# Evil Overlord---very funny!



## e.Blackstar (Jul 25, 2005)

This is terribly amusing. And terribly long too. Sorry.

Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. With that in mind, allow me to present... 
The Top 152 Things I'd Do
If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord
1.	My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones. 
2.	My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through. 
3.	My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon. 
4.	Shooting is not too good for my enemies. Neither is death.
5.	The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness. 
6.	I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them. 
7.	When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No." 
8.	After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out. 
9.	I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such. 
10.	I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well. 
11.	I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat. 
12.	One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation. 
13.	All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal. 
14.	The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request. 
15.	I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation. 
16.	I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know." 
17.	When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice. 
18.	I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time. 
19.	I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father. 
20.	Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly. 
21.	I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set. 
22.	No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.


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## e.Blackstar (Jul 25, 2005)

23.	I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks. 
24.	I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.) 
25.	No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot. 
26.	No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber. 
27.	I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times. 
28.	My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble. 
29.	I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion. 
30.	All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief. 
31.	All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick. 
32.	I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by. 
33.	I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions. 
34.	I will not turn into a snake. It never helps. 
35.	I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X. 
36.	I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison. 
37.	If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant. 
38.	If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age. 
39.	If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army. 
40.	I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve. 
41.	Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices. 
42.	When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around. 
43.	I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans. 
44.	I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance. 
45.	I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling. 
46.	If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.


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## e.Blackstar (Jul 25, 2005)

47.	If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature. 
48.	I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge. 
49.	If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper. 
50.	My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks. 
51.	If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position. 
52.	I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about. 
53.	If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her. 
54.	I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary. 
55.	The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention. 
56.	My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice. 
57.	Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual. 
58.	If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner. 
59.	I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am. 
60.	My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords. 
61.	If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them. 
62.	I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight. 
63.	Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals. 
64.	I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage. 
65.	If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment. 
66.	My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system. 
67.	No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency. 
68.	I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again. 
69.	All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild. 
70.	When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner. 
71.	If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.


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## e.Blackstar (Jul 26, 2005)

72.	If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them. 
73.	I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win. 
74.	When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk. 
75.	I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time. 
76.	If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.) 
77.	If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer. 
78.	I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical." 
79.	If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins. 
80.	If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress. 
81.	If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw. 
82.	I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure. 
83.	If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him. 
84.	I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex. 
85.	I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button." 
86.	I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded. 
87.	My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them. 
88.	If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again. 
89.	After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him. 
90.	I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door. 
91.	I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important. 
92.	If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.) 
93.	If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first. 
94.	When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value. 
95.	My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.


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## e.Blackstar (Jul 26, 2005)

96.	My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa. 
97.	My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled. 
98.	If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution. 
99.	Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size. 
100.	To keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access. 
101.	I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself. 
102.	I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident -- I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it. 
103.	I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any. 
104.	My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes. 
105.	I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused. 
106.	If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to attempt this. 
107.	Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good structural reason. 
108.	Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a secondary character who has given up his/her life through self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed. 
109.	I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along. 
110.	I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung. 
111.	I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being executed. 
112.	I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismen. 
113.	I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in an emergency. 
114.	I will never accept a challenge from the hero. 
115.	I will not engage an enemy single-handedly until all my soldiers are dead. 
116.	If I capture the hero's starship, I will keep it in the landing bay with the ramp down, only a few token guards on duty and a ton of explosives set to go off as soon as it clears the blast-range. 
117.	No matter how much I want revenge, I will never order an underling "Leave him. He's mine!" 
118.	If I have equipment which performs an important function, it will not be activated by a lever that someone could trigger by accidentally falling on when fatally wounded. 
119.	I will not attempt to kill the hero by placing a venomous creature in his room. It will just wind up accidentally killing one of my clumsy hencemen instead. 
120.	Since nothing is more irritating than a hero defeating you with basic math skills, all of my personal weapons will be modified to fire one more shot than the standard issue. 
121.	If I come into possession of an artifact which can only be used by the pure of heart, I will not attempt to use it regardless.


