# Classifieds



## Chymaera (May 3, 2002)

> _Originally seen in the Minas Tirith Gazette Overlithe 2851 T.A._
> * LOST
> small gold ring
> last seen near Gladden Fields
> ...


----------



## Beorn (May 3, 2002)

> Needed: 8 Members of Fellowship
> Dangerous. Pays 2x during fights.
> Death possible--Exp. needed
> Contact Mr. Anonymous in Rm. 12 @ Rdell.


----------



## Camille (May 3, 2002)

HA HA HA you are so funny!!

Look what I found this morning in the milk carton:

Missing
Meriadoc Brandigam
Peregrin Tuk
Disappeared from their camp base at west Anduin shore while playing sword fight.
Friends are desperate to know if they are okay.
Contact info to the White council or the Fellowship of the ring.


----------



## Turgon (May 3, 2002)

Excellent guys... 

Here's one I found in the Lonely Hearts Column of the Rohan Evening News.... (don't ask me what I was doing reading the the Lonely Hearts column in the REN...!?!)

'Blonde haired, Blue eyed, Shield-Maiden seeks Knight in Shining Armour to sweep her off her feet. Must have good sense of humour, own house (preferable Royal) and the crowns of at least two kingdoms. E.'


----------



## Goldberry344 (May 3, 2002)

> Wanted:
> 9 Gullible, Evil, Half-Dead Half-Alive horsemen
> Must have an odd attraction to shiny objects and be willing to serve an eye.
> Scary Black cloacs, horses and shoes will be provided.
> Please notify Sauron or Sauruman, Palantir station 1 or 5.


----------



## Camille (May 3, 2002)

*** laugh laugh***   

Another from the top ten most wanted in the Aman list:

SAURON
Aliases: The Dark Lord, Attanatar, The Necromancer,the chief, the Big eye, 

Description:
Date of birth: Time before time.
Place of Birth: Eru halls
Race: Maia
Looks like a Big Great Eye 
Ocupation: Sorcery, mind games, trying to twist every creature in ME. 

CAUTION:
Sauron is charged in connection with the fall of Numenor and try to rule over elves and men in ME, Obsessed with jewels specially golden ones.
Considered armed and extremely dangerous 
If you have any information concerning this maia please contact the White Council or Gandalf the Grey


----------



## Chymaera (May 3, 2002)

> _Originally in the Hobbiton Sunday Post 14 June 1342 S.R._
> *AUCTION:
> Messrs. Grubb, Grubb, and Burrowes
> Will sell by auction the effects of the Late Bilbo Baggins Esquire, of Bag-end, Underhill, Hobbiton
> ...


----------



## Shadowfax (May 5, 2002)

"Join the Fellowship!
5,000 gold peices for college!
See the world!
YOur local recruiter is:
Gandalf Grayhame at
1-800-SAURONSUCKS"


----------



## Goldberry344 (May 5, 2002)

MISSING!
2 miniature men, respond to the names "Mr.Frodo" and "Sam". Last seen in the company of an overgrown bullfrog. 4000000 gold piece reward...please bring to orthanc UNSPOILT! (and no, this is not a trick...). Photo enclosed.


----------



## Tar-Ancalime (May 5, 2002)

missing: Three shiny jewels
Description:
What: Jewels that hold the light of valinor within them
who: sought after by sons of faenor
where: you can return these jewels to the halls of mandos (look for floating spirits with severed body parts)
why: we have an oath yet to fulfil, to regain the silmirals


----------



## Goldberry344 (May 5, 2002)

Lost!
Shiny gold cup.
return to smaug.
In case of death, throw in lake.
for more info call 1-555-dragon9


----------



## I.am.Smeagol (May 5, 2002)

DO YOU HAVE
My gold circlet?
Last see during the Council of Me.
Please return ASAP. 
Large Reward.
For more information please call 1-800-Elrond, 
or see me (Elrond) in person.


----------



## I.am.Smeagol (May 5, 2002)

MISSING!
Large gold ring. Goes by the name of 'Precious.'
Please return to Smeagol.
Room 101 in the Misty Mountians.


----------



## Goldberry344 (May 5, 2002)

GIGGLE, smeagol...i dont know who else will get that one, though.


