# Bilbo's spoons - the shocking truth!!!



## Turgon (Apr 12, 2002)

*Bilbo's spoons - the shocking truth!!! Pt I*

The Red Book of Westmarch tells us that when Mr. Bilbo Baggins of Bag End returned from his adventures in the east (immortalised in his own words as 'There and Back Again, a Hobbit's Holiday), he was shocked, nay stunned, to find that a large quantity of his best silver spoon had mysteriously 'vanished'... History also tells us that the main suspect for this theft was a certain Mrs. Lobelia Sackville-Baggins. Aha, but history is, as has oft been said, written by the victors. Yet new information has now come to my attention, and I feel that it is now time to release it to the world at large... Namely that the thief of the aforemention spoons was none other than _Gandalf the Grey_. The Red Book tells us that at around 10.45am on the morning of April 27th T.A. 2941, Mr Baggins left Bag End without a hat, a walking stick, or any money. What history doesn't tell us is that at 11.00am, a mere 15 minutes after Bilbo's departure Gandalf the Grey was seen departing from Bag End carrying a large sack full of (ahem!) handerchiefs. Yet a certain Gaffer Gamgee, who often did a 'bit of work' for Bilbo, was often heard to say, and I quote. 'Aye, I remember Mr. Gandalf rushing off after Mr. Baggins and those Dwarf fellows, plain as it was yesterday, ran straight through a bed of Nasturtiums he did, his sack o' hankerchiefs _a-clinking and a-rattling_ behind him as he went.' Now of course to the untrained mind, this may seem like purely circumstantial evidence. But let it be noted Gandalf had the opportunity to commit the crime, and a witness saw him leaving the scene of the crime - with an unidentified, yet highly suspect package...


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## Úlairi (Apr 12, 2002)

That's a good one Turgon!


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## Lantarion (Apr 12, 2002)

ROTFL! 
Haha, very good Turgon! Excellent. Gandalf, the Maia of Spoons!


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## EverEve (Apr 12, 2002)

LMAO! That was great!


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## Elbereth (Apr 12, 2002)

LOL!!! Who knew Gandalf had that in him?


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## Úlairi (Apr 12, 2002)

Gandalf the thieving wizard, ha, what a concept!


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## Turgon (Apr 12, 2002)

*The Shocking Truth Pt II*

Futhermore, sources in Rivendell indicate that around this time one 'Pretty-boy' Glorfindel, a notorious Elf (ahem!crime) Lord, was known to be heading west on 'business', taking with him a ten year old boy - Aragorn son of Arathorn, ostensibly to show him the ways of the world. (This boy would learn many things from Pretty-boy, in later life he would be known for his skills in spying, eavesdropping and walking in shadows). Now this 'trip' may not seem remarkable in itself, until one remembers that Gandalf the Grey, suspected spoon robber, mysteriously disappeared from the party of Mr. Bilbo Baggins and the company of Dwarves, then travelling in the Trollshaws near Rivendell, for a period of at least twelve hours. I summit that _at this time_ Gandalf met up with the 'Elf' Lord and his apprentice, and sold the spoons on for a tidy sum. Why would Gandalf the wise sink to common robbery?
i) Gandalf had not received a pay-check, from his employer (one Manwe Sulimo) since T.A. 1100 and was understandably short of cash.
ii) Gandalf was addicted to pipe-weed, he would do anything to get his daily fix.
iii)Many years before Gandalf had sold Bilbo's Grandfather, the Old Took, a pair of magic studs, the payment of which the Old Took subsequently defaulted on, claiming that the studs were a present (and setting a family precedent). Reason enough surely for Gandalf to extract payment from his Grandson?

Gandalf Greyhame, J'accuse...


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## Úlairi (Apr 13, 2002)

That's brilliant Turgon! When's the next one? LOL!


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## Lantarion (Apr 13, 2002)

That really is amazing! You are a comic genious!! Write and publish a book full of those kind of things, you'd make a fortune!


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## Beorn (Apr 13, 2002)

These are absolutely great! Keep going!


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## Turgon (Apr 14, 2002)

Cool! I'm glad you like my thread... I'll nail that swindling old duffer yet. Justice will be served.


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## Úlairi (Apr 14, 2002)

Of course we like your thread! It's brilliant. Post part three please!


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## Adrastea (Apr 14, 2002)

I love the first on...Who would of guessed Gandalf...


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## Úlairi (Apr 14, 2002)

I am going to print this and show it to some friends of mine! I have completely subscribed to this thread!


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## Isilme (Apr 14, 2002)

I already did! Well I actually printed it for my dad but it cracked him up! And I told my friends and they loved it!!