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## e.Blackstar (Jul 26, 2005)

122.	The gun turrets on my fortress will not rotate enough so that they may direct fire inward or at each other. 
123.	If I decide to hold a contest of skill open to the general public, contestants will be required to remove their hooded cloaks and shave their beards before entering. 
124.	Prior to kidnapping an older male scientist and forcing him to work for me, I will investigate his offspring and make sure that he has neither a beautiful but naive daughter who is willing to risk anything to get him back, nor an estranged son who works in the same field but had a falling-out with his father many years ago. 
125.	Should I actually decide to kill the hero in an elaborate escape-proof deathtrap room (water filling up, sand pouring down, walls converging, etc.) I will not leave him alone five-to-ten minutes prior to "imminent" death, but will instead (finding a vantage point or monitoring camera) stick around and enjoy watching my adversary's demise. 
126.	Rather than having only one secret escape pod, which the hero can easily spot and follow, I'll simultaneously launch a few dozen decoys to throw him off track. 
127.	Prison guards will have their own cantina featuring a wide variety of tasty treats that will deliver snacks to the guards while on duty. The guards will also be informed that accepting food or drink from any other source will result in execution. 
128.	I will not employ robots as agents of destruction if there is any possible way that they can be re-programmed or if their battery packs are externally mounted and easily removable. 
129.	Despite the delicious irony, I will not force two heroes to fight each other in the arena. 
130.	All members of my Legions of Terror will have professionally tailored uniforms. If the hero knocks a soldier unconscious and steals the uniform, the poor fit will give him away. 
131.	I will never place the key to a cell just out of a prisoner's reach. 
132.	Before appointing someone as my trusted lieutenant, I will conduct a thorough background investigation and security clearance. 
133.	If I find my beautiful consort with access to my fortress has been associating with the hero, I'll have her executed. It's regrettable, but new consorts are easier to get than new fortresses and maybe the next one will pay attention at the orientation meeting. 
134.	If I am escaping in a large truck and the hero is pursuing me in a small Italian sports car, I will not wait for the hero to pull up along side of me and try to force him off the road as he attempts to climb aboard. Instead I will slam on the brakes when he's directly behind me. (A rudimentary knowledge of physics can prove quite useful.) 
135.	My doomsday machine will have a highly-advanced technological device called a capacitor in case someone inconveniently pulls the plug at the last second. (If I have access to REALLY advanced technology, I will include a back-up device known as a battery.) 
136.	If I build a bomb, I will simply remember which wire to cut if it has to be deactivated and make every wire red. 
137.	Before spending available funds on giant gargoyles, gothic arches, or other cosmetically intimidating pieces of architecture, I will see if there are any valid military expenditures that could use the extra budget. 
138.	The passageways to and within my domain will be well-lit with fluorescent lighting. Regrettably, the spooky atmosphere will be lost, but my security patrols will be more effective. 
139.	If I'm sitting in my camp, hear a twig snap, start to investigate, then encounter a small woodland creature, I will send out some scouts anyway just to be on the safe side. (If they disappear into the foliage, I will not send out another patrol; I will break out the napalm.) 
140.	I will instruct my guards when checking a cell that appears empty to look for the chamber pot. If the chamber pot is still there, then the prisoner has escaped and they may enter and search for clues. If the chamber pot is not there, then either the prisoner is perched above the lintel waiting to strike them with it or else he decided to take it as a souvenir (in which case he is obviously deeply disturbed and poses no threat). Either way, there's no point in entering. 
141.	As an alternative to not having children, I will have lots of children. My sons will be too busy jockeying for position to ever be a real threat, and the daughters will all sabotage each other's attempts to win the hero. 
142.	If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will ask him to first explain to her why it is necessary to kill her beloved grandpa. When the hero launches into an explanation of morality way over her head, that will be her cue to pull the lever and send him into the pit of crocodiles. After all, small children like crocodiles almost as much as Evil Overlords and it's important to spend quality time with the grandkids.