----------



## Shadowfax (May 5, 2002)

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS "MAN"?
*picture of Bilbo*
Please contact the Sylvan Primary Insect Defence Effort Repulsion Senter. 
Name: Bilbo Baggins
Alias: Clue Finder, Web Cutter, Stinging Fly, Lucky Number, Ringwinner, Luckwearer, Barrelrider
Desription: invisible
Crime: Wanted in connection with several murders in Eastern Mirkwood.
Consorting with elves and dwarves.
Breaing and Entering 
Felony Robbery.
Grand theft ring.
If you see him, do NOT try to detain him. He has a sharp Sting. Contact Sylvan Primary Insect Defence Effort Repulsion Senter at
1-800-SPIDERS

*my, my quite a rapsheet


----------



## Tarien (May 6, 2002)




----------



## Goldberry344 (May 6, 2002)

Missing-
One Bilbo Baggins
Last seen at his party
Mysteriously dissapeard
Suspect magic. Suspect Gandalf the Grey (disturber of the Peace)


----------



## Anamatar IV (May 6, 2002)

Wanted:
Broken sword
Must have the flame of the west.
Reward: The country of Gondor.


----------



## Goldberry344 (May 7, 2002)

Wanted
2 nassty hobbitss and a gold ring
Ring responds to name preciouss
Blue-eyed hobbit respondss to masster
Other to "Nassty Hobbit"
If in doubt, bring only ring, leave hobbitsss
pleasse deliver to the cave under the Missty Mountainsss
Reward: Free Amputation

picture enclosed


----------



## Shadowfax (May 7, 2002)

Does anyone have a better name for the anacronym S.P.I.D.E.R.S.?
how many of you got that when reading my add? how many of you thought I was off my rocker?


----------



## Anamatar IV (May 7, 2002)

Feared:
This man is armed with a mace and flys a beast.
Approach woth caution for this man can and will kill with eye contact.
Reward:
Shield Maiden and a grave next to that of Theoden Kings.


----------



## Goldberry344 (May 7, 2002)

hmmm, heres a pic, its not really a classified, but its an add...acctually, i.am.smeagol found it and im sharing...


----------



## Goldberry344 (May 7, 2002)

ok, that didnt work. im gonna try to attach it again, if it doesnt work ill try to get a link...


----------



## Goldberry344 (May 7, 2002)

ok, im really sorry about all that, my computer wont do attachments right now. here's a link..
http://www.anime.net/~laine/Parody/Lotr/milk_legolas.jpg

sorry.


----------



## Ancalagon (May 7, 2002)

Missing;

Small, gnarled, green dog-like pet,
Lamplike eyes, a few tangled strands of hair,
Likes Fish
Answers to the name; Gollum

PS. If you see him, don't use rope as he doesnt like it. And don't pet him either as he is liable to bite at your fingers.

Reward if found,

Call 0500-Stinker


----------



## ReadWryt (May 7, 2002)

mmmmmmmmmmmaale seeeeks feeeeemale for commpanionshiiiip. Muuuust like loooooong walks in the woooooods, quiet time and nice limbs. Brrroooooooooooom. Very elderly gentlemaaaaaaaan who missssssssessss wife will show yooooooou steadfast devotion. Into loooooooooooong relationships.


----------



## Legolam (May 8, 2002)

Nice one RW!  

Found:
Flaming Maia Balrog
Temperamental, answers to name of Bill
Found in deep chasm of Moria by nine misfits
Could owner contact 0808-HE-HAS-WINGS


----------



## Tar-Ancalime (May 9, 2002)

seeking nice companionship:
Hi I'm shelob..Ineed companionship in my life. I'm a spider with an attitude. I would like a guy who looks like tobey maguire and dresses in red and blue spandex suit.howevery you must be sensetive to things like a big fiery eyeball and visting orcs.
(get it spider-man, spider woman)
contact me at:1-800-cirithungol

answer to add:

Shelob my sweet. I don't exactly look like tm but I can where the red and blue spandex. I have gigantic lamplike eyes and I can turn invisble. Respond soon my precious


----------



## Úlairi (May 12, 2002)

Wanted:

1 x Large, broad, pointy hat (grey)
1 x Overcoat (also grey)
1 x Garment (Ah! How coincidental, this is grey also!)
1 x Undergarment (you'll never guess the color of this one! By the way, the person who finds this please pardon the horrendous smell that may be emanating from it, I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it! I was walking along and it just somehow, escaped! Pardon me nevertheless!)
1 x Ring (Red, responds to the name of Narya by flashing its golden self, oh wait, I've found that so disregard this!)

