# Random Elgee Culture/Entertainment/Literature Rant, takes on Charlotte's Web



## HLGStrider (Jul 17, 2008)

OK! So why the heck did Sam Shepard do the narration for "Charlotte's Web?" I loved this movie. It made me cry. It was faithful to the book in all things important (except keeping Wilbur a cute little piglet the whole time when really he was supposed to grow into a fine, fat swine at the end). Dakota Fanning was adorable. Julia Roberts was actually a great choice for the voice of Charlotte, which surprised me. I didn't like Oprah as the Goose, that I'll also admit . . . but why Sam Shepard?
The guy doesn't have a great voice in my opinion. Possibly they were going for a down home approach because the man tends to write plays based in the rural south west (according to my former theater teacher. We did some scenes from his work), but if you are hiring an actor simply for a voice part, there are richer voices out there. 
Narration is an extremely important part of book to movie. The best part of the somewhat disappointing "Grinch" movie of a few years back was Anthony Hopkin's wonderful voice in the background. Ian McKellen provided a deep, wonderful layer to 'Stardust' without ever appearing on screen, and who can forget Peter Falk as the grandfather/narrator of "The Princess Bride." Just because you don't see the part doesn't make it unimportant. 
I'm sure Sam Shepard is a wonderful actor . . .though truthfully, I've only seen him in "Baby Boom" and I really hated his hicky vet part. Why were we supposed to like this guy? Maybe because most people are more likable than Diane Keaton . . . sorry, Diane, but you've never been my favorite actress. Still, he has a lot of good credits and some award nominations that are impressive. His voice, however, just isn't rich. 
Maybe I was spoiled being raised on Sebastian Cabot. Maybe I just expect a higher standard in voice acting. Still . . . they could've done a lot better.

And now that I've dissed two people who are bound to be favorite performers of several other members, I will bow out.


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## HLGStrider (Jul 18, 2008)

*Elgee's Rants, Life, Literature, and Entertainment*

*Rant Number Three: Bond Girls, the good, the bad, and the just there because they are curvy.*

* I'd say that's pretty ridiculous, though not as ridiculous as Denise Richards playing a nuclear physicist named Christmas Jones in a Bond movie. ...*
Twenty Elgee points if you can name me the TV show that quote is from, and yes, I am keeping track. 

James Bond is one of my guilty pleasures . . . not the man, he's much too old for me and I prefer American Marines to British Navy Intelligence, but the films. I've seen all 23 . . . yes, there are currently 23 if you count Connery's admittedly awful breakaway Bond "Never Say Never Again" and don't count the spoof "Casino Royale" with David Niven and Woody Allen (Never seen it; heard it was awful and had Woody Allen in it, two reasons right there to be squeamish). "Never Say Never Again" is a rant in and of itself. If you are going to stage a late come back as a man you were already too old to play when you were in "Diamonds Are Forever" twelve years before, at least have the decency not to rip off yourself in "Thunderball," same basic idea, same girl name. . . yeah, Mr. Connery I love you, you deserve to be a legend, but please, take this movie back.

Back on subject, I've also read two of the books (_Casino Royale _and _You Only Live Twice_, both of which are interesting to compare to the movies of the same names) and have some ideas for my own Bond Screenplay . . . but my screen play (and here is where I get to the real story) would involve a girl who was actually immune to Bond's charm to the very end. Just for originality. 
In the sexist world of James Bond girls are there simply to be used and seduced. Even the few Bonds where Jamesy goes out of his way to save/help/be good to the girl, you get the feeling he is motivated by the thought of a good roll in the hay at the end of the film, and even if the girl survives until the end of the film, she has always conveniently disappeared by the beginning of the next one. Only twice does Bond apparently get emotionally attached in a real way during the course of the films, in "Casino Royale" to the (spoiler warning) traitor Vesper and Tracy of "On His Majesty's Secret Service," which possibly could've been a good movie but had such a depressing ending that nobody really cared. (Interestingly, in the book "You Only Live Twice" Bond's love interest lets him go knowing he will never return and also knowing that she is pregnant, so Bond is a father, if a dead beat one)

Still, though little more than eye-candy and plot movement, the girls pop up in a Bond movie too frequently for even the fastest whack-a-mole player to bop them all down again. Some of them are shrinking violets, ladies in distress. Others are spies, villains, scientists, important people with courages and brains. A lot of them, however are REALLY annoying. 