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## vamp (Jul 26, 2005)

Maria, I love you. With all my black little heart. Please, let's hang out soon! I need to discuss these above terms with you...


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## e.Blackstar (Jul 26, 2005)

143.	If one of my daughters actually manages to win the hero and openly defies me, I will congratulate her on her choice, declare a national holiday to celebrate the wedding, and proclaim the hero my heir. This will probably be enough to break up the relationship. If not, at least I am assured that no hero will attack my Legions of Terror when they are holding a parade in his honor. 
144.	I will order my guards to stand in a line when they shoot at the hero so he cannot duck and have them accidentally shoot each other. Also, I will order some to aim above, below, and to the sides so he cannot jump out of the way. 
145.	My dungeon cell decor will not feature exposed pipes. While they add to the gloomy atmosphere, they are good conductors of vibrations and a lot of prisoners know Morse code. 
146.	If my surveillance reports any un-manned or seemingly innocent ships found where they are not supposed to be, they will be immediately vaporized instead of brought in for salvage. 
147.	I will classify my lieutenants in three categories: untrusted, trusted, and completely trusted. Promotion to the third category will be awarded posthumously. 
148.	Before ridiculing my enemies for wasting time on a device to stop me that couldn't possibly work, I will first acquire a copy of the schematics and make sure that in fact it couldn't possibly work. 
149.	Ropes supporting various fixtures will not be tied next to open windows or staircases, and chandeliers will be hung way at the top of the ceiling. 
150.	When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, "Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply will be, "No, just sensible." 
151.	If I make a zombie out of one of the heroes, rather than killing him, I will not put him in a position where he will make ANY contact with his friends, lest he remember them and turn against me, or they learn how to free all my zombies by freeing him. 
152.	If I corrupt any of the heroes and turn them to the "Dark Side," I will not tell them to prove their loyalty by killing their former friends or family members.


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## Wraithguard (Jul 26, 2005)

Wow! That has to be good because I actually read the whole thing!



> 140. I will instruct my guards when checking a cell that appears empty to look for the chamber pot. If the chamber pot is still there, then the prisoner has escaped and they may enter and search for clues. If the chamber pot is not there, then either the prisoner is perched above the lintel waiting to strike them with it or else he decided to take it as a souvenir (in which case he is obviously deeply disturbed and poses no threat). Either way, there's no point in entering.


 
That is incredible! While I had thought of a few of those the others will provide a good understanding. Also our futures go hand in hand so to speak. With you being on 'the brink of complete galactic domination' and me being the 'Intergalactic leader on pie and Weapons of Mass Destruction'.


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## e.Blackstar (Jul 26, 2005)

Hand in hand, dude, hand in hand.  

This one's just as funny...it's for all the hero types...like Elgee, and silly people like that.  

