowship wearing a yellow tommy gear hat*

Elrond-Yo yo yo frodo how's you doin hows you doin?

Frodo- Uh fine, how are you doing elrond?

Elrond-Is it coz i is black??? 

Frodo- Of course not i mean.....

Elrond-aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!

*Frodo whispers to sam*
_i think you should go and get Gandalf_

*Sam goes and gets Gandalf*

*Gandalf walks in wearing a red tommy gear hat*

Gandalf-What is up wiv yous now battyboy?

Elrond-what does you fink you are doin? You is from da east side, i is from da west side. You is treadin on me turf. 

Gandalf-me is gona kick your batty 

Elrond-boyacasha! *does the lil finger clickin thing*

Gandalf-aiiiiiiii! *does lil finger clickin thing*

Pippin-Respec! *does lil finger clickin thing*

Gandalf-your mama is so large she rolled ova and squashed africa 

Elrond-your mama is so thick she sold da auto to pay fa da petrol 

Frodo-Ok thats enough. Break it up

Gandalf-wicked. me is goin 

Elrond-now i can carry on wiv my annoucement, Check dis, Frodo my man you gonna take da ring and go to da place we talked about, and all ya get to go wit him

The whole fellowship-Aiiiiiiiiiiiii!*they do the lil clicky finger thing*


(encase you think i've gone completely mad, I got this idea from the english tv programe Da Ali G Show which an indian man dressed up as a black man and talks like a gangsta and then when people say something he says "is it coz i is black?, boyacasha also means "death to the whites, and the clicky finger thing is suming that stupid boys in england used to do when ali g first came out)


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## BlackCaptain (Apr 7, 2003)

Haha...


Sauron - Oh. You found my Ring. I never really wanted it anyways... *tosses it into mt.doom*


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## legolasismine (Apr 7, 2003)

> _Originally posted by BlackCaptain _
> *Haha...
> 
> 
> Sauron - Oh. You found my Ring. I never really wanted it anyways... *tosses it into mt.doom* *



Haha simple yet elegant,,,.lol


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## BlackCaptain (Apr 7, 2003)

I try, I try... haha


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## spirit (Apr 8, 2003)

legolasismine went a little overboard but ir was reallllllly funny!



Frodo in mordor: damn sorry guys left the ring in rivendale we will have to go back


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## moon cloud (Apr 8, 2003)

legolasismine....You are coool, I love Ali G. All Americans should watch his show, I thin kit's coming out on HBO


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## legolasismine (Apr 8, 2003)

> _Originally posted by moon cloud _
> *legolasismine....You are coool, I love Ali G. All Americans should watch his show, I thin kit's coming out on HBO *




Thanks for thinking I'm coool, but yes I love that show too, and yeah I think its coming to HBO too!


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## vinyachilion (Apr 9, 2003)

Aragorn: you there. Boromir, gather our camp so we can head out.

Boromir: Says who?

Aragorn: Your king, that's who!

Boromir: I didn't vote for you.

Aragorn: You don't vote for a king!

Boromir: Well probably not from where you're form bush boy!

Aragorn: How dare you?!

Boromir: *mimics* How dare you?!

Aragorn: Right, I'll have your leg!

*Cut's boromir's leg off*

Aragorn: That'll teach you!

Boromir: what?

Aragorn: Teach you what. I cut off your leg!

Boromir: no you didn't...

Aragorn: Well what's that?!

Boromir: Just a flesh wound.

Aragorn: You're a looney.

ol gaffer you watch monty python and the holy grail way to much

pretty good though


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## Ol'gaffer (Apr 9, 2003)

What???


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## spirit (Apr 9, 2003)

> _Originally posted by vinyachilion _
> *Aragorn: you there. Boromir, gather our camp so we can head out.
> 
> Boromir: Says who?
> ...





mate you have copied that from somewhere cause i am sure i read that just the other day somewhere!!!!!!!!!


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## Ol'gaffer (Apr 9, 2003)

I'm quite sure he did. Because he was trying to quote me, and if you read the entire post then you'll see that s/he was only pointing out that I watch Monty Python too much.


Vote Gaffer


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## Hawk (Apr 9, 2003)

> s/he was only pointing out that I watch Monty Python too much.



WATCH MONTEY PYTHON TOO MUCH!?!?!?!!?!?!? NOT POSSIBLE!!!!!!!!


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## Wonko The Sane (Apr 11, 2003)

Eowyn: Hey, Grima!! If you get me into the army I'll totally snog you.


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## spirit (Apr 11, 2003)

Faramir: Oh look it is the ring of power lets bring it to Gondor.
*~*


Sam: I like these Smeagol character. He's real friendly and he couldn't possiably be a friend of the enemy.

Frodo: Well, if he's friendly, it's mos likely that he is a friend to the enemy. I don't trust him.
^_^

Gandalf: "Pippin you thought!"





Saruman: We must join with him Gandalf. We must join with Sauron.

Gandalf: Sure.

Saruman: um..ah....er..oiy.

Gandalf: Whats the matter? I said yes aren't you happy?

Saruman: You were supposed to say no!

Gandalf: Oh so you want me to go around with 4 half pints, a gimpy dwarf, the stupidest blonde elf there ever was, A man who is so obsessed with rings he got his nose pierced, another man who actually can stand to be around Arwen even after she took Glofindel and locked him up, AND A DANCING BANANA!!!! 

Saruman: uau...um....arh...where did the dancing banana come in?

Gandalf: It does matter where the dancing banana came in!!!!!!!

*Saruman getting sick and tired of listening to Gandalf start rolling his eyes  and picks up his staff*

Saruman: just SHUT UP!!!!

*Gandalf goes flying against wall and staff battle begins*

Gandalf: If I beat you.... You'll have the curse of the dancing Banana!!!! 

Saruman: NOOOOOO!!!!!