Please notify Gandalf the White (previously Gandalf the Grey) as he is extremely distressed and says that he doesn't feel photogenic in White. It would be much appreciated if you found any of the items listed. Those who return these garments are rewarded by winning a trip to Mordor - the land where the Shadows lie and can meet the famous Sauron in person, there you can experience the fine torture chambers, relax in the Barad-dur jacuzzi, where there are real live alligators! There, you can go and relax in the sauna's that Sammath Naur has to provide and you can have fun by throwing One Ring replicas into the Crack of Doom (but hey, don't you go falling in now! So, if you find any of these items of clothing and wish to claim this wonderful prize please contact Gandalf on our toll-free line:

1800-DESTROY-THE-RING, or, alternatively you can contact him on his e-mail, [email protected]


----------



## I.am.Smeagol (May 12, 2002)

*Lost*
Balrog repelant, 
last seen at the House of the Golden Flower, mid 1st age. 
If found please return to Glorfindel ASAP. 
Large Reward.


----------



## Úlairi (May 13, 2002)

What'd you think of mine I.am.Smeagol?


----------



## Beorn (May 13, 2002)

I found an old newspaper the other day...from TA 3019...

Lost: Frodo's Sanity
Locale: Mount Doom
Description: Frodo uses it to control his occasional outbursts of power-hunger.

If found, please return to MT immeadietly, to Frodo's side.

REWARD!


----------



## Tar-Ancalime (May 13, 2002)

Lost and found:these Items will be taken to Rivendells antiquites room if not claims.

Narsil:see if you can put it together
one ring: still lost
Elronds pink,fuzzy bunny slippers: sorley needed 
Frodo's spare breeches: found in Sam's room.
pink bath soap:go to store to buy more..Damn wrong list
One purple dress:found in Elronds chambers.
strigle:suspect to be used by sam when giving frodo plationic brother back massages found in Sams room.


----------



## Úlairi (May 15, 2002)

Wanted:

Name: Smeagol-Gollum
Nationality: Hobbit
Type of Nationality: Stoor
Charge: For possessing an illegal substance namely gold in the shape of a Ring. Extremely powerful, do not try on.

If found, please notify Sauron's secretary on 1800-GEE-IT'S-HOT-IN-THE-LAND-WHERE-THE-SHADOWS-'SUPPOSEDLY'-LIE.


----------



## Chymaera (May 16, 2002)

> _Originally seen in Erebor Press _
> *Tried of living high on the hog?
> Want to see the world?
> Test your metal on Orc-necks
> ...


----------



## Úlairi (May 17, 2002)

I found this in the newspaper _Valinor Today_:



> Wanted: Melkor "Morgoth" Bauglir.
> Offence: Theft, namely the Silmarils, Vandalism, namely the Two Trees, and Murder, namely Finwe.
> If you have any information concerning the matter please contact Curufinwe on 1900-I-AM-THE-BEST-AT-EVERYTHING.
> We also have reason to believe that Melkor had an accomplis, namely a large, big, fat hairy tarantula with a massive appetite, feeds on light.


----------



## I.am.Smeagol (May 19, 2002)

*Falls over twitching*
Hehehehehe! Those are great! Loved it, Ulairi!

Giant Glowing Red eyeball
seeks s/ns/f with big blue eyes.
Enjoys plotting the domination of Middle Earth, metal working, and bowling. Looking for one with similar intrests.
You can reach me after 7 on weeknights and after 3 on weekends,
My number is 1-800-Lonely Eyeball.


----------



## Beorn (May 19, 2002)

> Need some spies?
> We'll go follow the person/people of your choice
> Extra charge for attacking
> As seen in the War of the Ring
> Call 1-800-CREBAIN


----------



## Úlairi (May 20, 2002)

Glad to see you like them I.am.Smeagol. Want more?


----------



## Diabless (May 21, 2002)

Missing: Boromir
Description: tall, warrior-like black haired man. Carries the Horn fo Gondor. May be seen with eight other creatures of varying races. One such creature is a man.
If found please send your fastes bird horse to 
Denethor II
Room 3, Grand Hall 
Minas Tirith, Middle Earth 
or call

1-800-FOUND-BOROMIR

Reward: A royal banquet in your honor in Minas Tirith

Note- do not confuse with his brother, Faramir, who looks like him but is a worthless wizard loving freak. If you find him in danger, don't bother, and you won't get a banquet if you bring HIM back.