The Top 104 Things I'd do if I ever became the Hero in an Epic Saga
1.	I will maintain no association with sidekicks who employ prostitutes. While such entertainment doubtlessly relieves my comrade of the wearying burden of the Heroic Struggle, the women met in this fashion tend to filch artifacts needed to defeat the Evil Overlord, act as his spies and/or assassins, carry unpleasant diseases, and (worst of all) get me in trouble with my True Love. 
2.	I will ignore the Evil Overlord's arguments revolving around honor and/or morality. If he were really all that worked up about either, he would never have become an Evil Overlord in the first place. 
3.	When the Evil Overlord takes hostages, I will presume the hostages dead and hold a memorial service. Any promises made by the Evil Overlord regarding their safe return shall be summarily ignored. My loved ones will be warned to expect this. 
4.	I will not walk alone and undisguised into a bar in the Evil Overlord's territory in order to meet with an ex-associate who said a bunch of damaging things about me in one of the Evil Overlord's propaganda pieces. 
5.	When the Evil Overlord is hanging on the cliff by his fingers, I will not try to help him up. If time and means are available, I'll kill him then and there. 
6.	When I am advised to destroy a magical artifact taken from the Evil Overlord, I will do so. 
7.	Anyone inquiring after the secret of my strength will be fed a line of plausible baloney as to how this strength can be lost. If the bogus advice is followed, the leak shall be properly investigated. 
8.	If an associate begins to transform into something large and threatening, I will immediately act to neutralize the threat, and not wait until the transformation is complete. Likewise, if an enemy begins to metamorphosize into something else, I will immediately start whacking away at it, instead of watching in fascination. 
9.	I will take no oath of unquestioning obedience, nor any oath of obedience to persons of unproved character. 
10.	I will reveal to each comrade a different clue for distinguishing me from an impostor, so that if one of them betrays me and an impostor is sent in my place, the others will still be able to catch on to the charade. 
11.	I will never assume that an enemy is dead unless the remains are available for examination, and will keep in mind the possibility of cloning technology or resurrection magic. 
12.	I will employ some manner of surveillance so that when I leave a room and a traitorous comrade gives me the Malicious Scowl or Wicked Leer to my back, I will have ample warning of his impending betrayal. 
13.	Self-appointed prophets who deliver elliptically-worded warnings will be politely asked to phrase their utterances in plainer terms. If said prophet refuses the request, a five-year-old child will be asked to explain the meaning of the prophecy. 
14.	I will waste no time trying to get the rich to join in my rebellion. The only way to stay rich in the Evil Overlord's realm is to collaborate with him, and any rich people who truly feel guilty about this will serve the rebellion better by not openly joining. 
15.	If my Mentor tells me that I am not yet ready to confront the Evil Overlord, I will quietly accept his judgement and remain to complete my training. 
16.	If one of the Bad Guys manages to kill my Mentor, I'm clearly not prepared to immediately avenge him; I will retreat and develop my skills. 
17.	I shall arrange my personal affairs so that it doesn't matter if someone learns my secret identity. 
18.	If I am granted a vision of the future, I will not try to prevent anything that I see. It never works. 
19.	If I am forced to make a choice between saving a friend/lover or fulfilling my mission, I will remind myself that failing to accomplish the mission will probably result in the friend/lover's death anyway, and go on with the mission. 
20.	If I am captured by the Evil Overlord and escape, I will assume that he is tracking me in some manner. If I am going to the hidden rebel base, I shall first go to an alternate location, change clothing, equipment and means of transportation, and then go to the hidden rebel base. 
21.	If any of my associates mysteriously disappears, and then returns behaving in an uncharacteristic manner, I will immediately presume that their loyalty has been compromised by the Evil Overlord. 
22.	Old flames that join the rebellion will be assigned duties that preclude contact with me. This not only protects me from any attempt by the Evil Overlord to use them as agents, but also keeps my True Love from leaving me in a fit of insane, if misplaced, jealousy. 
23.	I will presume that the Evil Overlord is working to nullify my secret powers. I shall therefore obtain a means to fight that do not rely on these secret powers. 
24.	I will enter into alliances with the Evil Overlord only on the understanding that the rationale he has supplied for the alliance is not the Unvarnished Truth, and furthermore that he will betray me at the moment most advantageous to him. 
25.	I will never travel back into the past in order to prevent the current situation. It never works. 
26.	No matter how sincere he looks, I will never shake the Evil Overlord's hand. 
27.	When my powerful wizard friend fails to return at the appointed time, I won't wait until after my birthday to start my Perilous Journey. I will set out immediately. 
28.	Anything that appears to have been too easy--escaping the Evil Overlord's fortress, defeating the Eldritch Horror, etc.--probably was too easy. 
29.	If the Evil Overlord invites me to go on a hunt with him, I will decline the invitation. 
30.	If I have a copy of the Evil Overlord's plans and my capture is imminent, I will not send the only copy of those plans away with a cute little sidekick. I will make many copies of the plans and send them away with many cute little sidekicks. 
31.	If I maintain a secret identity, I will keep my transformation ritual as simple and quick as possible so that I cannot be interrupted during it. 
32.	I will not keep information secret in order to prevent widespread hysteria; it never works. 
33.	My fortress will include a holding room for any annoying kids, nerds, would-be love interests and other wannabes who follow me there and insist on joining my group. They will be kept in this room until the Evil Overlord is defeated. If there are holodecks available, I will throw the wannabe into it while he/she is asleep and activate the Epic Adventure program. 
34.	When the Evil Overlord's Wicked but Beautiful Daughter tries to subvert me through her womanly wiles, I will keep in mind the diseases she is likely to have caught from all the netherwordly creatures with whom she is probably also consorting, as well as the possibility that the Evil Overlord has a hidden camera/crystal ball trained on me and is forcing my True Love to watch.


