# The Silmarillion in 1000 words



## Astaldo (Sep 19, 2004)

THE ENTIRE SILMARILLION OF J. R. R. TOLKIEN IN ONE THOUSAND WORDS. 


AINULINDALE: 

ILUVATAR: Ahem. 
AINUR: Wow! Existence! 
ILUVATAR: *blows pitch pipe* LA! 
AINUR: LA LA LA! 
ILUVATAR: LA LA! 
AINUR: LA LA! 
MELKOR: This sucks. BUM BUM BA DUM! 
AINUR: Um. . . la? 
ILUVATAR: Ahem. LA! 
MELKOR: Boop bop-a-doo-bop! 
ILUVATAR: LA, dammit. 
MELKOR: Bwam bardle ningle boom. 
AINUR: . . . 
ILUVATAR: Right, you're out of the band. 
MELKOR: Fine, I was leaving anyway. 
AINUR: . . . 
ILUVATAR: What are you waiting for? 
AINUR: Oh. Right. Newly created world. Sorry. Great jam session, big guy! 
ILUVATAR: Yeesh. 



VALAQUENTA: 

MANWE: I'm in charge! 
VARDA: I'm Manwe's spouse. And queen of the stars! 
NAMO: I do death and fate. They call me Mandos. 
VAIRE: I'm Namo's spouse. I weave things. 
IRMO: I have gardens. They call me Lorien. 
ESTE: I'm Irmo's spouse. I take care of the gardens. 
YAVANNA: I make things grow. 
NIENNA: I'm sad. 
ULMO: I live in the ocean. 
AULE: I'm Yavanna's spouse. I've got a great big hammer! I made dwarves. 
NESSA: I dance. 
OROME: I hunt! 
VANA: I'm Orome's spouse. I make living things happy. 
TULKAS: I'm strong. I'm Nessa's spouse. I got here last. 
MELKOR: I'm bad, momma, I'm ONE BAD MUTHA- 
TULKAS: Grar. 
MELKOR: Um. Yeah. Hiding now. 



QUENTA SILMARILLION: 

VALAR: Hey! Ilmaren! Party on the island, everyone! 
MELKOR: Bah. Too bright. *builds fortress, kicks over lamps* 
VALAR: AUGH! *flee to west* 
MELKOR: Hu hu hu. 
VALAR: Oooooh SHINY TREES! Yavanna made shiny trees! 
YAVANNA: Yep! Aren't they pretty? 
MELKOR: Want shiny. 
VALAR: Nope. 
MELKOR: Why not? 
VALAR: Because you're a jerk. 
ELVES: Oh hey, stars. Shiny! 
MELKOR: Oh hey, breeding stock. 
ELVES: AUGH! 
UNGOLIANT: Want shiny. 
MELKOR: Let's go get shiny. 
FEANOR: I've made more shiny! 
VALAR: Good, 'cos Melkor took ours. Can we have yours? 
FEANOR: No! MY SHINIES! MINE! 
VALAR: Aw, !&*()[email protected]&)!(&. 
MELKOR: Got the shinies! 
UNGOLIANT: Not enough shiny. Want more shiny! 
MELKOR: You can't have 'em. 
UNGOLIANT: Grar. 
MELKOR: Eeek! *runs* 
FEANOR AND SONS: We're gettin' our shinies back. And YOU CAN'T HAVE 'EM, Valar! 
MELKOR/MORGOTH: No you're not. *stabbity fiery burny death* 
BEREN: Ooo! Pretty elf lady! 
THINGOL: You can have her if you ... BRING ME A SHINY! 
BEREN: Worth a shot. 
LUTHIEN: La la la 
MORGOTH: Ooo baby... *zzz* 
BEREN: Got your shiny! 
MORGOTH: you BASTARD! I stole those fair and square! 
CARCHAROTH: Grar. 
BEREN: Ow! 
THINGOL: Got the shiny? 
BEREN: 's in my hand. 
THINGOL: And? 
BEREN: Hand's not here. 
THINGOL: ****, I really wanted that shiny. 
CARCHAROTH: GRAR!!!! 
BEREN: *dies* 
LUTHIEN: *dies* La la la. 
MANDOS: ... oh all right. 
LUTHIEN: *returns to life* 
BEREN: *returns to life* 
LUTHIEN: Beren! Look! The shiny! In a necklace! 
FEANOR'S SONS: *mutter* 
LUTHIEN: *dies again* 
BEREN: *dies again* 
DIOR: Oo, Mom's shiny! 
FEANOR'S SONS: WANT SHINY! 
DIOR: *dies* 
ELWING: Eek! *grabs shiny, runs* 
FEANOR'S SONS: !*&(!)&)*!. 
EARENDIL: Hey. Nice shiny. Yo! Valar! 
VALAR: Well FINALLY. *stomp stomp stomp* 
EARENDIL: Wow, planetary orbit! 
MORGOTH: Eek! 
VALAR: Got your shinies! 
MAGLOR AND MAEDHROS: You mean OUR shinies! 
VALAR: Oh *!&(!&). 
MAGLOR AND MAEDHROS: Ow! Burny shinies! 
MAEDHROS: Fine. This sucks. *jumps into chasm* 
MAGLOR: Um... not really looking forward to meeting Dad again... *chucks shiny into sea* Bye. *wanders off* 
VALAR: Well... um... okay. 



