# RIP Mitch...



## Thorondor (Apr 4, 2005)

I was saddened to learn that my favorite comedian died this last week, reportedly from heart problems. His name was Mitch Hedberg, and was loved by a cult following for his wacky thoughts on life. For years my friends and I have been telling each other his jokes, and I still can't help but laugh when someone mentions smacky the frog, or an infestation of Koalas...

If you loved him too, here are *a lot* of his jokes, and if you didn't, enjoy them anyway, but check out his performances...his performances made them more than just words on paper.

www.mitchhedberg.net

www.startribune.com/stories/462/5323039.html

My apartment is infested with Koala bears, it is the cutest infestation ever, way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of Koala bears scatter. I don't want them to, you know. I'm like, 'Hey hold on fellas, let me hold one of you - feed you a leaf.’ Koala bears are so cute, why do they have to be so far away from me. We need to ship a few over, so I can hold one, and pat it on its head.



I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here.



My friend was walking down the street and he said, 'I hear music.' As if there is any other way of taking it in. I tried to taste it, but it did not work.



My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said, 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so, yeah.'



Escalators never break. The just become stairs. They shouldn't say, 'Escalator temporarily out of order, sorry for the inconvenience.' They should say, 'Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.'



I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long



I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.



I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.



If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be f***ed up.



I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall.



This shirt is dry clean only. Which means...it's dirty.



At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said "Certainly." He said "Do I need to dial 9?" I say "Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick."



My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! F***. Seven. I need more dice.



I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time.



The thing about tennis is: no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're ****ing relentless.



A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.



This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to hard.



You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.





I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something that is going on. "What time is it, Mitch?" "Uh, that guy is eating a hamburger." "S***, I had to be somewhere..."



I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.



I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying...



I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D".



A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll go and replace it before they check it off, but they make that stuff impossible to replace. I go to the store and ask, "Do you have coke in a glass harmonica? ...Do you have individually wrapped cashews?"



It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.



Someone handed me a picture and said, "This is a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "...Here's a picture of me when I'm older." Where'd you get that camera man?



I wrote a letter to my dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it so i crossed it out and wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, dad - there's a lot of **** you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away...


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## Thorondor (Apr 4, 2005)

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right.



I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. 

I like cinnimon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnimon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.



My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause."



That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me."



I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips...



Every time I go and shave, I assume there is somebody else on the planet shaving as well, so I say, "I'm gonna go shave too."



I had a velco wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction.



I had a bag of fritos, they were texas grilled fritos. These fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of something, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on, better flip that frito, dad, you know how I like mine.



I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.



The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'll say, "Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough."



A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.



You know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it "Mitch", and then re-attached it, and call it "Mitch-all-together".



On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where'd you get that banana?



I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly...



I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill...



I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too. (It probably got the better of you Mitch)

RIP Mitch


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## Hammersmith (Apr 4, 2005)

I heard he died, but I wasn't sure who he is. Now I'm sure that I wish I did. Those are hilarious!

RIP Mitch


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## Thorondor (Apr 4, 2005)

yeah, he was the funniest comedian out there right now. All his sets he would just sit back with dark sunglasses on and stare at the ground and mumble all his odd thoughts. And most of them didn't even go anywhere. Like on his first CD, strategic Grill locations, my favorite part is when he just randomly says between more complicated jokes, "popicles are for summertime". No back story, no punchline, just something he thought up. hmmmmm.


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## e.Blackstar (Apr 4, 2005)

Hah...like Hammersmith, I'd never heard him, but he is quite amusing from the info you provided.


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