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## e.Blackstar (Jul 26, 2005)

35.	I will not needlessly expose myself to enemy gunfire, hand-to-hand combat, or dogfights. 
36.	There are three dimensions in space. I do not have to attack in the same plane as the opponent. 
37.	I will not count on other rebels being as self-sacrificing as I. 
38.	I do not need to give the Overlord a fair chance. Shooting him in the back works for me. 
39.	I will never say "This one is mine!" and engage in a one-on-one struggle with the Evil Overlord or any of his henchmen; however, I might say "This one is mine!" and stand back while, by prior arrangement with my comrades, all available firepower is pumped into the now-distracted target. 
40.	If my village allies defeat the elite forces of the Evil Overlord, I will take a few minutes to learn how they did it and incorporate the information gained into my strategies. 
41.	If my True Love is captured and forced into marriage with the Evil Overlord, I will not attempt to rescue her until after the ceremony, unless said ceremony will irrevocably harm or alter her in some way. 
42.	If she doesn't already know, I shall train my True Love in the art of unarmed combat, so that when the Evil Overlord uses her as a human shield she can slam her heel between his legs. 
43.	Likewise, if she doesn't already know, I shall train my True love in the art of armed combat, to the extent that her natural talents allow. 
44.	If through skill or luck I defeat a better-armed opponent, I will at least try to get his/her/its weapons. 
45.	When I and my companions sneak into the Evil Overlord's stronghold through some unorthodox route such as the main drain, and it appears to be completely unguarded, we will stop and discuss possible explanations for that observation, rather than simply praising our good luck and pressing blithely on. 
46.	After killing a few dozen faceless, anonymous grunts in the Legion of Doom without a second thought, I will not suddenly take a merciful attitude with the Evil Overlord, his family, his lieutenants, or anyone else with a speaking part. 
47.	When I kill one of the Evil Overlord's deer, I will not lug it to his castle and wave it in his face just to make some obscure point, only to wind up having to fight my way out of his castle. I'll just take it home and enjoy some venison. 
48.	I will remember that if the Bad Guy tries to kill enough people, no one will mind too much if I kill him instead of merely disarming him. Especially if it looks like an accident. 
49.	If I am offered two explanations for a phenomenon, one a logical, scientific explanation and the other a load of New Age claptrap, I will accept the scientific explanation. 
50.	My robots will be programmed to speak only when they have something useful to say. That way I will not be tempted to ignore them when they have critical information. 
51.	When I state my intention to do something and one of my robots interrupts me, I will at least hear it out. 
52.	I will wear different outfits from day to day, so that the Evil Overlord's henchmen will not be able to spot me at a glance. 
53.	If I lose a hand and have it replaced with a prosthesis, the prosthesis will have a functional weapon built in to it. I can use it to surprise Bad Guys and open canned goods. 
54.	I will not have sex with anyone before a battle. They will either die or betray me during the battle. 
55.	High-sounding directives notwithstanding, I will never value culture above sentient life. 
56.	If I get incriminating evidence about an enemy or a superior, I will make several copies, and store each in a different location. I will not surrender the sole copy to anyone. If ordered to destroy the copies, I will do so, after first making more copies. 
57.	I will not try to make a comrade run faster by yanking on his/her arm. I will instead advise them to stop turning around to look at the pursuing danger (rats, lava, etc.). 
58.	I will not make the sidekick wait somewhere while I go on ahead. He'll only get into worse trouble than he otherwise would. 
59.	Every member of the rebellion will have DNA tests to bring any existing blood relationships to light. 
60.	When five seconds can mean the difference between the survival and destruction of the galaxy, I will keep my wistful expressions of undying fealty, love, or regret to a minimum.