*Gandalf is totally whoped and Saruman locks him away*

Saruman: Thank heavens. Now when will that blasted eagle come and get him away from me.... He's already five minutes late! Man the last thing I wanted was to have him around, I've been waiting to give him a good whoping for a long time!


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## spirit (Apr 11, 2003)

i found this somewhere:

Faramir: Bind there hands.

Frodo: Nooo!

Faramir: yes!

Frodo: no

Faramir: YES!

Frodo: NO!

Faramir: Yes!

Frodo: Yes!

Faramir: No!

Sam: Well, you heard him!

Faramir: gag the little beasts as well.

Frodo: But you said no!?

Faramir:Shut up! Does it matter? I say yes now!

Sam: So "yes" to letting us go?

*smoke starts pouring out of Faramir's ears and nose*

Frodo: I think we should go.

Sam: Alright, but just this once.

*goes to Henneth Anon*

Faramir: My men tell me you are orc spies.

Sam: how did they guess it with our discusses!?!?!?

*Frodo elbows him real hard*

Sam: Ok i'll shut up.

Faramir: Speak!

Frodo: We are hobbits of the shire. Frodo Baggins is my name.

Faramir: Who are you? his bodyguard?

Sam: His Gardener.

Faramir: You don't say, well maybe you could help me. You see I got these weeds in my gar-.....

Frodo: Its really important that you let us go.

Faramir: As I was saying.....

Sam: If you let us go I'll....

Faramir: Silence! The Gardener shall go to Gondor!

Sam: Now what do we do?

Frodo: I don't know get your shovel.

Sam: Give in just like that?

Frodo: No! Hit him over the head with it and run!

*Frodo feels an arm on his shoulder.*

Faramir: you must come with me.

*Sam, Frodo and Faramir go to ledge with gollum below*

Faramir: To enter the fobiden pool bears the penalty of death!

Gollum: Rock and pool is nice and cool so juicy sweeeeeeet! ugh, what we givesss for a grill to cook nice fishessssss on!

Faramir: Shall I shot?

Sam: Don't mind if you do.

*gets elbowed real hard by Frodo.*

Sam: Uuuugh....ow.

Frodo: Wait! He is are guide! please let me go down to him.

Gollum: Ugh, its so slimy, wheres a fork I wonder?

Frodo: Smeagol!

Gollum: go away im eating, Darn telemarketers!

Frodo: Smeagol you must come with me!

Gollum: No! Dinner first!

*Frodo pauses a moment and thinks*

Frodo: For a limited time offer, you can get this SHINY new Grill! Comes with stand, grill, and um, a lifetime supply of fish!

Gollum: Where isss it!!!!!!!!!! Itsss ourss it isssss!!!!!!!

Frodo: come over here and see this luxurious Grill!

*Gollum rushes over and gets cought.*

Faramir: Where were you leading them. Answer!

Gollum: Actually at the moment I was taking them to a good spot with a lot of herbs, veggies, and watermelon!

Faramir: Really! say, what do you usually use is cabbage stew?

Gollum: Cabbage.

Faramir: Extrodinary, you know, I would have never thought of it!

Gollum: ...........................Stupid fat Gardener.

Faramir: Do you cook a lot?

Gollum: O yes, but Frodo there, He won the grand cook award. Jerk! He stole it form Us!

*latter on by Sam and Frodo*

Faramir: so this is the answer to all the riddle. Here I am with two halflings, and a host of men at my call, with the grandest cook awarded within my graspe!

Frodo: NO!!!!!

Sam: Don't you understand! he's going to mordor! to the mountain of fire. To challenge the Dark cook of the almond ring!

Faramir: Gasp!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Faramir: We must go to Gondor!

*at osgiliath Nazgul appears Frodo runs upon bridge*

Frodo: Foul Nazcook of Sourcook! I challenge you or leave!

Nazcook: Fine!

*Frodo and Nazcook both wip together gormet meals. Faramir and Sam Judge*

Faramir: Gasp..........Nazcook take a breathmint, Your blackbreath stinks! 

Nazcook: sorry.

Frodo: Well who wins?

Sam and Faramir: Well *gulp* Frodo we ahve to give it to you. Sorry Nazcook, you should have used Rosemary not Thyme.

Nazcook: Really, I was sooooo close! next time your mine! by the way do you use Cajun in your taco sauce?

Frodo: Shhhhhhh! don't tell anyone but yes!

Nazcook: I knew it. You have my solemn promise as a deciever, lair, evil, sorcerer, Cook that I won't tell anybody!


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## BlackCaptain (Apr 11, 2003)

Henneth Ann*u*n


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## Thindraug_2 (Apr 11, 2003)

sauron: Does anyone want a flower


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## Sador (Apr 12, 2003)

An old and grey Sam Gamgee is sitting by the fire telling his grand 
children a story...
" That Frodo Baggins was a right bastard. Always ordering me around; Where's my breakfast, run me a bath, Mow my lawns...
He gave me a ring once and then took it back again, too precious for poor old Sam. He left me this Bag end hole and its been nothing but trouble. Dry rot everywhere. I didn't serve six terms as mayor to have to put up with this!" He continues like this until the kids decide to move away and live under the western towers.


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## Thindraug_2 (Apr 15, 2003)

The Fellowship walks in to destory Sauron. Stopping in their footsteps to see Sauron hoppingand skipping with a basket of flowers trowing them around mount doom.
Sam: What the....
Frodo: Sauron!?
Sauron stops and drops his basket of flowers. Still holding one flower clearing his throat.
Sauron: MMMM.... Flower?
Frodo: No!
Sauron: Oh how about tea?
Sam: What!? No!
Sauron: Oh.... You want to destroy the ring. Ahhhh follow the signs. *looking at his flower and petting it* No one under stand... love. Do they flowery? Do they?
Frodo: He's lost it.
Sam: and we got it.
Frodo: No! His mind.
Sam: That to.
They look at one of the signs it says:' Throw the ring in here'. The sign has flowers on it.
Frodo: Hes go hippy.