Oh this is Elenya cause I'm too lazy to log on under my name right now.


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## EverEve (Apr 14, 2002)

LOL! How do you come up with this stuff?


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## Isilme (Apr 14, 2002)

she's just crazy! ~isilme

ouch ~elenya


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## Taran (Apr 14, 2002)

LOL! Turgon those are absolutly HILARIOUS *gasping for breath...sides...aching...* Is Pt. III forthcoming? I certainly hope so!


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## Turgon (Apr 14, 2002)

Currently having a legal dispute with the Estate of Elessar Telcontar, for permission to print extracts from 'The Secret Diary of Estel of Rivendell' The document which will prove my case once and for all, they seem *very* reluctant to have them released. I fear this cover up goes right to the top...


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## Úlairi (Apr 15, 2002)

I am planning to get a pHd in law myself in the future! Perhaps I can help you get it off of them as the are with-holding evidence which is vital for your case Turgon!


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## tom_bombadil (May 4, 2002)

dats really funny lol


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## mistymoon (May 5, 2002)

gandalf a thief? 

that explains most of his disappearings.... 

hilarious idea  but i like it.


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## Mrs. Baggins (May 5, 2002)

One word:

Lobelia Sackville-Baggins (can you believe she and Frodo are related?)


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## Beorn (May 5, 2002)

Can we have the next part?

This is great!


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## Zale (May 5, 2002)

*bump*

ROFL Turgon! When's the next one?

I knew Gandalf was too good to be true...


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## HLGStrider (May 13, 2002)

Poor Aragorn... such a tragic childhood... a mobster at ten...


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## Turgon (May 15, 2002)

*'..the law's delay...'*

After many weeks in the Law-courts of Gondor, fighting and failing for permission to publish extracts from 'The Secret Diary of Estel of Rivendell' the work which, I believed, would provide conclusive proof of the guilt of Gandalf the Grey in the case of the missing spoons. I have decided - due to the turmoil caused by the Passing of the Late King of Gondor - which has brought the law-courts to a stand still - to let the matter rest for now. When the King is decently laid to rest and a fitting period of mourning has passed I intend to 'Publish and be Damned'.

Fortunately another manuscript has fallen into my possession dating back to the last years of the Third Age of Middle-Earth and written by one Robin Smallburrow, Shirriff of the Shire. Shirriff Smallburrow was ordered by Lotho Sackville-Baggins (defacto ruler of The Shire during the War of the Rings) to conduct an investigation into the Theft of the Spoons in the hope of clearing his mother's name. The cover-ups and conspiracies unmasked by this diligent servant of truth will make for shocking reading - Smallburrow spent the remainder of his life trying to bring Gandalf to justice - and was quite close to achieving this ambition before the wily wizard escaped from the short arm of the law once and for all - just how close remains to be seen...


Author's note: Thanks for the support guys - extracts from the Casebook of Shirriff Smallburrow will be posted this weekend for those of you still interested.


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## Aerin (May 16, 2002)

Oh, yes, do post the next part! The previous bits are hilarious! I love 'em!


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## Chymaera (May 17, 2002)

*applause...bravo...excellent work*


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## Turgon (May 19, 2002)

*The Casebook of Robin Smallburrow*

Author's Note: These writings are from a manuscript copy of The Casebook of Robin Smallburrow' - a rather interesting work - written in a style Shirriff Smallburrow, liked to call hard boiled. In it can be found the most pesuasive evidence of the Gandalf the Grey's guilt in regard to the case of Bilbo Bagginses lost silverware and it is on this merit alone that I thrust it on the public.

*The Casebook of Robin Smallburrow*

25th March 1419 SR

It was raining hard the night the Widow called on me. There I was in my office - smoking a pipe of Old Toby's and gulching a down a couple of fingers of ale, when in she walked - like she owned the place - and there was something in the way she held her umbrella that made you think twice about telling her otherwise. 
'I'm looking for Shirriff Smallburrow...' she said with a soft Hardbottle burr.
'Looks like you found him, lady, what do you want.'
'The Boss wants to see you Sherriff - don't keep him waiting.' She ran her hand along the edge of my desk. 'You know... we Sackville-Bagginses usual get what we want...'
I took another gulch of ale and tapped my pipe out into a flower pot. 
'Okay Lady. Tell him I'll be right over.'
'I'll do that Shirriff - Just don't be long now do you hear?' With this she turned to leave. As she opened the door she stopped and opened her umbrella. 'I'll be seeing *you* around.'