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## e.Blackstar (Jul 26, 2005)

61.	After knocking out a bad guy, I will kill him silently if I can, cripple him silently if I can't kill him, or disarm him if I can neither kill nor cripple him. If I fail to do any of these, he will come to and jump me from behind. 
62.	My loyal, trusted and heavily armed bodyguards will always be on hand. 
63.	I will never leave my True Love and/or family unguarded unless they can defend themselves. 
64.	I will always pack as much firepower as I can. 
65.	I will never allow my people to speak to prisoners alone, but I will sometimes appear to do so. 
66.	I will maintain constant surveillance on all prisoners in case one of my people tries something behind my back. 
67.	If I discover a mysterious pod in my home, barn, spaceship, or alien territory, I will not stick my face into it or pick it up to see if it is alive. Instead I will have it examined via remote-controlled robot. 
68.	I will not trust a being with an inordinate number of tentacles. 
69.	I will always read the fine print. 
70.	Being captured by the Evil Overlord is one way to learn his secret plans, but there are innumerable other ways that are better, and they will be tried first. 
71.	My weapon of choice will be the one that allows the greatest distance between me and my target. 
72.	When I am forced to decide which of two identical people is the Trusted Ally and which is the Evil Doppelganger, I will stun them both and sort things out in the brig. 
73.	When I make my escape from the Evil Overlord's encampment, I will sabotage as much of the enemy's pursuit capacity (horses, jeeps, rocket bikes, etc) as opportunity permits, sparing only enough for the use of my companions and me. 
74.	If my trusty sidekick always blurts out the fact that I am carrying the most powerful magic object in the world, then I will get a sidekick who is less of a blabbermouth. 
75.	No robots serving with me will be permitted to have emotion chips. 
76.	I will be courteous to all, whether friend, foe, or neutral. Especially neutral. 
77.	I will wear a utility belt. Not everything I need will be kept there, but I will pretend that I am helpless without it in order to fool the Evil Overlord. 
78.	I will treat law enforcement officials with respect, permit them to handle affairs that are within their capacity, and solicit their advice when circumstances allow. This will establish mutual respect and a good rapport. 
79.	If I have a weakness, I will look for a Sidekick who does not share this weakness. Failing that, I will form a mutual-support association with a Hero not sharing this weakness. 
80.	When sneaking into the fortress of the Evil Overlord, I will disguise myself as someone whose normal behavior I can emulate. 
81.	If I am in dire straits due to a lack of the rare substance that fuels my ship, I will scan my environs for supplies of the substance, paying especial attention to the natives' jewelry and other decorative artifacts. 
82.	My guards will be instructed so that when a voice around the corner says "come here," they will assume the speaker to be an intruder and respond accordingly. 
83.	If I am forced to retreat after being ambushed by overwhelming forces, I will not run home where it's safe; whoever is behind the ambush probably has plans for me when I get there. 
84.	I almost certainly have an Evil Twin running around somewhere, if not by birth then as a creation of the Evil Overlord. I will keep an eye out for him, and plan accordingly. 
85.	I will never allow fashion sense to prevent me from carrying whatever is useful or needful for the Heroic Struggle. 
86.	When the Evil Overlord tries to guilt-trip me by claiming that I'll be responsible for something he plans to do if I don't cooperate with him, I'll mercilessly quote Ayn Rand to him. 
87.	If the Evil Overlord wears a mask hiding his features, it's either because he doesn't want to be recognized or because he's bodaciously ugly. I will psych myself up for the shock resulting from either cause when I rip the mask off of him. 
88.	When someone opens the Eldritch Portal to Hell, and I have the means to close it, I will employ said means immediately, and not stop to explain things to everyone. 
89.	People who whine about not being trusted are either 
a.	Operatives for the Evil Overlord 
b.	Mind-controlled by the Evil Overlord 
c.	Totally clueless about concepts like OPSEC and need-to-know 
d.	Dangerously neurotic and/or immature 
and are consequently not to be trusted.