AKALLABETH: 

VALAR: Thanks for helping with Morgoth, Edain! Have an island! Elros is in charge! 
EDAIN: Cool! 
VALAR: Don't come looking for us. 
EDAIN: Okay. 
ELVES OF TOL ERESSEA: Have our stuff! 
NUMENOREANS: Neat! Ooo, Middle-Earth! 
GIL-GALAD: Dudes. Good to see you. 
NUMENOREANS: Yeah, same here. What's going on? 
GIL-GALAD: War with Sauron mostly. 
MEN OF MIDDLE-EARTH: Shiny tall wonderful wise sea-king dudes! Yay! 
NUMENOREANS: Here, have some stuff and wisdom. 
MEN OF MIDDLE-EARTH: <3 <3 <3 
NUMENOREANS: Life is cool. Why do we have to die? 
ELVES: You're human? 
NUMENOREANS: Can the Valar fix that? 
VALAR: No. 
NUMENOREANS: That sucks. Go away. 
ELVES: Fine. 
ELENDILI: Hey! Over here! We still like you! 
MEN OF MIDDLE-EARTH: Gosh, we're lonely. 
NUMENOREANS: Whatever, give us your wealth and your children. 
MEN OF MIDDLE-EARTH: Um, okay. 
ELENDILI: This isn't gonna end well, is it? 
ELVES: No. 
TAR-PALANTIR: We're sorry? 
GIMILKHAD: *I'm* not. 
AR-PHARAZON: Thanks for the throne, dude. 
TAR-MIRIEL: Hey! 
AR-PHARAZON: Shaddap, woman. Sauron, j00 suxx0r! I 0wnz0r j00! 
SAURON: Okay. 
AR-PHARAZON: Make me immortal. 
SAURON: Human sacrifice is good. Also burn that pesky white tree. 
AR-PHARAZON: Um. . . 
ISILDUR: Hey! White tree! Got your fruit! 
SAURON: *makes chicken noises* 
AR-PHARAZON: Fine. Tree burn! Fire pretty! 
ELENDIL: Isildur, Anarion, get the boats. 
AR-PHARAZON: I've got a huge navy! Let's go conquer Valinor! 
VALAR: Oh no you don't. *CRASHBANGBOOM* 
AR-PHARAZON & CO.: Eeek! 
ELENDIL, ISILDUR, ANARION: Wheee! 
NUMENOREANS: Arrgh! 
NUMENOR: SPLOOSH. 
SAURON: Bwa ha ha! Um, where's my body? 
ILUVATAR: Did I mention the world is round now? 
NUMENOREANS IN EXILE: Well, ****. 



OF THE RINGS OF POWER AND THE THIRD AGE: 

ELVES: Wonder what's going on over the ocean. This crafting deal is pretty sweet, though! 
DWARVES: Yeah, seriously. 
ANNATAR: Hi, elves! Wanna learn some cool stuff? 
ELVES: Okay! 
SAURON: They fell for it. 
SEVEN DWARVES: Thanks for the rings! . . oooh, GOLD! MUST HAVE GOLD! 
NINE MEN: Neat rings. . . Hey, didn't Mom die like six hundred years ago? 
CELEBRIMBOR: Okay, how about we do three more and call it a wrap? 
SAURON: How about I do one more and claim them ALL? 
ELVES: AUGH! 
SAURON: Bwa ha ha! 
LAST ALLIANCE OF ELVES AND MEN: Push off. 
SAURON: Make me. 
ISILDUR: Whack. 
SAURON: Ow. 
ELROND: Hey, you got his ring. Let's ditch it. 
ISILDUR: No. 
ELROND: This sucks. 
ISILDUR: Tell me about it. *dies* 
GONDORIANS: *change calendar* 
CIRDAN: Hi, wizards! You in the grey, catch! 
SAURON: Okay, that's long enough. Movin' into Dol Guldur. 
SARUMAN: It's not him. Also the ring's lost at sea. 
RING: No I'm not. 
THE WISE: Augh. 
THE WEAK: Bad ring! Volcano for you! 
RING: *melts* 
SAURON: AUGH! 
MORDOR: BOOM. 
GONDORIANS: *change calendar* 
ELROND, GALADRIEL: Road trip! 
GANDALF: Hi Cirdan! Still got your ring! 
CIRDAN: Cool. Let's go to Valinor!


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## Beruthiel (Oct 11, 2004)

OMG that is hilarious!!!


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## Turin (Oct 11, 2004)

Hey, thanks a lot, I was having trouble in the Sil and that really sums it up for me, now I can recite the entire history of ME .


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## e.Blackstar (Oct 11, 2004)

That is great! Thanks for the summary! Did you write that yourself?

SHINYYYYYYYYYY!!!!


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## HLGStrider (Oct 13, 2004)

I Want Shinies Too!


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## Beruthiel (Oct 13, 2004)

HLGStrider said:


> I Want Shinies Too!



OOH! Me too!


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## Starbrow (Nov 3, 2004)

Great job, Astaldo!

But Shinies are for ME!!!!!!!!!!


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## Eledhwen (Nov 3, 2004)

Did you write that yourself, Astaldo? It's a pretty neat summary! You should link to it from the Sil threads.


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## Astaldo (Nov 3, 2004)

I wish it was mine but I found it on the net. I think here: 

http://www.livejournal.com/users...28358.html


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