Confusticate it! More trouble? I'd just got back from a case up north - some nut had seen a tree dancing out on the moors and I'd been sent up there to scope it out - the guy looked like a bumpkin to me, probably smashed on moonshine - a two day journey - there and back - through the biggest rain storm the Shire had seen in years... but I was used to pounding the beat - I was a bounder see - tougher than dwarven pastry - hard boiled you might say. Still... a Sherriff's work is never door - I grabbed my cloak and my Shirriff hat and set off into the rain.


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## I.am.Smeagol (May 19, 2002)

*Cannot...Stop...Laughing!....Twitch...Laugh...Giggle...Falling out of chair,,,eeep...giggle*
These are great! Keep it up!


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## My_Precious (May 20, 2002)

> She ran her hand along the edge of my desk. 'You know... we Sackville-Bagginses usual get what we want...'


ROFLMAO!!!!
These are hilarious!! Cannot wait for the next one!!!


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## Chymaera (Jun 1, 2002)

Turgon:
I am enjoying your investigative reporting. I have recently come across a newspaper advertisment that could possibly be related to your investigations, The Grey Havens Tattler / Classifides. Of course this information can only be verified by a professional like yourself. I felt that it was my duty as a citizen of this forum to bring this information to your attention. Best of luck in your future prusuit of justice.


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## Úlairi (Jun 2, 2002)

Turgon, you are a card!!!  I cannot stop laughing.


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## Aldarion (Jun 10, 2002)

Turgon, you're articulate and irreverend humour is quite marvellous: next installment please...


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## Dragon (Jun 13, 2002)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

SO FUNNY!

Keep 'em comin'!!!


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## Beorn (Jun 14, 2002)

I think we're going to need to keep buggin him for each one!


*bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug*

PLEASE! These are hilarious!


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## Glorfindels Gal (Jun 14, 2002)

V.V. funny! Not too sure that my elf (Glorfindel) was as much involved in this act of treachery as you say. I personally think it was Elrond himself disgusing his appearance so that he could frame poor Glorfindel!


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## Wonko The Sane (Jun 14, 2002)

*laughs insanely*
SPOONS!


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## Wonko The Sane (Jun 25, 2002)

*hates mean people*


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## FINGOLFIN (Jul 12, 2002)

*It is worse than you think...*

It has recently come to the attention of the Shirrifs office that Gandalf (last seen wearing white) was also involved in the recruitment of fledgling criminals. The Shirrifs have recieved reports that a certain "Bilbo" was under the influence of this Gandalf character when he undertook the stealing of a large jewel. Reportedly, he then took it straight to Gandalf who apparently had promised him some smaller "jools" and a few bags of gold in return.

This Gandalf is known to travel under many aliases and is also known to wear grey on occassion. If you see him, please do not try to apprehend him yourself, call the Shirrifs office.

We also have reports of his trafficking in "weed", though the shirrifs believe it may just be someone who resembles him.


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## HLGStrider (Jul 12, 2002)

Clever...


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## Wonko The Sane (Jul 15, 2002)

Hmm...Better tell Gandalf White to be on the alert.


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## Chymaera (Feb 15, 2003)

Turgon will the story ever be complete?


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## Turgon (Feb 15, 2003)

Indeed it will Chymaera... I've been working this story into something called 'A Rough Guide to Middle-earth' which I've been working on for a while now... hopefully I'll start posting it up on the Tolkien Wiki real soon!


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## Chymaera (Feb 15, 2003)

Hooray!

I am sure that your Guide won't be too too rough

As long as your stories are not forgotten


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## e.Blackstar (Nov 8, 2005)

^bump^ ('cause it's funny!)

Bravisimo, Turgon! A nice bit of detective work...


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## Noldor_returned (Nov 9, 2005)

You are hilarious Turgon. But are you a lawyer by proffession, just on the off-hand?


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## Wolfshead (Nov 11, 2005)

Someone else has probably already pointed this out, but I haven't looked at the whole thread...

I was always under the impression it was Sam who stole the spoons. According to Bored of the Rings (and I've changed their names back to the original...)



> Gaining their wandering attention, Frodo inspected his companions and their kits. As he had feared, his orders had been forgotten and everyone had brought the potato salad. Everyone *except Sam*, who had stuffed his knapsack with sleazy novels and *Bilbo's tablespoons*.


Then later



> On and on they trod, vainly calling after the folk whose evidence of passage lay after them: a scrap of breaded veal cutlet, a sleazy hobbit novel, one of *Bilbo's tablespoons* (_What a coincidence_, Frodo thought.)


I rest my case.


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## Majimaune (Nov 14, 2005)

turgon keep going other wise i'll have to bug you with beorn
*bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug*
*bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug*
*bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug*
*bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug*
*bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug*
*bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug**bug*

ok thats all right for now


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