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## e.Blackstar (Jul 26, 2005)

90.	If a mystic proclaims that my destiny is to "defeat the darkness," "bring freedom to the downtrodden," or some such other glorious accomplishment, I will immediately begin preparations for the role. I will not wait for the mystic and several other innocents to get rubbed out by the Evil Overlord. 
91.	If my powers depend on a talisman in my possession, I will never openly display it, but keep it hidden in my codpiece/brassiere; a flashy, gaudy article of jewelry, having no mystical potency of any kind, will be brandished when I employ my super powers. 
92.	I will begin my lifelong fight against crime immediately upon discovery of my powers, instead of witholding my assistance from the police, thereby allowing a minor criminal to escape and murder one of my loved ones. 
93.	When I am about to enter the Evil Overlord's hideout, I will have it surrounded by friendly forces so that they can detain him if he sneaks out the back door while I kick down the front door. 
94.	If I discover that one of my comrades in the Heroic Struggle has a Dark Secret (i.e., was impersonating the opposite gender, is a blood relative to the Evil Overlord, etc.), I will not dismiss them without further justification. 
95.	The assistance of politicians will be obtained by appealing to their self-interest. Any politician who appears to be cooperating with me out of the kindness of his heart is actually plotting to betray me at some point. 
96.	If my Mentor is slain in combat with the Evil Overlord or his henchmen, I will withdraw quietly, instead of shouting "Noooooo!" at the top of my lungs. 
97.	Any artifact named as if it were a part of somebody, especially if it really was once a part of somebody, is a Talisman of Purest Evil, will only be dealt with in a manner pursuant to its destruction. 
98.	Mountains and castles that are shaped like skulls, hideous faces, fists, etc., are the very Lairs of Evil. All visits will be planned accordingly. 
99.	Female sidekicks who are loyal and dependable make much better True Loves than do vain, pampered princesses who never give me the time of day. 
100.	I will ascertain the whereabouts of all relatives and possible progeny from past love affairs. It's a sure bet that the ones for whom I cannot account are now working for, or actually might be, the Evil Overlord. 
101.	I will not spurn the assistance of a hermit/scholar merely because my other associates claim he is insane. 
102.	If an opponent does not die when his/her/its head is cut off, but instead starts groping for it, I will give the head a good kick to delay reattachment. 
103.	After stunning a Bad Guy, I'll do something to make sure that when he wakes up he won't be a hindrance to my activities. 
104.	If I find myself born or drafted into a universe wherein the laws of nature do not obey consistent principles, I will depart for an alternate universe created by a more reasonable author.


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## Elendae (Jul 26, 2005)

*Just about dies from mirth* Bravo!!! . Very good! I could see several people using these for interesting twists in books or in RPGs. Anyway I finished reading every Evil-Overlord and Hero piece, it took me half of an hour. But it was good  Nice job e.Blackstar.


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## Wraithguard (Jul 26, 2005)

I wonder how we can fit the pie into your plan? If you're going to rule the galaxy and are going to use my weapons of mass destruction, I get ownsership of Australia, Neptune, and the entire Alpha Majori system. Those are very interesting and useful things to know!