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## Wonko The Sane (Apr 15, 2003)

Nazgul #4: I'm sick of all this screaming. Let's go and pick wildflowers. And puppies. I like flowers and puppies.


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## Celebrochwen (Apr 15, 2003)

The Fellowship is gently sailing down the Great River when they spot a swan headed boat coasting towards them.
Aragorn: Who goes there?
Stranger: Oh, I was just taking a short ride down the river.
Aragorn: In a swan boat?
Stranger: It was the only one left! Besides, you took all the good boats, and for what reason I wonder?
Aragorn: We have to destry Sauron's ring of Power! Oops! I wasn't supposed to say that!
Stranger: Oh, so just because you have to destroy a silly ring, i have to spend my daily boat ride in an awfully embarrassing swan Boat!!!! Pfft!


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## Thindraug_2 (Apr 15, 2003)

That was good. Nice one mel


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## reem (Apr 16, 2003)

Sauron, Saruman, the Nazgul and all the hosts of orcs hold hands and sing "heal the woorld, make it a better place! ...etc"
reem


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## Hawk (Apr 16, 2003)

Sauron: Have the Nazgul go find it!
Saruman: The ring of power?
Sauron: Who wants that little trinkit? I seek something even of even greater power.
Saruman: No..... you don't mean.....!!
Sauron: YES!!! Find me..... THE DUCT TAPE!!!


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## Wonko The Sane (Apr 18, 2003)

Frodo: I can't go on a quest right now...I really need to get back to The Shire and catch up on my long overdue vacuuming.

Aragorn under his breath: *cough*Somebody sucks..*cough*


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## MrsElijahWood (Apr 22, 2003)

"Hullo there, Meriadoc!" - Treebeard (WOW no 'hoom hom's')

"I just LOVE Fanghorn!" -Gimli

"I can't stand Galadriel, I could chop off her head with my ax." -Gimli


"Oh, screw it, just have him, Eowyn, he's a loser anyway. -Arwen (about Aragorn)


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## Gandalf_White (Apr 23, 2003)

Gimli: Dear Sweet Galadriel, will you braid my beard?
Legolas: No Gimli, I want to do it!


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## Thindraug_2 (Apr 24, 2003)

Sauron starts to do the moon walk sing 'heal the world'


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## LadyDernhelm (Apr 24, 2003)

Aragorn: "You cannot give me this!"

Arwen: "It is mine to give to whom I wish. Therefore, I think I'll go find Legolas..."


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## Wonko The Sane (Apr 24, 2003)

Aragorn, Immediately after: Score. That gives me more quality time with Gimli over here.


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## LadyDernhelm (Apr 24, 2003)

_Classic,_ Wonks...


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## Wonko The Sane (Apr 24, 2003)

Hehe.  Well we all know Aragorn's a bit of a perv.  Hobbit Fancier...Dwarf Fancier.


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## berenmacar (Apr 24, 2003)

Black Rider, "Who turned the light out?"
Orc, "Do these shoes match my outfit?"
Gandalf, "Just dig a hole and bury the stupid thing." (In refrence to the ring.)
Thingol, "Yeah uh, about that dowry. Do you have any change?" (to Beren)
Galadreil, "My precious!"


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## Gandalf_White (Apr 24, 2003)

Frodo: (to Galadriel) If you ask me I will give you the one ring.
Galadriel: Well now that you mentioned it why not? I would love to have it. Now I can take over the world.


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## Wonko The Sane (Apr 25, 2003)

Orc: I spent all day at the GAP of Rohan yesterday and I STILL haven't found a handbag to match my new pumps!


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## Morgoth (Apr 26, 2003)

This one's for the Monty Python lovers out there.
Approaching Mordor
Gandalf: Mordor!
Aragorn: Mordor! 
Legolas: Mordor!
Gimli: It's only a model.


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## Gandalf_White (Apr 28, 2003)

Orc: I think I need some Listerine.


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## vinyachilion (Apr 28, 2003)

sauron: i think i need a hug
pipin: we make a good team. merry: a groin grabbingly good team
sauromon to gandalf: come on gandalf just one more game of patty cake. Gandalf: nooooo Sauromon: fine have it your way (sauromon takes out his staff and the @#^% out off him.)
gimli singing in a loud soprano : i wish i was in dixie horay horay.
gandalf to pippin you must allways follow your nose. wow really with a honker that big you must never get lost huh.


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## spirit (Apr 28, 2003)

Sauron: MMMMOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!! FRODO DESTROYED MY FAVORITE TOY!!!!!!! WHHHHHAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Frodo: AAAHHH! What a relief!

Sam: What is a relief?

Frodo: I left the ring in the hedge back there. *points across half the dead marshes to where the last hedge is standing.

Sam: AAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Gollum: Great! Now letssssss go home.


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## Ol'gaffer (Apr 28, 2003)

> _Originally posted by Morgoth _
> *This one's for the Monty Python lovers out there.
> Approaching Mordor
> Gandalf: Mordor!
> ...


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## spirit (Apr 28, 2003)

Gandalf: Fool of a Took why don't you through yourself in next time. Your more trouble than you worth.
Everyone in the fellowship beside Pippen: Yeah!
Pippin: Fine but don't tell anyone. *Throws himself down the well* Ahhh!! You guys suuuuuucc..... *Splash*
Later: Galadriel: Nine left Rivendell and yet 7 are here. Tell me wher is Gandalf and Pippen.
Legolas: Oh Pippen threw himself in the well.
Galadriel: I knew that guy was suciaidal. (cant spell)



Gimli: I have the ears of a fox and the eyes of a hawk.
Elven bowman: Hands up!
Legolas: I think you should rephrase that Gimli. Something like: The ears of a box and the eyes of a rock.
Gimli: Ha, ha, ha, very funny.


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## Gandalf_White (Apr 28, 2003)

Orc: I think I've got some gunk in my ear.
2nd Orc: You just noticed?!?!?!