This is my list of the top five annoying Bond girls, not in any particular order.

I already blew her cover, so I am going to start by trotting out *Denise Richards from "The World is Not Enough."*
Yes, we get the idea. You are a scientist. You are smart. You figure out that this man isn't what he claims to be and you say technical things . . . but really, we don't believe you, and I'm sorry but can you please please please go away now. Really only two good things came out of this Bond movie:
1. Though we all will forever mourn Mr. Llewellyn and know that he is the true Q, his last performance kindly set us up with John Cleese as an appealing replacement. 
2. I like the title. It's Bond's family motto. Got to love that.

Now maybe this has something to do with me really not caring for Roger Moore Bond generally, but despite the McCartney theme song,* "Live and Let Die" suffered a lot at the hands of Jane Seymour's Solitaire. *
She got seduced, lost her magic powers, and then followed Bond around looking pitiful for the rest of the movie. Yeah . . . the whole end sequence on the train she is especially annoying. Squeaky voiced, mousy girl, who should've said, 'You know what, you are a lot greasier and cheesier than Connery . . . I think I'd rather read cards for the bad guy forever." 

Despite the fact that Christopher Lee is an intriguing bad guy, he couldn't pull "The Man with the Golden Gun" out of the gutter, and* Miss Goodnight (Britt Ekland), you are a good deal of the reason why.*
Fellow agent, dear Mary resists Bond for awhile, then decides to give in, only to have him literally shove her in a closet so he can seduce Maud Adams instead . . . yeah . . . She then prances around partially naked for the last bit of the movie which must've been the only reason they hired her in the first place at MI6. "I like a girl in a bikini, no concealed weapons." 

*"For Your Eyes Only" actually has a very good Bond girl in it, but it wasn't Lynn-Holly Johnson, AKA Bibi Dahl.*
Bibi is one of the few Bond girls Bond actually didn't sleep with, and since she was extremely willing as a character, I'm assuming this is simply because Bond found the ditz as annoying as I did. I rather liked Melina, the vengeful Greek played by Carole Bouquet. Got to love a Bond girl making references to Greek mythology and wielding a spear gun. 

Bad puns are a big part of Bond girl names, and I kind of like that. It keeps the world light, a cartoon for grown ups, *but even the joke couldn't save "Diamonds Are Forever's" Tiffany Case, the annoyingly accented Jill St. John.*
Tiffany teams up with Bond under the false impression that he is someone else and typically wears a bikini for a good deal of the movie. That sort of sums up her appearance in the film. The voice is what does it though. There was just something about this lady's voice that made me want to throw her out the window the way her henchmen tossed Plenty O'Toole topless out of Bond's hotel suite . . . yeah, Plenty was potentially annoying too, but Tiffany takes the prize.

So that's my list. As I said, no particular order. Later maybe I'll explain which Bond girls actually pulled what could be a flat roll out of a hat . . . if I feel like it.


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## Starbrow (Jul 28, 2008)

I totally agree that Tiffany Case was very annoying.

My favorite Bond movie is For Your Eyes Only. I thought that Bibi Dahl was supposed to be annoying.

I don't know which movie this is from ( they all tend to blend together for me), but the girls in bikinis that are also bodyguards for the reclusive rich guy were annoying too. I think one was named Thumper and another Bambi. Not that I have a problem with women being bodyguards, just not in bikinis. But I suppose the screenwriters weren't aiming for the women in the audience.


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## HLGStrider (Jul 28, 2008)

That's "Diamonds are Forever" too, and yeah, they were pretty awful. I just decided to limit myself to five.


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## Illuin (Jul 28, 2008)

> _by HLGStrider_
> _the girls pop up in a Bond movie too frequently for even the fastest whack-a-mole player to bop them all down again_


 
Ha ha . Now that’s a keeper :-D

_



"On His Majesty's Secret Service," which possibly could've been a good movie but…”

Click to expand...

_A little subconscious sarcasm there? On *His* Majesty’s Secret Service?


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