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## Hammersmith (Jul 27, 2005)

Villain 153. If I am ever chauffered anywhere, I will ensure that the driver is protected behind bulletproof screens, and that he is well instructed not to veer towards the nearest precipice and jam his foot on the accelerator if by some chance he is injured or assaulted.


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## AraCelebEarwen (Jul 29, 2005)

*runs screaming out of the room only to turn back and fall over in a dizzy faint.*

WOW! I really should finnish reading this!  Bravo indeed!!!!!  It would appear that you not only like writing, but have a interesting mind to be able to put that list together!!! err... both of them!   Way to go! 

*vannishes to once again to try reading more of the insanely good lists.*


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## e.Blackstar (Jul 30, 2005)

Who, me? Oh, I didn't write this! No no...I only wish I was that brilliant. (If we all start taking drugs RIGHT NOW we _might_ one day be able to rival this genius.)  

I found them both on the net. You can Google search the titles of the lists and find them...


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## AraCelebEarwen (Jul 30, 2005)

*The Evil Overlord's Nifty Little Handbook*

Drugs? No, just go a few days without sleep, only drinking coffee and eating way too much junk food! That'll do wonders for your way of thinking! 

Finally I have finished!!!  I LOVE IT!  Here's one to try... 

"I will never leave this book out on my desk, table or throne to be found by some random drone who would carelessly let it fall into the hands of my enemies leading to further difficulties. Instead I will only reed this in a locked room and keep it in my personal safe-deposit box when not in use."

hehe  Just had to put that in! Not that the list is too short as is..!


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## Hammersmith (Jul 30, 2005)

If I feel the need to build an elaborate palace full of balconies, I shall close the doors of aforementioned balconies and place guards within, also greasing the edges of the balconies to deter rapellers. Also, any secret lever in a fireplace or mantelpiece will deposit the user into a snakepit. With lava and acid. And a vacuum.


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## ingolmo (Jul 31, 2005)

Oh, that is hilarious, e.Blackstar. Did you actually type that, or just copy and paste it? Either way, hats off to you.  I'm being tempted to become an evil overlord myself after reading this.


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## e.Blackstar (Aug 1, 2005)

No matter how funny it is I would never type that, not even to share it with you wonderful folks. Never.  

I'm way too lazy.  

This is the original link where I found the original 100 Overlord list and some nifty extras in Cellblocks A and B. This is the URL that contains the Hero list, as well as a Sidekick list, a True Love list, and many other humerous items.  Scroll about halway down the main page and you'll find them...they're in the column on the left.


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## Wraithguard (Sep 10, 2005)

e.Blackstar said:


> I'm way too lazy


 
Oh! Oh! You told me about 2 hours ago that you were definatly not lazy and WHAT do I see here?

I'm not quite ready to let this fall off the cliff called beyond the 45 day point just yet...


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## e.Blackstar (Jan 16, 2006)

^bump^

Hey guys, look what I found!
The Grand List Of RPG Clichés


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## Noldor_returned (Jan 16, 2006)

Let me guess? You know about www.evilrulers.com I found it one day, and found it again to be awesomely hilarious.


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## e.Blackstar (Jan 16, 2006)

Haha, no, I'd never heard of it.
But I have a way of digging things up from obscure locations...


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## Hammersmith (Jan 17, 2006)

You know, Blackstar, those lists are just _*that *_hilarious that I read through them again when they floated to the top. You're brilliant for finding them.


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## e.Blackstar (Jan 17, 2006)

Why thank you, I do what I can.


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## Noldor_returned (Jan 18, 2006)

Wraithguard said:


> I wonder how we can fit the pie into your plan? If you're going to rule the galaxy and are going to use my weapons of mass destruction, I get ownsership of Australia, Neptune, and the entire Alpha Majori system. Those are very interesting and useful things to know!


 
If you take Australia the kangaroos won't like it. I'm warning you.
You also forgot one from the evil overlord list:
I will never kill any trusted lieutenants, It is very difficult to find someone who is willing to serve the evil overlord. Hence the term trusted.


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