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## Ol'gaffer (May 5, 2003)

Theoden: Last I looked, Theoden, not Aragorn. Was king of Rohan.

Aragorn: Oh rub it in, why don't ya?


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## MrsElijahWood (May 5, 2003)

*Monty Python*

For Monty Python Lover's everywhere:
Frodo: Right, let's not go to Mordor, It is a silly place.
Sam: Right

Gollum: Ha! I have my preseiusss back! And your finger! Now step aside worthy advissary.
Frodo: *attacks gollum* It's only a flesh wound, Come here and I'll bite your legs off!

Sam: That guy's done nothing but stare at us since we arrived. *points to aragorn*
Frodo: He must be a King
Piipin: How can you tell?
Frodo: He hasn't got sh!t all over him
Merry: Right


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## e.Blackstar (May 5, 2003)

It's not done yet,(duh) but here goes.
MELKOR'S (MORGOTH) JOURNAL

Day 1
Yay! Iluvatar let me sing today! But stupid little Manwë started to sing louder, just to drown me out. Prat!

Day 5
Yay me! Only 5 days old and already I've started a war. Go me! I made this super-cool things. They're firey and shadowy at the same time. Cool huh? I call them Wajêls, but noooooooo, Manwë and Co. insist upon calling them Balrogs, or worse, Valaraukar, 'Demons of Might' Demons! They're actually very cute! The others are sooooooooo mean.

This one I got off the net
SARUMAN

27 February 3019: Incredibly good news! One of the crows just got here with a report. It seems that yesterday the Uruks scattered what's left of Olorin's little band of wanderers. They even captured two of those pathetic little halflings! Ahhh ha ha ha haa! And now they're bringing them here! If they don't actually have the Ring, they'll certainly know where it is. Hah! Victory is just around the corner. I just wish that pathetic pseudo-Wise idiot Olorin were here to see me win and defeat Sauron while he was out playing mah-jongg with all those mortal weaklings. But if he ever re-bodies and comes back from Valinor, I'll show him I wasn't called Curunir for nothing!
The first troops from Dunland began arriving at the Gate today. I was tempted to dismiss them and send them all back; once I have the Ring, I'll have all of Sauron's forces at my beck. Who needs these weak, black-haired terrorists? But I chose to let them stay anyway. It'll be fun to let them have their little revenge against the Forgoil before I enslave them all. Besides, they may come in handy as a mopup crew around Rivendell or something. Most of the troops from the Fords are back, too, exultant from the victory there; that kid of Theoden's is finally dead, and no longer a thorn in my side. Everything is going my way! The only problem now is finding enough food for all these troops.
Dinner wasn't too bad tonight: smoked salmon. I really think using fresh wood makes all the difference. I wonder if the factories have finished that rowan-wood desk I demanded? Or gotten it right yet? They've already built dozens, and I've rejected every one of 'em. Idiots. They just can't seem to make one that looks right, even when I send my crows out to pick the best wood first. But darn it, they'll get it right if it takes the rest of their miserable pathetic little mortal lives.
28 February 3019: More Dunlendings arriving today. It looks like I'll have ten thousand troops within the Ring! A lot of the newcomers are saying they don't want to "sleep with the Orcs". Hah! If they only knew! You'd think that a few of them, at least, would have begun to notice the resemblances. But I want to keep them all together, anyway; they need to work together, if they're going to fight together as brothers. Or second cousins, anyway.
It's getting harder and harder to stay away from the Ball. I want to see the halflings, and see how close the Uruks are; the Ring is so close I can almost taste it. But if I use the Ball, He might read too much of my thought. And then what? The Nazgul come after the Orcs, wham bang; and the halflings are gone, and He gets the Ring. No, I have to stay away from the Ball. I know He's expecting a report, but I can't take the chance. Once I have the Ring, though, then I'll contact Him... and tell Him what His new duties will be to the Realm of Saruman. Maybe I'll make Him my boot-black... that is, if he's good enough at it....
The stress of waiting for the halflings to be delivered is almost more than I can take. I keep imagining things going wrong. Some of His troops are out there, too. Mauhur's near the Forst with reinforcements, but I'm still worried. My nerves are killing me. I'm going outside for a smoke... no, better stay inside, someone might see me. Dang it, I have to cut back on the pipe-weed. It's just ruining my voice.
29 February 3019: I've got to get a look at that Ring. I want to see how He put it together, how He got His Power into it. I was with Aule a lot longer than He was; I should know more than Him about it! Maybe He learned things from the Great Enemy that Aule couldn't teach. It's not like the Lamps were all that clever a piece of work, anyway. I've got to get a look at that Ring. Maybe I could get my ring to work. Oh, sure, I can control Worm with it; but I can control Worm with a harsh look, the pathetic little leech. No, the Ring-lore has only given me Voice; only the Ring itself will give me power!
I can't wait any longer; I'm going out there to meet them. I want the halflings now, not sometime next week! I'll leave Ulugl'm in charge while I'm gone; he knows what he's doing, even though he babbles all the darned time. He'll keep all the troops in line, if he doesn't bore them all to sleep first. I'm on my way as soon as I'm done writing this. I just need to get something to eat before I go. The danged Dunland merchants just can't get me fresh vegetables, and you just can't get anything to grow inside the Ring. Is asking for some decent vegetables asking too much?
2 March 3019: The last three days have been perfectly darned miserable. Everything's gone wrong. I have a headache you wouldn't believe.
I left Isengard on Wednesday, right after lunch, and set out East over the Bridge; early Thursday morning, I saw smoke rising near Fangorn. There was something about it that held my attention, and so I headed towards it. Sure enough, late Thursday afternoon, I found the Orcs. They'd all been killed and burned by those darnded Horsemen! All of 'em! Even Mauhur and his reinforcements! The whole thing left me a little sick and dizzy. I think the shock must have temporarily snapped my mind; I wandered for a time, lost in thought, and that night I swear I saw a Dwarf in Fangorn Wood! Impossible! He was with a Man and an Elf; the Man leaped up and said I was his father! Dang it, it's these lousy provisions I keep getting that are doing it. It's malnutrition, I tell you. Once I get the Ring I've got to set up a stronghold where I can at least get some decent food.
Friday morning I was a little more clearheaded. I went back and searched the battleground. There's no doubt about it: the filthy Forgoil must have killed the halflings, and taken the Ring for themselves! If they don't have it, they certainly know where it is now. I've got to stop them before they try to use it! They won't know enough about the Ring to use all its powers, of course, not yet; they haven't studied all the ancient Ring-lore, as I have. But if they try using it at all, He'll notice! And He'll come after it! I can't risk that. I made it back here late last night and roused the Guard. I have to attack the Mark immediately; it's the only way to stop them from using the Ring! I can't trust Worm to filch it in time; I have to get it from them quickly, and that's exactly what I'll do - even if I have to destroy every filthy Brigand of the Mark to do it!
...For some reason lately, I keep on thinking about the Great Music. I remember Olorin and I singing the same melody for a time, and that moment when I thought I'd found a stronger theme and started singing it instead. And it sounded so good, so strong and powerful, I knew the One would appreciate it most of all. But then Olorin's danged major-chords got all confused with my minors, and I lost track of where I was, and I lost my voice. And right when I'd recovered, and was just starting to sing again, the One ended the music! Dang, that was frustrating!... Why am I thinking about that now? As if I haven't got enough to think about. It's really beginning to get on my nerves. I need another smoke. Darn that Olorin for getting me started on this accursed weed.
...It's coming up on midnight now, and Ulugl'm tells me (in his usual long-winded style) that they're almost ready to march. There's enough of them to decimate Edoras! And Wormtongue'll keep that old fool Theoden unprepared; by the time he sees what's coming, it'll be too late for them all. I've had a pretty bad setback, but now that I've had a good meal (venison stew; it was surprisingly good, even the vegetables were fresh for a change) and some time to think, I'm in much better spirits. I should have the Ring, or at the least know where it's hidden, within a handful of days. And then, nothing will be able to stop me - not even Him!
Now to go downstairs and send my minions off to kill the horse-vermin. This will be a glorious night! I'll have to remind the captains to search the bodies of Theoden and his household for the Ring - inside and out, if necessary. I must get the Ring!