----------



## Úlairi (May 22, 2002)

Amazing, I found this one in the _Valinor Today_ Newspaper just a second ago:





> Wanted: Bombur Fat As$
> Offence: Theft, namely all the food stock of the dwarves for the winter.
> Dwarves now without nourishment. If anyone finds him please drag his fat as$ back to Erebor where he will undergo surgery, namely lyposuction, and he will hopefully no longer eat the Dwarves out of house and home. If found, please contact 1900-WE-NEED-FOOD-NOW-PLEASE, there is a reward. The reward is having the opportunity to throw bricks at Bombur's bum (you can't miss it). Thankyou.


----------



## DGoeij (May 22, 2002)

Lost and Found:

FOUND:
At waterfall in the Loudwater river (Misty Mountain disctrict)
9 black cloaks, size XXXL, severely waterstained.
Call 1-800-RANGER.


----------



## Diabless (May 22, 2002)

*Comments*

We rarely comment on each other. These are my favorites of your classifides
Ulairi

Wanted: Melkor "Morgoth" Bauglir. 
Offence: Theft, namely the Silmarils, Vandalism, namely the Two Trees, and Murder, namely Finwe. 
If you have any information concerning the matter please contact Curufinwe on 1900-I-AM-THE-BEST-AT-EVERYTHING. 
We also have reason to believe that Melkor had an accomplis, namely a large, big, fat hairy tarantula with a massive appetite, feeds on light.


Chymaera:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Originally seen in Erebor Press 
Tried of living high on the hog? 
Want to see the world? 
Test your metal on Orc-necks 
Be the Bane of Druin's Bane! 
Lets Return to Moria!! 

To join The Forces of Good!!! 
see Balin or Gandalf 
Thrain's hall, Shaft 4, Third room on your left 

Turgon:
Here's one I found in the Lonely Hearts Column of the Rohan Evening News.... (don't ask me what I was doing reading the the Lonely Hearts column in the REN...!?!) 

'Blonde haired, Blue eyed, Shield-Maiden seeks Knight in Shining Armour to sweep her off her feet. Must have good sense of humour, own house (preferable Royal) and the crowns of at least two kingdoms. E.'

Shadowfax:
"Join the Fellowship! 
5,000 gold peices for college! 
See the world! 
YOur local recruiter is: 
Gandalf Grayhame at 
1-800-SAURONSUCKS


----------



## Chymaera (May 28, 2002)

thank you for your comments Diabless, most kind 




> _seen in The Grey Havens Tattler_
> *Warehouse for Rent
> Don't be caught flat-footed Store your treasure on the water-front.
> So when those Middle-Earth Blues got you down and you are Shipping off to the Far West you'll have safe assurance that your valuable jewels and silverware are already onboard.
> ...


----------



## Frodorocks (Jun 1, 2002)

Lost:A hairbrush,eye shadow,and one mirror. Please call Legolas at 1-800-MUST-STAY-PRETTY


----------



## Úlairi (Jun 2, 2002)

Thankyou Diabless.


----------



## Dragon (Jun 13, 2002)

Lost; Legolas' brain
Last Seen:On bathroom _VANITY_ with beauty magazine

If found, please return not to Legolas, but to any one of the dwarves of Moria Mines; His brain has the same prooperties as iron ore

call us at 1-800-ore works


----------



## Mormegil (Jun 13, 2002)

Found in The Valinor Times:



> LOST
> Two Wizards
> Dressed in Blue
> Last seen wandering off into the East
> ...


----------



## Úlairi (Jun 14, 2002)

Morm, remember though, they *could* have been killed by Saruman!


----------



## Chymaera (Jun 29, 2002)

This is a blatent post to keep this thread on the front page. 
All contributions are made in fun, no fictional charactors were harmed in the process of satirezation


----------



## FINGOLFIN (Jul 12, 2002)

*Lost...*

Lost....all of our wives.

If found please nail a notice on a tree in Fangorn Forest


----------



## Muffinly (Aug 5, 2002)

Found
2 nassssty hobitsss.
_gollum_ 
go by the names of Frodo and Sam
We hates them!

Please contact Smeagol


(Well it is a bit stupid)


----------

