# Once Upon an Alley- Short Story



## Rhiannon (Nov 26, 2003)

[deleted post]


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## Rhiannon (Nov 26, 2003)

[deleted post]


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## HLGStrider (Nov 26, 2003)

Ah. ..And I thought I was the coffee godess.

Elgee claps. . .


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## Lantarion (Nov 27, 2003)

HAHA that was awesome!!
Really funny, you write very comically. 

Bravo!


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## HLGStrider (Nov 27, 2003)

One comment. ..I don't particularly like the title. I'm lousy at titles myself, but the Alley doesn't seem right. . .I opened this thread with a vague hope it had something to do with cats. . .blush. . .


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## Lantarion (Nov 27, 2003)

Haha, alley cat.. That brings Toulouse from Disney's 'The Aristocats' poignantly to mind! 
But you may be right about the title.. It should be something like "The Dawn of Dragons: the Yonder Pinnacle", then it would sell by the bucketload. 

Clichés sell, I have no idea why.. I hate the damned things..


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## HLGStrider (Nov 28, 2003)

I like cliches. Normally things have to be good in order to become cliches. . .I acknowledge that it is bad to use them, but that doesn't make them any less fun. 

ooooh. . .I prefered Marie. For one thing, I can spell her name.


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## Zale (Nov 28, 2003)

Constructive criticism: nothing wrong with the narrative (i.e. you couldn't improve it if you tried), but you might want to work on the plot a little. I mean, if you were to write another story, the plot could be a bit more serious or intriguing.
Not that there's anything wrong with this story as it stands; I'm just bearing future efforts in mind.


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## HLGStrider (Nov 28, 2003)

Who wants serious?



Serious is bad. . .bad serious. . .Elgee slap Zale on the hand and tells her to sit in the corner:

"Gasp! You said a naughty word!"
"What did I say?"
"Serious. That's the last thing a man wants to hear from a woman when he gets to be my age."

Or something vaguely like that. I bet Rhi knows where it is from. The rest of you can just wonder.


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## goldmare (Nov 30, 2003)

That was hilarious! I love it! Yes, maybe a different title is in order. And if you want to publish it, it might be good to make it longer by adding a little detail, i.e., scenery, maybe... 

"Serious" is a bad word indeed. You should be ashamed of yourself.


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## Rhiannon (Nov 30, 2003)

I hate the title too, but I can't seem to come up with anything else. Zale, the plot is bare because I was suffering from writer's block and desperate to thump something out before my creative writing class deadline. I wrote the whole thing in my local coffee house hangout (where I drink chocolate- I _hate_ coffee), after at least ten abandoned story ideas. Everything I came up with was dull, but they all seemed to feature a coffee house, so I finally decided I would just throw a body in and be done with it. I was in a funny mood, so I decided against a corpse. And I had frog princes on the mind. The entire thing is meant to be a light-hearted, pointless waltz through a bizarre situation.

I had a page limit for the class as well, and now that it's over I'm planning to go back to this story and expand it (but not to much- I like it brief this way...but I also think the concept might work for a short novel...and there are so many short stories to be done...and...*insert starry eyes emoticon*)

Thank you all for the feedback!


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## Kailita (Nov 30, 2003)

Rhi, that was lovely.  Wonderful idea! I love fairy tale spin-offs...kind of like a more sophisticated, modern-day Dealing with Dragons.  The end could possibly be expanded, beyon Kat simply giving him some coffee and then him being on his way, but with a page limit, that's understandable. You have a very unique writer's voice...very good thing! I liked it.  And I loved the end!

"I have a great weakness for what you call 'mocha grande'."


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## Zale (Dec 3, 2003)

Her? I can handle the rest, but despite the impression I seem to be giving I am a bloke.


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## HLGStrider (Dec 3, 2003)

Whoops! Well, I can excuse myself because I don't know off the top of my head what a Zale is or what sex it normally is.

What came to mind for it was some sort of Grecian wind goddess. . .


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## Zale (Dec 7, 2003)

Actually, it's just the letters of my name rearranged, but the Z is really an X (same sound but a Z looks better). Although I have heard about an American jeweller's called Zale's...


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