----------



## e.Blackstar (May 5, 2003)

MORE3 March 3019: This has been a really wretched day. I no sooner finish sending my armies after Edoras when what happens? Some psychotic tree comes and starts hammering at the Gate and yelling like heck. And when my stupid ineffectual guards can't get rid of it - what the heck's wrong with them? Aren't they fed well enough? - it calls more trees, and they all start tearing apart the Ring! The whole darned Ring of Isengard! One of them got in and tried to kill me! The darned monstrosity chased me all the way back to the Tower, screaming that I was a "tree-killer"; I was lucky to make it back in alive! What the heck is this? Why are they so upset over one lousy desk?!
Ahhh, but once I was back in the Tower - then I gave them something to think about! I fired up the furnaces and the forges, and started sending up fires and gas from underground. Hah! That made 'em think twice! I set one of 'em afire with a spray of narphilm, and the rest just went crazy. Hah! It was so funny watching them hurl themselves against the Tower! Oh, they were loud; I thought my eardrums would break from their screaming. But it was delightful! They may have torn the Ring to shreds, but it looked like they were all going to kill themselves too!
But they didn't, dang it. They all just stopped. I think they all got bored with the attack when they realized they'd never be able to defeat me. A few hours ago most of them left, walking away to the North. Not all of them; a few are still loitering around in the Ring. I can still see a couple from here. Stupid darned wretched Ents! When I get the Ring I'll burn all their forests to the ground.
But I'm stuck here, at least until these last few trees pack up and leave and go attack somebody else. Once they go, though, I'm heading South. My troops should be starting to sack Edoras tomorrow morning, and then I'll be able to claim the Ring for myself. But I need news, dang it; and my crows refuse to come while those last few trees are here. And I don't dare use the Ball; this is the last thing I'd want Him to find out about! No, no, patience, I must be patient; once these last few deranged trees get tired of standing around they'll leave to cause ruin elsewhere, and I can continue with my plans. I've almost got the Ring; all I have to do now is be patient.
I'll definitely need a new fortress. Something with a decent kitchen for a change. I wonder if the Barad-dur has a good kitchen?
4 March 3019: Dang those stupid Ents! They're making my life horrible. I woke up choking around three this morning, and found the room full of smoke; I thought I'd been smoking in bed again, but no! The darn trees have flooded the Ring! They poured water in for hours; it's been flooding all the basements, the factories, breeding-pits, storerooms, armouries, dungeons, playrooms, everything! The Downward Passage has been flooded all day. I'm trapped in here like an ant. It's only been the last few hours that I've been able to open a window around here.
I don't know how the heck I'm going to get all this repaired.
Once my troops get the Ring from Edoras, how the heck am I going to get out of here to get it? It's not like these Trees are going to provide me with a rowboat. This is really making me sick. And there's nothing to eat around here; just some cheese and crackers, and the cask of wine I had waiting for the victory celebration. I knew I should have kept some more food in the Tower! Dang it, the hunger's making me lightheaded. I've been chain-smoking all afternoon; it clears the stench from the flooding, and takes my mind off the hunger. I've got to think of a way out of here. Maybe if I stand on the roof all night like Olorin did, some Eagle will get me out of here and out onto the plain. Or it could just tear me apart, too; they were always Mithrandir's allies anyway. I wonder if that fool Radagast the Bird-Lover knows what's happened? Not that you can ever find him when you need him. Dang it, I've got to get out of here so I can receive the Ring!
5 March 3019: I spent most of the night up on the roof. No Eagles. I drank all the wine; it was the only thing I had left, apart from some stale biscuits I found behind a cabinet. I fear I drank too heavily, and spent a large part of the night (at least, the part I can remember) tracing the lines on the floor with my fingers. I've spent most of the day with a desperate hangover.
That pathetic dork Worm arrived this morning, too; the trees even let him come to the Tower. I thought when I saw him that he'd gotten word of the Ring from Theoden, or perhaps laid hands on the Ring itself, and was bringing it to me! Why else would he leave Edoras? So once he got to the door I yanked him inside - he was soaking wet, and covered in slime, and one of those danged trees was nearby - and slammed the door. "What in the heck happened here?" he gasped, half-drowned. "I thought you said Isengard was invincible."
I ignored him. "Do you have the Ring?" I demanded.
"No."
"Do you have any food?"
"I don't have anything," he whimpered. "They kicked me out of the hall. It was either come here, or ride into battle."
I let go of him and he fell to the floor like a sack of potatoes. What I wouldn't give for a sack of potatoes! "The strawheads are riding to battle?" I demanded. "Where? How long ago did they leave?"
"Uh, they didn't say where," Worm snivelled. "Probably took Eomer's advice, and went for the Fords, I'd guess. And they probably left on the same day I did, the second. Hey, what day is it, anyhow?"
"Then they've probably already fought their battle by now," I mused. My forces were enough to mop up any army Theoden could muster, fighting in open ground at the Fords; it could be that the Ring was already on its way here. I still had a chance.
"When it's all over, will I still get Eowyn?" Grima asked.
"Eowyn?" I screamed. "Eowyn!? I'll give you Eowyn! Filthy little bag of grease. Don't whine to me about trifles! Ask me again once I have the Ring! Once we defeat the former Ring-lord and burn down a few of these forests, and get a couple of decent square meals, then we'll see about getting you that skinny bleached tomboy. For right now, leave me alone! Watch to the South; I'm expecting a delivery." And I kicked him in the ribs and strode upstairs.
Grima's pathetic whining hadn't made my hangover any better; I spent the rest of the morning chain-smoking and holding my head between my hands. (Now the pipe-weed is starting to run low! If I run out of that, I'm going to be really ticked.) Just past noon Worm started banging on the door; the noise was so loud, I thought my head was going to explode. "Go away, you groveling insect!" I cried.
"But there's people on the Road," Grima said. "Coming this way."
I flung the door open, pushed past Worm and darted for the southern windows. My troops! The Ring! They were here at last! The water had receded, I noted, and the ground was visible; they had a clear path to the Tower. Would the Trees give them any trouble? But even as I looked, my hopes were dashed yet again: they weren't my troops, they were darn Horsemen, and it looked like Olorin at their head! "I thought he was dead," I whispered.
"Didn't you know?" Worm whined. "He woke Theoden. I saw him twice on the plain on the way here; he's been everywhere! And he's been calling up legends out of the ground, it seems; the tall guy over there says he's Isildur's heir. Eogorne, I think he said his name was."
"You're delusional," I spat. "Even if there were an heir of Isildur, would he have a strawhair's name?" But I was staring at Olorin. Something felt different about him. I've always been suspicious about him; but now he looked different, somehow, even at this range. Could he have the Ring? It had to be either him, or Theoden; that would explain his shaking off old age and riding into battle once again. It was also the only way they could defeat my troops! I decided Theoden must have the Ring.
And as I watched, a few of them (including a couple of children and this so-called "Isildur's Heir") were dismissed to stand watch at the gates, and the others went around to the North. I spat at Worm as we moved to a northern window. "I see Eogorne got left behind to stand watch," I hissed. "Not being treated very well for an Heir of Isildur, is he?" Wormtongue just whimpered and crawled off somewhere.
But then Theoden and Olorin added insult to injury, and they sat down to the North with all their troops and had a big merry picnic! Right in my view! Here I am starving, nothing left to eat here but stale biscuits, and they sit there eating what looked to be a twelve-course meal! Dang them! I felt myself salivating more and more the longer I watched. The vicious, heartless..oooh! Olorin put them up to this, I just know it.
After I'd watched all I could stand, I knew all hope was lost. Obviously they had the Ring, and obviously I was not in a position to defeat them myself. Did any of my army still exist? Could they make it here in time to overpower Theoden so I could recover the Ring? After all, there weren't more than thirty of them here. I didn't see any choice. I went upstairs to the Pedestal and sat down at the Ball. The idea of facing Him terrified me, but it was the only way I had to locate my troops. I hesitated for what seemed like hours, then I removed the cloth to gaze at the Ball.
No sooner had I done so, though, than Worm began banging at the door. "They're here!" he cried. "They're outside the door. They're calling for you!"
"Stay here!" I ordered. I went down to the balcony, and stepped out to speak to them from there.
...I don't even want to talk about this. I tried talking to Theoden first, thinking he had the Ring, and hoping I could ally with him now and steal the Ring from him (or have Grima steal it for me) later. At length, though, he made it clear he didn't have it. Stupid old goat! After I insulted him, I turned my full attention upon Olorin.


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## e.Blackstar (May 5, 2003)

YET MOREObviously he had the Ring; I should have realized that immediately. He seemed more powerful; also he had rebodied far too quickly after vanishing in the Mines. The Ring must have been claimed by him! I used all the powers I had; I tried to entice him back inside, as I had before, but this time he refused. And then he had the temerity to ask me if I wanted to come down! Very tempted I was to do so; I could have escaped the Tower, and been free. But then he demanded the keys to Orthanc! My home, gosh darn it! And my staff! This was asking too danged much. I told him to go shoot himself and went back in to use the Ball; if I could summon my army here quickly enough I'd mop the stones with his insolent tongue, Ring or no Ring!
But then he used a word of Command. I didn't know he was even capable of it. And then... he broke my staff! And destroyed my colour! It must be the Ring! It's the only possible explanation! He could never have done that to me without it! And just as they were all getting ready to go, Worm threw something heavy out the window at them (though he just about knocked my head off doing it). Danged insolent fool! But the worst part of my day was still coming.
I was stripped of power; I felt like an ordinary mortal Man, tired and weakened. But if I could find my armies with the Ball, and could somehow get word to them, I would still have one last chance of killing Olorin, and gaining the Ring, and regaining my powers. I ran upstairs and found Worm standing next to the Pedestal.
And the Ball was missing. That stupid little irresponsible kleptomaniac must have snagged it. "Where's the Ball?" I demanded.
"Ball?" he asked.
"The Ball," I growled. "The palantir. The big black thing. Don't play with me, Worm! I need it now! It's our only hope! Where the heck is it?" I started to look under the table for it.
"I, uh," he whined, "I threw it at them. Didn't you see it? I was aiming at them, I promise!"
...I don't remember much after that; I remember screaming, and then flying into a rage, but the memories all kind of go black after that. I look at Grima now under the rising moonlight, snivelling in the corner, and he seems to be covered with new bruises; and he shrinks back a little every time I look up. Serves him right, the little toad.
The trees are back again, too. I talked to one of them; he calls himself Treebeard, and if anything he's even more impossibly long-winded than Ulugl'm was. Still, at least I can get news from him (though he fills it with lots of grotesque moralizing), though I'm not sure how much of what he says I believe. Still, though, at least now the Ball is gone; He won't have any way to bug me any more... unless He sends the Nazgul all the way out here; but now that Olorin is wielding the Ring they're probably under his command now. They're probably spying out the Barad-dur for him even now; I doubt I'll ever see a Nazgul ever ever again.
...I'm still hungry. But at least now there's the prospect of fresh meat, at least; Grima seems kind of lean for my tastes, but he might be passable with the right seasonings.


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## spirit (May 21, 2003)

*haha*

Rolling down the hill. reach the bottom.
Pippen: Oy I think I've broken something. 
Merry: Yeah me you idiot.
Frodo: What kind of short cut is this?
Merry: To mushrooms!
Frodo: I think we should get off the path. Get off the path now.
Sam; What are you worried about. I'm here, no one'll squish us.
Frodo: Screw you guys.
*Chariot drive by and squishes Pippen Merry, and Sam. Next scene is when Frodo is setting up a grave stone on it it says, "I wish I was you. From, Frodo."*




*Boromir is dying*
Aragorn: He fought well.....
Gimly: Oh no, now the fellowship is breaking!
Legolas: MAN! I have not flossed in SO long.....



*The Ring Wraiths hear hobbit voices up on the hill*
RR#1 : At last! We have found the halflings!
RR#2: We have them now!
RR#3: Did they say nice crispy bacon?????


__________________


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## Gandalf_White (May 21, 2003)

Great ones Spirit!  

Pippin: Um, where are we going?
Merry: (punches him) duh you idiot haven't you been listening you blockhead. We're going to Mordor.
Pippin: huh? *faints*


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## spirit (May 22, 2003)

haahaa
nice one! i read some of them again and they are killing me!


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## Wonko The Sane (May 22, 2003)

Things they would NEVER say is the idea....so...


Legolas: You're right, Galadriel. You ARE prettier than I am.


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## Firawyn (May 23, 2003)

*I.H*

Sauron: YES!!! Find me..... THE DUCT TAPE!!! [/B][/QUOTE] 

lol You remind me of this annoying guy I know! The duct tape KING!!LOL! My relationship with him is we hate each other but deep inside I'm starting to like the little bugger!! 
Crap!


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## Wonko The Sane (May 23, 2003)

I remind you of someone you hate?
I'm confused.
Or was that your quote...

Anyway...


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## VioletFalcon129 (Jun 1, 2003)

Galadreial(spelling?) would never say: will you look into the mirror? NO! NEVER MIND! it's MINE! and I and the only one who is aloud to look in it. OK? is that CLEAR you stupid hairy footed 2 foot tall idiot! GO AWAY! i shall never let you camp in my nice forest or use my pretty boats. and you can SWIM the river for all i care!

Raen


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## Firawyn (Jun 1, 2003)

> _Originally posted by Wonko The Sane _
> *I remind you of someone you hate?
> I'm confused.
> Or was that your quote...
> ...



Well.... I know this guy and he uses duct tape for EVERYTHING!! That was my first point.... and this guy is a person who lives for teasing me. So for that I hated him. But recently he has "grown-up" and we are now getting to me friends.....Make sence now?


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## Kelonus (Jun 1, 2003)

Sam: Frodo? Mr. Frodo?
Frodo: What is it? You annoy me?


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## Firawyn (Jun 1, 2003)

Sam: Mr. Frodo? Frodo!
Frodo:Sam, What is it?
Sam:I thought I'd lost you!
Frodo: That's because I was trying to lose you, you blockhead!


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## Gary Gamgee (Jun 2, 2003)

Gollum to Sam ' Here's the number you could, as I did, lose 30 pounds in half a century'


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## Helcaraxë (Jun 5, 2003)

Legolas- Dude! Check out that Balrog thing's horns!
Legolas- Sorry. I can't make that shot. (i.e., with a bow)
Bilbo- Phew! Good thing Frodo got that ring off my hands!
Gollum- Nonononooooo nice hobittses...we likes our rabittses cooked!
Golum- Must destroy the Precious!
Frodo talking to Gandalf- Oh yeah?! And why should I believe you about all this ring crud?!
Sam- Master, you're really starting to tick me off.


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## Morgoth (Jun 9, 2003)

This one's for the X-Men fans:
Gandalf: You should have killed me when you had the chance, Charles.... what d'you mean i'm reading the wrong bloody script?


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## Hawk (Jun 11, 2003)

Aragorn *as a salesman on the home shopping network*: Buy this one of a kind sword, Narsil, it slices, it dices, and best of all it will not break. It will not break!*Swings sword at a dunny, it shatters into the Shards of Narsil* 
It broke.


(I know this is really bad, but it is the best I could do with soo little sleep, was really bored so I thought I'd try anyway)


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## Hawk (Jun 11, 2003)

"Swings sword at a dunny, it shatters into the Shards of Narsil* "
*dummy.


I told you I was tired.


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## Elbereth (Mar 6, 2004)

*When Frodo tries on the mithril chainmail vest*

"Tell me the truth. Does this make me look fat?"


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## Morfea (Mar 15, 2004)

Sam: "Ohh Frodo..kiss my ***..I'm outa here!..put that ring up your something!..stupid high looking hobbit"
Sauron: "The ring..Where have I heard about that?"


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## Fuzzy_Feet88 (Mar 24, 2004)

I think that i might have some...
Treebeard: Does anyone have a toothpick??
Gimli: Does this armor make me look fat??


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## Darkknight (Apr 24, 2004)

"The Force is with you, young Frodo, but you are not a Jedi yet." --Gandalf, upon giving Frodo the Ring


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## Hawk (Apr 25, 2004)

Frodo: Forget this whole ring quest, I never wanted the thing anyway.
Sam: No?
Frodo: No, what I always really wanted was to be a lumberjack!
_singing_ "I'm a lumberjack and that's ok"... etc.


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## Ambartur (Apr 25, 2004)

*Gandalf standing on Khazad-dum. Balrog walks up*

Gandalf--What...is your name?
Balrog--Valaruko.
Gandalf--What...is your quest?
Balrog--To carry out the will of Melkor
Gandalf--What...is your favorite color?
Balrog--Well, it's sort of a combination between dark, dark red and everlasting black...So I suppose it would be something weird, like...something without a name...
Gandalf--*thinks* Hmm...Alright, over you go


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## Darkknight (Apr 26, 2004)

"Mr. Frodo, let's forget this whole cast the ring in Mount Doom thing and fry some onion rings."


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## morning star (May 1, 2004)

You wore The Ring on your toe Mr. Frodo?--Sam
Toe rings are all the rage these days!---Frodo


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## Kailita (May 6, 2004)

Eowyn: Oh no, it's all right, you Riders go on ahead. I'm going to sit home and clean house. Some of the girls are coming over and we're going to have a sewing circle!


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## Wolfshead (May 27, 2004)

Hawk said:


> Frodo: Forget this whole ring quest, I never wanted the thing anyway.
> Sam: No?
> Frodo: No, what I always really wanted was to be a lumberjack!
> _singing_ "I'm a lumberjack and that's ok"... etc.


Haha  

I'm thinking something along the lines of

Legolas: "I look like a ponce, don't I?"

Yes, I'm tired, I should not be allowed near a humourous thread in my current state


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## Kailita (May 31, 2004)

Ambartur said:


> *Gandalf standing on Khazad-dum. Balrog walks up*
> 
> Gandalf--What...is your name?
> Balrog--Valaruko.
> ...


Haha!  How did I miss that one the first time? That's great...


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## morning star (Jun 12, 2004)

Very right.....very right...


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## Barliman Butterbur (Jun 17, 2004)

Frodo (in the Green Dragon): "Rosie, I'll have a bowl of matzoball soup, cheese blintzes with jam and sour cream, a pastrami on rye with kosher dills, and an egg cream."


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## morning star (Jul 5, 2004)

Legolas: HI!(while staring at a female elf's boobs) My name is Legolas!!!!


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## Morgoth (Jul 7, 2004)

Monty Python influence:
Boromir (to Aragorn, while stuck with arrows): 'Tis but a scratch (I think this has probably been done before, what with the sheer amount of Python fans there are on the site, but i couldnt be bothered to trawl through all the pages)
Gandalf faces down the Balrog at Khazad-dum
Frodo: You know when you said about seeing the markings on the ring
Gandalf: Yes....?
Frodo: I was only having a laugh


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## Arathin (Jul 13, 2004)

That was hella hilarious!!!

and at least you put dearest Glorfindel in there instead of silly Arwen... (WHO SOOOO DID NOT SAVE FRODO!!!!!!!!!)


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## Confusticated (Jul 15, 2004)

*pats self on back*


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## e.Blackstar (Jul 27, 2004)

uh...

Arwen to Eowyn: Okay, this is it. One final catfight to decide it forever. Winner take all!

Theoden:Uh...Hama, you hold the gate, I'm gonna go ride out through the mountains and disappear.

*Gimli flipping around doing kung-fu* hehe


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## eowyn57 (Aug 17, 2004)

Morgoth said:


> This one's for the X-Men fans:
> Gandalf: You should have killed me when you had the chance, Charles.... what d'you mean i'm reading the wrong bloody script?


Genius! Sheer Genius! Having just seen an interview with Sir Ian...I laughed my a&*$e off when I read this one!

Okay...how about this?
Sam & Frodo following Gollum, who is saying: Wake up, sleepies. Miles to go yet..."Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"


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## Arthur_Vandelay (May 3, 2005)

Gandalf, reading from the Book of Mazarbul: "Listen to this. _I watched a snail crawl along the edge of a straight razor. That's my dream. That's my nightmare. Crawling, slithering, along the edge of a straight... razor... and surviving_."

...................

Wormtongue: "Did you know that 'if' is the middle word in 'life?' Did you know that 'rum' is the middle word in 'Saruman?'"

..................

[size=-1]Imrahil: "Surely this is the greatest jest in all the history of Gondor: that we should ride with seven thousands, scarce as many as the vanguard of its army in the days of its power, to assail the mountains and the impenetrable gate of the Black Land! So might a child threaten a mail-clad knight with a bow of string and green willow!"
Gandalf: "Sauron don't surf!"

...................

Aragorn: Let's hunt some Orc!
[/size]


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## ingolmo (May 3, 2005)

Gandalf - I am no longer Gandalf the white. I am Gandalf of many colours.

Gandalf to Frodo <irritated>- Give me that ring! I'll take to Mordor! Humph!

Gimli (or any other dwarf)- I think I'll just climb up that comfy tree for a rest. 

-Ingolmo


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